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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think £1000 is too much to 'contribute' towards a party?

98 replies

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 20:29

Yet another SIL thread.

PIL are having their 40th wedding anniversery this summer. SIL phoned DH (she never bothers with us - relations are civil but strained) and said she was thinking of organising a surprise party for them, and would we like to be involved? DH was touched, and said yes, we would love to.

Got voicemail from SIL last weekend stating that she had looked into it, and it will be £2,000 for the party, and, as the other sibling has no money (despite being a solicitor!), we will have to pay half of the cost. She has decided on the guest list, (24 family & 32 of PIL friends) venue and menus without consulting us.

We offered to host the party at our house instead, and have a garden party. This thread refers

DH phoned SIL tonight to offer this. However, she has said it must be a sit-down meal, and sniffily said 'If it's a matter of money, I'll foot the bill myself'. She would not budge in terms of venue or numbers (we think PIL would prefer a family do). DH suggested we all meet to discuss, but she was dismissive of this idea, saying 'there's no need'.

It is partly a matter of money. We do have the money in savings, but when I think of what £1,000 buys, I think of a family holiday for a week in a cottage, not a party which my SIL has dictated all the terms for. I also object to being asked to contribute £1,000 when poor XXXXXX doesn't have to pay, because she has no money.

I am tempted to take SIL up on the offer of footing the bill, but DH thinks she will try to exploit it to make us look bad, and herself look good.

PIL are lovely people, who have worked hard all their lives and saved hard. They would be horrified at this extravagance.

Suggestions and discussion please.

OP posts:

cat64 · 28/02/2008 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Iklboo · 28/02/2008 13:37

I only spent £2000 on my farking wedding! Whole deal including sit down meal, evening do with disco & buffet, cake etc
Tell her to go forth and multiply

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 28/02/2008 13:39

Well I suppose it's all relative and that someone who is filthy rich might see contributing a grand as the equivalent of bunging a tenner in the pot..

But frankly, even in that position I'd have to say bollocks.. and give it to charity instead

mylovelymonster · 28/02/2008 14:37

I don't see why you can't pull out now - she's being completely unreasonable. Don't be too nice to her - she's a bully and doesn't deserve such a nice brother/sil. And why the hell should you dig into your hard earned savings? Am quite on your behalf. I wish I had her in the room with me - I'd give her a piece of my mind............
I'm sure PIL are well aware of her general behaviour. Hope you reach a successful conclusion x

morethanmum · 29/02/2008 11:58

What have you decided? I think you shouldn't spend loads that you don't want to - I would end up being so cross I wouldn't enjoy the PIl enjoying the party that way. Get dh to tell her that you'd like to do something else, and that you hadn't realised it was all arranged when you agreed to contribute. Keep a dignified silence if she whinges to anyone about how she asked you to contribute and you wouldn't - keeping quiet is so much easier and better than being defensive and descending to playground 'he said, she said' stuff.

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 05/03/2008 15:56

Just an update, sorry I haven't been on sooner - have been running 1/2 marathon in Paris!

DH spoke to SIL and asked if we could arrange to meet to discuss. She said there was no point, she has been organising this since last year (shock), and our suggestions don't fit into her 'vision', and she wants to 'recreate their wedding'

She said we are clearly in 'different places', and that if we want to organise a smaller do for family then that's fine (thanks for the permission ), but that she will be sticking with her plans.

Great. Suits me fine. I couldn't be bothered getting into a competition with her. We are thinking of paying for a weekend away for PILs, which I think they will like.

Thanks for the advice and observations .

OP posts:

ArmadilloDaMan · 05/03/2008 19:42

glad you got a bareable outcome.

iamdingdong · 05/03/2008 19:53

Gosh she really does sound quite unbearable!

slim22 · 05/03/2008 20:06

Let her foot the bill and use the money to send your PIL on a "honeymoon" pampering weekend.

slim22 · 05/03/2008 20:07

Well I did not read your reply properly did I?

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 14/06/2008 23:14

OK so this is a quick update, and appeal for advice. The 'surprise' party for my PILs is tomorrow. Except that it no longer appears to be a surprise.

