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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think £1000 is too much to 'contribute' towards a party?

98 replies

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 20:29

Yet another SIL thread.

PIL are having their 40th wedding anniversery this summer. SIL phoned DH (she never bothers with us - relations are civil but strained) and said she was thinking of organising a surprise party for them, and would we like to be involved? DH was touched, and said yes, we would love to.

Got voicemail from SIL last weekend stating that she had looked into it, and it will be £2,000 for the party, and, as the other sibling has no money (despite being a solicitor!), we will have to pay half of the cost. She has decided on the guest list, (24 family & 32 of PIL friends) venue and menus without consulting us.

We offered to host the party at our house instead, and have a garden party. This thread refers

DH phoned SIL tonight to offer this. However, she has said it must be a sit-down meal, and sniffily said 'If it's a matter of money, I'll foot the bill myself'. She would not budge in terms of venue or numbers (we think PIL would prefer a family do). DH suggested we all meet to discuss, but she was dismissive of this idea, saying 'there's no need'.

It is partly a matter of money. We do have the money in savings, but when I think of what £1,000 buys, I think of a family holiday for a week in a cottage, not a party which my SIL has dictated all the terms for. I also object to being asked to contribute £1,000 when poor XXXXXX doesn't have to pay, because she has no money.

I am tempted to take SIL up on the offer of footing the bill, but DH thinks she will try to exploit it to make us look bad, and herself look good.

PIL are lovely people, who have worked hard all their lives and saved hard. They would be horrified at this extravagance.

Suggestions and discussion please.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 26/02/2008 20:32

YANBU

she is trying to steam roller you into something

sounds like your PILS would be upset at the thought of you spending £1000 on their party

IMHO a garden party sounds fab - why does it HAVE to be a sit down meal. maybe your SIL would want that, but the party is not about her

I woudl remind her what the day is about and who it is for

if she ends up paying for everything, she sounds like the sort of person who would never let you forget it

mumeeee · 26/02/2008 20:33

Why does the party have to cost so much? You can do a surprise party for much less then £2000.

scattyspice · 26/02/2008 20:34

£1,000 is a huge amount of money. I would be horrified if anyone spent so much on a party for me.

Tell her to get stuffed!

SenoraPostrophe · 26/02/2008 20:34

blimey, that's a lot of money for a party.

if you weren't so reasonable though you could accidentally let your pils in on her plans and let them stop it. have you spoken to the solicitor sibling about it?

Hulababy · 26/02/2008 20:35

YANBU. £1000 is an awful lot of money to be spending on a party, esp as PILs sound like they'd prefer something smaller.

yurt1 · 26/02/2008 20:35

YANBU - We had a similar thing once (except we couldn't afford the amount we were being asked to pay even if we'd wanted to - IL's as well). We just said we couldn't do it.

£1000 is a lot of money.

morningpaper · 26/02/2008 20:36

YANBU

Sounds like she WANTS to foot the bill so she can show off about it?

expatinscotland · 26/02/2008 20:36

YANBU.

That's a lot for a party if you can ill-afford it.

ara · 26/02/2008 20:37

no, this woman sounds bossy and unpleasant - and by the sound of things this is more of an exercise in self gratification than a genuine effort to do something nice for her parents. don't be pushed around by her - £1000 is a lot of money, particularly when you aren't being consulted with regard to how it is spent! the idea of a garden party is a far more personal and genuine gesture, imo.

HonorMatopoeia · 26/02/2008 20:38

Heavens above! Your PIL sound like they're the kind of people who appreciate the true cost of things and would therefore be gutted if they thought anyone had spent that type of money on them. Can DH point this out to SIL or will it go in one ear and out the other?

chubbymummy · 26/02/2008 20:39

They want you to pay how much????????????? Surely you added an extra zero on the end of that by mistake!!!!!!!

iamdingdong · 26/02/2008 20:40

Its far too much to contribute towards a party that you have had no part in organising. As others have said, it doesn't soudn like something your PILs would want and you SIL sounds like a right PITA frankly!

southeastastra · 26/02/2008 20:40

omg i was thinking of arranging a wedding, £1000 was about my limit for that!

hifi · 26/02/2008 20:40

how lovely, all her own way but you have to pay half. yanbu.

squimlet · 26/02/2008 20:41

that is far too much. yanbu.
its a celebration of their life togeather not a demostration of wealth and possibly bad taste

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 26/02/2008 20:41

I think the idea to speak to the ils is the best one. Your SIL sounds like a controlling person. Surely your DH should be sorting it since it is his parents, not hers.

No1ErmaBombeckfan · 26/02/2008 20:42

Sounds like a SIL from hell.

Perhaps the thing to do is to just offer an amount you think is reasonable and explain that it is what you have budgeted for the event and shortfall will have to be made up from other or herself..

Don't be steamrollered into paying above the odds for something you didn't saction...

LaDiDaDi · 26/02/2008 20:45

YANBU!!

£500 in total would be reasonable!

I think that I would let sil pay for it and buy them a lovely present instead.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 26/02/2008 20:46

I think £2000 is about right for a party that size. But is she expects you to pay half without being consulted AT ALL she's totally wrong (unless you'd said "Don't bother me with trivialities like money"). And...solicitor short of money? Boo hoo, poor him.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 26/02/2008 20:48

Forgot to say, go for it if SIL offers to pay the whole lot. Tell her it's v kind of her.

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 20:52

Oh thank goodness - objective viewpoints that don't make me think I am selfish or mad. Really, you begin to doubt yourself.

OP posts:

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:01

Hey!

I am in NI too, I think that's where you are from?

Where the hell has she booked that will cost £2000? The Europa???

For that money you'd want Paul Rankin himself to do the cooking!!

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 21:02

Malone House. I hope you don't know her!

OP posts:

Kbear · 26/02/2008 21:05

Holy shit, my wedding only cost £2,000 and there were 150 people there! Ok ok it was 15 years ago!

She is being entirely and utterly unreasonable.

flowerybeanbag · 26/02/2008 21:06

I don't actually think £2000 is hugely expensive for a sit down meal do for 56 people, if you work that out per head, presumably it also includes venue hire, music etc.

But she is still being v unreasonable, your idea is better and sounds more like what PIL would like as well.

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