To explain to you how OCD feels

[Juno999]

Obviously each sufferer experiences it differently. However mine manifests in the form of repeated, obsessive thoughts, that run through my mind all day long, and appear out of nowhere.
I have a partner I've been with for a few years, and one day my brain decided to repeat the phrase 'I don't love you anymore'. Over and over again. No basis for it whatsoever, no relationship is perfect but this just came out of nowhere. I knew I loved him and still do but it's like my brain was forcing me to think this and say it in my mind, almost like a ritual .
I'd be trying to have a conversation with him and the words would be running through my mind over and over. It was so upsetting and made me question everything. It was completely debilitating and because of the nature of it I didn't feel like I could tell him.
I found some very helpful support online and luckily managed to 'snap out' of that. It comes back very occasionally but I'm able to control it now. However it lasted non stop for 4 months.
This has happened to me with other things, and it's totally at random. Just imagine any word whatsoever, anything bad, like murderer, child molester,racist etc.
The OCD will make you worry over and over that you're one of these things, even though there's no proof you are and you know you're not. Then, you'll start to feel awkward around all people, children, elderly, whichever group it is. You'll hear the words over and over again and it will run through your mind all day.
I still suffer this and I do access online support, but it makes me suicidal sometimes.
I've been incredibly stressed over finances, and have had a lot of self esteem issues and these things have triggered it. I get ways to control it but it comes back every now and again, and the only option I feel sometimes is suicide. I don't want to, I want to live but I can't cope with the obsessive thoughts and voices sometimes.
I'd be interested to hear from any other sufferers, or just any support as it's incredibly lonely and I'm also incredibly ashamed of it. It's another form of OCD that less people are aware of, many people associate just OCD with obsessive cleaning for instance.

@Ahostofgoldendaffodils not sure if the op is still on but welcome! So good to hear your now doing well!

@Helplessandheartbroke , just realising that this was an old thread! Hopefully my story will help. It really is a vile mental health illness. Very misunderstood too but there is help. X

@Ahostofgoldendaffodils it certainly is! Again thank you for commenting though. I didn't expect such helpful responses when I commented earlier. If you want to discuss anything let us know x

I relate to so much of this. In my 20s I would convince myself I had cheated on my boyfriend when I had not. I would be completely consumed by these thoughts of what I thought I had done or hadn't remembered. I would check all my texts and messages to reassure myself. I would even speak to him about it and apologise for something I hadn't done, it was so strange. I think reassurance seeking was my compulsion. It happened with my next boyfriend too and ate me up inside. I felt so guilty as if I had cheated when, in reality, I am the last person who would do so. I stopped going out for fun and stopped talking to men - all my own doing. It was such a relief to find out about Pure OCD many years later, I thought I was the only person in the world who accused themselves of awful things I hadn't done.

I am now in my 30s and my intrusive thoughts have shifted to imagining awful things happening throughout the day (mainly involving my loved ones) - it is like a Final Destination marathon in my head daily. I had come to just see that as normal and part of who I am but this thread is reminding me that it actually is something I probably need help with.

I am sorry so many of you are struggling.

I totally second @Question10's advice. Have a pseudonym account on Instagram to keep you grounded and remember it's not just you. The worst thoughts with OCD are the ones that are so bad you think you can't tell anyone in case they judge you forever. But those are the ones that keep you prisoner, that's how they work.

For me, being around nature as much as possible, long walks even when the weather is crap, helps.

I empathise with the number 6 thing. For me it was I had to do something utterly pointless a certain number of times or something bad would happen. One good strategy I found for this is, most people do this (bargaining) to some extent, like a lucky number/pants/superstitions. When you think about it that way you can maybe rationalise it and rein it in? I still get agitated when I see one magpie before midday even though I consider myself "better".

Also, I found the "what if?" strategy worked. Like, what if you had done the thing you feared. Even if the "what if" is bad, for me it would often help to follow it to the conclusion. I'll do the jail time/have to find another job/apologise/accept the public humiliation etc. It would just stop it spiralling as an unknown. Accept the what if and stop the thought having power over you.

I have made some assumptions about the nature of your OCD but I hope some of this is of use.

I rarely have the thoughts I described now. If I do, a bad hangover or sleepless night is usually in the background.

@MapelMoon been there too! After a very drunken night out convinced myself and my partner I must have cheated because I didn't remember walking home. No evidence to support this what so ever! Do you still struggle now?

@WouldRatherBeAPieceOftToast I can't tell you how helpful you've been! And already you understand me a lot! I've even emailed the vets tonight to ask for a call because I need reassurance I couldn't have done more etc I'm in so much pain right now

Sorry to hear you've experienced that too @Helplessandheartbroke . I don't get these particular thoughts anymore, which I'm really thankful for. I read a book called 'overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts' which helped a lot at that time.

