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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think £1000 is too much to 'contribute' towards a party?

98 replies

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 20:29

Yet another SIL thread.

PIL are having their 40th wedding anniversery this summer. SIL phoned DH (she never bothers with us - relations are civil but strained) and said she was thinking of organising a surprise party for them, and would we like to be involved? DH was touched, and said yes, we would love to.

Got voicemail from SIL last weekend stating that she had looked into it, and it will be £2,000 for the party, and, as the other sibling has no money (despite being a solicitor!), we will have to pay half of the cost. She has decided on the guest list, (24 family & 32 of PIL friends) venue and menus without consulting us.

We offered to host the party at our house instead, and have a garden party. This thread refers

DH phoned SIL tonight to offer this. However, she has said it must be a sit-down meal, and sniffily said 'If it's a matter of money, I'll foot the bill myself'. She would not budge in terms of venue or numbers (we think PIL would prefer a family do). DH suggested we all meet to discuss, but she was dismissive of this idea, saying 'there's no need'.

It is partly a matter of money. We do have the money in savings, but when I think of what £1,000 buys, I think of a family holiday for a week in a cottage, not a party which my SIL has dictated all the terms for. I also object to being asked to contribute £1,000 when poor XXXXXX doesn't have to pay, because she has no money.

I am tempted to take SIL up on the offer of footing the bill, but DH thinks she will try to exploit it to make us look bad, and herself look good.

PIL are lovely people, who have worked hard all their lives and saved hard. They would be horrified at this extravagance.

Suggestions and discussion please.

OP posts:

CristinaTheAstonishing · 26/02/2008 21:07

We looked into doing a party for our 3 DCs, a bit like a christening party but without the christening (as we're atheists) and what with venue hire (a church hall, oh irony) and a buffet from an average-priced caterers it comes to about £2000. We haven't actually gone further than discussing it, though. Too expensive, letting it sink in a bit, then we'll go for it.

ravenAK · 26/02/2008 21:10

I'd discuss it with the other sibling (better get dh to do so). Then - assuming he/she agrees with you & dh - arrange a meeting with SIL & well, not exactly gang up on her, but maybe outvote her...

yurt1 · 26/02/2008 21:14

I agree that the amount is about right for what it is, but I think something cheaper would perhaps be better.

roisin · 26/02/2008 21:15

Your SIL is being utterly unreasonable.

Has anyone consulted your parents as to their wishes? Personally my parents would shudder at this sort of money being spent on a party for them, and would much prefer a relaxed informal barbecue in someone's garden.

But one an uncle/aunt of dh had this sort of do for their 40th (paid themselves as they have no children), and it was obviously their choice.

MadamePlatypus · 26/02/2008 21:18

Just looked up place - will you be having the Demi Tasse of Roast Tomato and Basil or the Demi Tasse of Lobster Bisque?

YANBU.

I think you should let her organise and pay for it but pick one small element like the cake and upstage her shamelessly.

phoebe and the cups

nkf · 26/02/2008 21:21

Why not let her go ahead and organise and pay for this meal and then arrange a smaller, less informal something for just family that you pay for. Sell it to her as having two events.

hunkermunker · 26/02/2008 21:23

Just say, "That's so kind of you. PILs will be delighted when they hear how generous you are. I'm sure they'll love all your ideas and smother you with affection for being such a wonderful daughter."

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:25

Oh, no, I don't know anyone mad enough to try & make someone pay £1000 for something without any input!!!

Why did she choose there? Have PIL been before & loved it? Have they expressed wishes to go there sometime?

ajandjjmum · 26/02/2008 21:29

If she wants total control, she should pay for it.

Why don't you treat your PIL to a nice weekend away somewhere as your gift - for them to recover from the surprise party!

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 21:30

My DH has 2 sisters, and whilst they are best buddies with each other, neither of them have much time for DH or me. SIL is saying this is what we have decided.

DH has just phoned and left message saying we need to discuss this.

Although the idea of a surprise is lovely, I know if we asked PIL what they wanted, they would prefer the garden party. I think we will say that if there is no compromise, then we should consult PIL as to their wishes.

What gets me, is that although my DH & his 2 sisters are all professionals, earning similar incomes, both his sisters splash the cash and then beg childcare / money etc from PIL saying they are broke. To me, this is an opportunity for his sisters to look good in front of the wider family & friends. We don't feel the need to do this.

OP posts:

cocolepew · 26/02/2008 21:32

YANBU, £2000 would buy them a lovely holiday and a quieter garden party,which it sounds like they would prefer. I live in Co. Down I'll have it at my place for £100! McDonalds all round.