We ended up telling my SIL that we would be organising our own present for PILs, and we have arranged for them to go for a weekend break next week to a hotel which they both adore.

However, today my DH was at his parents house, and my FIL asked him why we hadn't got involved in organising the 'surprise' party for them. Apparently my SIL has told PIL that we refused to get involved, and refused to pay. I'm not sure how or why they are now aware of the party, but apparently they are.

So my husband is really worried, that it appears that we didn't want to be involved in the celebrations for their 40th wedding anniversary. How can we deal with things tomorrow with dignity but that don't make us look mean-spirited or stand-offish? I don't really want to get into a 'she said, he said' situation, but otherwise my SIL will have completely manipulated the situation.

OP posts:

chubbleigh · 15/06/2008 00:38

I would just be truthful and say you heard nothing about it until it had all been planned (clearly she had planned it before consulting you), venue, menu and guest list and that SIL knew exactly what she wanted to do without any further input so really all the credit goes to her and 'hasn't she done a wonderful job!' If she wants all of the glory let her have it, it is fairly difficult to critise someone who is being complimentary to you, it makes you look a bit sour. Also other sister did not contribute financially so you are not really isolated on this point.

Go to party.
Have nice time (well try).
Do not mention subject again.
Concentrate on good relationship with parents-in-law without reference to what any other member of family says, does or thinks.

littlelapin · 15/06/2008 01:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnydelight · 15/06/2008 05:16

God, what a bitch! Hope it all went off ok. Personally I would suggest your DH tells his family that he wanted to organise something special for them himself, rather than just contribute financially to something that he wasn't allowed any other input in by his CONTROL FREAK sister.

JodieG1 · 15/06/2008 06:48

Tbh I think it sounded like sil wanted to have a big do for them, sounds like she's been planning it for a long time and wanted it to be perfect. Recreating their wedding sound amazing. She clearly cares a lot (imo) and wanted everything to be just right for them.

I imagine pil will be delighted at the party and really enjoy it.

2sugars · 15/06/2008 07:16

What chub and littlelapin say. Try to enjoy it, for their sake if not yours.

justabouttoeatallthejaffacakes · 15/06/2008 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BBBee · 15/06/2008 08:30

she is asking you to contribute 1k towards a present that you have no say in and you don;t think they would like - you were right to say no.

she is a nutjob - buy her a garden fork and a pcket of salt for her next birthday.

ScienceTeacher · 15/06/2008 08:35

I think she could have gone about it differently, ie sat down with you and looked at all the possibilities.

But £2000 for 56 people is not too bad. It's £37 a head.

ScienceTeacher · 15/06/2008 08:46

Oops, my reply was to the opening post. Didn't realise the thread started ages ago.

As for conducting yourself - do it with dignity, rise above the games. There will be loads of people that you haven't seen for ages to catch up with.

ScienceTeacher · 15/06/2008 08:48

If there are speeches, how about presenting SIL with a huge bouquet for all her hard work?

Heifer · 15/06/2008 20:13

how did it all go?

Original poster

Blueskythinker · 15/06/2008 21:34

Well, it went OK. My PILs seemed to really enjoy the party. My MIL was genuinely surprised, however FIL already knew, and did not seem as delighted about the whole thing.

During the speeches, both my SILs made reference to the fact that they had organised the event, i.e. XXXX and I would like to thank you all for coming (no mention of DH). But although my DH was pretty annoyed by this, I would prefer this, rather than be seen to be included in an event which we haven't contributed to IYSWIM? There was also a photo slideshow, in which they picked spectacularly unflattering photos of my DH, but I haven't discussed this with him, given his delicate state .

My DH wants to talk to his Mum and let her know that the only involvement that SIL wanted from us was cheque signing, and that was why we didn't get involved, but I really think it will spoil things for her and have asked him not to.

My PILs go on their hotel break tomorrow, and I think they are looking forward to it. My MIL said that today was their wedding recreated again, and we have provided the honeymoon.

If only my SILs were so pleasant and positive!

OP posts:

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