Help me process what happened to me in psychiatric hospital

[inthewrong1]

Hi everyone

Regular Mumsnet user but name changed for obvious reasons.

2 years ago, I was hospitalised after a suicide attempt and severe depression and anxiety. I went to a psychiatric hospital and stayed as an inpatient for 2 months to get help.

About a week in, a new health care assistant started and he seemed really nice.

I overslept one morning and woke up to him touching my bare feet in bed telling me it was time to get up and take my medication (male staff were not allowed in our rooms without supervision) as it was a female only hospital.

He would make jokes like "I wouldn't bend over if I were you" whilst supervising me putting my washing in the machine or tumble dryer.

At the time, I was in an awful place, I was broken. My husband had left me due to my depression and I was 60 miles away from home and everything and everyone I knew.

As I wasn't deemed a danger to others and had no history of violence, I was allowed out on my own to the local town etc if I wanted to.

He found me on Facebook and sent me a message and was being flirty. He offered for me to go to his for dinner the following day and I was so lonely and sad that I agreed. He told me to walk down into the town and he'd pick me up.

When I got to his house, he hadn't cooked any dinner but gave me wine and I ended up having sex with him. I didn't enjoy it, he made me uncomfortable, slapping me around my face, tying my hands up even though I said I didn't like it and rubbed my feet constantly. After about an hour, I got dressed and he said he couldn't drop me back to the town.

I got a taxi back and the next day he acted like he didn't know me. A few days later I passed him leaving with a box full of his stuff, he'd been caught in another girls room on his own and on CCTV kissing another patient on the grounds.

I'm still struggling to process what happened. I know it wasn't rape as I consented, but the aggressiveness of the sex, the slapping me, tying me up even though I said I didn't want to and knowing I was vulnerable now makes my skin crawl.

I have flashbacks of him slapping me and I haven't been intimate with anyone since.

How do I process this? I feel dirty and ashamed.

For gods sake, that’s not what @Morewineplease10 said. She said people should stop telling OP to report it, and she’s right. This whole narrative to rape survivors about you must report it, what if he does it to someone else etc has to stop. The rape survivor does not have any duty to do so and should be supported in their healing and in reporting if they wish to report but must not be told that they should or pressured into doing so.

This!!!

I have taken the time to read every one of your messages and can't thank you all enough for showing me support.

I have decided to tell my partner what happened to me, when I think about it, I have no reason not to. He's kind and loving and supportive and I know he will support me in getting some help (counselling etc).

I don't want to go down the route of reporting, it's incredibly painful to relive. I was terrified of intimacy when I met my partner, the first few times we were intimate I kept having flashbacks of being slapped around the face and tied up etc and I had to stop a few times and blamed it on endometriosis pain. It got easier because of what a great man he is, gentle and makes me feel safe.

Again, I can't thank you all enough. X

Really glad to hear you're okay, OP.

I did the same - I told my DH about what I'd been through but felt no motivation to report it to the police.

To be honest, with the horrifically low rate of courts bringing rapists to justice, it feels as though rape isn't even illegal.

His actions are not your fault, not your responsibility and the only thing that matters is you processing what happened and feeling stronger in yourself. Good luck.

OP I'm glad you've got a supporting partner. I think you're well on the road to recovery. It'll be ok, one day it'll be ok. You will be ok.

Do you have a CPN? You can report this to them if you feel able, or to the hospital directly. I work in mental health, and am so sorry and angry to hear this happened to you.

So glad to read you've got a supportive partner OP, and that you can take some comfort in knowing others have reported the scumbag. Take whatever time you need to process it all, with your partner and in therapy - they can help you work out and feel comfortable with whatever decision you settle on about reporting it. Don't feel bad either if you find yourself changing your mind several times along the way. That's okay too. Put yourself and your baby first and do whatever helps you best get through it. So sorry you went through this - an absolutely gross and sickening mis-use of power