Is this domestic abuse and what should I do?

[Feelingvulnerable1992]

My partner has a temper and is very opinionated. He has lost his job for the second time now, and a new employer during an interview asked if he is aware he clashes with people. He has never liked my mum, often jealous of our close relationship and the fact that I see her most days. He also used to gamble but has promised me he no longer does, he sought help for his temper and is on anti depressents and a wait list (2 years!) for an Asperger’s / mental health assessment.

long story short, he lost some important documents I’m not sure if they relate to gambling but he has used them for previous jobs. So he woke in a foul mood despite being really nice to be around the past few weeks on his new meds. When I came home (I had to get my car MOT because he doesn’t drive as yet) he had dressed our children in tracksuits. I only made a casual comment about ‘why have you put them in that for it’s sunny out!’ And he was so angry at me, he can’t take criticism it was just a passing comment. My mum was over and when she arrived she said the same thing oh he needs a t shirt on then she heard him going on and on at me that he had checked the weather and it wasn’t going to be warm later and basically going at me because of my mum saying it too. She came in the front room and said what’s wrong? I wasn’t blaming anyone just said he needs a t shirt and that’s when he exploded. Oh here she is getting herself involved again!! I’m his dad ! Keep your nose out of it!! She was so taken aback as had said it nicely to try help as could tell his in a foul mood. He shouted abuse at her and naturally she defended herself. It ended up with him calling her an interfering c*nt, making my children cry as he doesn’t just shout he was roaring. He threw my sons cup at my mum during the ‘row’ which smashed and luckily wasn’t glass. He then broke my phone charger and made a hole in the wall. I called his dad to ask to get him but he couldn’t so his mum then called me on what’s app and heard him going crazy. She was so upset saying calm down, please speak to me etc he refused to and said he won’t speak to his dad either as he doesn’t listen.

anyway I’ve text his parents since as I’ve removed myself and my children from the situation and staying at my mums. This isn’t the first time he has exploded and his temper is uncontrollable. His mother hasn’t replied to any of my texts addressing what his done wrong, she did call on what’s app saying sorry hope you are ok etc she is not sure what’s happening (as I said he needs help) how he was behaving it was like he should have been sectioned.

I’ve told him before if he ever disrespects my mum again it is over , my mum isn’t perfect but she did nothing wrong at all. Sometimes she does get involved with her opinion when maybe she could have left it but that’s the way she is and he knows that. He does hateful things like my mum cleans my cooker hob for me and asked my partner to not leave things on top of it and he then proceeds to make sure he always leaves things on it.

anyway I haven’t kept his short really but I know his parents are aware of his temper as he has been in trouble with it in the past and they aren’t replying to me as don’t want to risk not seeing their gran kids if we split up. So I know they will not be any support to me if anything was to happen.

ive Looked into domestic abuse, as he has smashed things in my home before, snatched my phone, threw a towel at me in his temper; grabbed my throat. All prior to having children and seeking support for his temper which I believe he had changed.

as I said he can be really nice and a great partner and dad but he has this temper issue.

it hasn’t crept up again until now and I know I can’t allow it in front of my children. If he reacts like this over losing a few documents how would he react in a real crisis? I also don’t want to kick him out and then he say it’s his word against mine etc. my main priority are my children and his mother would love to get a hand on my kids she is so controlling. She has already made sure her nephews children are with him and not the mother - she plays the system etc. so I want to make sure if anything did happen that I gave evidence. Is there anyone who could help me how to do this legally?

i love this man. I am hoping maybe he realises he has caused so much pain over nothing and that he has really upset his young children seeing him like this. I hope he seeks help or his parents get him help and he can learn to control his temper and be the lovely man I love and know and not have anymore of these break downs. I also know that this may not happen as most abusers blame rather than feel guilt etc. if he ever does anything like this again it’s over for my kids sake, although I know I’ve said this last time he verbally abused me and my mum. So I don’t want to be this weak woman who never leaves.

I also don’t want to just walk away without legal advice with my kids. And I also still really pray that maybe he can get the right help and be the lovely partner who I love when he isn’t in a temper. TIa please no judgey comments xx

*grown adult.

was his nice side all fake? How can someone be fake 24/7. I’m really sad that the nice him may not be real.
Nobody is 100% nice or 100% nasty but most people operate on the nicer side. We are all capable of being 100% nasty on occasion but we have morals, or conditioning or ethics etc so we don't. Mostly we just inherently know it's wrong.

Your DP is operating on the nastier side. He is capable of being nicer but he doesn't want to. If an adult doesn't want to do something then you can't make them. This is why society has laws and prisons - it doesn't make them do anything, but it does protect the rest of us.

Even a wild tiger can be nice sometimes. Doesn't mean you should have it in your house, or have it near your children. It doesn't mean you should trust it or say it might not happen or it only snarled this time, or you know how to manage it. You cannot physically protect your children against an angry man. No woman can. So how else can you do it? You can leave.

