Is this domestic abuse and what should I do?

[Feelingvulnerable1992]

My partner has a temper and is very opinionated. He has lost his job for the second time now, and a new employer during an interview asked if he is aware he clashes with people. He has never liked my mum, often jealous of our close relationship and the fact that I see her most days. He also used to gamble but has promised me he no longer does, he sought help for his temper and is on anti depressents and a wait list (2 years!) for an Asperger’s / mental health assessment.

long story short, he lost some important documents I’m not sure if they relate to gambling but he has used them for previous jobs. So he woke in a foul mood despite being really nice to be around the past few weeks on his new meds. When I came home (I had to get my car MOT because he doesn’t drive as yet) he had dressed our children in tracksuits. I only made a casual comment about ‘why have you put them in that for it’s sunny out!’ And he was so angry at me, he can’t take criticism it was just a passing comment. My mum was over and when she arrived she said the same thing oh he needs a t shirt on then she heard him going on and on at me that he had checked the weather and it wasn’t going to be warm later and basically going at me because of my mum saying it too. She came in the front room and said what’s wrong? I wasn’t blaming anyone just said he needs a t shirt and that’s when he exploded. Oh here she is getting herself involved again!! I’m his dad ! Keep your nose out of it!! She was so taken aback as had said it nicely to try help as could tell his in a foul mood. He shouted abuse at her and naturally she defended herself. It ended up with him calling her an interfering c*nt, making my children cry as he doesn’t just shout he was roaring. He threw my sons cup at my mum during the ‘row’ which smashed and luckily wasn’t glass. He then broke my phone charger and made a hole in the wall. I called his dad to ask to get him but he couldn’t so his mum then called me on what’s app and heard him going crazy. She was so upset saying calm down, please speak to me etc he refused to and said he won’t speak to his dad either as he doesn’t listen.

anyway I’ve text his parents since as I’ve removed myself and my children from the situation and staying at my mums. This isn’t the first time he has exploded and his temper is uncontrollable. His mother hasn’t replied to any of my texts addressing what his done wrong, she did call on what’s app saying sorry hope you are ok etc she is not sure what’s happening (as I said he needs help) how he was behaving it was like he should have been sectioned.

I’ve told him before if he ever disrespects my mum again it is over , my mum isn’t perfect but she did nothing wrong at all. Sometimes she does get involved with her opinion when maybe she could have left it but that’s the way she is and he knows that. He does hateful things like my mum cleans my cooker hob for me and asked my partner to not leave things on top of it and he then proceeds to make sure he always leaves things on it.

anyway I haven’t kept his short really but I know his parents are aware of his temper as he has been in trouble with it in the past and they aren’t replying to me as don’t want to risk not seeing their gran kids if we split up. So I know they will not be any support to me if anything was to happen.

ive Looked into domestic abuse, as he has smashed things in my home before, snatched my phone, threw a towel at me in his temper; grabbed my throat. All prior to having children and seeking support for his temper which I believe he had changed.

as I said he can be really nice and a great partner and dad but he has this temper issue.

it hasn’t crept up again until now and I know I can’t allow it in front of my children. If he reacts like this over losing a few documents how would he react in a real crisis? I also don’t want to kick him out and then he say it’s his word against mine etc. my main priority are my children and his mother would love to get a hand on my kids she is so controlling. She has already made sure her nephews children are with him and not the mother - she plays the system etc. so I want to make sure if anything did happen that I gave evidence. Is there anyone who could help me how to do this legally?

i love this man. I am hoping maybe he realises he has caused so much pain over nothing and that he has really upset his young children seeing him like this. I hope he seeks help or his parents get him help and he can learn to control his temper and be the lovely man I love and know and not have anymore of these break downs. I also know that this may not happen as most abusers blame rather than feel guilt etc. if he ever does anything like this again it’s over for my kids sake, although I know I’ve said this last time he verbally abused me and my mum. So I don’t want to be this weak woman who never leaves.

