To explain to you how OCD feels

[Juno999]

Obviously each sufferer experiences it differently. However mine manifests in the form of repeated, obsessive thoughts, that run through my mind all day long, and appear out of nowhere.
I have a partner I've been with for a few years, and one day my brain decided to repeat the phrase 'I don't love you anymore'. Over and over again. No basis for it whatsoever, no relationship is perfect but this just came out of nowhere. I knew I loved him and still do but it's like my brain was forcing me to think this and say it in my mind, almost like a ritual .
I'd be trying to have a conversation with him and the words would be running through my mind over and over. It was so upsetting and made me question everything. It was completely debilitating and because of the nature of it I didn't feel like I could tell him.
I found some very helpful support online and luckily managed to 'snap out' of that. It comes back very occasionally but I'm able to control it now. However it lasted non stop for 4 months.
This has happened to me with other things, and it's totally at random. Just imagine any word whatsoever, anything bad, like murderer, child molester,racist etc.
The OCD will make you worry over and over that you're one of these things, even though there's no proof you are and you know you're not. Then, you'll start to feel awkward around all people, children, elderly, whichever group it is. You'll hear the words over and over again and it will run through your mind all day.
I still suffer this and I do access online support, but it makes me suicidal sometimes.
I've been incredibly stressed over finances, and have had a lot of self esteem issues and these things have triggered it. I get ways to control it but it comes back every now and again, and the only option I feel sometimes is suicide. I don't want to, I want to live but I can't cope with the obsessive thoughts and voices sometimes.
I'd be interested to hear from any other sufferers, or just any support as it's incredibly lonely and I'm also incredibly ashamed of it. It's another form of OCD that less people are aware of, many people associate just OCD with obsessive cleaning for instance.

I came on to check if someone had mentioned OCD UK. They're great for differed but also great for supporting parents / families of sufferers.

I completely get this, I was diagnosed with postnatal ocd but I think I’ve had it for a while. Since I had my baby I just need the world to be good and safe and even simple things turn into catastrophic outcomes. My sister had an arguement at work with a colleague and I was convinced the person would follow her home and set the house on fire ( absolutely no reason why) so I slept on the couch for a month so I could look out every night. I now also can’t watch the news because if I see something bad I have to obsess how to prevent it and then it leads to me performing compulsions to keep my baby safe. I now have a sort of butterfly effect of guilt if I see anything bad that’s happened even on the other side of the world I find a way to think it’s my fault for not being vigilant enough or not doing enough as a person. I look back at some of my worst times with ocd now and I know I was completely erratic but when a thought gets into your head it feels 100% real. Find myself always wishing I was old so I just know my baby has made it through life okay because I can’t do this middle part of life it’s exhausting.

Yes! @Worriedmumx I know exactly what you mean. I said to my husband the other day, I wish I could fast forward and be 60ish so I know everyone is ok and more independent. I too find this middle bit exhausting.

I think I have always been anxious and brought up by perfectionist anxious parents. My mum is a checker too... checks doors, plugs, etc and I'm never quite good enough.

And then stress at uni made it worse

Then having kids made it much worse

Then getting a job that involves checking, precision, data etc made it worse

And finally, I'm pretty sure perimenopause is making me even more crackers still!

It sounds mental writing it down but I worry I'll do something without realising and this makes simple tasks very hard for me eg sending an email or a birthday card, or driving a car

I end up doing reassurance tasks to "make me feel better" eg taking pictures of said birthday card or get husband to write it

I am trying to get a drs appointment but they are making it hard to get in front of my GP

it's utterly exhausting! Every day I wake up and say "no not today, I'm not doing the recording or checking etc" but then I just can't not do it

I know I need to break the cycle

I also look at people that do these normal things like driving without a single worry and I just seem so far removed. I used to do it in my 20s quite freely but it seems a distant dream now. And then I get cross at myself! I'm literally an anxious mess unless I am completely alone, inside. Then I feel much calmer.

Hey is anyone still on this thread?

@Helplessandheartbroke I am. Is there something you want to talk about 😊?

Edited because the smiley came out like a 90s mobile text smiley

@Helplessandheartbroke not a PP but your comment brought this to my active page whilst I was scrolling.

I don't have confirmed OCD but I think there are elements of it that I struggle with, mainly obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I think it stems from anxiety but who knows what causes the shitty mindset.

Hope you're ok ❤

@Helplessandheartbroke didn't post originally but I'm here now. Is everything okay?

@WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast @LolaLaLaLou @ocd7 hi! Thank you for commenting! Just sat here crying because noone understands what I'm going through and what goes on in my head! Saying that I don't understand it so how can they?! How are you all?

Hi @Helplessandheartbroke I can't actually remember if I commented on the original thread or if just bookmarked it for helpful strategies.

I'm sorry you are finding things hard. I struggled "just" with thoughts. I had CBT and got tablets (SSRIs) too. At times it was very hard. That was in my twenties.

I am 40 now and I am a better. Like not a bit better, but really better as in I don't have the thoughts anymore. Or I maybe have them two or three times a year, not several times a day. So there is hope. Sending hugs xxx

I have intrusive thoughts. It's like mental torture.

@WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast I start cbt Monday and have been on fluoxitine for 2 weeks they've not kicked in yet! I'm defo at the worse before better stage and losing my beautiful dog hasn't helped and the guilt that's come with that is torture.