@Feelingvulnerable1992 Even serial killers can have relationships, they can be incredibly charming... It's not a stretch to think this man can pretend to be a good person, he might even believe he loves you, but the truth comes out when he loses it.

He is showing you who he is, believe him.

Dear Op, you did the right thing to stay at your mother’s house with your children and please don’t go back to your husband.

You are wrong expecting any help from your PIL. Keep in mind, that you never know what your husband is telling to his parents or other people about you. Your husband is an abuser and he will always lie to everyone about you and will never admit that he abused you. Don’t expect help from his parents, because they are his parents and they will always believe him and help him. Also, ask yourself, how your FIL is treating your MIL? Over the years, did he always treat her with respect in front of you? Or not? It may be that your husband is like his dad, that’s why your MIL left new socks, pants and shorts for him! Because she thinks his behaviour is normal, because his dad acted the same, she is ok with it and can’t understand why you are not ok with it?

Don’t go into therapy with your husband! You can’t have therapy together because your husband is an abuser. Your husband will lie to the therapist, will tell him it’s all your fault and an inexperienced therapist may take his side. Couples therapy doesn’t work for domestic violence.

From now on, keep all his emails, texts, and a diary to write any abusive incident. Your husband wasn’t sorry for you, for your mother or your children! Report at least the last incident to the police, otherwise in the future it will look like you left your husband and took away your kids from him for no reason. Be strong and remember that you are the mother, usually judges leave the kids with mothers, not fathers. An abusive man doesn’t care about his own children, and the only reason why they fight for joint custody is to piss the mother, not because they are great dads and want to raise their kids.

I would recommend you to talk to a solicitor in order to get help and ask him if you should report now other DV incidents or only the last one in order to start the divorce. You have the right to divorce your husband at any time you want, and for any reason you want, nobody can stop you from doing it, because you are a free woman! You don’t belong to your husband or any other man! You don’t need to find excuses in order to divorce your husband, even if you won’t report any DV.

I know it’s hard to believe that a lovely person in reality is an evil person and all his lovely behaviour was fake. But, as @ChesterAndRaul pointed out, even serial killers may act lovely! Check out interview with serial killers and you’ll see that they kill because they don’t have empathy, feelings and values like normal people. They kill because killing is the only thing what makes them feel good and they don’t feel any kind of remorse after it. They may act lovely and talk about remorse, if it is what they need to say in order to get out of the jail. But the truth is, let any serial killer out of the jail because he talked nicely and acted nicely in the jail and the first thing what he will do, is to kill another human being. Serial killers don’t change, because they can't! Is the same with the abusers, they don’t change! Don’t expect your husband to get help and change, it won’t work. Your husband believes that he has the right to abuse you, that’s why he’s abusing you.

Can you imagine yourself carry on shouting and smashing things around while your kid hysterically cries and is afraid of you? No, you’ll stop because you’ll see what you did to your kid! A mother who believes that physical violence isn’t a way to educate her kids, no matter what, will never feel the urge to carry on shouting at her kid while her kid hysterically cries. A mother who believes that she has the right to use physical violence in order to educate her kids, won’t stop and will carry on shouting at her kids, and abuse them, because she can and she thinks this is the only way to educate kids! She knows that her kids can’t do anything to stop her. Is the same with abusive men, they don’t stop because they think it’s their right to abuse a woman! They will never dare to abuse a man, who can hit them back, but a poor woman, who can’t, they will abuse. Same with the mothers who abuse their kids, they don’t abuse other women, because they can’t do it, but they abuse their kids because they can and think they have the right to do it.

So now my partner is trying to blame my mum, because apparently she isn’t allowed to make any comments - all she did was say ‘oh she can do with a t shirt on’ when my partner had put her in a tracksuit in hot weather and don’t forget your jacket to my daughter when he was taking her out. And apparently it’s all built up and my mum is the issue. The other day I was the issue! He has lost two jobs due to clashing with people. He broke a laptop at school in his temper and got kicked out because he threatened a teacher. He was arrested because he started a fight with someone. He is hateful. Maybe he would only be happy with someone who is a mute. Because all we are being is normal people. My mum sometimes could not make a comment but surely that doesn’t mean he can react in the way he does? Also I know she doesn’t like him deep down and she can give as good as him and he doesn’t like that.

i suppose it’s hard knowing he is going to blame this all on my poor mum. Who is innocent in this. She did nothing wrong.

OP, he doesn’t regret it, somebody else (you/your mum/the kids/his boss) made him do it. He thinks he is entirely justified to assault your mum and terrify your kids, just as he was entirely justified to strangle you, if either of you step out of line, or if he is just in a pissy mood for some other reason. You are all there for him to take his anger out on.

Please recognise that he doesn’t regret this, will never regret this, blames you for it entirely, and is never going to change, regardless of what help he gets (he isn’t going to choose to get help, but even if he was forced to via prison).

