Is this domestic abuse and what should I do?

[Feelingvulnerable1992]

My partner has a temper and is very opinionated. He has lost his job for the second time now, and a new employer during an interview asked if he is aware he clashes with people. He has never liked my mum, often jealous of our close relationship and the fact that I see her most days. He also used to gamble but has promised me he no longer does, he sought help for his temper and is on anti depressents and a wait list (2 years!) for an Asperger’s / mental health assessment.

long story short, he lost some important documents I’m not sure if they relate to gambling but he has used them for previous jobs. So he woke in a foul mood despite being really nice to be around the past few weeks on his new meds. When I came home (I had to get my car MOT because he doesn’t drive as yet) he had dressed our children in tracksuits. I only made a casual comment about ‘why have you put them in that for it’s sunny out!’ And he was so angry at me, he can’t take criticism it was just a passing comment. My mum was over and when she arrived she said the same thing oh he needs a t shirt on then she heard him going on and on at me that he had checked the weather and it wasn’t going to be warm later and basically going at me because of my mum saying it too. She came in the front room and said what’s wrong? I wasn’t blaming anyone just said he needs a t shirt and that’s when he exploded. Oh here she is getting herself involved again!! I’m his dad ! Keep your nose out of it!! She was so taken aback as had said it nicely to try help as could tell his in a foul mood. He shouted abuse at her and naturally she defended herself. It ended up with him calling her an interfering c*nt, making my children cry as he doesn’t just shout he was roaring. He threw my sons cup at my mum during the ‘row’ which smashed and luckily wasn’t glass. He then broke my phone charger and made a hole in the wall. I called his dad to ask to get him but he couldn’t so his mum then called me on what’s app and heard him going crazy. She was so upset saying calm down, please speak to me etc he refused to and said he won’t speak to his dad either as he doesn’t listen.

anyway I’ve text his parents since as I’ve removed myself and my children from the situation and staying at my mums. This isn’t the first time he has exploded and his temper is uncontrollable. His mother hasn’t replied to any of my texts addressing what his done wrong, she did call on what’s app saying sorry hope you are ok etc she is not sure what’s happening (as I said he needs help) how he was behaving it was like he should have been sectioned.

I’ve told him before if he ever disrespects my mum again it is over , my mum isn’t perfect but she did nothing wrong at all. Sometimes she does get involved with her opinion when maybe she could have left it but that’s the way she is and he knows that. He does hateful things like my mum cleans my cooker hob for me and asked my partner to not leave things on top of it and he then proceeds to make sure he always leaves things on it.

anyway I haven’t kept his short really but I know his parents are aware of his temper as he has been in trouble with it in the past and they aren’t replying to me as don’t want to risk not seeing their gran kids if we split up. So I know they will not be any support to me if anything was to happen.

ive Looked into domestic abuse, as he has smashed things in my home before, snatched my phone, threw a towel at me in his temper; grabbed my throat. All prior to having children and seeking support for his temper which I believe he had changed.

as I said he can be really nice and a great partner and dad but he has this temper issue.

it hasn’t crept up again until now and I know I can’t allow it in front of my children. If he reacts like this over losing a few documents how would he react in a real crisis? I also don’t want to kick him out and then he say it’s his word against mine etc. my main priority are my children and his mother would love to get a hand on my kids she is so controlling. She has already made sure her nephews children are with him and not the mother - she plays the system etc. so I want to make sure if anything did happen that I gave evidence. Is there anyone who could help me how to do this legally?

i love this man. I am hoping maybe he realises he has caused so much pain over nothing and that he has really upset his young children seeing him like this. I hope he seeks help or his parents get him help and he can learn to control his temper and be the lovely man I love and know and not have anymore of these break downs. I also know that this may not happen as most abusers blame rather than feel guilt etc. if he ever does anything like this again it’s over for my kids sake, although I know I’ve said this last time he verbally abused me and my mum. So I don’t want to be this weak woman who never leaves.

I also don’t want to just walk away without legal advice with my kids. And I also still really pray that maybe he can get the right help and be the lovely partner who I love when he isn’t in a temper. TIa please no judgey comments xx

I read everything then my jaw dropped at the last three words
" Grabbed my throat"
This is a pattern of behaviour which is escalating and you and DC are not safe
Don't go back and move on to a better calmer life for you and DC
He won't change, even with all the therapy, medication and diagnoses

@Chickenkeev Fair, but I've been in an abusive relationship & I momentarily took umbrage at being described as weak. You're right though, it's not the right time to call it out.

