Help me process what happened to me in psychiatric hospital

[inthewrong1]

Hi everyone

Regular Mumsnet user but name changed for obvious reasons.

2 years ago, I was hospitalised after a suicide attempt and severe depression and anxiety. I went to a psychiatric hospital and stayed as an inpatient for 2 months to get help.

About a week in, a new health care assistant started and he seemed really nice.

I overslept one morning and woke up to him touching my bare feet in bed telling me it was time to get up and take my medication (male staff were not allowed in our rooms without supervision) as it was a female only hospital.

He would make jokes like "I wouldn't bend over if I were you" whilst supervising me putting my washing in the machine or tumble dryer.

At the time, I was in an awful place, I was broken. My husband had left me due to my depression and I was 60 miles away from home and everything and everyone I knew.

As I wasn't deemed a danger to others and had no history of violence, I was allowed out on my own to the local town etc if I wanted to.

He found me on Facebook and sent me a message and was being flirty. He offered for me to go to his for dinner the following day and I was so lonely and sad that I agreed. He told me to walk down into the town and he'd pick me up.

When I got to his house, he hadn't cooked any dinner but gave me wine and I ended up having sex with him. I didn't enjoy it, he made me uncomfortable, slapping me around my face, tying my hands up even though I said I didn't like it and rubbed my feet constantly. After about an hour, I got dressed and he said he couldn't drop me back to the town.

I got a taxi back and the next day he acted like he didn't know me. A few days later I passed him leaving with a box full of his stuff, he'd been caught in another girls room on his own and on CCTV kissing another patient on the grounds.

I'm still struggling to process what happened. I know it wasn't rape as I consented, but the aggressiveness of the sex, the slapping me, tying me up even though I said I didn't want to and knowing I was vulnerable now makes my skin crawl.

I have flashbacks of him slapping me and I haven't been intimate with anyone since.

How do I process this? I feel dirty and ashamed.

@inthewrong1 honey this was rape.
You saying 'yes' was at a time when you were not yourself as you had so much going on.

You poor thing.

You should report him. Regardless of someone else reporting him.
It's about you speaking out/ you saying it was wrong and you taking the power (and the choice) back.

Please change your username!
You have began to speak out on here- that's amazing. You're right to and you have rights.

Glad you're in a better place/ stage of life.

Can people please stop telling the op she should report it. It's very inappropriate.

Hope you're OK OP.

Does your partner not know about the hospital? Or just not know about the rape/assult?

He's a predator who deliberately targeted vulnerable women. It wasn't your fault and you didn't allow it to happen, he coerced you into sex you didn't want. I'm so sorry this happened to you

Omg, OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. To me this sounds like statutory rape. Please go to the police.

@Morewineplease10 how is this not statutory rape?

Oh darling girl, look at your user name. You should know and believe that this horrible man deserves no influence on your life now. You are the survivor of a crime by someone who should not be able to get away with it.

How about you call a rape crisis centre they will help you to find a way through this and you can start living the life that you deserve. How very brave of you to post this it can´t have been easy.

Please report him OP.

That is utterly abusive behaviour and it needs to be on his record.

If you feel you need some counselling then talk to your GP about that

The makes me so sick.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I'm glad he was caught but please please consider reporting this to the police yourself.

If you were under section you may not have had capacity to consent.

What an absolutely scumbag.

Please also speak to your GP about accessing therapy to heal from this and anything else

You don’t have to go to the police if you don’t feel able to.

Speak to a sexual violence service and access counselling. You were abused even if you struggle to call it rape. You were vulnerable, in poor mental health and he abused his position of trust. You didn’t ask for what happened.

work through your feelings with a counsellor.

This is awful to read, my heart hurts for you.
Is this something you could speak about with your partner or a trusted friend or family member. Or GP? Or a confidential chat with a rape crisis support counsellor?

Thank you for sharing with us, I hope someone more knowledgeable can come along and help you make sense of this. He truly sounds like a scum piece and you sound so strong. He really did take advantage of you at such a vulnerable time. It’s not too late to report him, but you’re in control now x

Thank you for all your messages, I will read properly tomorrow. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained from tormenting myself over it, especially since having DD. My partner does know I was in a psychiatric hospital due to depression, he knows all about my childhood (sexual abuse, drug addict mum and other traumas), he knows everything about me other than this, I feel ashamed and disgusting that I let a man do this to me.