You and your mum need to report this to the police, and you need to divorce him. He will go absolutely batshit when you do, as he will be outraged you are disrespecting him by leaving him. Do not tell him F2F. I would expect him straight round your mum’s house trying to smash it up to beat the shit out of you or even kill you as soon as he gets the news. Which is why you need to go to the police first.

Who cares what he says.

He's a thug.

All that matters is that you have left and need to stay left.

This needs police involvement.

I feel so sorry for your children in this.

Witnessing their violent father.

Model your mother and protect your children.

He and what he says is unimportant.

All he is, is a scummy thug.

Said in a kind way , you are minimising his behaviours , although it technically could be due to his downbeating of you over the years . He is a violent bully , end of.
Do you want your kids to see that as a normal father , to regularly see him lose it , to see their mother walk around on eggshells when he's in a mood ?

He’s monstrous and not even taking responsibility for his actions. He will not change. You need to make this break permanently or it will mess up your kids. For yourself. And for your poor mum. How dare he! I would call the police. Even if they don’t charge him if they’ve a record and a witness this should help for contact etc…

Be strong. It must be exhausting for you all walking on eggshells around this bully.

Said kindly, your DC already have one shit parent. Don't brush this under the carpet and be the second.

They deserve a Mum who can and will protect them.

Yes he'll bluster and threaten you with taking the kids away. Let him threaten. If you report this (and you have a witness) then he's very unlikely to be given custody given his temper. You're panicking and not thinking logically.

Even if your mum had done something wrong (which she hasnt') your partner's reaction would still be abusive and indefensible.

Aspergers doesn't make you violent. Bad mental health doesn't make you violent. Don't wait for a diagnosis, it won't help.
Just get away and stay away from him. He will never get better because he doesn't think anything is his fault.
If there is a problem he will kick off and then find somebody else to blame for driving him to it.
You can love someone and still recognise they are no good and you should not be with them

1. And apparently it’s all built up and my mum is the issue.
2. The other day I was the issue!
3 and 4. He has lost two jobs due to clashing with people.
5. He broke a laptop at school in his temper and got kicked out because he threatened a teacher.
6. He was arrested because he started a fight with someone.
7. new employer during an interview asked if he is aware he clashes with people

I also don’t want to kick him out and then he say it’s his word against mine etc

Somehow I don't think he can do that, do you? Too many direct witnesses, so there must be hundreds who are walking past or watching from a safe distance. If he got arrested even the police are witnesses.

But..he's not your pet project to fix. You can not fix him. He is a grown man who chooses to act in this way. Yes, chooses. Otherwise he would be at the Doctors begging for help, he would be trying different medications and counselling courses. But what is he actually doing? He's smashing the place up to intimidate you into silence, what's lovable about that?

Guy's a lunatic. Get out.

OP file a report with the police now. You say you’re staying with your mum with the kids. So this is your opportunity now to stay gone and protect your children. No more chances, no more ‘if this happens again then…’. No more of this shit. Your opportunity is now, take it. This guy will not change. This guy’s temper cannot be changed. Yours and your children’s future depend on you right now. Do the right thing and do it now.

Why are you still fretting about him and his appalling behavior?

You need to focus on yourself and your children and sort out your life.

Focus on separating from him - permanently, as in forever - and make sure you get everything you are entitled to.

I’m worried because I have read up before instances where the father makes out the mother is insane and lying about the abuse and then the father gets full access.

Also, that they will say he can still have access to my children which I would not be comfortable with without being there - as his blaming my mother for his anger he will say he has never been a threat to my children. But he has, he loses his temper with them too and even pulled my son by his top etc. one of my friends at the school even noticed it. I am such a worrier and I want to make sure I have all I need to ensure when I do officially leave he cannot pull the wall over anyone’s eyes!

This all needs to be documented by the police.

You’re just speculating now ‘he will say this, he will say that, he will do this, he will do that’. This will paralyse you into doing nothing based on what you assume he may or may not do or say. Just stop it.

This is literally exactly why you do need to report it to the police. To start a paper trail.

Multiple people have witnessed this man's character but even if they hadn't, not going to the police because you're worried he will make you out to be mad doesn't make sense anyway.

Going to the police shows you're serious and that you are prioritising safeguarding your son.

He is abusive and you need to get out.

But I think your mum should have kept quiet(not excusing what he did - he was abusive to her too)

He isn't lovely, he isn't going to be lovely

He's going to start on the children next

What are your circumstances? Rent? Own? In whose name/s?

Start planning your exit

@Feelingvulnerable1992 it's ok to be worried but you are placing your worries in the wrong place, if you are worried about anything it should be the daily lived experience of your family right now and how to stop it.

I’m worried because I have read up before instances where the father makes out the mother is insane and lying about the abuse and then the father gets full access.

He’s going to pretend that you and your mother and your children and your friends are all insane is he? How far do you think he will get with that, given his history of arrest for violence in the past?

If you report this to the police, he will be arrested again. You will then have good grounds for requesting supervised access only. You may not get it of course, but it will be less time with him than they have now.

Get out before he kills you.