I also don’t want to just walk away without legal advice with my kids. And I also still really pray that maybe he can get the right help and be the lovely partner who I love when he isn’t in a temper. TIa please no judgey comments xx

OP my mother has never been a great support but she dinned into me, "the day a man lays a finger on you is the day you leave and come home". As her mother did with her and her mother's mother did before her.

You have your mum. Stay with her.

Op please don't allow him another chance this is domestic abuse, very bad abuse.

He will never be able to be trusted.

There are no excuses.

Disconnect on all levels from him.

I am sorry but you can move on to a better life without him.

These lovely moments you’re talking about , he isn’t lovely he’s an abuser . Abusers are completely nice then start abusing this is why ppl struggle to leave them . This is part of the game . You need to leave now not next time , next time may be too late for late for you . You will never change him it’s as simple as that .

This!!!

I think many victims of domestic violence and domestic abuse tend to focus on the "lovely moments" and "when he's being a good husband/father" as way of coping with the bad moments and when he's being a monster;it's why so many women stay as they always sadly hope the monster will become a prince permanently but as we all know;it never happens but it's just enough to keep the victims clinging on to these bastards.

As a mental health nurse I am happy to suggest a diagnosis, he has a personality disorder. He wasn't having a breakdown he was in control of his behaviour and chose to behave as he did. There is no magic pill for him to take, he will continue with this pattern of hostility and abuse. Your children are being exposed to Adverse childhood experiences (ACE's) the more children are exposed to these the more likely they are to experience relationship difficulties and are at greater risk of then developing personality disorders themselves. leave him for the sake of your children.

You love him ... but it is too dangerous for you or your children to live with him.

He loses control in front of other adults and your children.
He smashes objects
He grabs your throat (consider why that and not your wrist or shoulder or waist)

It is really sad to have to leave but you cannot be safe with him no matter what he promises or how good his intentions.

I struggle with this. Because I know he can genuinely be caring and a nice person. So when people say comments like - how do you love this monster and he isn’t lovely. But he is? And it’s genuine when he is. He has a bad temper that’s his issue. That’s why he snaps and once he sees red he loses control. I’ve taken myself and my children away from the situation. I guess I’m just hoping someone can say that their abusive partner got help and changed. Surely they can change? If they want to. If it means losing their entire life and family? It’s hard to see him as purely a monster because there are times when he has really been there for me. I can’t see it as black and white. If he was purely a monster I would never have been with him in the first place. Just to add he ‘grabbed my throat’ over 6 years ago and never has since. He knew one more time and I was gone. Yes I may have been silly to stay but no-one knows him on here and he is a nice person. I’m sure he deeply regrets his temper too (I hope!) but I know if he doesn’t seek help it’s over. Not only for my children’s sake but mine and my poor mums too.

although I do admit he often says he has never been like this before (I know he has - excluded from college due to threatening a teacher in his temper, breaking a laptop in his temper etc) and says it’s mine or my mums fault for goading him. When really all we do is stand up to him; whereas his mother takes his abuse and says nothing.

Anyone who puts their hands around you throat is a potential murderer.
Please listen to the good advice here and beware of the very nasty man.

They NEVER EVER EVER CHANGE!!!
🤦🏻‍♀️ please do some research, he is not lovely in the slightest it’s all an act to keep you in line and when you step out of line or don’t do what he wants then the ‘red mist’ happens, he’s choosing to do this to dominate you and your mother to keep you both in line.
If he respected you he wouldn’t treat both of you like this, especially in front of your children.
I despair I really do, the behaviours in abusive men are all the same hence why everyone is telling you how this is going to go, it doesn’t matter if we don’t know him in real life, the fundamental behaviours are still the same in all ABUSIVE men

Yes I may have been silly to stay but no-one knows him on here and he is a nice person. I’m sure he deeply regrets his temper too (I hope!) but I know if he doesn’t seek help it’s over. Not only for my children’s sake but mine and my poor mums too.

So he blames women for his behaviour? You made him do it, did you? As did your mum? Did the teacher make him do it, too?

I wonder if your children will have made him do it too, when he starts on them. Because he will…

He’s not even bothering to hide from the abuser cliches he’s using.

