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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I need to tell her but I’m scared of her reaction…

93 replies

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:00

I’ve been dating someone since the beginning of the year, we aren’t dating other people but aren’t officially a couple yet either.

I have someone I briefly dated (only talking stages really, never even did anything together sexually etc) who then became a friend in the end but we agreed to drift apart from each other when we started dating other people again out of respect for new partners etc and I also think she still had some feelings for me and found it difficult.

I was upfront about this from day 1 with the person I am now dating, but they are still quite wary about her even though we aren’t in each others lives anymore, because in past relationships exes have always been an issue for her by people going back to their exes or cheating with their exes etc, so I understand where her worry and concern comes from but NO chance of that happening here.

My friends sister had cancer when we was still talking, and tonight she has messaged me telling me that sadly she has died, she wanted to let me know because I supported her and her family through some of that journey. I did the right thing and replied back telling her how sorry I was for her and her family etc, and left it as that.

Now I know I need to tell the person I’m dating about this, it would feel dishonest not to, but I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

Any advice on how to handle this please?

OP posts:
ToxicBiennial · 30/07/2023 02:08

A lot of drama for this early stage of relationship..

Original poster
Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:11

Not at all… what drama has there been? It all stems from her insecurities based on ex partners. She has also checked up on ex partners on similar issues which I’ve had no problem with, so I feel it’s unfair if she has an issue with a simple condolence message.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:16

You don’t need to tell her anything. It’s entirely your business whether you send a message of condolence to someone you know. I fear though that she is using coercive controlling tactics under some banner of previous hurt. Everyone has suffered some kind of pain in a romantic relationship and it doesn’t entitle you to make demands on your future relationships that centre around who they can and cannot talk to. She sounds like a non starter to me.

Original poster
Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:20

@Divebar2021 I did consider not telling her for an easier life but then if she found out another way, she would say that I hide stuff and lie and she wouldn’t trust me anymore I know that for sure… she says that because previous exes have been friends with their exes and then ended up going back to them that she wouldn’t accept that in a relationship going forward… but then she didn’t tell me for around 4 months that she actually works with her ex and then expected me to be absolutely fine with it and to be honest I was, the issue I had was not telling me in the first place, so I think I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell her about this and just deal with the reaction and consequences

OP posts:
Rafting2022 · 30/07/2023 02:25

I think you need to find someone who’s dealt with their issues. This won’t get better as time goes on.

FetchezLaVache · 30/07/2023 02:32

Her insecurities are her problem. She either trusts you not to shag your ex, or she doesn't. Lots of people cite cheating exes as grounds to control their partners' friendships and it's never OK.

Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:34

Sorry she sounds like a teenager. I would say “ oh I heard from Janice… her sister died. Such a shame…. She was only 38” and I’d she says “ what do you mean you heard from Janice” say “ yeah she messaged me to tell me about her sister” and if you get any shit after that take it as a red flag and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

Womencanlift · 30/07/2023 02:40

I agree with the drama comment above.

A healthy relationship wouldn’t have one person worried about the reaction of their so called partner when they have just had a friend pass away

Worrying about their reaction is not normal. What is normal is saying “oh I heard from friends sister that friend has passed away, that’s such a shame as she was no age at all” and for them to console you about you losing a friend

Kitkatcatflap · 30/07/2023 02:40

Seriously, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Read your own post back. Dating but not officially a couple after 6-7 months? The woman in your past wasn't even an ex as you said you were talking but you both stopped it before it went anywhere. You had a phone message to say that her sister had died ...... and you offered condolences. You had a sad test from a friend. What is there to confess?

I agree with the first poster, a lot of drama for half a year and not yet a couple.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 02:43

You need to give your head a massive wobble. You haven't done anything wrong, you don't have to tell her anything, and you have nothing to justify.

You are making her problems your problems, and unless you relish dealing with someone else's ridiculous insecurities and drama, you will be mature enough to know this "relationship" doesn't have a chance in hell of going the distance.

TwirlBar · 30/07/2023 02:55

Sorry, but this is nuts. You should be able to send a condolence message to someone whose sister has died without fear of repercussions!

