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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Been offered a free holiday club for DD and I feel guilty

83 replies

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 09:49

It’s the second year in a row she’s been offered it. DD is 9, about to start Year 5. It’s only offered to Key Stage 2 children.

DD has SN and a medical condition both caused by an unknown genetic issue. This causes speech delays, visual tracking issues, working memory and executive functioning issues. She also has muscle and joint issues and is prone to ear and throat infections due to an issue with her nose. She has an EHCP.

She’s generally a happy kid who’s always smiling.

The club is all for children with SN and/or medical issues, the clubs about prompting independence, time away from family, and having fun within your limits. They do craft, sports, and trips out to the park on a mini bus.

It’s completely free for up to 3 days per week per child (or 6 sessions a week, 2 sessions per day 9am-11.30am or 12.30-3.30pm) or you can pay £5 per session to use more than that. Lunch is included.

It’s all provided by the council.

I’ve asked school multiple times why DD qualifies and I just get “she meets the criteria, take it she’ll love it”. It’s actually really good, DD says she gets a choice of lunch or she can always ask me to provide her with one, she’s made friends who have similar diagnosis’ to her and the staff are amazing and so understanding – there’s no panic when DD disappears under the table at lunch (she’s not the only one) or if DD says she doesn’t want to do anything they just say that’s ok and to tell them if she changes her mind. She then sits quietly watching or doing a quiet activitiy inside. They also have a quiet hour at pick up times (so around12-1pm and then 3-4pm) where they sit and do quiet activities with the radio or cartoons on the TV.

But DD is the only one in her whole year from her school who goes. Last year there was a boy from her school from an older year (and we’ve seen him since he went to Secondary) but no-one else from her school even goes.

I can’t find what the criteria for an invite is as there’s DC in DDs class on EHCPs that don’t get the invite. There’s one child whose mum is insisting her DC has some form of SN telling me its unfair that DD “gets everything for free” and it makes me feel bad that DD gets this every year. I can’t say the girl has SN but the mum seems frustrated that no-ones listening to her and yet here DD is with an EHCP for what the school describe as “mild but complex medical needs” – my own DD doesn’t have 1-1 apart from for changing for PE (she does this in another room) and moving around the building, academically she’s delayed but not massively (working at End of Year 3 level in everything apart from PE where she’s end of Year 1 level).

DD doesn’t use her full 3 days a week, usually she goes on 2 set days a week then I give her a random day or so if I think she’ll like the activities. We also go on holiday for a week so she probably only uses 24-26 of her 36 allocated sessions (and the council don’t force you to use them at all you can just say no thank you). So I feel even worse that DC who might benefit from it don’t get to go.

Talk me down? DD absolutely loves going, her speech improves everytime she goes, she’s gaining confidence being away from me, she gets to try sports or activities she’d never normally get to and I don’t pay a penny for it. Yet here I am feeling DD shouldn’t have it as there’s more deserving DCs. I've been told she'll get the invite for as long as it's running until she turns 12 (so once she's finished Year 7 and done that summer she'll stop getting offered it).

Does anyone know the criteria for these types of things? If I could find it I could work out why DD qualifies and explain that to others. As it stands I just have to say "I don't know why she gets to go".

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 28/07/2023 11:39

@HolidayClubForSN
Why are you looking this gift horse in the mouth? The school knows the criteria, and they obviously see your daughter as one who could benefit from the experience.

Your daughter is happy. The school sees growth potential for your daughter. If the school is only referring one child, they may have only 1 slot.

Do not concern yourself with the other parent. If she has issues with the referral process, she should address those concerns with the school. Your situation is not broken, do not attempt to fix it.

Whichwhatnow · 28/07/2023 11:40

OP your DD enjoys it, it benefits her, and she's entitled to it.

By all means be virtuous and unselfish with things that are offered to you personally if you think that others would benefit more, but this is for your DD, not you - IMO you don't have the right to make that decision for her.

alloalloallo · 28/07/2023 11:42

Your daughter enjoys it and she’s entitled to it. Don’t feel bad.

My daughter also has some disabilities and SEN which entitles her to lots of things. Some of my friends have commented that it’s not fair, so I always reply that there’s nothing stopping them applying for things if their children meet the criteria (they don’t)

My daughter has seizures so is banned from driving which qualifies her for free bus travel - I have actually fallen out with some friends over that one. They all seem to want the ‘perks’ but not the qualifying disability/SEN

Oceanus · 28/07/2023 11:50

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 11:26

No, don't do that 😳. How needlessly aggressive.