Since having my daughter it has played on my mind so much, I feel fiercely protective of her in terms of making sure nothing like that will ever happen to her. I know deep down, I was not in the wrong but I second guess myself, did I lead him on? Did I insinuate that I wanted that? I was desperate for some attention, I was in the worst place of my life.

I'm happy to say that my depression is now well controlled and I'm the happiest I've ever been with my DD and partner, he truly is the most wonderful man but I'm scared to tell him for some reason.

I will read replies properly tomorrow and respond. Thank you all x

I am so pleased that you’re much better now and have a beautiful dd and loving partner. However, you must, like others have said, report this person for abusing you in a place where you should have been looked after. I am sure, once you have done this, you can start to recover fully from this vile man & focus fully on your happier life now, without flashbacks of that appalling time. All the best.

This is not your fault. You were incredibly vulnerable. He was a predator who had deliberately sought out a job that gave him access to vulnerable women. He groomed you. He sexually assaulted you. I think there's a pretty strong argument that he raped you: you may well not have been in state to give valid consent, and when you objected to things he did to you he carried on anyway. That sounds like rape to me. This was not your fault. It was 100% his fault.

It is totally up to you whether you report this predatory bastard. You already know he has been banned from similar roles, so women as vulnerable as you were are already protected. He certainly deserves to be locked up, but only pursue this if it will help you. But I do think you should look for specific counselling. Because it's a heck of a lot to process. If you are still having flashbacks, that suggests that (eminently understandably) you may have PTSD. Which is very treatable. You deserve help to put this more thoroughly behind you. Because none of it was your fault.

Perhaps you would feel better if you reported it as well? It's awful what happened to you,

I agree, the OP does not have to report it. Please don't add pressure to her when she has suffered already.

Bloody hell, OP, that's appalling.

That beastly man had no right to be working with vulnerable women.

All too common an occurrence in the past. Vile creep.

I don't agree with reporting him or telling your partner, if you don't want to.

It can be re-traumatising.

There's no right or wrong, but speaking with a qualified trauma counseller is something to consider, to start to reframe your thinking about yourself (as in, it's not your fault!)

I agree that you don't need to tell anybody or report him, unless you want to.

But 100% you did not "let" this happen. You did nothing wrong. You could have been dressed in lingerie and doing a lap dance on him and it would have been his responsibility not to so much as look at you, never mind touch you.

The only person in the wrong is him.

Sadly too you are not alone. There was a radio 4 programme about similar situations a few months ago.

I am sorry this happened to you. I think it’s best you speak to a sexual assault charity to help you process this. I was sexually assaulted as a child and for decades keep trying to push down the feelings…tell myself what was the point of reporting it as it was so long ago, waste of resources etc. But a counsellor asked me if I wanted to report and when I did it helped give me closure. The only thing I would say is it was also very emotional as you have to go through thugs again - so best to speak to a sexual assault charity to work out what you need and want to process this. One thing I would say is I recommend you do this now while your child is young - I unintentionally gave my daughter hang ups about males as I was overprotective about males we did not know well around her.

It absolutely was rape.

You were an inpatient in a psychiatric hospital. The fact that you were allowed to come and go is immaterial.

Could you contact your nearest Rape Crisis Centre?

You could talk there or they might be able to refer you to a therapist

OP I think it’s worth you also looking into how people act when they are in vulnerable situations - when people feel at the time they don’t have a choice because they are in survival mode. It’s very easy to look back and say I could have done x then or x then…but in the moment it didn’t feel like that and it’s important to not be critical of yourself for your decisions or actions at a time you were vulnerable and someone who was meant to protect you instead took advantage of you.
None of this is your fault - I strongly suggest you speak to SA charity on what you want to do about it now. SA is often about losing power over our own bodies / lives - you need go get that power back by being guided to make decisions that are the right decisions for you.

It wasn't your fault but nothing we say here is going to make you change your mind. You won't believe us. You need to work with specialised professionals who can help reach that point. You have to believe it wasn't your fault, then you can start healing. I do think you've taken the first step though buy coming here, writing out your feelings. You're on already on teh road to recovery, you just need to start walking.
It doesn't matter you went to his house and it doesn't matter you said "yes". You were vulnerable and not in a healthy headspace. You were groomed. He knew what he was doing. The fact he couldn't control his impulses and hit on more patients at the same time as you, that tells me he'd done for a while and he felt like he could get away with it.
Yes means nothing if the person who says isn't well enough to comprehend and accept what it means to say yes.
He abused his position, he abused you. You going to his house was on him, not on you and it certainly wasn't your fault.