Why can’t you see?

I’m so sorry, you are a victim, but you are currently an utter, utter fool. You need to protect your children. My god.

I guess I’m just hoping someone can say that their abusive partner got help and changed.

No and no

Surely they can change?

Not without wanting to, most of them just want you to shut up and stop ‘nagging’ them. Life would be perfect if you stopped ‘nagging’, or at least that’s why I was told.

If they want to. If it means losing their entire life and family?

Nope nope and more nope.

and says it’s mine or my mums fault for goading him.

It’s always someone else’s fault. Usually a woman’s. When my ex wasn’t getting shitty with me, the main cause of his strife was his boss at work. Also female. And in his previous job, the worst manager, the one he simply couldn’t get along with? Big surprise, also a woman.

Who do you want to be op? Your own person or the fixer for someone else’s story? This isn’t Disney, he’s not going to stop being a beast for the love of a true woman. You need to face reality, you’re not going to fix him with steadfast faith and perseverance. It’s not going to happen.

Absolutely domestic abuse.
For context, my husband is an ex boxer. Big, intimidating man. He disagrees with my Mum a lot (she is very controlling about having everything her way). Guess what he does when she advises him? Calmly walks away and bites his tongue or once again, calmly disagrees.
Because only abusive men scream at women.
I would suggest the "needing help" with a diagnosis is a convenient stalling tactic and behaviour excuser.
You did the right thing staying at your mum's 💕. Keep yourself and your children safe.

@Feelingvulnerable1992 I work as a family safeguarding lead in a substance misuse service, most of the families I work with also have domestic violence involved. I've done this job for over 10 years. I can honestly say I have never known a perpetrator to change, no matter how many anger management or domestic violence perpetrator courses they have been on. The abuse just gets worse and worse. You've already shown him you won't leave, he's had outbursts since he tried to strangle you and you're still there. I've known women killed by men, who stay because they think they will chnage. He doesn't love you, if he did he wouldn't behave like this towards you, he has power and control over you. You need to get yourself onto the freedom programme for a start. Contact your local refuge outreach service or women's centre for advice. They'll tell you everything everybody on here is telling you.
You will end up losing your children if you stay because you aren't putting their welfare first. Domestic abuse can be a learnt behaviour: do you want your son to grow up thinking it's normal to treat women like this or your daughter to be in a relationship where she thinks it's normal for her to be treated this way? This is what you are doing to your kids.
As the above poster said about the trauma the children are experiencing, you are setting them up to fail. If a child experiences ACE'e they are more likely to grow up and experience mental health issues, be a victim of domestic violence themselves or be involved in crime, amongst other things.
Put your children first, not your relationship. You're their mother, that is your job.

He isn't a nice man. If he was nice he would be horrified by his own behaviour instead of blaming other people for it. He thinks he's entitled to act this way. How the fuck do you think he will change if he doesn't even own his own behaviour?
A pill might calm the rage but it won't change the lack of accountability!

My parents are like him. None of us three siblings have seen them for years, they have never met any of our children. Have a think about that, your children have the right to do the same as we have. Go off and create our own safe and happy families, completely shunning the toxic parents.
People who refuse to acknowledge their own shit behaviour so what is the point of even trying with them?
You are choosing this scary man who has terrifying tantrums over their safety and emotional wellbeing.
I'd say that is toxic too.

Please read this

https://www.shortform.com/pdf/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-lundy-bancroft

I’m wondering if you could help with some advise as another major fear of mine is if I leave with the kids, he will lie about everything and make me out to be some kind of psycho and then end up having custody of my kids? What can I do now to ensure that when I do leave that he cannot twist things around. As I wouldn’t leave my children in his care without being there myself. I’ve watched films where the father wins custody and makes out the mother is a liar and mad etc. this terrifies me. My babies are my whole life my world. Think that’s part of the reason I’m so afraid. I think he can be real nasty if it came to it. Should I take photos of the hole in the wall? Should I get a recording where he admits what he has done. As at the moment he hasn’t said a word to me.

these weak women who stay in abusive relationships

these women are not weak. They are terrorised and brainwashed. And you are too.

two women a week in the UK are killed by their partners. Of course this needs to be the end. But compassion to you for the difficulty in making that move when you’re under the mental and physical cudgel of him. Please also apply compassion to those you dismiss as weak. That was me once and it took huge effort and pain to realise I was being abused and then to leave because I was terrified and destroyed mentally. Every warm wish and hope to you from me. Please don’t dismiss other abused women as weak!