So it's ok for this other mother to say "your child shouldn't be getting this for free because my special child isn't getting it for free either and my kid's special too therefore worthy or worthier than yours" but it's not ok for the OP to say something back? Should the OP just keep quiet and take it?
I don't think the OP should purposely look for this other parent to attack her but in her shoes I would defend myself if and when needed.
People should count their blessings rather than being jealous of something like this.
These are the sort of people who tell their friend they're lucky their husband died because they got life insurance or they should be happy their child died because they'll save on school fees, this is all nonsense. Good old common sense goes a long way imho. A little empathy does wonders.

Singleandproud · 28/07/2023 11:52

You dont need to justify the usage of the club to anyone.

Also be careful about disclosing too much to parents in the playground that you aren't close to especially if they are bitter, they'll repeat things to their child and that could result in bullying either now or in the future.

If you feel guilty next year can you book in for set days and ask the scheme to offer your other days to other families.

StrawberrySquash · 28/07/2023 11:54

It may be that this other girl would also benefit and has SN that needs addressing. The system is not working for all kids. I actually really pleased that yours at least is getting it - let's not mess this up for her just because everything else isn't perfect.

And agree that if you can spare the money a donation to a local foodbank or similar would be a good way to pay it forward to others who are struggling with summer food costs.

OrwellianTimes · 28/07/2023 11:58

Your daughter needs this, benefits massively from it. End of story.

it’s not up to you who qualifies or doesn’t, and your DD not going will not benefit her and will not benefit the other kid either.

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 12:05

Pjmasksonrepeat · 28/07/2023 11:05

If you have contact details of the club give them to the other mum and she can question them herself.

Let your DD go and enjoy herself especially as its benefitting her.

Would you mind saying her condition or dropping me a PM as my 4 year old has similar issues and is being assessed after he starts school (possible dyspraxia) but I would love to research more to help him. I totally understand if not though.

@Pjmasksonrepeat Dyspraxia is one of DDs conditions yes

OP posts:
Pjmasksonrepeat · 28/07/2023 12:12

@HolidayClubForSN thank you

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 12:18

Singleandproud · 28/07/2023 11:52

You dont need to justify the usage of the club to anyone.

Also be careful about disclosing too much to parents in the playground that you aren't close to especially if they are bitter, they'll repeat things to their child and that could result in bullying either now or in the future.

If you feel guilty next year can you book in for set days and ask the scheme to offer your other days to other families.

@Singleandproud It's first come first served, so they basically offer places out until the day is full. If they don't fill the day then you can book that as extra under your provision or for £5. Some days/weeks they're barely full.

I don't use the full 3 days not because I don't want to but because I use it as childcare, some weeks I do use the full 3 days though because she likes the look of the activitiy on that day so she goes.

It's a really good scheme, it's not HAF as I'm also elibigle for that and don't use the HAF club, this is specifically for DCs with SN. I just want to know why DD qualifies, I don't care about others or their needs so I will email the club and find out why.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 28/07/2023 12:20

Use the club and do not feel guilty at all. It is helpful to dd and she has a space. You didn't do anything dodgy to get the space you should use it especially because she enjoys it and speech is improving.

The other mum hopefully means "it's not fair my dd should also have a space" rather than "its not fair you should not have a space" otherwise she is completely unreasonable so ignore what she thinks.

MrsK89 · 28/07/2023 12:20

Don't feel bad. The parents can ask the school themselves if they wanted to

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/07/2023 12:22

Think of it another way - if parents didn't use it out of guilt, the opportunity would be withdrawn for all children due to poor takeup.

sashh · 28/07/2023 12:54

Your DD has a medical condition and SN that will last her entire life, a few days a year in a club she loves let her have it.

You don't know what the criteria is, there are various schemes, eg there are activity weeks for children who are deaf.

Her taking up the place will help with funding it for future children.

latetothefisting · 28/07/2023 12:56

If it's run by the council you could do an FOI request asking what the eligibility criteria are if you're that bothered? Maybe at the same time take the opportunity to say what you've said here about how good it is and how much your dd is benefitting, I doubt they get much thanks and it would be good evidence if they need to allocate funding to keep it going, or, allow more children to access it.

I agree with other posters though, it's clearly amazing for your dd and its rare to get something for additional needs you don't have to fight for, grab it with both hands and tell the other mums it's absolutely none of their business. As frustrating as it is for them they have no right to be demanding information about your dd's medical condition and entitlements from you.