I think because I'm in a different phase of life now my OCD thoughts patterns have shifted. Now they are all about death and horrible things happening. I have no idea how to stop these ones.

@MapelMoon mine have definitely shifted too the 'cheating' one was over 10 years ago. I think I'd rather have those thoughts than the ones I have now! How are you managing your thoughts? Have you considered help?

Oh no @Helplessandheartbroke do you mind me asking what the theme of your thoughts are now? Absolutely no worries if you'd rather not share.

To be honest, I don't think I am managing them really. I think being busy helps maybe? I have been on a waiting list for NHS help for so long that I've given up a little bit. Like I've just resigned to the fact that it is just who I am. I think this thread has reminded me it isn't normal though. I am just exhausted with fighting everyday in my own brain.

Hey @MapelMoon absolutely anything and everything! Blame and torture myself riddled with guilt and anxiety. About my son, losing my dog all of it! It's defo not normal but I guess it is for us

@MapelMoon OCD uk wi have device do you on how tooted for NHS help, see try ringing or emailing them

Sorry am having keyboard issues! OCD UK will have advice about getting NHS help, please try ringing them

My DD (6) is struggling with OCD, it’s taking over our lives. I feel so guilty as I was diagnosed in my teens and was determined when she was born to make a change and it let it affect her (and generally day to day I don’t show any ocd behaviours around her, never have) but some how it has worn off and I’ve passed it on to her too 😢

on another note re our own behaviours- I’ve done the classic retracing my journey in a car to make sure I haven’t ran anyone over and not noticed.. confessed to cheating on my boyfriend even though I didn’t because I’d created a false memory and convinced myself it was true) luckily he knew me well enough to know it was ridiculous - he’d been with me the entire time) .. carrying out time consuming rituals to protect family members... amongst other things x

I cant believe that intrusive thoughts like this are OCD. I'm absolutely gob smacked

Ever since becoming a parent I have daily intrusive thoughts that my children have died in their sleep, died at school. I see their funerals, see their little lifeless bodies. I try to push these thoughts away but it's very very difficult. Up until they were both around 4 and 5 I used to wake up every morning panicked that I'd go into their room to blue faces. I put this down to my first baby dying and having to attend his funeral,

One of my children is only 8 and I have a constant awful picture of them ending their own life when their older and it haunts me. I hate it. I have many more intrusive thoughts but the ones about my children are the worst.

I'm in shock this is so common and theres a name for it

I'm really shocked to hear that this is classed as OCD. I had this for years and years before I had children and put it down to general anxiety. I used to have an inner voice telling me on repeat that I was boring and to stop talking which ended two relationships as I was so nervous about talking. I was also terrified of someone beheading me. I would go into a complete panic if anyone walked or stood behind me. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and have been on citalopram for the last 12 years and haven't had them since I started it.

I'm so sorry to hear of everyone that is going through this, it is truly horrendous.

Hi all! For anyone unsure if they have ocd please speak to your gp for a formal diagnosis! There is help out there once diagnosed. @GlitterBall91 sorry your daughter is also going through this! But it is not your fault!

Is anyone still on this that would like to chat?

Hey @Zerodarkforty happy to still chat. Still have ocd of course. Are you ok?

Thank you!

Having an episode of feeling so mentally fatigued with ocd and it is casing so many problems in my relationship etc.

I have a fear of going mad/ getting a severe mental illness. It affects me being able to take medication or eat certain things in case they are spiked/ contaminated. I grew up with a mentally ill, alcoholic mother who was often sectioned so I’m aware of why I have it.

I don’t know anyone else in real life that has ocd. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and I always describe it as like the game whack-a-mole. You get a handle on one type/worry and then it comes back as a new fear!

Hey, I've been in a similar boat. Dh does not understand my irrational and illogical thoughts and we almost broke up recently. Would you be interested in an ocd support thread?

absolutely 👍

I have OCD and having some brilliant CBT through NHS self referral. Would really recommend it!

Im on the waiting list but have had it before.

@Zerodarkforty ill add it on the MH board now please join me

Severe OCD runs in my family and it's a really horrible, debilitating illness.
I have a few themes and when it's bad, they can make your blood run cold, and your brain just keeps revisiting these horrible thoughts nonstop. Every morning you wake up hoping your first thought isn't going to be the same OCD intrusive thought. Every night you go to sleep hoping you won't dream about it and that tomorrow might be better.

I have had cbt and lots of therapy throughout the years. It just comes back in different way and different worries/fears