Grabbing by the throat is a precursor to ultra violent behaviour. The majority of women killed by their partner have been grabbedby the throat. Don't go back if only because your child needs a loving parent, not a dead one.

Dear OP, I feel for you and I understand what you are going through.

I know how hard it is to leave an abuser who after each incident will beg you for forgiveness, will tell you how much he loves you and will start to be the best husband ever, for a few days. But, sooner or later the abuse starts again.

Look at the following videos and TRUST those women, don’t make the same mistake as they did, don’t wait until things will get worst:

If you don’t trust those women, trust Lundy Bancroft and read his book ‘’Why does he do that?’’. Lundy is a consultant on domestic abuse and child maltreatment from the US, he worked for years with abusive men. You can’t change an abusive man, because they believe that they can abuse their woman and you can’t do anything to change it.

Imagine you meet a very religious man, who since childhood deeply believed in his own religion. At the same time, you have another religion in which you deeply believe since childhood. These two religions are totally different and teach different behaviour. What’s the chance that you’ll ever be able to make a grown-up man, who is deeply religious to convert into your religion? And for him to believe and accept that his religion is wrong, and yours is right? That is what you are trying now to do with your abusive husband, to convert him into being a non-abusive husband.

You can leave your husband or you can carry on living with him and accept that he will always abuse you, your children, your mother and he will never change.
Please, read the book, watch the videos and decide for yourself what kind future do you want for yourself?

If you’ll ever decide to leave your husband, please do it safety! Plan everything ahead, don’t underestimate your husband, don’t think he will never dare to assault you again or try to kill you when you’ll leave him. Prepare yourself how to deal with him in the future, because you have kids and he will use your kids to make your life a nightmare in the future, even if you’ll divorce him.

You don’t need to stay with your husband if you don’t want to. Based on your husband’s actions, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love your children and hates your mother! Why do you stay with your husband if he doesn’t respect your mother? Your husband had no right to shout at her or name call her! What would you say to your kids, if in the future one of them will have a partner like your husband? And he will treat you like your husband treats your mother?

What's there to love about this violent bully? My husband has ASD as do my two sons. They don't do this sort of stuff. My husband brings me coffee in bed every morning. ASD is no excuse for what your partner is doing. You've done your children a grave disservice by giving them this pathetic man as a father. Do the right thing now for your children by getting this man out of your life. You have choices and your children don't. They must be terrified for themselves and for you. Imagine your children left motherless with their dad in prison.

Your children must be absolutely terrified, @Feelingvulnerable1992

Please remove them and yourself from this abusive environment.

He will NEVER change. It is not safe for you to stay.

Please report yesterday's and previous assaults to the police.

Talk to Women's Aid and do the Freedom Programme.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free pdf online.

But first and foremost, stay with your mum. Don't go back. Protect yourself and your children.

He grabbed at your throat? The fuckers who choke you are the ones most at risk of killing you. It’s a HUGE risk factor. Read No Visible Bruises and don’t go back.

"If you disrespect my mum again it's over"

Wtf?? He smashed a cup, damaged property and terrified your kids, potentially seriously traumatising them, and it's the disrespect towards your mum that has you the most upset, but not leaving. Just one more time and you'll DEFINITELY leave.

I'm glad you're at your mum's OP. Good that you have gotten out of there.

You need to report this to the police. I know you're afraid of his mother playing the system. You need this incident officially recorded. And hopefully he'll be charged. You do not want your children to be spending time alone with him in the future, so if there's any way you can prevent that you need to take it. And what he's done is assault. It's dangerous physically and psychologically to the children.

On another note, and I mean this kindly, your love isn't enough. We're sold an idea that love conquers all, but it's nonsense when dealing with an abusive person. Your love for him is very real, but its not humanly possible to love an abusive person enough to make them change. The more we love them the more they read it as either a weakness and/or a point they can use to manipulate us. I'd also question how it's possible to really love someone you're afraid of - is that love?

Whether he's got any condition that can be psychiatrically diagnosed or not is, I'm afraid, irrelevant. If he's diagnosed with anything it doesn't make his past behaviour ok, nor does it make him safe to be around. And if there's someone out there who can help with his violent outbursts, then it won't happen overnight. His behaviour isn't something that can be switched off. He can't have a few therapy sessions, or medication and change. Also, he only way to test if he's changed is for you to use yourself and your children as guinea pigs.

