Help me process what happened to me in psychiatric hospital

[inthewrong1]

Hi everyone

Regular Mumsnet user but name changed for obvious reasons.

2 years ago, I was hospitalised after a suicide attempt and severe depression and anxiety. I went to a psychiatric hospital and stayed as an inpatient for 2 months to get help.

About a week in, a new health care assistant started and he seemed really nice.

I overslept one morning and woke up to him touching my bare feet in bed telling me it was time to get up and take my medication (male staff were not allowed in our rooms without supervision) as it was a female only hospital.

He would make jokes like "I wouldn't bend over if I were you" whilst supervising me putting my washing in the machine or tumble dryer.

At the time, I was in an awful place, I was broken. My husband had left me due to my depression and I was 60 miles away from home and everything and everyone I knew.

As I wasn't deemed a danger to others and had no history of violence, I was allowed out on my own to the local town etc if I wanted to.

He found me on Facebook and sent me a message and was being flirty. He offered for me to go to his for dinner the following day and I was so lonely and sad that I agreed. He told me to walk down into the town and he'd pick me up.

When I got to his house, he hadn't cooked any dinner but gave me wine and I ended up having sex with him. I didn't enjoy it, he made me uncomfortable, slapping me around my face, tying my hands up even though I said I didn't like it and rubbed my feet constantly. After about an hour, I got dressed and he said he couldn't drop me back to the town.

I got a taxi back and the next day he acted like he didn't know me. A few days later I passed him leaving with a box full of his stuff, he'd been caught in another girls room on his own and on CCTV kissing another patient on the grounds.

I'm still struggling to process what happened. I know it wasn't rape as I consented, but the aggressiveness of the sex, the slapping me, tying me up even though I said I didn't want to and knowing I was vulnerable now makes my skin crawl.

I have flashbacks of him slapping me and I haven't been intimate with anyone since.

How do I process this? I feel dirty and ashamed.

Have you reported him?!

I didn't as the girl he was caught kissing gave evidence and confided in safe guarding team and he can never work in this kind of setting again. I kept in touch with her for a while after.

I'm so sorry you were taken advantage of when you were vulnerable.
You must report this lowlife.

I am truly sorry that this happened to you, and I am trying to say this sensitively, but he raped you.
you were an inpatient in a mental health facility and were very vulnerable. He was in a position of authority and he abused your trust.
i would say you need to contact a therapist - I don't know if you are still under mental health services or reach out to rape crisis or a similar group to talk this through, and process what has happened to you and so you can decide what to go next (whether to report what happened to you)

Good grief! He took advantage of you in a very state and you were in no fit state to give true consent. If he was found out for similar activities with another patient presumably he would never get a similar job but it sounds to
me as though you should discuss this with a counsellor or therapist whether or not you are already seeing one.

Thank you everyone, I feel so sad about it 😢 he was so rough that I had bruises up my back and finger bruises on my wrists and legs. I decided not to report as the other girl had meaning he can't work with vulnerable adults again but it's just haunting me so much.

I'm in a better place and now have a beautiful baby girl and amazing partner but I keep thinking what if this was her god forbid, I'd want to rip anyone that did that to her apart so why did I allow it myself?

Very vulnerable state obvs!

You were utterly taken of advantage of when you were incredibly vulnerable. What an absolute arse he is.

Absolutely report him.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I'm so sorry, OP.

I would absolutely describe what he did as terribly abusive. He groomed you during a time of vulnerability. What a low life.

I'd recommend trauma counselling to unpack the understandable emotions here.

We're you on a section? Did you have capacity to consent?

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You might want to look up whether there's a service near to you that provides specialist (free) support -
https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc

I totally agree, I think he took advantage of you when you were extremely vulnerable. It is up to you how strong you feel but I do think that you should report what happened. It probably won’t change anything but at least it will be acknowledged that this man took advantage of you when you were supposed to be in a safe and supportive environment. x

He took advantage of you and you have NOTHING to feel bad or ashamed about. At all.

Please report him.

You didn't 'allow' it. Please dont think like that. You got through it as best as you could. People often talk about fight or flight, there's also the freeze response, which is exactly what I did when I was raped.

He is a despicable person, and to my mind, he raped you. However it's for you to decide how you feel about what happened. Please keep talking, be it to us, to a friend, to a counsellor. Anyone. Talking helps.

Hes an utter utter shit and you are a nice normal person just trying to survive. Its not you, its vile abusive men.

This is literally a sackable offence it's a huge conduct breach

I am so sorry you were abused at your most vulnerable

if you were in the hospital under section 3... you did NOT have capacity to consent and therefore it is rape. I am so so sorry that you went through this! someone like this should absolutely chemically castrated locked up. I understand you probably don't want to go down the reporting route... but please get some help for yourself... speak to your therapist if you have one. sending you hugs

Oh OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like he has been reported so if you don't want to take that stress on, I think you can let that go. But it does sound like you need help to get over this , and why wouldn't you, so I think you would be wise to confide in a doctor you trust, or seek out a kind and sensitive counsellor.

How do you have a partner and baby now if you haven't been intimate with anyone since?

He was totally wrong I mean, you do have intimacy that is good now with your daughter and partner.

Sorry OP but @ Boomboom22 raises a valid question.

Sorry that happened to you. Legally you probably didn't have capacity at that time so couldn't consent and I'm sorry to say you were quite possibly raped. If you feel strong enough speak to the police but do not feel pressured to do so if you can't face it.

Rape crisis are a wonderful charity with a great helpline where you can speak to someone in confidence if you need to

Best wishes whatever you decide to do

His behaviour was disgusting. It may not have been rape but it was a sexual assault and inappropriate conduct and he deserves to get in trouble. I think he deserves to be reported to the police, but I see why you might not want to do this.

Have you had any therapy? I wonder if it would be helpful for you to talk to a professional about what happened. It was a trauma, it’s valid to need help to get over it.

No she doesn't. No where does the OP say that she hasn't been intimate with anyone since. Stop trying to pick imaginary holes in a rape survivor's story

If she was under section it's rape. She didn't have capacity to consent.