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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH assumes all lost items are my fault.

93 replies

Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 15:42

I’ve just arrived on holiday and have snapped at DH because for the 50 billionth time, he has implied that his missing shoe is my fault.

Every time he can’t find something, he really tensely asks me where it is as though I am the knower of all items in our shared world. Today saying, “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

Not only this, but he gets really irritable when he can’t find something immediately and it infuriates me that there’s always an accusatory tone when he asks where the lost thing is.

AIBU to snap at him on day 1 of our family holiday and tell him I’m sick of his accusations?

(within my snapping included a swipe from me about maybe if he actually helped to tidy up then he would know where things are).

DD asleep and DH currently asleep at 15:42.

Sometimes I despair of being married because it seems it means putting up with shit like this. Walking on eggshells and accommodating everyone’s various dispositions.

Is a more enlightened way of responding that anyone can suggest!?

OP posts:
BrioLover · 28/07/2023 16:23

Argh yes I have this too, drives me batshit. I've started responding with "you know I don't touch your stuff" and then leaving the room or area so that I don't bite back further.

There are currently three pairs of trainers in our living room and some dirty clothes on the banister because I adhere to the 'not touching his stiff' rule... and arguably I'm the more messy one (but yet I can still find things)!

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 16:24

Why are you with this useless twat?

BrioLover · 28/07/2023 16:25

Wow what a typo. STUFF. I don't touch his stuff.

HereComesTheSunBriefly · 28/07/2023 16:25

@BrioLover ahaha great typo... assuming it is a typo? 😂

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/07/2023 16:29

BrioLover · 28/07/2023 16:23

Argh yes I have this too, drives me batshit. I've started responding with "you know I don't touch your stuff" and then leaving the room or area so that I don't bite back further.

There are currently three pairs of trainers in our living room and some dirty clothes on the banister because I adhere to the 'not touching his stiff' rule... and arguably I'm the more messy one (but yet I can still find things)!

I wouldn't touch his stiff until he learns to tidy up after himself, either.

Screwballs · 28/07/2023 16:34

mathanxiety · 28/07/2023 15:58

Sit him down.

Tell him you will not touch a single thing of his from now on.

This means he alone will be responsible for all of his clothes, footwear, outerwear, keys, phone, hats, gloves, important letters from the post, etc. He will wash, dry, fold, iron, and put away all his own laundry. He will put his own keys/ phone, etc away. If you ever go away again on holiday, he will find and pack all of his own things.

Meanwhile, you will deal with your own things, and the stuff that belongs to the actual children.

You will no longer respond to questions relating to the whereabouts of his stuff because he is a grownup who is capable of doing better. He needs to develop some self-respect. Also, full-on irritated-teenager-letting-mum-have-it-from-both-barrels mode is deeply unattractive.
.........
The subtext of his mini tantrums is that you're an incompetent idiot who makes his life difficult and frustrating. Don't let him get away with that sort of accusation.

YANBU to be really annoyed.
YABU not to tackle it head on. You're going to have to explicitly teach him how to treat you.

I was with you until you suggested she's responsible for herself and the kids. Sod that. He can be responsible for the kids stuff going forward, I'm sure that give him more incentive to look before he asks next time.

shineonyoucrazydiamondd · 28/07/2023 16:41

Argh, my husband does this. He blames every single thing he loses on me. Always my fault, ever single time. No advice but sympathies OP

bagforlifeamnesty · 28/07/2023 16:45

My DH has a tendency to ask “where have you put my black trainers”
and I reply with
“I think what you mean is ‘I can’t find my black trainers, please could you help me look for them?’”

If he refuses to repeat what I’ve said then I don’t engage or reply to him 👍

GIorious · 28/07/2023 16:46

Mine does this. If he can't find something he tells me I've moved it and is quite insistent. As if I don't have better things to do than go around the house moving his stuff for fun! He also tells me I've lost his washing when he can't find a shirt or trousers - when I look, hey presto, there it is exactly where I hung it away or put it in his drawer!

Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2023 16:47

Oh OP , he's playing a blinder on you.

You do everything in the home.
You do everything child related.
You do all the admin/organising.
You work full time.

He works parttime.
He blames you.

Original poster
Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 16:48

He’s in a huff now because I got spicy with him.
I’ve just taken DD to a beach cafe for chips and am determined we will have a lovely time regardless of his bad mood.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2023 16:51

Put DD first and centre during this holiday and he can tag along (or not). Get through this break and decide what you want to do when you get home. Marriage counselling might be a good start.