Please go to the police about this asap. It is definitely abuse.

Of course it's abusive.

He's beyond help - and it's not your job to fix him.

Call the police and report his behaviour. Ask their advice. Call Women's Aid.

Your kids deserve to grow up in an environment that's free of abuse. And only you can make that choice for them.

OP, read this over and imagine it was your daughter writing it. What advice would you give?
You can’t will someone in to bring remorseful and the longer you stay the more normalised this becomes for your children. They will either turn out like him, or put up with someone like him. You know what you need to do.

It doesn't matter if it's a rare occurrence. Your children were terrified of him,saw him telling at you and their grandma, calling her a cunt, throwing a mug at her. It will happen again and you know it. They will live in fear.

I was in a similar situation to
you op, although it didn’t descend into full violence as in your case. Highly suspect ex has autism, nothing that sounded like criticism could pass my mouth without leading to shouting, swearing, kicking things or smacking a wall. He once screamed at me to apologise to him then cried, because of his behaviour being brought up. That was bad enough never mind putting holes in walls, laying a finger on you or taking it out on your mum. He did put my hands on my throat during more… vulnerable moments though, it was obviously something he wanted to do.

Autism or depression doesn’t make these behaviours ok. You don’t exist to fix him or help him get ‘better’. And the truth is these behaviours are so ingrained that it’s unlikely to get better, not without a lot of help and a lot of effort from him. The effort in itself will more than likely cause another mental breakdown as it’s essentially masking, and the cycle will continue. What’s your stopping point? When he’s beaten you black and blue? When you have fully traumatised your children? When someone dies? Choose a stopping line for all your sakes.

But during a row or when he sees red it’s unpredictable and he has no self control lashes out at things etc.

Does he ever destroy his own things, or is it just your things, your mother's and your kids' things he destroys? Because if his stuff survives these rages maybe he has more control over them than you think.

You can't let your children grow up in this house! You are failing them!!!! Get out now!

i love this man. I am hoping maybe he realises he has caused so much pain over nothing and that he has really upset his young children seeing him like this. I hope he seeks help or his parents get him help and he can learn to control his temper and be the lovely man I love and know and not have anymore of these break downs. I also know that this may not happen as most abusers blame rather than feel guilt etc.

He won't. There is no 'may not happen' Op, he will not change. If he cared enough to change, if there was good deep inside him that he could find to help him change, he'd have changed last time, or the time before.

You need to accept that, Op, for the good of your children if not yourself. The loving, happy relationship where he changes and everything is fine exists only in your head. It does not, and will not, exist in reality, because he is an abuser and will not suddenly see the light. They never do, and he is not different to the rest of them just because he is yours.

Good people do not get so angry that they repeatedly see red and physically abuse their partners, hold them by the throat (to be clear, as a pp said, men grabbing throats and throttling is a significant escalation and the most common indicator a man will go on to murder his partner - this is very, very real), scream abuse at them and their family, and behave like brutes.

He does not want to change because he has you exactly where he wants you. So in love with him that you will stay and he can do whatever the hell he wants, including controlling you, your mum, and your children, by fear. You've shown him threats to leave mean nothing, so what incentive is there for him to change his ways now? What exactly do you think the trigger will be for the lightbulb to go off in his head and make him realise none of this is OK?

if he ever does anything like this again it’s over for my kids sake, although I know I’ve said this last time he verbally abused me and my mum.

And then you'll say it the next time. And the time after that. Then the time after that. And it will keep going on and escalating and becoming more and more normalised to you and your children until, maybe, eventually, you do leave, but by that time, your children will have been living in a home with an abuser, watching him abuse you and their grandmother, being scared and confused and growing up knowing that you can't defend them from it, and either suffering abuse from him themselves or feeling like they need to become your protectors and putting themselves at risk to defend you. None of that is good for them and only you can change it, because he will not.

I'm not saying this to be cruel, Op but you need to open your eyes to the damage this is doing to them already. He is not a 'good dad'. Good dads don't terrify their children or abuse them and their mother.

I don't doubt that you love him at all. It's ok to love him and to grieve for the relationship. No one thinks you're stupid, or weak. You're a victim of abuse, and leaving a relationship like this is not easy.

