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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I need to tell her but I’m scared of her reaction…

93 replies

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:00

I’ve been dating someone since the beginning of the year, we aren’t dating other people but aren’t officially a couple yet either.

I have someone I briefly dated (only talking stages really, never even did anything together sexually etc) who then became a friend in the end but we agreed to drift apart from each other when we started dating other people again out of respect for new partners etc and I also think she still had some feelings for me and found it difficult.

I was upfront about this from day 1 with the person I am now dating, but they are still quite wary about her even though we aren’t in each others lives anymore, because in past relationships exes have always been an issue for her by people going back to their exes or cheating with their exes etc, so I understand where her worry and concern comes from but NO chance of that happening here.

My friends sister had cancer when we was still talking, and tonight she has messaged me telling me that sadly she has died, she wanted to let me know because I supported her and her family through some of that journey. I did the right thing and replied back telling her how sorry I was for her and her family etc, and left it as that.

Now I know I need to tell the person I’m dating about this, it would feel dishonest not to, but I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

Any advice on how to handle this please?

OP posts:

Cosyblankets · 30/07/2023 08:47

Someone has died FFS
that trumps any insecurities
Unless you want to spend your life walking on egg shells you need to move on from her

DontLetMeKeepYou · 30/07/2023 08:47

Listen to yourself, OP. You’ve been seeing this person for six months, you aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, she’s insecure and paranoid, and you’re afraid of her reaction when you tell her a former friend got in touch to say her sister had died???

I think your judgement of what constitutes a normal healthy relationship is seriously skewed, and that not only should you stop dating this person, you should stop dating altogether for a while and work on your boundaries.

Strugglingtodomybest · 30/07/2023 08:51

Classic 'insecure abuser' territory OP. Run.

10HailMarys · 30/07/2023 08:53

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 03:26

Yeah to be honest, I have been having similar thoughts - like I find myself having to double check everything I do incase something upsets her, pisses her off or offends her because she’s so quick to use it as an excuse then to create distance between us, or not to move forward into a relationship or to walk away from me - and I guess I’ve been so desperate for that because she’s the first person in such a long time I’ve had these sort of feelings for but it’s causing me so much anxiety always being worried about a back lash and trying to keep things sweet and happy all the time

Good grief. You’ve only been seeing her a few months, you’re ‘not a couple’ and you’re already anxious and walking on eggshells and worried she’ll lose the plot if she somehow ‘finds out’ you sent a message to someone saying “I’m so sorry that your sister died”?? This is beyond unhealthy. You need to end your relationship with this woman now.

Weflewinstyle · 30/07/2023 08:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

FloNightingale · 30/07/2023 08:54

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 03:26

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship @Biscuitsplease7839

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 08:56

If you are already walking on eggshells six months in this will only get worse.

run

Sparklfairy · 30/07/2023 09:18

Can I ask, who was behind the decision not to call it 'official' even though you're dating exclusively and it's been 6+ months?

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2023 09:21

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:20

@Divebar2021 I did consider not telling her for an easier life but then if she found out another way, she would say that I hide stuff and lie and she wouldn’t trust me anymore I know that for sure… she says that because previous exes have been friends with their exes and then ended up going back to them that she wouldn’t accept that in a relationship going forward… but then she didn’t tell me for around 4 months that she actually works with her ex and then expected me to be absolutely fine with it and to be honest I was, the issue I had was not telling me in the first place, so I think I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell her about this and just deal with the reaction and consequences

As a PP says it’s all very dramatic and sounds a bit controlling.
Her issues aren’t yours to manage.
In your shoes (because I am in a good relationship) I would say “you know so and so, unfortunately her sister died - sad isn’t it?”
But I get the impression you don’t feel able to behave in such a perfectly normal way due to your fear of “reaction and consequences”

TakenRoot · 30/07/2023 09:37

It is good that you are sensitive to her insecurities / sensitivities , but you shouldn’t need to be walking on eggshells like this.

You are being a decent, kind human being to respond sympathetically to your friend.

There’s respect for her boundaries / insecurities… and there is you being controlled by her inability to cope with you having friendships.

How much can you live with?

Justcallmebebes · 30/07/2023 09:50

Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:34

Sorry she sounds like a teenager. I would say “ oh I heard from Janice… her sister died. Such a shame…. She was only 38” and I’d she says “ what do you mean you heard from Janice” say “ yeah she messaged me to tell me about her sister” and if you get any shit after that take it as a red flag and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

This. Your girlfriend's attitude is not healthy. I'd swerve anyone who policed my friendships

Evaka · 30/07/2023 09:52

You need to break up. Drama bonanza.

AquamarineGlass · 30/07/2023 09:54

Anyone who would object to your behaviour in this instance has a MASSIVE problem.

You shouldn't have to justify yourself and she has no right to punish or control you because of her past.

Tatzelwyrm · 30/07/2023 09:55

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:11

Not at all… what drama has there been? It all stems from her insecurities based on ex partners. She has also checked up on ex partners on similar issues which I’ve had no problem with, so I feel it’s unfair if she has an issue with a simple condolence message.

but I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

what is this if not drama

Move on, do you want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life??

Newusernametostayanon · 30/07/2023 09:57

If you think your partner is otherwise nice and this genuinely comes from being burned before and not from being controlling, I would tell her about your ex’s sister and also have a conversation with her which says I know you have been hurt before by someone going back to an ex, but that’s got nothing to do with me and it’s not reasonable for you to demand that I am not in touch with exes, you work with your ex after all. I think you’re great and believe we have a future together but I want us to work together on your trust issues as I can’t accept this level of paranoia and control. Good luck!

TiaraBoo · 30/07/2023 10:31

It does sound overly dramatic - you’re dating but not a ‘couple’ and your ‘ex’ you only spoke to.
Seriously, if you want to send a condolence
message, do it. If you want to tell your date, you’ve done this, use the message someone posted near the beginning of the thread saying how sad it was.
If she kicks off, I’d ask why - you’re not a couple, you’re just being a friend and also why is she still working with her ex if this is how strongly she feels about ex’s?

VeridicalVagabond · 30/07/2023 10:40

Respectfully OP, this relationship is doomed. You're only 6-7 months in and already there's drama, resentment and mistrust. It should still all be sunshine lollipops and rainbows at this stage. It sounds like a highschool romance not a grown up relationship.

Relationships are not supposed to be like this. It isn't healthy, it isn't normal, and you don't have to put up with it just because she's insecure and unable to cope with that. You'll never be able to have a healthy adult relationship with someone so insecure and immature they'd fly off the handle over a condolence message.

Do better for yourself OP.

InSpainTheRain · 30/07/2023 11:09

If you are dating someone who you can't have a simple convo with along the lines of "[name] sister passed away from cancer, she got in touch to tell me" then I'm sorry that would not be a relationship I would want.

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