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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH assumes all lost items are my fault.

93 replies

Curtainswithpompoms · 28/07/2023 15:42

I’ve just arrived on holiday and have snapped at DH because for the 50 billionth time, he has implied that his missing shoe is my fault.

Every time he can’t find something, he really tensely asks me where it is as though I am the knower of all items in our shared world. Today saying, “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

Not only this, but he gets really irritable when he can’t find something immediately and it infuriates me that there’s always an accusatory tone when he asks where the lost thing is.

AIBU to snap at him on day 1 of our family holiday and tell him I’m sick of his accusations?

(within my snapping included a swipe from me about maybe if he actually helped to tidy up then he would know where things are).

DD asleep and DH currently asleep at 15:42.

Sometimes I despair of being married because it seems it means putting up with shit like this. Walking on eggshells and accommodating everyone’s various dispositions.

Is a more enlightened way of responding that anyone can suggest!?

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 28/07/2023 18:55

Many a argument has been started by the words "where is my?"
On another posting a woman asked if she should just reply when queried by her husband about missing items: "how about I ask my magical uterus?"

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 19:29

He sounds like a stupid fucking sulky man baby.

He only works part time, you work part time and you still do everything?

Fuck him. What a prick.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 28/07/2023 19:31

Find his shoe and put it in an outside bin so the fucker had one shoe. But I’m petty 🤷🏼‍♀️

ohtowinthelottery · 28/07/2023 19:36

I've got 2 adult males that do this. My standard reply to accusations of "where have you put my ..........(insert random missing item) is "I haven't touched it, it must be where you left it". I don't engage any further until they've had a good look themselves then I might consider helping if asked nicely.

Createausername1970 · 28/07/2023 19:39

See through plastic stacking boxes with lids.

One in each room. All DH stuff left lying around gets chucked into these boxes. Sticky label on outside says "to be binned in October 23" (or date as appropriate). When full, put lid on, put next box on top.

Any "have you seen" can be answered with "if I have picked it up, it will be in your box"

When October comes around, give him the opportunity to look through the box, then bin the contents.

My DH is a lot tidier now - and even bought himself his own set of storage to sort out his tools and general man crap!

MillWood85 · 28/07/2023 19:49

I'd find his other shoe and hide that too.

How dare he blame you.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2023 19:53

I'd find his other shoe and hide that too.
😂😂

SunRainStorm · 28/07/2023 20:16

Personally I think getting visibly annoyed/snappy once in a while is a good thing. It's better than just pretending everything is fine and becoming more and more resentful.

He's started it by being grumpy with you for such a ridiculous reason.

Stick to your guns. Tell him it's not your problem, he's a grown man and he can find his own shoe.

It pisses me off that my magic uterus and I are somehow in charge of every object in the house. I've started pointing it out to DH. When new objects come into the house (eg children bring home a creation from school, guide book from real estate agent, present for him from his work) it will just sit on the countertop until I find a place for it. I've started to leave it there and then eventually say to DH 'whats your plan for this?'. He's always surprised, he is used to me dealing with everything and hasn't occurred to him that he has to find a place for it and put it away.

Would be wonderful to be a man and walk through life with my own unpaid personal assistant taking care of the tedious details.

Enjoy your holiday with DD.

Paq · 28/07/2023 20:40

I had the same with mine. Everything that wasn't exactly where he thought it should be was "what have you done with my...?" Drove me nuts. I'm sorry to say that after several gentle chats, then some sharp words, I completely lost my shit at him one day and screamed the place down.

He hasn't done it again.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2023 21:18

DH used to expect me to be the 'finder of all lost things' years ago and occasionally still tries the 'Where is my ....?' every so often, without really looking thoroughly first. I give him the stink eye, point to my lower abdomen and announce "The uterus is NOT a homing device". (Even if I DO know where whatever it is he's looking for is)

londonmummy1966 · 28/07/2023 21:27

The way to deal with this is always a ridiculous answer - where is x- 15th planet from the sun. Have you seen y -yes it was shagging the garden gnome etc etc.

Watchkeys · 29/07/2023 06:06

Find your own Fucking shoe I felt like screaming into the void

I think this void thing is what you need to sort out. If you feel like screaming, it's because you don't feel heard, but that's not because he doesn't listen, it's because you don't say. There's no need to scream anything. Have you sat him down and talked to him about this bothering you? Have you expressed how you feel, calmly and in an adult way? It sounds like you've had a tantrum and now he's sulking; you're dealing with relationship issues like children.

Yes, it's problematic if he keeps losing things and blaming you, but a big part of that problem becoming an ongoing resentment rather than a blip is you not talking to him like an adult.

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 06:53

Why does everyone leap to the extreme?

Just say "go and double check the boot" if it's not there say "I don't know then. I'm sure it'll turn up."

Easy peasy.

Watchkeys · 29/07/2023 08:09

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 06:53

Why does everyone leap to the extreme?

Just say "go and double check the boot" if it's not there say "I don't know then. I'm sure it'll turn up."

Easy peasy.