You have been given so many genuinely incredible recommendations above that women in your position have used to finally free themselves - you are not alone in this. But if you stay, you are knowingly putting your children at risk from him. You are making a conscious choice to allow him to abuse you, and them (because screaming and swearing in front of them is abuse even if not directed at them) 'just one more time', because you think you can change him, even though there hasn't been any indication he will, or even wants to, change.

How could that possibly be worth the risk? Their safety and protection from trauma comes above your desire for a family unit, even if you want that unit for them. Would you trade their safety for anything else? Of course not. Only you can decide when enough is enough, and there should only be one answer.

Please, Op, for your sake theirs, please leave him.

If my husband grabbed my throat one time I'd never see him in the same way again. If he called my mum a cunt and threw a mug at her I could never get over that.If I saw my children crying in fear is know what I had to do.
It doesn't matter if he's often a lovely guy (most people aren't purely evil), it doesn't matter if he only loses it sometimes. The fact is that these incidents have happened repeatedly and will continue to do so.
I've been with DH 21 years and of course we've had arguments like all couples. But he has not once laid a hand on me, he has never disrespected my parents, he has never lost control. You know who your husband is. You know he won't change yet you keep giving him more chances.
Ok so you love him? So what? That's no reason to be tied to him.for the rest of your life and to subject your children to his toxic behaviour, to his rages, his abuse of their mother and grandmother. He may not have started on them yet but if he can't control his temper,if he can't stand being challenged then he will.
I loved my alcoholic,depressive,abusive ex but "love" is not a reason to stay in a dangerous,damaging situation. Life isn't a Disney film.

I am an autistic adult and am on antidepressants and waiting for high intensity therapy. I am also Mum to an adult with autism.

This is absolutely abuse and the mental health and autism (there is no such thing as an Aspergers diagnose anymore if you are in the UK) is absolutely no excuse.
He is a nasty bully and needs anger management.
The fact he has been willing to show this behaviour in front of your Mum intensifies the fact for me that I would never go back as usually these people at least try to appear like they are great to other people.

Ok, it’s clear he is abusive.you need to exit the relationship

you should not be ringing his parents. They will, naturally, want to lean towards needing to support him - very few parents would have instinct to do otherwise in this situation. If he is threatening violence, or is violent you call the police

however, as an aside, I think you need to be aware that in future relationships yours and your own mother’s involvement needs to be re-examined. I’m a neat freak, but even I’d have a big problem with one of my ILs telling me what I can and can’t do in my own home. That’s way breaking boundaries. Even if she was doing cleaning. Similalry you shouldn’t be letting your mum debate or comment with any partner over how they parent or their parenteral choices. Not their monkey, not their circus. Right now you’re going to need your mums support, so not something to raise. But for your own future happiness if you hav3 another relationship, put down some boundaries over her involvement in your life. Frankly a MIL being around multiple times a week and acting in that way would drive even the nicest person up the wall.

I've never been in an abusive relationship before but I know it cannot be easy to walk away from someone you love. However, violence and rage isn't love, he is showing you who he is. I wouldn't live with someone like that, he is a poor role model for your children. Please show them that this behaviour is unacceptable and leave him, no matter how hard it may be.

Ffs, this is abuse op,stop defending him. Do you really want your children to be raised by a guy who attacks you and their grandmother?

I am hoping maybe he realises he has caused so much pain over nothing and that he has really upset his young children seeing him like this.

He knows - he thinks you, your kids and your mum deserved this, for the unforgivable crime of not pandering to Him, when He is the important one around here. This is meant to be your punishment for being insubordinate.

I hope he seeks help or his parents get him help

His parents have said they aren’t going to, and he clearly has no interest in doing this.

and he can learn to control his temper and be the lovely man I love and know and not have anymore of these break downs

These aren’t breakdowns, these are punishments to keep you in line. They are entirely within his control. He is choosing to do this.

I'm not meaning to be horrible here and I am sorry for what you are going through but you are not safeguarding your children, staying in a relationship with this man. You are putting him first. You need to leave because this will only escalate and social care will end up getting involved and you have the potential of losing your children if you choose to stay in a relationship with him as you are not putting their safety first.

@Appleofmyeye2023 there’s a good chance OP’s DM comes around so often to try to moderate the abuse - she may think there is less chance of the DH killing her daughter if she is present in the house at the time. She might be completely different with a non-abusive spouse who she trusts around her daughter and grandchildren.

This. Your children should come before anything and you are failing in this.

He is abusive and violent. They should be protected from him.