To be upset by DB texts?

[WeeksintheSun]

I have a half brother that is 10 years my senior. He is nearly 60 years old.
We have never been really close due to the age gap. He lives 3 hours away and I live close to our Mother. My parents are divorced and my brother doesn’t have a relationship with my Dad although they are civil.
My DB has had a troubled past and is a difficult person to be around. He moved away some years ago and is settled with his wife. He is very opinionated and likes to dictate what others should do. He is loud and feels he is always right. He doesn’t listen. As he has gotten older he is fixated on his health and is always ill and has numerous ailments. zHe has been aggressive in the past.
He visits our Mother sometimes and I use to go to her house to see him but I struggle with his personality and I don’t feel comfortable in his company. He has been very rude and disrespectful in the past. I moved into a new home a few years ago and he came to visit our Mother. He was bringing her to my house and I thought he would come in and pay some interest in our new home but he dropped her off outside and drove off without as much as a ‘hello’. His niece wanted to call him to thank him for his gift and when he answered the phone he shouted “what do you want!” thinking it was me. These are just a few examples and he has had me in tears many times. He contacts me in relation to our Mother and vice versa . I used to send him pictures of his Neice but stopped as he doesn’t seem interested and it just fizzled out.
So onto the issue I need advice on..
He will only use one method of communication called Signal as he doesn’t trust WhatsApp etc. I have a new phone and didn’t download it as I only use Signal for his messages. I did try to download but I couldn’t remember the password. Mother hurt her ankle but it wasn’t serious. I got a text from my brother which read:
Why didn’t you tell me you no longer use signal. If you don’t want to receive anything then I can quite happily accommodate you. We only communicate in the barest sense of the word over our mother anyway, so if it’s all too much of an effort, then I suggest you go the whole hog and don’t bother me again.
I asked if he was okay? He replied:
Don’t attempt to defuse a situation by invoking some form of problem, hormonal, physical or otherwise. Noting wrong whatsoever apart from jumping through hoops to secure the most basic information. You’ve had that phone how long? Being a mother of one child doesnt preclude you from polite social interactions. I ask for the barest of information from you. You just gone beyond the line in the sand for the umpteenth time and sooner or later this was going to be the result. I suggest we communicate through our mother while she is still here.
This was a few weeks ago and I decided not to reply as I was upset and didn’t want to do anything rash. I also don’t want to upset Mum. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get the usual card and text.
I am thinking of ignoring it and carrying on a normal, sending cards and birthday/Christmas wishes and just communicating about Mum when it’s really necessary.
Any advice please?

I think differently to my DH and feel like I can’t rest until I have acknowledged him and got my feelings off my chest. Nothing rude, just that I appreciate his frustration but that I have a boundary and that he has crossed it

From the sound of his personality there is little point in trying to explain/negotiate/acknowledge with him and wanting to get feelings off your chest by continuing to try and have a discourse with him and to try to tell him how you feel doesn’t sound like a boundary at all. A boundary is accepting who he is and deciding what you will tolerate and what you won’t and then choosing your level of contact, your behaviour around him, your communication style and deciding what is ultimately best for you and your own mental health. I would actually get a pen and a piece of paper and write down a contract for yourself and get it clear.

Rather than try and negotiate with him, take the drama out of it, be formally polite and for example just say “I will only be using text from now on so please use that if you have reason to communicate with me”. You don’t owe him apology or explanation and I think you have to accept that he won’t ever respond to people as you would understandably like him to. You can still have a good relationship with your mother and you may find your relationship with your brother is no worse if you are more of a grey rock around him. You can’t change him but you can change your response to him.

OP you don't have to put up with this. I would have told him to fuck off years ago. If you are in England he won't get half of your dad's estate, he'll get what he's been willed in the will.

I’d want to send one last message and then I’d feel I was done with it.

FYI, there is no one ‘uk’ law, it depends on the nation you’re in. So if you’re in England, then you and DB have no rights to your dad’s assets, he can leave it 50:50 or 90:10 or all to a cats home as long as he’s sound of mind when doing his will.

@WeeksintheSun

I just feel that, after all these years of unacceptable behaviour, he needs to know what an unpleasant person he is. I realise why my DH told me not to react. I just want to hurt him for all the times he has hurt me but that’s not going to help is it.

The thing is he won't be hurt and realise what an ass he's being/been. He will just get angry and sledgehammer his anger onto you, making you even more hurt.

Why poke the bear when you can just cut him out of your life without a further unnecessary word (no cards, etc and just communicate regarding your mother in an emergency. She can liaise directly with him without your involvement at any other time).

Your husband has the right thinking here I think. 🌹

I have a similar situation in that I don't want to have any relationship with my brother and his family outside that about my mother. To me my reasons are perfectly valid but I know him and my SIL don't understand my view of events. So they insist on sending me cards, messages etc and I really wish they wouldn't and don't reciprocate.

