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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Been offered a free holiday club for DD and I feel guilty

83 replies

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 09:49

It’s the second year in a row she’s been offered it. DD is 9, about to start Year 5. It’s only offered to Key Stage 2 children.

DD has SN and a medical condition both caused by an unknown genetic issue. This causes speech delays, visual tracking issues, working memory and executive functioning issues. She also has muscle and joint issues and is prone to ear and throat infections due to an issue with her nose. She has an EHCP.

She’s generally a happy kid who’s always smiling.

The club is all for children with SN and/or medical issues, the clubs about prompting independence, time away from family, and having fun within your limits. They do craft, sports, and trips out to the park on a mini bus.

It’s completely free for up to 3 days per week per child (or 6 sessions a week, 2 sessions per day 9am-11.30am or 12.30-3.30pm) or you can pay £5 per session to use more than that. Lunch is included.

It’s all provided by the council.

I’ve asked school multiple times why DD qualifies and I just get “she meets the criteria, take it she’ll love it”. It’s actually really good, DD says she gets a choice of lunch or she can always ask me to provide her with one, she’s made friends who have similar diagnosis’ to her and the staff are amazing and so understanding – there’s no panic when DD disappears under the table at lunch (she’s not the only one) or if DD says she doesn’t want to do anything they just say that’s ok and to tell them if she changes her mind. She then sits quietly watching or doing a quiet activitiy inside. They also have a quiet hour at pick up times (so around12-1pm and then 3-4pm) where they sit and do quiet activities with the radio or cartoons on the TV.

But DD is the only one in her whole year from her school who goes. Last year there was a boy from her school from an older year (and we’ve seen him since he went to Secondary) but no-one else from her school even goes.

I can’t find what the criteria for an invite is as there’s DC in DDs class on EHCPs that don’t get the invite. There’s one child whose mum is insisting her DC has some form of SN telling me its unfair that DD “gets everything for free” and it makes me feel bad that DD gets this every year. I can’t say the girl has SN but the mum seems frustrated that no-ones listening to her and yet here DD is with an EHCP for what the school describe as “mild but complex medical needs” – my own DD doesn’t have 1-1 apart from for changing for PE (she does this in another room) and moving around the building, academically she’s delayed but not massively (working at End of Year 3 level in everything apart from PE where she’s end of Year 1 level).

DD doesn’t use her full 3 days a week, usually she goes on 2 set days a week then I give her a random day or so if I think she’ll like the activities. We also go on holiday for a week so she probably only uses 24-26 of her 36 allocated sessions (and the council don’t force you to use them at all you can just say no thank you). So I feel even worse that DC who might benefit from it don’t get to go.

Talk me down? DD absolutely loves going, her speech improves everytime she goes, she’s gaining confidence being away from me, she gets to try sports or activities she’d never normally get to and I don’t pay a penny for it. Yet here I am feeling DD shouldn’t have it as there’s more deserving DCs. I've been told she'll get the invite for as long as it's running until she turns 12 (so once she's finished Year 7 and done that summer she'll stop getting offered it).

Does anyone know the criteria for these types of things? If I could find it I could work out why DD qualifies and explain that to others. As it stands I just have to say "I don't know why she gets to go".

OP posts:
DuringDinnerMints · 28/07/2023 09:55

If she enjoys it and she's entitled to use it, I would send her. It sounds like she really benefits from going. If you feel guilty about the cost and are in a position to do so, you could donate some items to the local food bank, to help families who struggle with the extra food costs over the summer.

Ducksurprise · 28/07/2023 09:56

Who cares what the criteria is, or why your DD has been chosen, I don't, and you shouldn't.

If life was fair your DD wouldn't be invited to these sessions because no child would have anything that makes their life more difficult. But it isn't, in a myriad of ways.

You can be sure that the other parents don't give a shit about what your daughter does or doesn't get. They only care about what their child isn't getting, the fact yours is getting it is ultimately here nor there. They just want the best for their child and you can only worry about what is best for yours.

It works for you, your DD loves it and it gives her opportunities so honestly stop trying to sabotage it and just bless your stars that this time things have worked in your favour, the universe will balance it all out over time.

Hoppinggreen · 28/07/2023 09:56

Look, your DD loves it and qualifies so stop overthinking and accept it.
If it makes you feel any better my DD was on a special pathway at 6th form college for kids from lower socio economic backgrounds.
We are high earning graduates with a large house in a nice area and she went to Private school. I explained to college many times but as our postcode says she’s deprived then she is. She gets extra UCCAS points and possibly a free laptop too (which she won’t apply for as she has a brand new Mac 😀)
I hope your DD has a lovely time and ignore anyone who bitches about it

Lonnnngsummerholidays · 28/07/2023 09:57

She enjoys it, it helps her and it’s free. Why wouldn’t you send her?

GammonAndEggs · 28/07/2023 09:57

Are you mad?! Sod the criteria. You don’t need to justify your daughter’s place to any one, no matter how vocal/ jealous/ annoyed they are.

All you need to know is you have a place and she loves it.
When others question it, just shrug or give them the council number!

