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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I need to tell her but I’m scared of her reaction…

93 replies

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:00

I’ve been dating someone since the beginning of the year, we aren’t dating other people but aren’t officially a couple yet either.

I have someone I briefly dated (only talking stages really, never even did anything together sexually etc) who then became a friend in the end but we agreed to drift apart from each other when we started dating other people again out of respect for new partners etc and I also think she still had some feelings for me and found it difficult.

I was upfront about this from day 1 with the person I am now dating, but they are still quite wary about her even though we aren’t in each others lives anymore, because in past relationships exes have always been an issue for her by people going back to their exes or cheating with their exes etc, so I understand where her worry and concern comes from but NO chance of that happening here.

My friends sister had cancer when we was still talking, and tonight she has messaged me telling me that sadly she has died, she wanted to let me know because I supported her and her family through some of that journey. I did the right thing and replied back telling her how sorry I was for her and her family etc, and left it as that.

Now I know I need to tell the person I’m dating about this, it would feel dishonest not to, but I know her reaction is going to be a bad one based on previous conversations when my friend has been mentioned, like she’s tried to end things over it before because she’s really insecure about her regardless of how much I try and reassure her, and I know that she’ll say she’s only told me to ‘reel me back in’ or something like that.

Any advice on how to handle this please?

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 30/07/2023 07:40

You both sound very melodramatic frankly. Are you both very young? Why are you worrying about texting a distant friend who you’ve wrongly built up into something else? And why is your GF creating drama about everything? A relationship should be one of mutual trust. Your GF about you going back to an ex is nonsensical. If someone was going to be unfaithful they could go off with anyone. Did you tell her about the checkout girl you spoke to? The colleague? It’s all so tedious and silly.

When a friend suffers a bereavement, it’s normal to send condolences. Forget it and stop agonising over everything. If what you’ve said about your GF is correct, she’ll be dumping you soon anyway as she’ll find something ‘wrong’ that you did because she’s madly insecure. Honestly, I’d dump her first because she sounds a pain and you sound desperate to put up with her.

supersop60 · 30/07/2023 07:41

In the early days of a relationship you should be walking on air, not eggshells.
Time to move on.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/07/2023 07:42

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 02:43

You need to give your head a massive wobble. You haven't done anything wrong, you don't have to tell her anything, and you have nothing to justify.

You are making her problems your problems, and unless you relish dealing with someone else's ridiculous insecurities and drama, you will be mature enough to know this "relationship" doesn't have a chance in hell of going the distance.

Absolutely this!

Marmalady75 · 30/07/2023 07:46

OP please read over the replies carefully, they overwhelmingly say that this woman is nuts/abusive/insecure. She isn’t even your girlfriend yet - why not? Is she keeping you dangling and you have to keep “proving” your worth?
I know you disagree with the original comment about this being a lot of drama, but from the outside it certainly seems that way.
Is all this stress really worth it over one text? There is no commitment from her side, she isn’t even your girlfriend or partner.

Sparklfairy · 30/07/2023 07:47

There's a fine line between being open and honest, and the person you're being open and honest to having such baggage and paranoia that it's detrimental to you and your relationship.

It sounds like she goes around just looking for stuff to jump on, waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.

I'm a firm believer that people have no need to lie in most areas of their lives; the only reason they lie is to cover their ass because they know they did something wrong. The only exception is if the person they're lying to is so insecure, the fallout is not worth the hassle of saying, 'Yeah I did this, and I stand by my decision to do it.'

And in that situation, I couldn't be in a relationship where I feel pressured to lie than do the decent thing, because of the other person's behaviour/paranoia. It's unfair for anyone to use the excuse of baggage and past experience and you alter your behaviour in order to accommodate their anxiety.

Personally I don't think she's ready for a relationship. It really sounds like she's just waiting and looking for proof you've fucked up, so either way, you lose.

CherryMaDeara · 30/07/2023 07:48

IveHadItUpToHere · 30/07/2023 06:13

It's not about her 'insecurities'. It's about her having a boundary around contact with exes because of past trauma and you not respecting it whilst pretending you do. Your lack of respect is obvious in the way you label it 'insecurities'.

You seem to like drama. The relationship isn't going to work. End it now.

Fwiw someone who respected their partner would have told them about the message from the ex before replying. But here you are - you replied to the ex and posted a thread on MN before contacting your partner.

Love that you’ve conveniently ignored her DP works with her ex. One rule for her, one rule for Op.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 30/07/2023 07:49

I would show her both messages, the one from your old friend and your reply so you are being totally open. If she then starts to make it all about her and her past rather than express sympathy for the bereaved friend then I think I would be considering if I want to continue with a relationship like this.

thinkkook · 30/07/2023 07:50

Your current partner sounds like a nightmare. Why are you pandering to it? You should be allowed to send someone condolences FFS.

ThroughGraceAlone · 30/07/2023 07:51

Too much hormones aka drama in this relationship.

SouthernLassies · 30/07/2023 07:56

@IveHadItUpToHere If you read the first post, poster didn't have a relationship with the person you refer to as their 'ex'.

They dated them briefly, with no sexual contact.

Do you honestly believe that when people are in a new relationship they have to 'admit' to anything connected with their previous dates?

Especially when the 'ex' amounted to nothing more than a handful of dates without any sex?

Weflewinstyle · 30/07/2023 07:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

SouthernLassies · 30/07/2023 07:59

I have someone I briefly dated (only talking stages really, never even did anything together sexually etc) who then became a friend in the end

For you ^^ @IveHadItUpToHere

And for you too @Biscuitsplease7839 people are allowed to have contact with people they have dated before, unless one of them is clearly still wanting more and making themselves a PITA with too much clingy contact.

