To be upset by DB texts?

[WeeksintheSun]

I have a half brother that is 10 years my senior. He is nearly 60 years old.
We have never been really close due to the age gap. He lives 3 hours away and I live close to our Mother. My parents are divorced and my brother doesn’t have a relationship with my Dad although they are civil.
My DB has had a troubled past and is a difficult person to be around. He moved away some years ago and is settled with his wife. He is very opinionated and likes to dictate what others should do. He is loud and feels he is always right. He doesn’t listen. As he has gotten older he is fixated on his health and is always ill and has numerous ailments. zHe has been aggressive in the past.
He visits our Mother sometimes and I use to go to her house to see him but I struggle with his personality and I don’t feel comfortable in his company. He has been very rude and disrespectful in the past. I moved into a new home a few years ago and he came to visit our Mother. He was bringing her to my house and I thought he would come in and pay some interest in our new home but he dropped her off outside and drove off without as much as a ‘hello’. His niece wanted to call him to thank him for his gift and when he answered the phone he shouted “what do you want!” thinking it was me. These are just a few examples and he has had me in tears many times. He contacts me in relation to our Mother and vice versa . I used to send him pictures of his Neice but stopped as he doesn’t seem interested and it just fizzled out.
So onto the issue I need advice on..
He will only use one method of communication called Signal as he doesn’t trust WhatsApp etc. I have a new phone and didn’t download it as I only use Signal for his messages. I did try to download but I couldn’t remember the password. Mother hurt her ankle but it wasn’t serious. I got a text from my brother which read:
Why didn’t you tell me you no longer use signal. If you don’t want to receive anything then I can quite happily accommodate you. We only communicate in the barest sense of the word over our mother anyway, so if it’s all too much of an effort, then I suggest you go the whole hog and don’t bother me again.
I asked if he was okay? He replied:
Don’t attempt to defuse a situation by invoking some form of problem, hormonal, physical or otherwise. Noting wrong whatsoever apart from jumping through hoops to secure the most basic information. You’ve had that phone how long? Being a mother of one child doesnt preclude you from polite social interactions. I ask for the barest of information from you. You just gone beyond the line in the sand for the umpteenth time and sooner or later this was going to be the result. I suggest we communicate through our mother while she is still here.
This was a few weeks ago and I decided not to reply as I was upset and didn’t want to do anything rash. I also don’t want to upset Mum. It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get the usual card and text.
I am thinking of ignoring it and carrying on a normal, sending cards and birthday/Christmas wishes and just communicating about Mum when it’s really necessary.
Any advice please?

@INeedAnotherName that sounds hard for you. I understand you’re hurt. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I wouldn’t want the Waltons for a family. I have just had a few cross words with DM because she told someone a lie. She said she would visit them then changed her mind which is her right. Unfortunately she told them she couldn’t visit because she had a fall, cut her head open and can’t stop it bleeding. That again is up to her but then this person calls me, they are worried about her, tried calling her and she is not responding. Her lies but me in a very awkward position. She didn’t even need to tell a lie in the first place. But that’s my DM for you. I contacted her and said that I would be going along with her lies and told her that it was awkward etc. her response “I didn’t lie and even if I did, get off your high horse. You have offended me” I asked if she had fallen and hurt her head? She admitted she had, some weeks before so she did not lie. She followed this up with a text saying I had offended her. I just don’t want this sort of drama in my life.

He has a phone, you have a phone. In dire emergency you can make contact with each other.

Personally, I would continue to send him birthday and Xmas cards, but expect nothing in return. He sounds unreasonable, so keep up your end of civility and that is one less thing he can moan about, and you will know you didn't just cut him off.

I think "not doing anything you regret" is more aimed at situations where you don't speak to someone after an argument, neither side makes a move to reconcile and so don't speak for the next 20 years. (I know someone who hasn't spoken to his parents for 20+ years after a row over a yoghurt!) "Not doing something you regret" does not apply to cutting a vile, controlling, abusive bully of a man out of your life. More likely that in years to come you'll actually regret you didn't do it sooner.

This.

He is awful.

Stop chasing and humouring him.

Let your mother manage her relationship with her awful son.

I never see the point in endlessly chasing a relationship with someone who has made their position crystal clear.

Being too nice is a real cross.

He's awful.
Forget about him.
Move on.

Be careful of what you are modelling to your child.

Oh good grief, so it was your mother creating stupidity in the beginning, then doubling down before blaming you? Then he comes along and gives you a good kicking?

Now I see where his anger at you is from. Your mother has taught him you are a good punching bag and should be used on a regular basis. She taught you to accept it.

I am so so sorry. What's the words used on here?...go NC with brother (his anger is too entrenched to change), and go LC with your mother. You need to start protecting yourself. Wrap your lovely DH around you like a comfort blanket and don't look back

Just ignore him. He sounds crazy. What the heck is signal?

