DH assumes all lost items are my fault.

[Curtainswithpompoms]

I’ve just arrived on holiday and have snapped at DH because for the 50 billionth time, he has implied that his missing shoe is my fault.

Every time he can’t find something, he really tensely asks me where it is as though I am the knower of all items in our shared world. Today saying, “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

Not only this, but he gets really irritable when he can’t find something immediately and it infuriates me that there’s always an accusatory tone when he asks where the lost thing is.

AIBU to snap at him on day 1 of our family holiday and tell him I’m sick of his accusations?

(within my snapping included a swipe from me about maybe if he actually helped to tidy up then he would know where things are).

DD asleep and DH currently asleep at 15:42.

Sometimes I despair of being married because it seems it means putting up with shit like this. Walking on eggshells and accommodating everyone’s various dispositions.

Is a more enlightened way of responding that anyone can suggest!?

LTB?

Next time he snaps at you say calmly that’s not a nice tone to use why are you speaking to me like that? Get him to reflect on how he’s talking to you rather than being defensive and throwing something back because then it can all too easily get turned onto you being out of order. If that’s your first response there’s nowhere to go.

Thank you. Yes, not my finest hour. I just felt frustrated and wanted him to be nice!

Walking on eggshells sounds a bit more serious than a “missing items” squabble.

Is this the tip of the iceberg?

Oh my oh my! First day of your hols is the most stressful day in many ways. I'm sure , fingers crossed, things will settle.
However, through these stressful times i.e. in your case the first day of your hols, peoples true colours are revealed. So pay attention I say. I can completely get your annoyance. I know what that accusatory tone is like very much so. Know that he is blame shifting and transferring his anger onto you ..if you'll allow it. Don't allow it. Take accountability/responsibility for your own mistakes and NO ONE else's. When you adopt that stance/belief and then are met with another person who tries on that blame shifting/accusatory tone with you, because you won't buy into it and you'll know that shit belongs to the other person, your tone/response will change organically/authentically. You'll become untouchable. Remain consistent with that and those accusatory remarks will slowly but surely disappear and stop coming your way!
Have a nice holiday!!

My answer to 'have you seen'. 'Where's x' is 'no' followed by zero effort to look interested/help find said item.

I got sick and tired of grunt expected to know where everything was. I normally did because I paid attention or would be able to make a good guess. No-one ever did this for me. So now I default to 'no'.

I also have stopped finding things for them
In the fridge/freezer because they can't be bothered to move a few items.

I just don't care!

Why are you walking on eggshells?

Same. I used to get involved in finding the lost thing but I now don’t bother. He’s an adult, he can find it.

This happens to me often because 90% of the time I'm the one who tidies up. I assume you are too, as I think probably are most women in relationships with men. Because if you don't do, it doesn't get done? And you're not happy living in a pigsty.

Pisses me off to the max. I usually just rip him a new one for speaking to me like a dickhead, find said thing (which is usually in plain sight or somewhere that it makes perfect sense for it to be), chuck it at him and wait for the apology.

I do love my other half, honest. Sometimes he's just a twat.

I need to adopt this attitude! I get far too annoyed for my own good.

This is the only thing I can honestly say annoys me about my DH and we have been together 17yrs!

He can’t find a pair of white socks, he is barely looking, but huffs and says his things always go missing, yeah probably because I refuse to put your laundry away. He usually finds them at the bottom of the bed or underneath something else but it makes My blood boil.

Just take yourself off to the pool- I would!

Sit him down.

Tell him you will not touch a single thing of his from now on.

This means he alone will be responsible for all of his clothes, footwear, outerwear, keys, phone, hats, gloves, important letters from the post, etc. He will wash, dry, fold, iron, and put away all his own laundry. He will put his own keys/ phone, etc away. If you ever go away again on holiday, he will find and pack all of his own things.

Meanwhile, you will deal with your own things, and the stuff that belongs to the actual children.

You will no longer respond to questions relating to the whereabouts of his stuff because he is a grownup who is capable of doing better. He needs to develop some self-respect. Also, full-on irritated-teenager-letting-mum-have-it-from-both-barrels mode is deeply unattractive.
.........
The subtext of his mini tantrums is that you're an incompetent idiot who makes his life difficult and frustrating. Don't let him get away with that sort of accusation.

YANBU to be really annoyed.
YABU not to tackle it head on. You're going to have to explicitly teach him how to treat you.

Tell him to buy himself some AirTags then he can track everything he owns to his hearts content.

Does anyone think husbands actually want a mother for a wife?

teach him how to treat you.

Here here!

My husband does this too

Have you tried... talking to him about how you feel?

Thank you all.
Out of the pair of us, I am the messier one but I also have more things to manage because I’ve got all of DD’s stuff to think about too.
I work full time, he works part time. I booked the holiday, the ferry, cleaned the house from top to bottom before we left including changing the beds. I filled my tyres with air, the tank with fuel and oil, he has really done nothing but sorted himself out.
I hope it all calms down.
The holiday aspect of our relationship is the most contentious because he seems to lack the executive function/inclination to organise anything to do with it.

I hate feeling like I’m the only one invested in creating nice experiences for DD. It’s lonely and makes me feel like a single parent.

So in summary you work full time, he works part time, yet you’re doing the majority of the drudge ?

He really must have a fantastic penis OP because his contribution in other areas seems a bit pathetic.

I know how u feel. With all due respect I have made these same mistakes u have...taking on MORE than your share. It build up resentment. Start doing less, if he's a good guy deep down he's make changes. If he's not...you need to see that too

Yes sod that for a game of soldiers- I would be outlining clearly what you need him to do for himself because you aren’t his mother, cleaner or secretary.

My husband is like this but he phrases it "someone has moved..." and I know he means me. I used to help hunt for the item (usually something of his) but now I say I'm sure it will turn up when you remember where you left it. When he eventually finds it he never apologises for blaming me. He also can't move things in a cupboard to find things further back.

@Thirty5

We are married to twins separated at birth. I feel your pain.

@Curtainswithpompoms i thought I’d posted this when I saw your title, but it seems not a minor irritant but a more underlying issue?

Oh god, I have one of these, but his automatic response is that 'the kids must have taken it.' The youngest moved out 11 years ago!
Him: 'I can't find ....'
Me: Sorry, crystal ball is out of action
Him: very funny, well I can't find ....,
Me: Well, it will be where you put it. There's no-one else here
Him: the kids must have taken it when they came over
Me: don't be ridiculous
'

I am guilty of assuming that all lost items are my partner's fault. He often tidies and organises things around me so I assumed he had moved stuff I needed but am realising that actually most of the time it's not something he's moved. And now I've realised I try hard to bite my tongue when my instinct is to accuse him of moving something.

Just keep pointing out to him that it's not your fault/not something you've moved. 'Why are you assuming I'm the one that did something with the boot'? 'No I don't know where the boot is, where do you think you put it?' 'No, you've seen it more recently than I have'.

Just keep pointing out and he might get the message.