WallOfSilence · 26/02/2008 21:34

Can't you have a buffet instead of a sit down meal? That way PIL can wander around & chat to all their guests rather than be hemmed in at the table between just a few people.

If I were you I would price around & then offer SIL alternatives to malone house!

tyaca · 26/02/2008 22:03

ach, poor you. this is rubbish. £2000 is not too much money if you and SIL had put together the arrangements together. It is however way too much money to be told out of the blue. surely the pil would not want the whole thing to cause conflict between the siblings? mine would be touched that we'd all worked together more than anything else.

i think, yeh, let her pay .... sod it

Alambil · 27/02/2008 00:18

OMG! My mum's just booked a hotel to do her 50th birthday bash and there's going to be about 70 people there. I think the cost is about £700 for the room, food, disco etc !

YANBU!

SparklyGothKat · 27/02/2008 00:25

we are arranging a surprise party for my parents, between the 4 of us it worked out about £150 each. why is it so much??

Judgypants · 27/02/2008 01:53

Please tell her to get stuffed, she will not earn any brownie points by being so up herself.

Please say NO!

nkf · 27/02/2008 19:05

The price of the party isn't really the point though. It's that they are being asked to contribute but are allowed no say in what happens. And that's not really on.

Kimi · 27/02/2008 19:11

Blue YANBU DH1s family are all a bit scummy (for want of a better word) for his mothers 60th his sister and half sister arranged a surprise party and his sister (who is a sad woman who has no joy in life apart from being a bitch) even arranged the gift all without consulting DH (this is the same woman who ordered DH1s flowers for FIL funeral without asking what he would like) she then rang up and demanded the best part of £1000.

She got told to sod off, we brought our own gift for MIL and my 4 year old "let slip" to granny about the party anyway

mylovelymonster · 27/02/2008 19:15

She can't possibly expect you to hand over £1k without having any other input into the party. She is being completely unreasonable and very presumptious.
Let het pay for it, and you can spend your money how you wish - on getting PIL a lovely gift/surprise weekend away or something.

mylovelymonster · 27/02/2008 19:22

..and I think an informal family garden party sounds lovely.

luminarphrases · 27/02/2008 19:25

i like mylovelymonster's idea, get them a nice weekend away, which you could do for a lot less than £1000

rookiemater · 27/02/2008 19:48

The other thing is that £2000 in total isn't really that much for a full on sit down big dinner. Bet you anything that you will then be asked for further donations for flowers, entertainment etc. etc.

I attended an 80th birthday party in N. Ireland at a lovely place. It was a hotel on the coast not far from Larne. The meal was a buffet and everyone paid for themselves and were glad to do so, but it was nice having everyone around.

If its for their 40th wedding anniversary then presumably most people attending would have enough money to pay for their own dinner, except of course if they were dining on timbales of caviar followed by a dozen oysters, could this be a suggestion.

Actually I know the answer already from what you have said about SIL, unless she has come up with the idea then she won't be interested.

Agree with everyone else, don't hand over a penny and organise your own present.

catsmother · 27/02/2008 19:55

It's even worse, IMO, that the other sister - the other part of "we" - who has "decided" what's happening - is apparently pleading poverty (despite working in a profession which is paid much above average) and isn't expected to contribute at all.

Seems that you & DH are only seen as being of any use financially, and don't, of course, have any feelings.

Even if money were no object I would object to being told how to spend my money - and particularly, on a special occasion for my parents in which I'd had no input. She is being incredibly rude and overbearing and I would be very tempted to "discuss" the "idea" of a celebration with the PILs, thereby (hopefully) gaining pre-emptive ammunition against her plan of a stuffy, formal meal (the PILs wouldn't have to know about all of this) and then you can tell her how they'd much prefer an informal garden party.

mylovelymonster · 27/02/2008 20:00

Agree wholeheartedly with catsmother. Money is not really the issue here.

VanillaPumpkin · 27/02/2008 20:08

Holy cow £1000!!
We had a great garden party at my Dads with a Hog roast and salads from Waitrose. My dh did the bar for the start and then people helped themselves. It was informal and lovely and the food was great. We could all mill about talking to everyone, not stuck at tables waving hello like at something as formal as this seems.
YANBU.
The christening we had for the girls with about 40 people cost a fraction of that amount although we did do our own (posh and lovely) buffet food so less formal. IMO the less formal dos are alot more friendly and lovely. Let her get on with it and pay for it. Or suggest you contribute the amount you could have afforded towards the garden party idea. Do NOT go into your savings for it imo. Your PIL will be mortified (at least mine all would be).
If you reckon your PIL won't even like it that much let her go for it and take the credit....

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