To be upset by DB texts?

[WeeksintheSun]

I have a half brother that is 10 years my senior. He is nearly 60 years old.
We have never been really close due to the age gap. He lives 3 hours away and I live close to our Mother. My parents are divorced and my brother doesn’t have a relationship with my Dad although they are civil.
My DB has had a troubled past and is a difficult person to be around. He moved away some years ago and is settled with his wife. He is very opinionated and likes to dictate what others should do. He is loud and feels he is always right. He doesn’t listen. As he has gotten older he is fixated on his health and is always ill and has numerous ailments. zHe has been aggressive in the past.
He visits our Mother sometimes and I use to go to her house to see him but I struggle with his personality and I don’t feel comfortable in his company. He has been very rude and disrespectful in the past. I moved into a new home a few years ago and he came to visit our Mother. He was bringing her to my house and I thought he would come in and pay some interest in our new home but he dropped her off outside and drove off without as much as a ‘hello’. His niece wanted to call him to thank him for his gift and when he answered the phone he shouted “what do you want!” thinking it was me. These are just a few examples and he has had me in tears many times. He contacts me in relation to our Mother and vice versa . I used to send him pictures of his Neice but stopped as he doesn’t seem interested and it just fizzled out.
So onto the issue I need advice on..
He will only use one method of communication called Signal as he doesn’t trust WhatsApp etc. I have a new phone and didn’t download it as I only use Signal for his messages. I did try to download but I couldn’t remember the password. Mother hurt her ankle but it wasn’t serious. I got a text from my brother which read:
Why didn’t you tell me you no longer use signal. If you don’t want to receive anything then I can quite happily accommodate you. We only communicate in the barest sense of the word over our mother anyway, so if it’s all too much of an effort, then I suggest you go the whole hog and don’t bother me again.
I asked if he was okay? He replied:
Don’t attempt to defuse a situation by invoking some form of problem, hormonal, physical or otherwise. Noting wrong whatsoever apart from jumping through hoops to secure the most basic information. You’ve had that phone how long? Being a mother of one child doesnt preclude you from polite social interactions. I ask for the barest of information from you. You just gone beyond the line in the sand for the umpteenth time and sooner or later this was going to be the result. I suggest we communicate through our mother while she is still here.
This was a few weeks ago and I decided not to reply as I was upset and didn’t want to do anything rash. I also don’t want to upset Mum. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get the usual card and text.
I am thinking of ignoring it and carrying on a normal, sending cards and birthday/Christmas wishes and just communicating about Mum when it’s really necessary.
Any advice please?

I don’t understand, he was able to text you, so why does he need to contact you via Signal?

He sounds like a twat. I would just tell him ‘I don’t have Signal. You can confact me by text if necessary.’

Why are you going to keep sending him birthday and Christmas cards? Stop giving him space in your head and keeping a dead relationship going.

I would block him.

He's a pompous old git.

Yes, if he’s texting you, why is Signal vs WhatsApp an issue?

Based on what you’ve said about your brother’s prior behaviour, I would have stopped communicating with him long before now.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a nasty git. You’ve done a lot to accommodate him but I don’t think you’ll ever make him happy so I’d only contact him if needed as he suggests.

Just cut him off. He doesn't bring anything to your life.

Well quite clearly you hate each other.

You have given us some excellent reasons for not wanting a relationship with him and I am sure that he feels that he has his own excellent reasons not to want a relationship with you.

I think his suggestion to communicate only about your mother while she's still here is a good one.

I do think, knowing that you used signal to communicate with him about her, it is odd that you didn't download it or tell him you couldn't. You must have known that he would continue contacting you on signal about your mother, unaware that you weren't getting his messages. Even telling him that you weren't interested in receiving any more communications from him would have been more reasonable and understandable.

Block him and move on with your life.

I don't really understand why you need to contact him at all, surely if your mum hurt her ankle she's still capable of using the phone to contact him herself? I'd block and move on you'll be happier for it

You sound nice. Too nice really. Stop bothering with him. He's obviously a rude dickhead. His poor wife. I'm amazed he found someone to put up with him!

Three issues here for me:

1. You decided not to use Signal on your new phone and didn’t bother to tell him so he had no idea you weren’t using it. That’s rude on your part and you need to own that decision.

2. His manner of speaking to you in unacceptable and I wouldn’t tolerate it.

3. Why would you continue to send him stuff when he’s made it clear he’s not interested beyond your mum? It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship anyway so keep it to the minimum concerning your mum and enjoy the lack of drama with him.

It sounds like he’s done you the favour of cutting off contact so that saves you the trouble of doing it yourself.