OP thats my brother, one sentence is worse that the previous one, its actually uncanny. Very disrespectful but always thinks he is right. Nitpicks everything I say and finds fault with me on everything and writes it down in texts and sees no issues in what he does. If he doesnt get a reaction the next test is worse. No answer for you, other than minimising contact or going no contact and blocking. No one needs this drama in their life from disrespectful and actually toxic people.

‘I don’t use Signal anymore. You can contact me by text, but if you continue to communicate in a rude and aggressive way then I will not respond.’

'Good lord the drama. What makes you think I want any more of your bullying to come my way? I'd happily never have another of your borish messages ever and I'm not downloading a messaging service so that more of you and your tin foil hat nonsense can get through. AKA FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM'.

Haha yes, it’s a bit ‘download this app so my bullying messages are secure’ 😂

Put all your posts about him tigether, and all your past histiry, and draw a line under it.

Then write this :

SO WHAT?

You did not make him, you can’t change him, you can’t guide him, chivvy him, educate him, love him ir anything else.

You’re basically saying you will contact him via Signal

Too waffly, just tell him you don’t use Signal anymore and he can text you in case of emergency.

The problem is that sending this is like trying to get understanding from a rabid wild animal. It won’t make him see your point and it won’t give you any peace or satisfaction.

I would tell him “Using signal no linger works for me. If you need something from me you will have to text me.”

Communicate facts, nothing more.

Also, he’s not a well person. It’s not your fault, but you need to keep interactions about your Mom and nothing more in order to keep yourself emotionally safe.

If it helps to tell yourself he’s mentally ill then do so. He probably is a, actually.

Thank you to everyone that commented. I have decided not to reply to his messages. I think it’s right that he wouldn’t understand anyway and I might just get some abuse and I don’t want that. I spoke to my DH again about how I feel no he said that it was typical for my DB to behave this way and that he has no off switch. He often offends and that he is also uncomfortable in his presence so I should be happy that he lives miles away and doesn’t want much to do with us. I hadn’t looked at it this way. I don’t want to bother with him and that’s okay. I will message in an emergency relating to Mum but that’s it. My DH suggested sending the birthday card to my SIL but told me not to expect anything back. Anyway, we will see I guess.

Yabu.

I think that’s the right decision, OP.

Sorry you didn’t luck out in the brother stakes, I didn’t either

I think that’s a good decision!

Thank you. You can’t choose family can you? And if you could, I would have chosen carefully. Sorry you have similar luck @CherryMaDeara. I think I may go and speak to someone about my problems as unfortunately, I struggle with my DM too at times and it wouldn’t be so much of an issue if I knew how to deal with it and realised that I do deserve some respect.

You deserve respect period! Not just some.

Get him to fuck, he sounds like a massive prick. Twat.

I might not have put it in quite the same way but honestly, this OP, he adds nothing to your life, I'd just reduce contact to the absolute minimum.

I suggest we communicate through our mother while she is still here.

You don't need to reply. He's already told you what to do, and I agree with him. Don't bother sending cards or presents anymore because once your mother is dead he will never speak to you again. He's been telling you this for years so start listening, and accept you can't change it/him.

I sympathise, the situation sucks and it hurts massively but it takes two people giving and taking to make a relationship, not just a giver or a taker.

@INeedAnotherName your post has really resonated with me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me and as I think about it, he hasn’t for years. He has just been polite. I should be glad about it but it’s hard to let go. I don’t have a close relationship with my parents and feel that I have to hold on to anything I can get. I get on with my Dad okay but he has never been that interested in me or my life. Mum is elderly and we have slowly drifted apart. I realised when I got married and had kids, that she was very manipulative and selfish. She was always fine as long as I did what I was told. I have had some difficult times with her. She tells lies constantly to get attention and so I never know where I am with her. She is the typical narcissist mother. She is always making sure I know my duty to her and she has never let me go off and have a life. She is always controlling it somehow. I keep thinking it must me me that’s the problem even though people tell me I am not imagining it. So I guess I am just trying to hang on to anything that will show me that I am loved and worthy just for being me with no strings, even when I am being a pain. I can also say that I am blessed with a wonderful and supportive DH who understands how difficult my family is and who listens and makes me a better person. Just when I think I am being strong and setting boundaries and looking after my mental health, something like this happens and I am right back to being upset again. I do wonder if I need to speak to my GP about this and get some tools to help me?

Definitely try contacting your GP as they might be able to refer you to a short therapy course so you can unpick a little.

My mother held our family together but I didn't realise it. Once she died one brother never picked up his phone to any of us, doesn't even go to Aunts/Uncles funerals, no idea if he's still living in the same home. Another has not given out our full inheritance, so basically stolen from us all. I tried my hardest to keep us all in contact as it was one of my mother's dying wishes. It nearly broke me. I've had to accept i'm not that important to them and I can't force them. But damn, it hurts.

It doesn’t sound like he’s even been polite, ever, to anyone.