Been offered a free holiday club for DD and I feel guilty

[HolidayClubForSN]

It’s the second year in a row she’s been offered it. DD is 9, about to start Year 5. It’s only offered to Key Stage 2 children.

DD has SN and a medical condition both caused by an unknown genetic issue. This causes speech delays, visual tracking issues, working memory and executive functioning issues. She also has muscle and joint issues and is prone to ear and throat infections due to an issue with her nose. She has an EHCP.

She’s generally a happy kid who’s always smiling.

The club is all for children with SN and/or medical issues, the clubs about prompting independence, time away from family, and having fun within your limits. They do craft, sports, and trips out to the park on a mini bus.

It’s completely free for up to 3 days per week per child (or 6 sessions a week, 2 sessions per day 9am-11.30am or 12.30-3.30pm) or you can pay £5 per session to use more than that. Lunch is included.

It’s all provided by the council.

I’ve asked school multiple times why DD qualifies and I just get “she meets the criteria, take it she’ll love it”. It’s actually really good, DD says she gets a choice of lunch or she can always ask me to provide her with one, she’s made friends who have similar diagnosis’ to her and the staff are amazing and so understanding – there’s no panic when DD disappears under the table at lunch (she’s not the only one) or if DD says she doesn’t want to do anything they just say that’s ok and to tell them if she changes her mind. She then sits quietly watching or doing a quiet activitiy inside. They also have a quiet hour at pick up times (so around12-1pm and then 3-4pm) where they sit and do quiet activities with the radio or cartoons on the TV.

But DD is the only one in her whole year from her school who goes. Last year there was a boy from her school from an older year (and we’ve seen him since he went to Secondary) but no-one else from her school even goes.

I can’t find what the criteria for an invite is as there’s DC in DDs class on EHCPs that don’t get the invite. There’s one child whose mum is insisting her DC has some form of SN telling me its unfair that DD “gets everything for free” and it makes me feel bad that DD gets this every year. I can’t say the girl has SN but the mum seems frustrated that no-ones listening to her and yet here DD is with an EHCP for what the school describe as “mild but complex medical needs” – my own DD doesn’t have 1-1 apart from for changing for PE (she does this in another room) and moving around the building, academically she’s delayed but not massively (working at End of Year 3 level in everything apart from PE where she’s end of Year 1 level).

DD doesn’t use her full 3 days a week, usually she goes on 2 set days a week then I give her a random day or so if I think she’ll like the activities. We also go on holiday for a week so she probably only uses 24-26 of her 36 allocated sessions (and the council don’t force you to use them at all you can just say no thank you). So I feel even worse that DC who might benefit from it don’t get to go.

Talk me down? DD absolutely loves going, her speech improves everytime she goes, she’s gaining confidence being away from me, she gets to try sports or activities she’d never normally get to and I don’t pay a penny for it. Yet here I am feeling DD shouldn’t have it as there’s more deserving DCs. I've been told she'll get the invite for as long as it's running until she turns 12 (so once she's finished Year 7 and done that summer she'll stop getting offered it).

Does anyone know the criteria for these types of things? If I could find it I could work out why DD qualifies and explain that to others. As it stands I just have to say "I don't know why she gets to go".

She obviously qualifies and enjoys it so accept a great group. My own son gets to go to youth club summer programmes despite not qualifying for free school meals. He gets the code to go as a young carer as his younger brother is autistic. I felt bad about taking the place at first particularly as ds2 is not severely autistic by any stretch. He goes to a mainstream school, admittedly with support and he is fairly functioning but there is no doubt he does have a huge impact on our family and ds1. DS1 gets time away from his brother, getting to do things we could not take him to because of ds2. It also means ds2 gets one to one time doing things more suited to him so for us it is a no brainer to continue to take advantage of the programmes.

You just have to say 'she has complex medical needs'. It's not your job to justify the extent of your daughter's disability. Plenty of people as she grows older will say 'well she doesn't look/behave/present like a disabled person.' I know because I have a child with a mild disability and people keep saying that to him till he becomes REALLY obvious. Or they insist on making him do things that he can't do fully because of his disability and then saying 'oh he really struggles with X doesn't he?' ERM yes. He's disabled. However mildly. All the physio in the world won't bridge the gap. So I avoid giving details to people to justify what he gets and what he does.

It's not your job to justify why something has been offered to your child. If other parents think they are entitled, then they can make their own enquiries about their own child's circumstances. It's nothing to do with you.

The club clearly works for DD's specific needs. It might not be appropriate for some of the other children who haven't been offered a place.
The mother of the other child who has not been invited is being really unfair to you, as you don't create the criteria or decide who meets it. It's not her business why DD got her invite.
Theres nothing for you to feel guilty about, and it's lovely that DD has this opportunity that works so well for her.

I don’t see any issue - I’m a teacher and we often refer children to clubs - young carers/ SEN/ looked after children etc.

My only advice would be to keep your life more private as unfortunately jealous is rife. No one needs to know your DC has a free place. If anyone asks what your plans are for the holidays, just say DC is going to a holiday club a couple of days a week. NO ONE needs to know more information than that.

If you have contact details of the club give them to the other mum and she can question them herself.

Let your DD go and enjoy herself especially as its benefitting her.

Would you mind saying her condition or dropping me a PM as my 4 year old has similar issues and is being assessed after he starts school (possible dyspraxia) but I would love to research more to help him. I totally understand if not though.