Any reason he only works parttime or does nothing in the home...you know, like a traumatic car accident?

zooopta · 28/07/2023 16:51

It's HIS shoe!! Ffs

TheBeautifulLisette · 28/07/2023 16:53

Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 16:48

He’s in a huff now because I got spicy with him.
I’ve just taken DD to a beach cafe for chips and am determined we will have a lovely time regardless of his bad mood.

Let me get this straight OP: he’s in a huff because you made it clear to him that it was not fair to blame you for his missing shoe?

Is DD his child? I assume not, seeing as you say you’re responsible for all her stuff as well. And he works part-time and you full-time.

Does he have SN or other health challenges? (Not a mocking question, a serious one.)

Original poster
Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 16:55

Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2023 16:47

Oh OP , he's playing a blinder on you.

You do everything in the home.
You do everything child related.
You do all the admin/organising.
You work full time.

He works parttime.
He blames you.

It’s not quite true.
His work pattern is as it is to ensure that DD is able to be in her home before and after school.
(I’m a teacher).
During Term-Time he holds the fort in terms of meals/ organising DD and he does way more bedtimes and bath times than me.
I was just feeling overwhelmed by the load having almost exclusively shifted on to me over the past few weeks and the straw that broke the camel’s back was him having a huff about his shoe. Find your own Fucking shoe I felt like screaming into the void!

OP posts:
TheBeautifulLisette · 28/07/2023 16:57

Why has the load shifted to you?

RosieBurdock · 28/07/2023 17:00

That sounds annoying op. My late dh did it once, but it wasn't a regular thing. (He was convinced I must have sucked up the kids' Switch chip thing in the hoover as it was lost.) After he died I found it in a box but obviously couldnt say I told you so!

UpaladderwatchingTV · 28/07/2023 17:06

OP, this may go against all the other responses you've had, but in order not to ruin the entire holiday, might it be worth you apologising for snapping at him about the lost shoe, and then, maybe go for a walk, during which you discuss why you get so cross about him losing things and blaming you.

Circumferences · 28/07/2023 17:12

My DH is just like this!

I've been in three serious relationships.

My first BF would say in a normal tone "by any chance have you seen my whatever it is" I'd then sometimes offer to help look if I had the time or inclination. In my opinion this is a normal approach.

My next BF after him would say "I can't believe I've lost my something important please can you help look!" And get really irate at himself.

My current DH is more like "you've moved my important thing! (car keys/gloves/shoe/etc etc) you have to look for this very important thing right this instant or tell me where you put it" while I'm like I literally never saw it!! It's so fucking annoying, like I'm responsible for all his stuff. He gets irate about losing stuff but blames me fgs. It's so bloody annoying. Why did I end up with this type of bloke!!!

decaffonlypls · 28/07/2023 17:18

I get this although not the snappiness. I say "I'm am not the keeper of lost things. I don't know where your shoe is. " tbh I even say it when I know where things are. To encourage them to search themselves rather than ask.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2023 17:30

I was just feeling overwhelmed by the load having almost exclusively shifted on to me over the past few weeks and the straw that broke the camel’s back was him having a huff about his shoe.

Thanks for the clarification as this makes your marriage a lot better and salvageable. If you can't find a way to talk to him about this when you get home then I would seriously consider counselling. You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes the norm.

I have recently started doing what other people suggest and it's liberating.
No, I don't know.
No, I haven't seen it.
And don't help until they say please can you help me find it.

Have a lovely holiday !

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 28/07/2023 18:30

About 10 years ago I had enough.
The answer to "where is?" is always "I don't know".
This was after a week of being asked where stuff was. If I told them, they still couldn't find. So I just thought fuck them all.

cruisebaba1 · 28/07/2023 18:45

Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 15:42

I’ve just arrived on holiday and have snapped at DH because for the 50 billionth time, he has implied that his missing shoe is my fault.

Every time he can’t find something, he really tensely asks me where it is as though I am the knower of all items in our shared world. Today saying, “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

Not only this, but he gets really irritable when he can’t find something immediately and it infuriates me that there’s always an accusatory tone when he asks where the lost thing is.

AIBU to snap at him on day 1 of our family holiday and tell him I’m sick of his accusations?

(within my snapping included a swipe from me about maybe if he actually helped to tidy up then he would know where things are).

DD asleep and DH currently asleep at 15:42.

Sometimes I despair of being married because it seems it means putting up with shit like this. Walking on eggshells and accommodating everyone’s various dispositions.

Is a more enlightened way of responding that anyone can suggest!?

Leave

Zanatdy · 28/07/2023 18:48

My mum always gets the blame for missing items, not by me but my dad, her grandson etc! It’s not always her fault, she does move stuff though. Yes snap at him if he’s being rude to you

FinallyHere · 28/07/2023 18:54

I put an air tag on his keys, wallet and set up phone on find my phone. Anything else, he can find himself 😁