Tell her. If she makes a fuss that's a very big red flag in my opinion. You shouldn't have to walk around on eggshells. If you find you can't be yourself with her then the relationship is not a good one. To be perfectly honest I'd run a mile from it if she reacts as you think she will.

ToxicBiennial · 30/07/2023 03:01

Not at all… what drama has there been?

I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

I mean that sounds like a lot of drama/ insecurities/ stuff to deal with considering this is quite an early stage relationship.

BadNomad · 30/07/2023 03:02

She doesn't trust you, though. Not because of you, but because she's insecure. Until she addresses that your relationship is going to be full of paranoia and anxiety. You're literally worrying because you sent a condolence message to someone. That's not normal.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 30/07/2023 03:03

My advice?

Ditch the person you’re dating-but-not-a-couple (wtf?!) with.

It’s not OK for her to behave like this, and it’s irrelevant how her past relationships behaved.

You’re not even a couple! She doesn’t get to dictate to you like this.

And what sort of inhuman person reacts the way you expect to react, and doesn’t just say, ‘that’s awful, are you OK?’

I agree with whoever said upthread to go back and re-read your OP to yourself, and take it in as we all are.

MaidOfSteel · 30/07/2023 03:12

If she's that insecure and jealous, it's unlikely that will change, no matter how much you try to reassure her or pander to her demands. Do you want to live like this going forward? I wouldn't and I think the other posters on this thread wouldn't either.

CynicalCake · 30/07/2023 03:21

Rafting2022 · 30/07/2023 02:25

I think you need to find someone who’s dealt with their issues. This won’t get better as time goes on.

Absolutely this. Her insecurities shouldn't stop you connecting normally with other people. And you aren't even a couple yet. Nah. Fuck that.

Original poster
Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 03:26

Yeah to be honest, I have been having similar thoughts - like I find myself having to double check everything I do incase something upsets her, pisses her off or offends her because she’s so quick to use it as an excuse then to create distance between us, or not to move forward into a relationship or to walk away from me - and I guess I’ve been so desperate for that because she’s the first person in such a long time I’ve had these sort of feelings for but it’s causing me so much anxiety always being worried about a back lash and trying to keep things sweet and happy all the time

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 03:28

Good grief, op. You know what you need to do. Raise your bar, cut this toxic woman loose and move on. There is absolutely no chance that you could ever have a healthy relationship with her. It will never, ever happen.

FlamingoQueen · 30/07/2023 03:44

Your ex has messaged to say her sister has passed away and you are spending your time worrying about your partner (not partner). That is not a healthy relationship. You should be able to say that your ex’s sister has passed away and have a chat about it. Tbh, it was decent of your ex to tell you. I am also sorry for your loss.

MrsTWH · 30/07/2023 03:45

You don’t need to tell her, it was an innocent condolence message to a friend.
you’ve been seeing each other for over 6 months but aren’t a couple?
She sounds like she has serious trust and insecurity issues. You’re walking on eggshells around her. It sounds extremely toxic and controlling. Red flags all over this one I’m afraid, OP.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/07/2023 03:52

You should not be with a person that you’re scared of their reaction. I hope you find the strength to leave, she sounds extremely controlling already.

Ohyousillydivvy · 30/07/2023 04:40

Dump her because she's needy and controlling which makes her a toxic partner. You are supporting a friend in need which any decent person would do. You shouldn't be walking on egg shells about how your potential gf will react. You're not exclusive so dump her and move on to someone who is less of a MH concern.

BrunoMarzipan · 30/07/2023 04:41

That's so much stress and worry after such a short time. You're perfectly reasonable to send a condolence text, but I think you know that. Honestly, can you be bothered? I don't think she's ready to trust or be in a relationship with anyone right now 💐

daisychain01 · 30/07/2023 05:24

This isn't a healthy relationship.

you shouldn't have to dread telling a partner that you've sent someone condolences for their loss.

If you think they're the type of person that would accuse someone of making up a story about losing someone to cancer just to "real you back in" then they're sick in the head, and you really should get the hell away because it's only going to get worse.