Exactly this. It really is a case of overthinking it - your DD is entitled to this & that's all that matters!

Is it the HAF scheme?

Each Local Authority runs a scheme to provide Healthy Activities & Food for qualifying children.

My little one qualifies as he has SEN and is a Child Looked After which are two of the qualifying criteria.

The other qualifying criteria is if you are in receipt of free school meals.

I really wouldn’t get into whys. She enjoys it and benefits from it. If anyone genuinely wants to see if their child can go you could tell them who to contact.
It probably is very specific criteria not just a catch all for all sen/disabilities.
I’d use all the hours.

That is a job for the other parents, not you. If you aren't careful you will talk your daughter out of a place which she deserves. Your priority is your child. Your post is frustrating to read.

Just tell the other mother your daughter has complex medical needs which you are not willing to discuss with her as its none of her business.
Tell her to speak to whoever runs it about criteria, not you.
Or just tell her to fuck off if you like.
How dare she complain to you about your daughter getting free things. Nasty jealous bitch

I can't see what the issue is at all with her going? She likes it's, gets something out of it and it's free? What's not to like?

I understand how you feel. My children still qualify for FSM, although I now work more hours and earn more. DC gets a free place at a local theatre group because of this, we also get heavily.discounted music lessons at school, and this week has been at a club for free which they've loved. I have friends who don't qualify but do have to stretch to pay for these kinds of things.

But your DD not only qualifies, she sounds like she is thriving there. Ignore other people. Unless you know exactly what everyone else's needs are, you have to just accept that your DD is entitled to the place. Her needs will create more challenge for you both as she moves through school, take this win to make both your lives a little easier for now. You have no reason to feel guilty.

She meets the criteria, others probably don't. My dd is autistic (had the equivalent statement of needs) but could access standard activities so she wouldn't qualify for special provision except swimming which she got 1:1 funded due to seizures. Entitlement will be down to need

If your DD loved it and she meets the criteria then that's all you need to know. Other parents are probably jealous and want it for their DC as it sounds like fun. I have a foster son who used to go to what sounds like the same scheme. The council paid for his too. He also got a card that entitled him to go swimming at a particular pool, use a sports hall for short tennis, football and multi sports mornings and a craft centre in afternoons. He could use this at any time through the summer holidays and we just had to book in advance. He got it until he was 16. It was good for him and helped him learn how to work in a team. He's actually very sporty and physically fit so loved the sports sessions but has a moderate learning disability. Don't feel guilty OP they wouldn't offer it to your DD if she didn't fit criteria and your taxes pay for this. Just be glad it brings her speech and things on.

Tell that other jealous mother to piss right off or like somebody else said here: fuck off to the other side of fuck and then fuck off some more.
Take the deal, make your DD happy, don't feel guilty. This is extreme but look at it this way: I'm sure others don't feel guilty about having healthy kids when yours is sick, nor would they want to trade places.

No, don't do that 😳. How needlessly aggressive.

Yes, YABU.
She obviously qualifies, and she enjoys it, so why wouldn't you take up the offer ?
There is no reason to feel guilty.
If another parent believes it is something their child would qualify for and they haven't been referred, then they can follow it up.

I would assume it varies from LA,to LA,my son is disabled and goes to.a holiday club one day a,week ( in the school.holidays ) and every other Saturday ( both in and out of schoo!.holiddays) its classed as respite so.he had to.be assessed for it .

For goodness sake!! Your dd loves something and you intend to deny her of that to save your feelings ?
Let her go and have fun.

The other mum is clearly frustrated but is directing her frustration in the wrong direction. I really wish more people could see that the problem of underfunding and scarce resources comes from the top and instead of turning on each other turned their anger towards those responsible ie politicians.

Why on earth should you feel guilty for equity? Your child is 2 years behind expected levels - OF COURSE she should have more help to catch up to her peers (as far as possible).

Sometimes shitty things happen in life and sometimes good things happen. This sounds great for your DC, so embrace the opportunity. Your child is clearly eligible or she wouldn't be invited. Spend not a second of your time justifying this to another parent. The parent can ask for the criteria - this is not your problem. Why do you feel guilty? I'm wondering what your thinking us behind this. You sound very kind, but you're not responsible for every other child.

What’s the club called?

My son with SEN doesn’t get any free clubs… I know some other kids qualify though as parents are on low income.

Hi OP,
You are way over thinking this.

My little one is at special school and most parents claim DLA for them. One or two, hard working and financially stretched parents when I have said "you do claim DLA don't you?" have said no they don't. Amongst their reasons for not claiming "that there are children worse off than their child, with more profound physical disabilities and short life expectancies". This is true but if their child is eligible claiming themselves doesn't take money away from children who sadly face greater difficulties.

You're child is eligible for a place on this scheme. You might not fully understand the schemes criteria (you don't need to as you aren't allocating places),but your daughter has diagnosed special needs and an EHCP so I expect it is that. You are under no obligation to disclose/discuss your daughter's special needs or medical information with nosy parents. You also do not need to try to find placements or services for other children in her class or school.

E.g. with your current dilemma if it is the HAF scheme just tell the parent "it's a scheme called HAF and you apply on the website". That's it - beyond that it's nothing to do with you. If their child is not eligible e.g. they don't have an EHCP that's unfortunate but not your problem. It's for their parents, school, social worker to sort certainly not you.

Sometimes things are hard for children with special needs and their parents. This scheme is a good thing for you and your child and you deserve it. Nothing more to think about.

What LA are you?