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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £1000 is too much to 'contribute' towards a party?

98 replies

Blueskythinker · 26/02/2008 20:29

Yet another SIL thread.

PIL are having their 40th wedding anniversery this summer. SIL phoned DH (she never bothers with us - relations are civil but strained) and said she was thinking of organising a surprise party for them, and would we like to be involved? DH was touched, and said yes, we would love to.

Got voicemail from SIL last weekend stating that she had looked into it, and it will be £2,000 for the party, and, as the other sibling has no money (despite being a solicitor!), we will have to pay half of the cost. She has decided on the guest list, (24 family & 32 of PIL friends) venue and menus without consulting us.

We offered to host the party at our house instead, and have a garden party. This thread refers

DH phoned SIL tonight to offer this. However, she has said it must be a sit-down meal, and sniffily said 'If it's a matter of money, I'll foot the bill myself'. She would not budge in terms of venue or numbers (we think PIL would prefer a family do). DH suggested we all meet to discuss, but she was dismissive of this idea, saying 'there's no need'.

It is partly a matter of money. We do have the money in savings, but when I think of what £1,000 buys, I think of a family holiday for a week in a cottage, not a party which my SIL has dictated all the terms for. I also object to being asked to contribute £1,000 when poor XXXXXX doesn't have to pay, because she has no money.

I am tempted to take SIL up on the offer of footing the bill, but DH thinks she will try to exploit it to make us look bad, and herself look good.

PIL are lovely people, who have worked hard all their lives and saved hard. They would be horrified at this extravagance.

Suggestions and discussion please.

OP posts:
bigbumhole · 27/02/2008 20:17

No effing way are you being unreasonable. Your SIL however is! Dear god 2k on a party?! You can have a lovely make-do wedding for less than that, is she serious?!

Tell her she can foot the bill (seeing as the offered and all!)

Youcannotbeserious · 27/02/2008 20:20

I'd stick to your offer and if your SIL refuses and says she'll 'foot the bill' then so be it.

£1000 is far too much!

Quattrocento · 27/02/2008 20:27

Oh well I don't know

Open and honest (but not confrontational) is probably the best way to go

Tell them you are cross that it's only being shared between two, that you've had no say all that stuff

cupsoftea · 27/02/2008 20:43

yanbu - you've made a suggestion but she's ignoring it.

Could you ask your in-laws what type of party they want, explain the background & see if they'll propose a compromise solution?

If she sticks to her plan then she foots the bill.

perpetualworrier · 27/02/2008 20:44

Has anyone ever done a surprise party that was a success? It always seems to me that they're for the benefit of the "thrower". If I was having a party in my honour, I'd want some time to look forward to it, to get my hair done, find something stunning to wear, have some input into the type of celebration I wanted .... A surprise party would be my worst nightmare. SIL is just out for the glory and not worried about what M&D want.

As for asking you for £1k If she must, on her head be it and she can pay, but I'd much rather ask them what they want.

WideWebWitch · 27/02/2008 20:46

She's a fucking power mad loon

let her pay
silly moo

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 27/02/2008 20:55

Say that you are going to host a more informal,family party at yours but if she wants to organise a suprise party then let her go ahead and pay for it.As said before sell it as two parties and I am sure PIL will enjoy yours much more which will really piss her off

scottishmummy · 27/02/2008 21:15

Blueskythinker -Sil is being bossy and manipulative.stick to your guns, don't be press ganged into handing over cash

what is important is the genuineness of goodwill,fum, and bonhomie at your PIL party not spending a stupendous amount of flashy cash

hell SIL plans of fancy napkins, artfully placed trinkets, fancy food are all just froth and triia. hell, just an avaricious splash ths cash do,let her boloody pay

fwiw, you probably cant win with SIL

IMO, id rather save the cash, and get a pasting. Rather than, spend and still get a pasting

Original poster
Blueskythinker · 27/02/2008 21:31

I am so fortunate to have like minded people here on MN!

DH has left message with SIL saying we want to discuss.

Plan 1: He intends to establish how much poor XXXX can afford, and then suggest that we tailor our budget (and plans) so that we are all contributing the same.

Plan 2: Propose that we will host a family do at our house, and we will pick up the bill. If she wants to have a separate do for just friends, fine.

Plan 3: If she insists on having family & friends (like it's her decision ) we will still offer to have it at ours, but would like a contribution towards the cost.

Plan 4: If she wants it all her own way, she pays. We will make sure her behaviour 'accidentally' gets mentioned.

Sigh. Where are all these mythical people with wonderful SILs?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 27/02/2008 21:37

You are also fortunate to have a DH with a backbone, good for him for getting back to her to discuss those plans.

bohemianbint · 27/02/2008 21:50

YANBU.

