To be upset by DB texts?

[WeeksintheSun]

I have a half brother that is 10 years my senior. He is nearly 60 years old.
We have never been really close due to the age gap. He lives 3 hours away and I live close to our Mother. My parents are divorced and my brother doesn’t have a relationship with my Dad although they are civil.
My DB has had a troubled past and is a difficult person to be around. He moved away some years ago and is settled with his wife. He is very opinionated and likes to dictate what others should do. He is loud and feels he is always right. He doesn’t listen. As he has gotten older he is fixated on his health and is always ill and has numerous ailments. zHe has been aggressive in the past.
He visits our Mother sometimes and I use to go to her house to see him but I struggle with his personality and I don’t feel comfortable in his company. He has been very rude and disrespectful in the past. I moved into a new home a few years ago and he came to visit our Mother. He was bringing her to my house and I thought he would come in and pay some interest in our new home but he dropped her off outside and drove off without as much as a ‘hello’. His niece wanted to call him to thank him for his gift and when he answered the phone he shouted “what do you want!” thinking it was me. These are just a few examples and he has had me in tears many times. He contacts me in relation to our Mother and vice versa . I used to send him pictures of his Neice but stopped as he doesn’t seem interested and it just fizzled out.
So onto the issue I need advice on..
He will only use one method of communication called Signal as he doesn’t trust WhatsApp etc. I have a new phone and didn’t download it as I only use Signal for his messages. I did try to download but I couldn’t remember the password. Mother hurt her ankle but it wasn’t serious. I got a text from my brother which read:
Why didn’t you tell me you no longer use signal. If you don’t want to receive anything then I can quite happily accommodate you. We only communicate in the barest sense of the word over our mother anyway, so if it’s all too much of an effort, then I suggest you go the whole hog and don’t bother me again.
I asked if he was okay? He replied:
Don’t attempt to defuse a situation by invoking some form of problem, hormonal, physical or otherwise. Noting wrong whatsoever apart from jumping through hoops to secure the most basic information. You’ve had that phone how long? Being a mother of one child doesnt preclude you from polite social interactions. I ask for the barest of information from you. You just gone beyond the line in the sand for the umpteenth time and sooner or later this was going to be the result. I suggest we communicate through our mother while she is still here.
This was a few weeks ago and I decided not to reply as I was upset and didn’t want to do anything rash. I also don’t want to upset Mum. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get the usual card and text.
I am thinking of ignoring it and carrying on a normal, sending cards and birthday/Christmas wishes and just communicating about Mum when it’s really necessary.
Any advice please?

If he stops sending you birthday and xmas cards, will you keep sending thrm to him? I think that’s madness.

Yes, my point up the thread was that if he texts you and your mother, he’s clearly able to use other forms of comms other than Signal. I also have a friend who uses Signal and won’t use WhatsApp — I tell him I’m not downloading an app just for him, so he texts or actually phones if he wants to get in touch.

Also, he sounds awful. I wouldn’t be putting myself out to communicate with him. Just let him bluster on to himself via whatever form of communication he prefers. You don’t have to engage.

I'd have blocked him years ago on text, calls and anything else. He sounds awful. If you see him at a family gathering I'd do a quick hi if necessary and ignore him whenever possible. You don't need to keep in communication with him so get rid.

Can you make sure that you are down as your mother is power-of-attorney and executor? This guy is going to cause mayhem at that point. As far as cards are concerned, I would send them to any children he has or his wife but I wouldn't send them to him.

Some people perceive signal as more privacy than whatsapp. Personally I believe no communication system is secure vs intelligence services,
That said some do think there is a difference.

I would reply -
“Use text messages like everyone else and stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. I couldn’t download Signal, and I apologise for not letting you know, but why didn’t you just text me? I haven’t got the energy for constant drama over nothing so I think it’s best we have a break from communicating with each other for a while.”

Then cut him out of your life, he sounds like an idiot.

He has had a difficult childhood but most of us have. He didn’t know his Dad in an era that wasn’t forgiving of this. He live with DM and DG and he was loved. DM met my DD and he adopted him but they were at loggerheads mainly because my DB got into a lot of trouble. He made bad decisions and never owned them. His GF left him with their child because of his behaviour and moved out of town so he went through a lengthy battle for custody. He eventually got this but ended up having a fight in front of his DD with his GFs new partner. He decided to stop seeing her. He has never worked apart from 1 job but he got into trouble with another member of staff me he ended up leaving. He worked for a family member once but said he ripped him off and so our families don’t speak now. Mum has always made excuses for him. I know he has some issues. That’s obvious but how long can you keep making excuses for him. He has never acknowledged his difficulties or tried to help himself. I am nearly 50 now and it’s time to think about me and the people I want in my life.

My Mum doesn’t have anything to leave in a Will. She has no money and doesn’t own property. She has requested no funeral and her ashes are to be returned to me. However, my DF does have money and he wasn’t going to leave my DB anything. He did adopt him but my DB changed his name legally to my DM maiden name. He asked my my advice and I told him to think about it and do what he felt was right. He decided to leave him something in his Will. He also elected for no funeral so the likelihood that I will ever see him again is slim.

OP your awful brother is a bully, a massive BULLY to you and your Mum.

You don't need to download anything on YOUR phone that you're not comfortable with.