Staying in touch with a platonic friend, is not being unfaithful to anyone.

IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2023 08:06

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:11

Not at all… what drama has there been? It all stems from her insecurities based on ex partners. She has also checked up on ex partners on similar issues which I’ve had no problem with, so I feel it’s unfair if she has an issue with a simple condolence message.

That is drama. Can't you see that?

whydoidothistomyself · 30/07/2023 08:06

if your partner has that level of insecurity about you even having an ex, it’s a red flag.
if you think your partner would have an issue with you sending this type of text, it’s a red flag.

Anniessong · 30/07/2023 08:07

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 03:26

Yeah to be honest, I have been having similar thoughts - like I find myself having to double check everything I do incase something upsets her, pisses her off or offends her because she’s so quick to use it as an excuse then to create distance between us, or not to move forward into a relationship or to walk away from me - and I guess I’ve been so desperate for that because she’s the first person in such a long time I’ve had these sort of feelings for but it’s causing me so much anxiety always being worried about a back lash and trying to keep things sweet and happy all the time

I’m sorry to tell you but this is coercive control and you are in an abusive relationship. I can promise you that ending this relationship will be the best thing that you can do and that a happy future with a loving partner will become possible when you are free for that. Wish you the very best

AngelinaFibres · 30/07/2023 08:09

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2023 03:28

Good grief, op. You know what you need to do. Raise your bar, cut this toxic woman loose and move on. There is absolutely no chance that you could ever have a healthy relationship with her. It will never, ever happen.

This with huge bells on . Just walk away ffs. Relationships are supposed to be loving and fun and uplifting. Especially a few months in. For goodness sake move on.

Idtotallybangdreamoftheendlessnotgonnalie · 30/07/2023 08:10

That's really toxic and controlling. The briefly -dated friend sounds like a more important person in your life than Johnny-come-lately.

You shouldn't be dreading this conversation, it shouldn't be more than a passing "oh, I heard from Briefly-Dated, her sister died, I'm so sad for her". Any reaction other than compassion or sympathy for you or them is not normal.

Blogdog · 30/07/2023 08:12

I think there’s possibly two scenarios here (and both may well be true):

  1. Your ‘girlfriend’ is insecure and controlling, as others have said
  2. You also like a bit of drama and that you can invoke strong feelings in people by your actions. Not a girlfriend after eight months? Why not? If she’s as insecure as you say keeping her dangling is hardly helping is it? Wanting to tell her about a perfectly innocuous text because you know what her reaction will be? Is this honesty or being a bit manipulative?
Either way this relationship isn’t going anywhere so you should probably take stock and move on.
Ariela · 30/07/2023 08:15

You simply say 'Janice has text to say her sister has died, how sad. Shall we send a card or shall I go to the funeral?'
If you cannot manage that/she cannot manage that then your question is not 'how shall I tell her about the sister?', but 'how shall I ditch her as 'not a couple' anyway?'.

Agapornis · 30/07/2023 08:16

Red flags ⛳:

  • Commitment issues
  • Jealous without foundation
  • Insists you cut contact with your friend
  • Hypocritical
  • Doesn't take responsibility for her feelings
  • Punishes you with the silent treatment (create distance/walk away) and refusal to commit

You deserve better. Get some therapy. Just because she's the first person in a long time doesn't mean she's actually a good option for you. She probably saw you coming and picked you because you're vulnerable. She will find fault with your other friends & family, until you've cut them all off 'for an easy life', and have no support network left.

MeinKraft · 30/07/2023 08:16

Your whole relationship sounds weird tbh. Just end it and start a new one where one half isn't madly jealous and you're actually a proper couple.

Heronwatcher · 30/07/2023 08:31

You’ve done nothing wrong, I thought you were going to say you’d had a one night stand. I communicate with exes and male friends all the time, I wouldn’t tell my partner unless there was something interesting we discussed, equally if he knew we’d messaged I don’t think he’d bat an eyelid.

Better to be completely open about this and set clear boundaries at an early stage, that you love her but you may well be in touch with various people in a friend capacity and you don’t expect to be punished as a result. If she can’t deal with it then I think you might need to walk away, for your own sake.

Scrotox · 30/07/2023 08:32

Agree with all of those who say this is too much drama.

SheRaaaaa · 30/07/2023 08:40

Biscuitsplease7839 · 30/07/2023 02:20

@Divebar2021 I did consider not telling her for an easier life but then if she found out another way, she would say that I hide stuff and lie and she wouldn’t trust me anymore I know that for sure… she says that because previous exes have been friends with their exes and then ended up going back to them that she wouldn’t accept that in a relationship going forward… but then she didn’t tell me for around 4 months that she actually works with her ex and then expected me to be absolutely fine with it and to be honest I was, the issue I had was not telling me in the first place, so I think I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t tell her about this and just deal with the reaction and consequences

Leave her. Do you really want this bollocks in your life? She's a controlling hypocrite, for starters.

DanceWithTheBigBoysAgain · 30/07/2023 08:46

Divebar2021 · 30/07/2023 02:34

Sorry she sounds like a teenager. I would say “ oh I heard from Janice… her sister died. Such a shame…. She was only 38” and I’d she says “ what do you mean you heard from Janice” say “ yeah she messaged me to tell me about her sister” and if you get any shit after that take it as a red flag and deal with it accordingly. Good luck.

This. Say that ex's sister died and isn't it sad. If she kicks off then run for the hills.