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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I need to tell her but I’m scared of her reaction…

93 replies

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:00

I’ve been dating someone since the beginning of the year, we aren’t dating other people but aren’t officially a couple yet either.

I have someone I briefly dated (only talking stages really, never even did anything together sexually etc) who then became a friend in the end but we agreed to drift apart from each other when we started dating other people again out of respect for new partners etc and I also think she still had some feelings for me and found it difficult.

I was upfront about this from day 1 with the person I am now dating, but they are still quite wary about her even though we aren’t in each others lives anymore, because in past relationships exes have always been an issue for her by people going back to their exes or cheating with their exes etc, so I understand where her worry and concern comes from but NO chance of that happening here.

My friends sister had cancer when we was still talking, and tonight she has messaged me telling me that sadly she has died, she wanted to let me know because I supported her and her family through some of that journey. I did the right thing and replied back telling her how sorry I was for her and her family etc, and left it as that.

Now I know I need to tell the person I’m dating about this, it would feel dishonest not to, but I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

Any advice on how to handle this please?

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 30/07/2023 06:03

Thus is an awful controlling relationship. Leave.

IveHadItUpToHere · 30/07/2023 06:13

It's not about her 'insecurities'. It's about her having a boundary around contact with exes because of past trauma and you not respecting it whilst pretending you do. Your lack of respect is obvious in the way you label it 'insecurities'.

You seem to like drama. The relationship isn't going to work. End it now.

Fwiw someone who respected their partner would have told them about the message from the ex before replying. But here you are - you replied to the ex and posted a thread on MN before contacting your partner.

Weflewinstyle · 30/07/2023 06:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

UnfunnyJester · 30/07/2023 06:27

Is she projecting? Maybe she has personal issues regarding going back to exes.

CherryMaDeara · 30/07/2023 06:27

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:20

@Divebar2021 I did consider not telling her for an easier life but then if she found out another way, she would say that I hide stuff and lie and she wouldn’t trust me anymore I know that for sure… she says that because previous exes have been friends with their exes and then ended up going back to them that she wouldn’t accept that in a relationship going forward… but then she didn’t tell me for around 4 months that she actually works with her ex and then expected me to be absolutely fine with it and to be honest I was, the issue I had was not telling me in the first place, so I think I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell her about this and just deal with the reaction and consequences

Urgh, she’s a controlling hypocrite, run!

She has got you in a such a state that you’re telling her about previous people you have dated even though you have drifted apart as acquaintances and has you stressing about her ‘worry and concern’ and yet she is working with an ex and expects you to treat that differently because it’s her.

It’s likely her exs didn’t go back to their ex, and that they ran because she was a controlling abuser.

Get out now before you become enmeshed.

Mamai90 · 30/07/2023 06:39

I agree with the PPs OP..

This is not healthy and a massive red flag if your 'girlfriend' instead of being compassionate about your friend losing her sister decides its because she wants to 'reel you back in' that she's told you about her sisters death, that's fucking callous.

Take it from someone who has been in a relationship like this, it won't get better, it will only get worse and you will be tiptoeing around praying something you've done won't send her flying off the handle. It took me years to recover from that relationship, my mental health was in tatters.

It's a BS excuse to say she's been hurt in the past, everyone has been hurt in the past but we don't use it as a way to control our partners. It's already affected you mentally, get rid before it only gets worse, this 'relationship' is going nowhere.

Mamai90 · 30/07/2023 06:41

And I agree with the PP that she is an abuser, let that sink in.

yogasaurus · 30/07/2023 06:45

You shouldn’t feed insecure, anxious people by constantly reassuring them.

You are allowed to talk to other people.

They need to trust you, or you move on. You don’t need to ‘prove’ you can be trusted, and their past experience is no justification for any of this kind of behaviour.

Jazzybean · 30/07/2023 06:51

Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:34

Sorry she sounds like a teenager. I would say “ oh I heard from Janice… her sister died. Such a shame…. She was only 38” and I’d she says “ what do you mean you heard from Janice” say “ yeah she messaged me to tell me about her sister” and if you get any shit after that take it as a red flag and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

This. I can’t imagine getting a message from someone you barely dated (by the sounds of it), who you consider to be a friend, could be at all problematic.

MonsterCalling · 30/07/2023 06:54

This is very unhealthy, OP. Relationships should be easy in the early days.

I must be very old because I genuinely do not understand what it means to have been exclusively dating someone for eight months but not be a couple. If it looks like a duck, etc.

WasJuliaRight · 30/07/2023 06:55

If this scenario was being relayed to you by a friend or colleague what would you think?
Unless you tell them how would they find out that you sent a text message to anyone?