Possibly because people generally try these options before asking others for advice?

It's like if someone posted that they were insatiably hungry, you'd say 'Have you tried eating? It's so easy! Not sure why everyone is being so over-dramatic!'

There's an assumption that we're all making that you're not, which is that OP is capable of thinking of the simple and obvious things by herself.

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 08:11

@Watchkeys OP said that her immediate response was “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

That's not a helpful response so I don't think I can agree with you on that, although I understand that it is often the case

Begonne · 29/07/2023 08:42

walking on eggshells and putting up with different dispositions is not right.

As a mum it’s part of your job to call out unacceptable attitudes and behaviours in your dc.

As a partner in an adult relationship, it’s normal to have boundaries around how we’re treated and spoken to. It would be very unusual to have a partner that never crossed the line so managing your own boundaries is a very important contribution to the health of a relationship.

It’s key to be able to communicate with each other when lines are crossed. You’re right that it doesn’t have to be snappy. We do it with humour (Ok I’ll look but you owe me a euro if I find it first), with kindness (a kiss, or have a coffee and I’ll deal with this), a calm discussion, calling it out more bluntly, or snapping (because we’re human).

But feeling you need to walk on eggshells suggests something is wrong.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/07/2023 12:46

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 08:11

@Watchkeys OP said that her immediate response was “I put it in the boot but you moved the bags further forward and now it’s missing.”

That's not a helpful response so I don't think I can agree with you on that, although I understand that it is often the case

You need to re-read the post.

That was OPs DHs response. It was him complaining that OP shifted the suitcases around and she opened up a black hole for his shoe to fall in. Amazing how these black holes target the men's items. Very sexist of them if you think about it.

GoodChat · 29/07/2023 12:58

Oh you're right @Pixiedust1234, I misunderstood. Sorry OP.

Mrsmozza123 · 29/07/2023 17:21

I am working on my monkey management to stop me from owning the solution to every task or problem that arrises. The crux is monkeys=problems and that you can help people take care of their monkeys without taking full custody of the monkey https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey
As a people pleaser I used to instantly jump in and help with everything and feel guilty if I didn’t, do you think you may have a people pleasing personality and that you instantly feel burdened by the responsibility of someone’s problems as soon as they involve you?

A simple, ‘no, I’ll let you know if I see them’ would probably suffice.

another phrase I like is ‘I’m no longer doing the thinking for other people if they are capable of doing it themselves’

Management Time: Who’s Got the Monkey?

The burdens of subordinates always seem to end up on the manager’s back. Here’s how to get rid of them.

https://hbr.org/1999/11/management-time-whos-got-the-monkey

Jack80 · 29/07/2023 18:46

This is similar to me and my husband, I am a leave it so I can find it sort of person and he likes a place for everything, he moves things and I can’t find them then says why are you accusing me, when I didn’t move it and 9/10 he did and forgot or forgot where he moved it to. I now move my things so I can find them.

anon666 · 30/07/2023 15:46

Family holidays are breeding ground for all sorts of seemingly deal-breaking irritations.

I'd just tell him he does this, and that it's not ok.

End of.

Not worth breaking the family up over.

MullerInk · 30/07/2023 16:09

Haven't read the whole thread yet but my DP is like this. Drives me barmy.

SmellsLikeTeenSpirits · 30/07/2023 16:15

My DH does this too. It’s such a weird response to not being able to find something! I quite often can’t find things I use regularly (glasses, sunglasses, hairbrush usually) but I never assume that someone else has moved them to a secret hidden destination that I’ll never find without coordinates!

In recent months DH (who is most other regards reasonable and lovely) has suggested that the (young teen) kids have moved his car keys. And when he couldn’t find his passport or driving licence on same day - suggested we had been burgled 😆 (his passport was in the drawer where it always is). When we’re out and about and he can’t find something he’ll claim he gave it to me.

the best response I’ve seen on here to the ‘I can’t find xx’ dilemma is ‘ok, I’ll come look for it but if it’s where I already suggested it was/ always is - I get to punch you in the face’ 😆😆.

anyway - you’re not on your own. A holiday isn’t a holiday without some small row or other - stepping out of the ‘matrix’ is hard and people relax at different speeds. And there’s some good advice on here already x

LakieLady · 30/07/2023 16:29

My ex used to hold me responsible for the whereabouts of everything on the fucking planet.

When he found whatever he had accused me of putting away somewhere, he never mentioned it, and sometimes I would ask, and it would have turned up in his work van or his workshop at work, or somewhere else I had never been, and he still wouldn't accept responsibility for it. It would somehow be my fault.

It was so bloody wearing.

TLKlover · 30/07/2023 16:55

My husband does this. I don't help him anymore.

His looking is staring at the place where he thinks it is and hoping it magically appears.

Eldest teen daughter does this too. I often say to both of them, "use your hands aswell as your eyes, you might find them"

At a push, I'll go up to help my daughter (often with a rant about how her room needs tidying) but I don't do it with husband anymore. It is truly amazing what he finds all on his own when he actually moves stuff!