Ducksurprise · 28/07/2023 09:57

And just read the explanation bit, just say because she was invited, it is the other parents issue to try and get an invite, not for you to solve the problem

MsMarple · 28/07/2023 10:18

‘her speech improves everytime she goes, she’s gaining confidence being away from me’

It sounds like your DD is really benefiting from the program and achieving the things that they are hoping for. Maybe they deliberately target children who have the most chance of making substantial progress and getting lots out of it? Or kids who can access all the planned activities without needing more expensive 1-1 support?

There are all sorts of possibilities but you shouldn’t let it worry you - your DD obviously fits whatever specific criteria they have and if anyone else wants to go too it’s up to them to take it up with the council.

You should go ahead and take the place which is so obviously perfect for your child!

Conkersinautumn · 28/07/2023 10:25

If there's an increased demand then the council won't expand it if the club can't attract those eligible. You must know the system? If your child needs extra support you have to fight for every tiny accommodation and there's no sense to the system. I'll bet the reason will be the diagnosis for eg one has autism impacting their mobility/ communication / sensory issues and ld etc but one doesn't. So because the group isn't an autism one then someone is focusing on diagnosis/ specialisms of support staff rather than 'matching' support needs. So much support is focused on diagnosis, rather than need.

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 10:26

Thank you everyone

I do feel bad for DDs friends at school who may benefit though.

I still want to find out the criteria, not for my own sake but incase those DC qualify.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 28/07/2023 10:27

I get that, but I guess they shut down due to protecting information about others. All they can tell you is you're eligible so that you don't accidentally learn info about anyone else

Bookish88 · 28/07/2023 10:29

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 10:26

Thank you everyone

I do feel bad for DDs friends at school who may benefit though.

I still want to find out the criteria, not for my own sake but incase those DC qualify.

If they qualified then they would have been told so. If they haven't, and they think they may qualify then it's for their own parents to enquire, advocate for them and chase this up. I don't quite understand why you're making it your issue, it's nothing to do with you.

Mariposista · 28/07/2023 10:32

This sounds fantastic. She enjoys it, will be with adults who understand her and can provide for her needs and will have the chance to have fun and meet other similar children (it's good to have friends outside school). Plus it's free, and you have childcare sorted in the summer while you work! Win-win

PuttingDownRoots · 28/07/2023 10:40

She benefits from it. Dont feel guilty.

Hoppinggreen · 28/07/2023 10:41

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 10:26

Thank you everyone

I do feel bad for DDs friends at school who may benefit though.

I still want to find out the criteria, not for my own sake but incase those DC qualify.

They can find that out for themselves

HollyBookBlue · 28/07/2023 10:42

Your DD loves it and benefits from it. She's entitled to it. End of story. You are your DDs advocate not others DC's.

If you are in the finical position to do so, to alleviate your totally miss placed guilt, you could donate money to a charity which would be of benefit to other kids with similar needs.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/07/2023 10:47

Sounds great and benefits your daughter and saves you money

I'm Wondering if you are on a low income /uc /get free school meals

As some children on the above then also get holiday clubs to help the parents

Could this be why you do and they don't but they have sn ?

For whatever reason she is entitled to it so use it and don't feel bad

2bazookas · 28/07/2023 10:47

Does it MATTER what the criteria are? It's obviously good for DD and she's having a great time and loves it. That's all that matters.

If jealous mothers comment, or ask questions just quote the ECHP " complex medical needs" or say vaguely "We're not sure yet". Her diagnosis is private business, you don't owe them any detailed explanations.

If other mothers wonder why their kid doesn't qualify, and think they should, it's up to them to ask the school/assessors to explain. Not you.

Just as it;s not up to you to diagnose their child or comment on its treatment just because your child goes to the same GP.

midlifecrash · 28/07/2023 10:50

You are unlikely to be given information about criteria that may relate to somebody else’s child. If someone wants to find this out for their own child they should make enquiries.

If someone is having a go or moaning at you because your DC qualifies, they should do one.

Laurama91 · 28/07/2023 10:51

"There’s one child whose mum is insisting her DC has some form of SN"

Does this mean undiagnosed, this could possibly be the reason or I'm sure people would lie

WandaWonder · 28/07/2023 10:53

She qualifies and enjoys it why do you need to complicate it?

BrutusMcDogface · 28/07/2023 10:57

Are you on a low income?

It sounds bloody amazing, and you/your daughter are very lucky. It sounds like she’s benefiting hugely from it. Just take it gracefully and let other people fight their own battles! Give them a phone number to call.

MuggleMe · 28/07/2023 10:58

If it's run by the council just refer your friend to the council. There's usually a SEN local offer page/contact. It's not a race to the bottom, be glad you've got access and support your friend in getting access too.

MangshorJhol · 28/07/2023 11:00

Do the other kids have EHCPs? Your child has medical needs. Your child benefits from this. Why does it matter who else is eligible or not? It's clear why YOUR DD does. You don't need to be privy to other people's medical diagnosis and you don't need to share your DD's diagnosis to justify this.

I am baffled by why you feel guilty. Your child deserves this, she benefits from this. What does it have to do with other children and their entitlement?

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 11:00

Stop trying to explain it to people (I can't imagine that anyone would quiz you
on it anyway?). It's utterly irrelevant.

Sunshinebuttercupsrainbows · 28/07/2023 11:01

This will likely be the councils Holiday Activities and Food programme. Your DD will be eligible because of her EHCP, others may be accessing other activities due to FMS, adoption/foster care.

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