Agree with all of this

I did try to download Signal a few times but I couldn’t remember passwords moving from Android to IPhone. It was on my to do list. Mum hurt her ankle and he must have been trying to get me. I understand his frustration here. What I don’t understand is the way he went about it. The messages were horrible.
But obviously, it’s not just about these messages. He has been like this all his life. He has ostracised everyone including his daughter and his wife’s adult children.
He was troubled growing up and came home often having been fighting. He drunk too much and got involved in crime. He has never held a job. When he lived at home, him and my Dad were always at loggerheads. When my Mum and Dad divorced he lived with my Mum for years. He was manipulating, aggressive and disrespectful to her most of the time. Then suddenly he told us he was getting married and moved 4 hours away. He only came back a few times a year and it felt like a relief. When he came to see Mum, I would go and visit but I use to dread it. You never knew what you were going to get. One New Year, after a party at my house, he walked back with Mum and something happened and he ended up shouting and swearing at Mum, calling her names, in front of his wife. He would get drunk and want to start talking about his daughter in a melancholy.
He doesn’t come over as much now as Mum goes to stay with him but he is not interested in forming a relationship with me or my family. When I moved into our new house, he dropped Mum off outside and just drove off. No hello or anything. Of course Mum made an excuse for him. My DD called him to thank him for a gift and, thinking it was me he shouted “what do you want!”. He doesn’t ask about her or any of us and I have tried texting him things about her and sending pictures. He acknowledges them but never asks anything. He is a very difficult man and I don’t feel comfortable with him. Someone once asked me - if you met him as a friend, would I want to continue to be friends and spend time with him. My answer is No, definitely not. I am not sure we bring anything to the party for each other.

I don’t use Signal to communicate with anyone else. He will only use this as he doesn’t trust anything else. He is like that. Very distrusting and negative about everything. He lives his life so differently to me. I want to be positive and see good in people but I struggle with him. I am very accommodating and understanding to a fault really.

I have to agree with this OP. Yes you forgot the password, but it doesn't sound like you put much effort into trying to sort that out, and at the very least you should have passed a message (text or via your mum) to let him know.

Otherwise just walk away, he's unpleasant and has given you an out from the relationship. Take it.

I have a half brother who lives fifteen minutes away.

He's misogynistic, depressive, and has little enough interest in my life.

Honestly, I find it hard to see why you waste energy on him. If you're so determined to be positive, do the positive thing for both of you and leave him be.

My brother wouldn't be happier if I tried to see the good in him all the time and kept him up to date with things he doesn't care about.

No you’re right, I didn’t make much of an effort trying to get into Signal and I could have done more. I did tell Mum I hadn’t set it up yet. Maybe I didn’t go to the effort because 1. I knew Mum was capable of discussing it directly with him and 2. He would only be messaging to tell me that he thinks I should do this or that.
when Mum hurt her ankle, she didn’t want him to know everything because he goes over board and gets bossy and controlling. She sent us a picture of her swollen ankle after she hurt it. Obviously my DB reacted to this. Mum even said to me “ dont tell you BD too much as he will want to come down” She didn’t want him telling her what to do etc. We only communicate over Signal for this reason and he often dictates what he thinks I should be doing. So no, I didn’t rush to download it. Anyways, he has my telephone number to call or to text.

I would stop trying to have a relationship with him.

Just ignore his diatribe. People like him thrive on drama and want an emotional tug-o-war with everyone. Just... drop your end of the rope, and leave him to steam and bubble over, like the over-emotional little teapot he is.

As he's text you, he's clearly able to use the medium, so continue to text him about mum-related issues as required.

If he asks "why don't you have Signal?" Just reply with "I prefer not to." No need to engage.

I'd ignore him.

For one thing, it will really do his head in.

But he doesn’t just contact via Signal, it’s clear he does text people because he texted you.

I bet this is another form of control - making you contact him by his approved means.

I bet he texts other people like his wife and has telephone banking.

Take back control and tell him you no longer have Signal but he can text you, as he has done so.

He sounds rude and annoying, but I also suspect there is a lot more to his story than the side you've given here.

He's obviously had a very difficult childhood, I wonder whether he was rejected by a parent or/and step-parent and then you, ten years younger, was the golden child. He probably had other struggles in life that you don't know about. Anyway, that doesn't excuse his rudeness, but may give an insight into his anger.

You only communicated through one method, you stopped using that method without telling him. You struggled with a password but you could have reset that, or sent a message through your mum. Because of this, when your mother hurt herself he didn't hear about it presumably until afterwards, which must have upset him.

Do you want to have a relationship with him? If you don't, then he's set things in place for you to not need to contact him again. Being related to someone doesn't put you under any obligation to be in touch with them. You have the opportunity now to drop him completely.

You say you will still send him cards and messages though so perhaps you do want some level of relationship? In which case, you should send out what you want to, but must expect nothing in return, otherwise I suspect you will be disappointed. Only communicate when you want to, never out of obligation.

I think it may be a good idea to let him communicate directly with your mother if that's possible, never through you. It can be difficult for a sibling when another sibling becomes the "gatekeeper" of an elderly parent's communication.

I am very grateful for your advice and replies.
I am nervous about cutting ties. My Mum always told me not to do anything I may regret later in life. My husband knows how difficult my DB is. He said that he would ignore the messages and he would just carry on as normal, sending birthday cards etc. to be honest, our relationship is not any more than this anyway. I guess it was inevitable once he moved away.
I think differently to my DH and feel like I can’t rest until I have acknowledged him and got my feelings off my chest. Nothing rude, just that I appreciate his frustration but that I have a boundary and that he has crossed it. Or do you think it’s all just a waste of time. I am so confused as I don’t want a relationship with him as he is and he won’t change as he sees nothing wrong. I just don’t want to get older and regret things. My DM doesn’t speak to her sister and I know this plays on her mind.