If you think she'll show you up if you don't put the money in, refuse and spend £100 putting on an alternative and far less formal and fantastic party and make her look like the arse she is.

zazen · 27/02/2008 22:56

Same here Kbear, our wedding only cost us ?2000 and we had 200, and two parties. That was only 7 years ago, and we had lovely wine and organic food.

This all sounds very strange to me -I'd let her lack of willingness to negotiate be her nemesis as I would let her foot the entire bill, and never let her forget her own foolishness if she tries to make you feel guilty!!!!

pukkapatch · 27/02/2008 22:59

let her

Catzenobia · 28/02/2008 09:56

YANBU. Totally agree that you should not contribute anything if you are not being given any say in what happens.

sagitta · 28/02/2008 10:06

YANBU
What are you going to have to spend on their 50th anniversary?

clam · 28/02/2008 10:38

I find this astounding. Surely you all ought to have got together to discuss ideas first? Where did SIL get the idea that it was OK to go ahead and plan a big posh do without consulting a)the parents for whom it's intended and b)the people who are going to have to stump up to pay for it?

Original poster
Blueskythinker · 28/02/2008 12:38

Clam, This is her all over. She phoned my DH out of the blue last Friday evening to ask if he wanted to be involved. She gave no indication that she had already made any decisions as to any of the details. She phoned the next afternoon and left a voice message saying it was going to be £1000!

When DH told her we would have to meet to discuss, she told him that the venue was provisionally booked, and we need to confirm within the next couple of days. Thank goodness it is only a provisional booking.

When I first met DH, his sister was really bossy, (actually they both are - it makes me so cross to see how they behave towards DH, as he is just a big softy), to the point that she phoned up and said 'You owe us £200 for your share in the parents Christmas present, we've bought them a dishwasher'. 6 years on, his parents still insist on washing dishes by hand! The dishwasher has possibly been used 5 times! The same year, she announced to us that she had planned for him to spend NYE at her friend's party. Needless to say, I soon put a stop to this sort of thing, so I they have both hated me for it ever since.

My DH is so hurt, because he thought they were genuinely trying to involve him in something nice for his parents, but in fact, it was just to stump up cash.

OP posts:
morethanmum · 28/02/2008 12:46

Poor you. Would it be so bad to just let her do the party her own way, including paying for it, getting the kudos etc? Then you can do something completely different and forget the whole joint gift thing. Enjoy the party as guests, emphasis that it was all her own idea etc to PILs and then give them something lovely like theatre tokens/ weekend away etc. Good luck.

Original poster
Blueskythinker · 28/02/2008 12:52

I agree, morethan, I have no problem with her doing the whole thing. I don't feel the need to compete with her. The difficulty is that she will make a fuss and make sure everyone knows we refused to contribute, and it's difficult now that we agreed to be 'involved' to now back out. I think DH should have taken her up on her 'offer' to pay straight away. She is basically a bully.

OP posts:
franke · 28/02/2008 12:57

I agree with morethanamum. I doubt you're going to win this one - let her have it her way including paying and then do something nice with your pil separately around the time of the anniversary. IMO and IME you won't stop the bossiness, the best you can hope for is to distance yourself from it and make it clear (in a firm but fair way ) that you won't kowtow (sp?) either now or in the future.

franke · 28/02/2008 13:01

Can you and dh head off her bad-mouthing of you by spending some money on the pil in a way that you see fitting eg holiday or treats (as morethanamum suggested)?

thegreatescape · 28/02/2008 13:06

Do you think maybe its more than half she's asking for? I think I would say she seems to have sorted the party out herself so you will buy a nice present. You can get somehting fantastic for half the price and you won't look tight.

sundew · 28/02/2008 13:08

YANBU - your SIL is being very unreasonable

we organised a suprise 80th party for my FIL at a local pub. On the invites we said that everyone would need to pay for their food - we'd picked a reaonably priced set menu.

Everyone came - it was a fab occasion and no-one objected to paying for their share.

anniemac · 28/02/2008 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

legalalien · 28/02/2008 13:31

I do not think YABU. SIL is, in the least, being inconsiderate HOWEVER I think it's worth considering things from her perspective slightly, rather than just branding her as the wicked witch in this, not least to avoid any undeserved damage to your DH's relationship with her.

Is it possible that your two SILs thought that your DH was unlikely to be interested in the details of the party / that they were doing a "good deed" by phoning around, sorting out details etc? I know it would have been better to involve DH at an early stage, but if they see each other (and not your DH) regularly that could quite easily happen. This is particularly the case if any of you is "time poor". I know if it was my PILs party, DH would be absolutely delighted to have his SIL organise details and let him know how to contribute. If SIL has spent a lot of time thinking about details / gathering info, you can see that she'd feel quite defensive / unhappy if your response was "let's do something completely different".

(just trying to redress the balance a little)

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