Take photos but do not record him. Keep all communication through text. Likelihood is that he’ll not be able not to start an argument on that platform. Don’t rise to him, just be clear and factual - ‘I can’t carry on being with you, you’ve made holes in my wall, you’ve put your hands on my neck, you’ve verbally abused me and my mum and these lines crossed means I can’t be around you anymore. It’s going to have a severe effect on the kids, it’s not what I want them to see. I’ve asked you to get help and instead you just blame us for your explosive anger.’.

I’m wondering if you could help with some advise as another major fear of mine is if I leave with the kids, he will lie about everything and make me out to be some kind of psycho and then end up having custody of my kids? What can I do now to ensure that when I do leave that he cannot twist things around. As I wouldn’t leave my children in his care without being there myself. I’ve watched films where the father wins custody and makes out the mother is a liar and mad etc. this terrifies me. My babies are my whole life my world. Think that’s part of the reason I’m so afraid. I think he can be real nasty if it came to it. Should I take photos of the hole in the wall? Should I get a recording where he admits what he has done. As at the moment he hasn’t said a word to me.

Take photos by all means but you have all you need.
Do not return to this relationship.
He will promise you the world when he loses his grip. Hold firm, he will then show himself again when he realises that hasn’t worked.

You can do this OP.

Your mum is a witness to prove that you are not lying.

Take photos of what you can, keep your communication to him in writing.

When I left my ex he made a series of apologies, admitting what he'd done, I kept them. We don't have kids so I didn't really need them, have never used them, but something like that could be useful for you.

Any other witnesses you might have, speak to them now about what you are planning. Do not tell anyone in his family, despite what they have witnessed, but keep any of your communication with them about the situation.

Your kids are also witnesses, if it came down to a custody battle with abuse involved, I would assume that someone in social services would ask your children (tactfully) what they have witnessed. I'm not sure 100% on this, so someone may correct me, but I would hope this is the case.

Report him to the police for assault. Get your mum to do the same.

I’m sure he deeply regrets his temper too (I hope!)

OP, there is literally nothing to suggest this, in either his actions or his words. He tells you it is entirely your fault, not his. He does it repeatedly. Does that sounds like somebody filled with regret to you?

Needed to hear this. I would be horrified if I did anything like he did.

I am not with him, I’m away at my mums with my children. I’ve spoken to his parents who so far haven’t been much support at all. I popped back yesterday and the mother had left him new socks, pants and shorts! I have asked them to intervene and given them the chance. I either could have called them or the police. I have given them the chance to speak to him and for him to get some serious help. I’ve even sent details of a psychiatrist who he could go to see with me and I could explain everything to them what he has done. He is just such an angry person and he keeps things in his head from the past then when angry brings them up again! From years ago etc. my mum can be opinionated and sometimes will say her opinion whereas his parents never say a thing so that’s why he hates her. Sometimes yes it’s uncalled for, but his reaction is not right. He always blames her or me because if he has upset me I can have a nasty tongue too but it’s still no excuse to be abusive.

my main priority is my children. I’m not going back until he gets help. If not I will report to the police. I also noticed he started to hum under his breath when I returned home briefly to pick up some of my children’s things. I couldn’t believe it. Instead of being sorry he was humming as if to make a point he isn’t bothered. I’m starting to see that he is horrible.

was his nice side all fake? How can someone be fake 24/7. I’m really sad that the nice him may not be real.

Report to the police. Then there will be at least something on record if you choose to leave him. Forget about his parents, they can’t change a brown adult, just like you can’t. Put your children first and leave him for good. Your children must of been petrified, something like that will never leave them.