1. “DB, you are a total prick and a bully, and I will no longer entertain it. If there’s an emergency you have my phone number to text or call. Otherwise don’t contact me.” Then completely cut off contact.
2. Explain gently to your mother that you aren’t maintaining contact with your brother anymore due to his behaviour, but he knows how to contact you in emergencies.
3. Start seeing a therapist to discuss the impact of your brother’s bullying (even just to let off steam as you are in this thread).

You get one life, OP, and he has done nothing to deserve your attention. Put your feelings first for once and be done with it.

Your mum doesn't sound much better either. What a load of drama. Just concentrate on your DH and DD. You can't choose your family sadly but I get that it is upsetting if yours are as difficult as your DM and your DB.

Signal is a messaging app beloved, quite frankly, by absolute chippy conspiratorial bores.

Its marketed as a super encrypted secure blah blah alternative to WhatsApp and designed to (apprently) give privacy from "the grey suits" that are clearly very interested in what middle aged "edgy" men are chatting about.

It's beloved by those who think they're interesting enough to be spied on by the government.

The fact that DB is one of the above and demanding that his family members use "secure lines" to contact him paints a very accurate picture of what this man is all about.

Pompus, controlling, contrary, and a total pain in the arse.

OP id sack him off without looking back.

I’d take up his offer to go NC and I wouldn’t look back.

He sounds boorish and unpleasant and I don’t think you could do anything which would change how he treats you (and everyone else by the sound of it).

I second the pp that suspected a personality disorder. My sibling is very similar and although undiagnosed fits the bill of a lot of things I've read. Not that it makes any difference to how much it all hurts, of course.

While I have many questions about her behaviour, I couldn't go on trying to reason with her, walking on eggshells and getting horrible texts full of abuse. She knows where we are if she needs anything but sadly leaving her to it became the only sensible option.

Like your brother she also started getting funny about birthdays and Christmas greetings so they all stopped too. That's been hard but there was just no point flogging a dead horse.

Don't try to get back into Signal at all now. Fuck him. It's just another form of control.

Also, your mum sounds awful too. Fuck the lot of them.

He sounds like an absolute sexist bastard. Cut all ties with him. Your mum can contact him about anything urgent to do with her. You have no responsibility towards him.

100%

Bin the twat.

Oh WOW. Thank you for your responses. @INeedAnotherName you got the nail in the head. I don’t want to come across like a victim. I was in my late 30s when I realised the relationship between me and DM wasn’t quite right. I started to feel controlled and uncomfortable with certain situations. I completely get that this is just my side of a story and I don’t doubt that I am wrong at times. This is different. It was the telling me that she would only babysit for work and not for us to have a good time. It was saying she couldn’t manage childcare and when I did something about it she told me I had done it too quickly. Why wasn’t I drinking at her party but would have a drink at my MIL party (because I was pregnant and wanted it to be a surprise).
Begging me not to move 30 minutes away and using subtle threats like she was looking for somewhere to live closer to DB. All to get me to do what she wanted because she was insecure. She isn’t as bad now but that is because, over time, I am learning how to deal with her (boy it’s still hard!) She still says things like “my friend doesn’t see her DD often. Isn’t that terrible of her DD that she doesn’t have time for her Mum”. To be honest there are so many examples.
When you live/see someone like this you realise that it strips you of you self worth. I struggle to make my own decisions and am constantly confused about how I feel. I replay all of these times over and over until I make myself ill!
You become a people pleaser by nature. You doubt your feelings even when they are telling you something doesn’t feel right. You do anything to keep the cart on the wheels. Then you feel guilty for going against all that you were told. This is like this all the time mind you. I comes and goes but I never seem to get on top of how I feel.
I don’t see my DM as often as I used to even though she is now 81 and lives close by.
I constantly judge myself and my actions and I work hard to be a better person and Mother to my DD. I think I have achieved this or I hope so at least.
It’s crazy but 1 post never tells the full story. I guess it’s not just about my DB but that I struggle to deal with these issue with out asking for advice.
@FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee I absolutely agree- fuck em all🤣
@Verv never laughed so much. I think you must know him cause you described him perfectly.
Sorry to digress everyone. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

Another poster on a different thread mentioned a woman on YouTube yesterday (it was regarding abusive husbands). Most of the videos are 2 minutes long but it felt like somebody really understood me. There are longer videos but just spend 10 minutes on 5 videos please, they don't require sound.

Search Elizabeth Shaw Understanding Narcissism.

OP, you know when you choose boundaries with your mother, you are also choosing your daughter.

Everything you do to be kinder to yourself and not be manipulated, benefits your daughter.

I don't believe people are owed your time if they have treated you poorly, just because they are aging.

@INeedAnotherName thanks, I will take a look at this. I do think it’s time to speak to someone about these issues. I put it off before because of the cost of counselling but maybe I need to make a sacrifice elsewhere. Hope you are okay.
@billy1966 thanks for your comment. I never looked at it like that.