So you're 50ish then and still being bullied.
This horrible person brings nothing to your life, does he. ?

I've not read any replies on here but will assume people are making excuses for his behaviour ?
If so ignore them OP.

If it was me, I wouldn’t officially ‘cut him off’ as such I just wouldn’t contact him. He can text you if he wants to - this Signal app is just something controlling, and to moan about by the sound of it. He sounds unpleasant and life’s too short to put up with that shit, brother or not. Just disengage.

The only way to deal with conflictual people like him is to have firm, consistent boundaries and to refuse to engage in combat.

He's not self-aware enough, it's pointless trying to get through to him or explain things, he'll just turn it around on you.

Be factual and polite (but not to excess) in every interaction and keep your feelings safely out of his reach.

You don't owe him anything, it's not your fault he had a troubled life. And no-one is doing him any favours by playing by his rules.

Your brother does sound difficult, but maybe he had a difficult childhood and felt pushed out when you came along, I don't know, but there could be a relevant his side of the story here.

You stopped using the messaging system that you used with him without telling him and are making stupid excused about passwords when we all know passwords are very easy to reset. Your response when he mentioned it "Are you ok?" was passive aggressive and condescending and I don't think you really were concerned to know if he was ok, I am not surprised it annoyed him, sounds like that is exactly what you wanted.

Anyway the two of you don't seem to get on, so why not cut out or reduce your contact.

Sounds like he might have a personality disorder but that's not your problem.

I'd text:

'I no longer use Signal. You can contact me via text in the event of an emergency.'

Then ignore him.

He is a massive bully and always has been. He dictates to you rather than discussing anything. He doesn’t want to be bothered with my life and tells me so. It’s just ‘white noise’ to him. I agree that whatever I say in retaliation will fall on deaf ears and will just end up being my fault. I just feel that, after all these years of unacceptable behaviour, he needs to know what an unpleasant person he is. I realise why my DH told me not to react. I just want to hurt him for all the times he has hurt me but that’s not going to help is it.

Just tell him that you are sorry you didn't let him know about Signal but you are no longer going to use it. Tell him that if he needs to contact you he can text or phone. That would be it. Don't get involved in an argument or get sucked into the drama or unpleasantness.

Not really relevant to this, but just to be aware in relation to your father. You haven't said where you are in the UK (and I don't think you should here because I don't want to derail) but if you're in Scotland and your dad legally adopted your brother, then your brother would be automatically entitled to a share of any money etc on your dad's death, whatever is in the will and whether or not your brother changed his name. (It's called prior rights IIRC)

I don’t know if he felt like he had a difficult childhood. I wasn’t there and am 10 years younger. I have never treated him any differently to they way I treat anyone else. I don’t treat him badly because he has made some mistakes. We were never close because of the age gap. I tried to get into Signal a few times but wanted to recover the original account. I struggled to do this because I needed the information from my old phone. I am a bit of tech phobe. I didn’t mean to be condescending in my message but yes, I maybe we passive aggressive. I am that way with him as I feel I need to be careful what I say as he can fly off the handle and start shouting and yelling. So yes, I am always trying to tread carefully.

https://www.livbrown.co.uk/private-client/wills/legal-rights-of-children-of-the-deceased-in-scotland sorry legal rights. Prior rights is for spouses

What's being old got to do with anything? You can be a pompous git at any age. Less of the ageism please.

I am also aware that as an adopted child under UK law, he will be entitled to the same rights as me. I did try to explain this to my DF when he was drawing up his affairs. My DF still decided to leave him a percentage in his Will despite the fact that he has rights to half. I really don’t care about this. Money is not a solution anyway.

He is obnoxious and he's playing his game which you have learnt to play along with. Call him out.

Women are all brought up to be more submissive and we all get into such trouble because of this. It's not easy but we need to become more assertive - not aggressive - because only then can we have any opportunity to be equal. You can't be a peacekeeper with him. He's a bully.

Personally, I would have told him I forgot the password so that it's been hell getting signal up and running. But I would also tell him you don't talk to him much because you find him aggressive and overbearing, so yes minimal conversation is the best option ref your DM.

That's it, nice and simple.

I also feel that he has some sort of personality disorder. Some of his behaviour that I have witnessed is just not right. He is highly intelligent but lacks any social norms. I have seen how he interacted with his DD when she was young and it was difficult to watch. Holding onto her tightly when she was upset or playing up. I still remember that look on her face and her desperately trying to wriggle away. He met up with her some years ago when she was in her late teens. He visited her at her home and she would only talk to him behind a cupboard door. He was seen by a psychiatrist many years ago but he said he was just very clever and got bored easily. He is uncomfortable in most social situations and doesn’t seem to know what he is saying is rude. He can also be very explosive although this has lessened with age. Anyway, that’s all by the by really. I have stopped trying to figure him out.

What on earth is Signal? Never heard of it!

His poor wife.
How does she tolerate him.

I want to message this:
. I understand that you were frustrated and worried about Mum so it will have been frustrating when you didn’t get a reply from me on Signal. I never intended to ignore you or be difficult but there are other ways to communicate and I was struggling to get on the app with my original details. Anyway, that’s by the by. I do feel that your message was offensive and hurtful and I won’t be bullied by you. You have made it clear how you wish to communicate in future and I will respect this.
Or should I just leave it be and move I.