SoShallINever · 30/07/2023 06:56

It's all there in your title "scared of her reaction"

Red flag, Fuck that. Get rid of the controlling arsehole.

Luucylu · 30/07/2023 06:58

Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:34

Sorry she sounds like a teenager. I would say “ oh I heard from Janice… her sister died. Such a shame…. She was only 38” and I’d she says “ what do you mean you heard from Janice” say “ yeah she messaged me to tell me about her sister” and if you get any shit after that take it as a red flag and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

This ^

Nagado · 30/07/2023 06:58

This is abusive and the poster above who put the link to the coercive control is entirely correct.

Sazza26xx · 30/07/2023 06:58

SoShallINever · 30/07/2023 06:56

It's all there in your title "scared of her reaction"

Red flag, Fuck that. Get rid of the controlling arsehole.

This!! You've done nothing wrong she sounds crazy

Zanatdy · 30/07/2023 07:01

If she’s going to kick off because someone who isn’t even a proper ex messages you to let you know her sister died, then that’s absolutely ridiculous and you need to end this. Imagine how bad it would be, 5-10yrs down the line. You really don’t need this OP. It’s no way to live

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 30/07/2023 07:08

I would tell her, because I would not want to live hiding things and feeling fearful or anxious over somebody's reactions.

WasJuliaRight · 30/07/2023 07:08

IveHadItUpToHere · 30/07/2023 06:13

It's not about her 'insecurities'. It's about her having a boundary around contact with exes because of past trauma and you not respecting it whilst pretending you do. Your lack of respect is obvious in the way you label it 'insecurities'.

You seem to like drama. The relationship isn't going to work. End it now.

Fwiw someone who respected their partner would have told them about the message from the ex before replying. But here you are - you replied to the ex and posted a thread on MN before contacting your partner.

Fwiw someone who respected their partner would have told them about the message from the ex before replying. But here you are - you replied to the ex and posted a thread on MN before contacting your partner.

Eh? I would understand if the message was inappropriate but it’s completely innocent. Whether they choose to tell their partner or not, before or after, is their choice and nothing to do with respecting them.

FOJN · 30/07/2023 07:15

Why did you feel the need to be upfront about a previous attempt to start a relationship? It went no where, it's a non event but now it's seems to be a big issue. Why do you need to tell the person you are currently dating about a message you received?

Your oversharing about irrelevant things makes them seem more important than they are and the new person you are dating seems to over react. None of this is healthy, it looks like two people trying to create their own soap opera.

LilyPark · 30/07/2023 07:23

Your girlfriend sounds like an utter lunatic. Or extremely young.

WaltzingWaters · 30/07/2023 07:34

CrazyArmadilloLady · 30/07/2023 03:03

My advice?

Ditch the person you’re dating-but-not-a-couple (wtf?!) with.

It’s not OK for her to behave like this, and it’s irrelevant how her past relationships behaved.

You’re not even a couple! She doesn’t get to dictate to you like this.

And what sort of inhuman person reacts the way you expect to react, and doesn’t just say, ‘that’s awful, are you OK?’

I agree with whoever said upthread to go back and re-read your OP to yourself, and take it in as we all are.

all of this.

ThreeRingCircus · 30/07/2023 07:37

It's not about her 'insecurities'. It's about her having a boundary around contact with exes because of past trauma and you not respecting it whilst pretending you do. Your lack of respect is obvious in the way you label it 'insecurities'.

She is insecure though, isn't she? You don't get to control who other people can or cannot speak to because your partners have gone back to their exes and label it "boundaries." She is coercive and controlling and it fundamentally stems from her being insecure.

OP. This isn't normal. You shouldn't be worrying about sending someone a message of condolence and wondering what your partner's reaction will be. This is a ridiculous level of hassle and drama for someone that's been dating you exclusively for months but doesn't want to be in an official relationship with you. Honestly I'd see this for the red flag it is and end it.

SouthernLassies · 30/07/2023 07:39

Your relationship with your current girlfriend sounds toxic.
No woman should make you feel that you have to 'declare' everything about yourself when you are not even a 'couple' yet.

If you continue with your girlfriend who seems insecure and prone to jealousy, it isn't going to make you happy.

I think you should stop seeing her and find someone without baggage and issues.

Figgygal · 30/07/2023 07:39

Your not girlfriend sounds paranoid and controlling - not a healthy relationship so early in.
The fact you're second guessing yourself like this isn't good and you know it

MillWood85 · 30/07/2023 07:40

You can never be someone's past, you can only be their future. So when someone is stroppy or sensitive about your past, it's a major red flag.

For someone you're not officially a couple with, this sounds like a huge amount of drama. Life's too short, honestly.