Whats SSRIs please?

So comforting to hear you've got through this. I'm sure I've had ocd since I was 6 but only recently come to terms with it as I can't cope dealing with it on my own anymore. The thoughts and worries literally wake me in the night it's 24/7

@slapmyarseandcallmemary love the name! Sorry to hear you're struggling too. Anything you want to talk about?

I found it was so hard to get help. I spoke to psychiatric nurses for CBT and they wanted to know lots about my difficult childhood but when I mentioned obtrusive thoughts and how much it was harming me I was told everybody has them.

Hello
Therapist here! This is a debilitating thing to have. Lots of CBT advice but ERP therapy is my suggestion to combat this type of OCD. There’s a page on Instagram called “mypureocdawakening” which has some great advice on it.

@WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast that doesn't sound like something they should have brushed off like that! Glad you ended up with the help you needed. @Question10 thank you! I'm not on social media but will speak to my gp. Any advice on how to sleep?

@Helplessandheartbroke sorry to hear you are struggling. Your gp might be able to prescribe sleeping tablets. But otherwise, I suggest (as hard as it is) acknowledging the thoughts are there, don’t try to “fight” them or act in a compulsion to try and get them to stop. They are just thoughts. The thoughts are not you. Once you can take the power out of the thought, OCD will lose its grip on you. It thrives on an anxious reaction to the thoughts.
Please try and seek an ERP therapist who specialises in OCD.

@Question10 thank you so much for your advice! I wish I could take sleeping meds but I have an asd 3 year old who doesn't sleep much... I will speak to my gp about ERP thank you

@Helplessandheartbroke I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. My cat is nearly 21 and I just dread that day.

SSRIs are a class of antidepressant, fluoxetine is one. I was on sertraline and I found it did help. It will be different for everyone though obviously. They can take a fair few weeks to work.

Are you able to talk about the nature of your thoughts? When I was a kid, I worried about the gas being left on and things like that and needed to check everything was safe. For context, my father had an addiction issue. We had a flat roof and, this sounds so ridiculous, but I got preoccupied about whether the family dog would walk over the edge of the roof if he was put on it.

As an adult my OCD thoughts included:

• partners being paedophiles
• ran over someone/hit someone with car but didn't notice
• slept with someone under influence of alcohol
• contracted HIV because someone was bleeding in a pub 20 feet away from me
• fears I would push someone over in a wheelchair/call someone a racist name

I can only talk about my own experience but when the thoughts were worst, I was in a relationship that wasn't right for me. When I moved on from that the thoughts started to drop away. I know it's not that simple for everyone and I didn't even make the connection at the time. I was heading for marriage/a lifetime with someone who wasn't right for me and it was like the anxiety was coming out in those thoughts.

No worries! The sleep deprivation is not going to help your anxiety levels. Keep that in mind also. Even if you can’t do much about it, it’s worth keeping in mind that it will be especially bad if you are sleep deprived.

I recommend you set up an Instagram page so you can access some advice accounts on this. There are a few with some amazing advice and also solidarity with others. I think it helps knowing it isn’t “just you”.
Wishing you all the best

@WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast thank you so much for sharing! Amd for your condolences, I think my bereavement has sent me over the edge these last couple of weeks. And now you have none of those thoughts? Some of mine are similar there's some I will share but some I won't tell anyone as I'm sure you can understand.

As a child I would switch light switches on and off 6 times because I hated the number 6 and thought I had the devil in me!

As an adult I can relate to the worrying you've ran someone over and not noticed! This has happened to me twice this winter with the dark mornings! I obsessed over a bump my son had on his head that I didn't get checked out right away. My latest is obsessing over my dog and if we did the right thing by him and knowing I could have done more and having myself for not doing so. Hindsight is a wonderful thing....

I am happily married been together over 11 years but I do wish he understood ocd...

@Question10 you're absolutely right my thoughts and feelings are so much worse on the days I've only had 3 hours sleep! I will look at Instagram. Thank you so much!

I’ve found Mindfulness really helps my OCD. I go to a group once a week and then each night do an app (Calm or Headpsace). I also found Pilates and yoga helped with lowering the anxiety.

@Sunflower8848 thank you! I'll have a look at apps. What kind of group do you attend?

Hi OP, I’ve lived with OCD for many years now and have been on sertraline for over 15 years. It saved my life.. It’s given me my life back. I started having intrusive thoughts 15 years ago. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. The anxiety associated with these was immense. I couldn’t sleep, eat or function. Due to the gravity of the thoughts, thoughts similar to yours, I was a mess. I went to my gp and was referred for cbt. I had the most understanding and wonderful counsellor who straightened me out. My GP started me on sertraline. I had wobbles for the first few years but feel like I’m managing well. I will probably be on sertraline for the rest of my life, I’m 47. I have a yearly review with my GP and he has said that if I need them for ever then that’s fine. I know that I couldn’t cope without them. Even the thought gives me shivers.
OCD is a horrible illness. I was suicidal. I couldn’t believe that I was having the thoughts I was having. My counsellor gave me some good advice which I have always carried with me. He said that my reaction to the thoughts, the fact that I was so distressed, even suicidal about them, was evidence to show that I would never act on them as they appalled me so much. Please allow these words to comfort you too. Please get all the help you need. X