Hankunamatata · 28/07/2023 13:00

It's amazing for your dd confidence and self esteem. Do not feel guilty

3WildOnes · 28/07/2023 13:02

No one will be able to tell you the criteria as it will vary from club to club. The charity that I work for is running a holiday club that is open to all children in our Borough that have an EHCP. Another charity is running a holiday club and I think the criteria is EHCP and/or in receipt of DLA. Ours is heavily subsidised for families, costing just £5 per day but is free to families who receive free school meals.

Papernotplastic · 28/07/2023 13:04

‘DD absolutely loves going, her speech improves everytime she goes’

’Yet here I am feeling DD shouldn’t have it as there’s more deserving DCs.’

You are your DD’s advocate. Why are you allowing someone to make you feel guilty about your DD getting help she obviously needs? Why do you feel the need to check why your Dd qualifies for this?

SoundTheSirens · 28/07/2023 13:06

Life parenting a child with SEN can be hard enough at times without taking on the problems of others that you don’t need to get involved in. Let the criteria go and focus on the great benefits it’s bringing your daughter.

Brotherlove · 28/07/2023 13:07

HolidayClubForSN · 28/07/2023 09:49

It’s the second year in a row she’s been offered it. DD is 9, about to start Year 5. It’s only offered to Key Stage 2 children.

DD has SN and a medical condition both caused by an unknown genetic issue. This causes speech delays, visual tracking issues, working memory and executive functioning issues. She also has muscle and joint issues and is prone to ear and throat infections due to an issue with her nose. She has an EHCP.

She’s generally a happy kid who’s always smiling.

The club is all for children with SN and/or medical issues, the clubs about prompting independence, time away from family, and having fun within your limits. They do craft, sports, and trips out to the park on a mini bus.

It’s completely free for up to 3 days per week per child (or 6 sessions a week, 2 sessions per day 9am-11.30am or 12.30-3.30pm) or you can pay £5 per session to use more than that. Lunch is included.

It’s all provided by the council.

I’ve asked school multiple times why DD qualifies and I just get “she meets the criteria, take it she’ll love it”. It’s actually really good, DD says she gets a choice of lunch or she can always ask me to provide her with one, she’s made friends who have similar diagnosis’ to her and the staff are amazing and so understanding – there’s no panic when DD disappears under the table at lunch (she’s not the only one) or if DD says she doesn’t want to do anything they just say that’s ok and to tell them if she changes her mind. She then sits quietly watching or doing a quiet activitiy inside. They also have a quiet hour at pick up times (so around12-1pm and then 3-4pm) where they sit and do quiet activities with the radio or cartoons on the TV.

But DD is the only one in her whole year from her school who goes. Last year there was a boy from her school from an older year (and we’ve seen him since he went to Secondary) but no-one else from her school even goes.

I can’t find what the criteria for an invite is as there’s DC in DDs class on EHCPs that don’t get the invite. There’s one child whose mum is insisting her DC has some form of SN telling me its unfair that DD “gets everything for free” and it makes me feel bad that DD gets this every year. I can’t say the girl has SN but the mum seems frustrated that no-ones listening to her and yet here DD is with an EHCP for what the school describe as “mild but complex medical needs” – my own DD doesn’t have 1-1 apart from for changing for PE (she does this in another room) and moving around the building, academically she’s delayed but not massively (working at End of Year 3 level in everything apart from PE where she’s end of Year 1 level).

DD doesn’t use her full 3 days a week, usually she goes on 2 set days a week then I give her a random day or so if I think she’ll like the activities. We also go on holiday for a week so she probably only uses 24-26 of her 36 allocated sessions (and the council don’t force you to use them at all you can just say no thank you). So I feel even worse that DC who might benefit from it don’t get to go.

Talk me down? DD absolutely loves going, her speech improves everytime she goes, she’s gaining confidence being away from me, she gets to try sports or activities she’d never normally get to and I don’t pay a penny for it. Yet here I am feeling DD shouldn’t have it as there’s more deserving DCs. I've been told she'll get the invite for as long as it's running until she turns 12 (so once she's finished Year 7 and done that summer she'll stop getting offered it).

Does anyone know the criteria for these types of things? If I could find it I could work out why DD qualifies and explain that to others. As it stands I just have to say "I don't know why she gets to go".

Do not feel guilty!
Our SEN/ALN children miss out on so much, fab that your council are offering this 🙂
Enjoy your little break, let your DD enjoy the club, and when parents ask just say oh we had an email from school, DD loves it so I'm pleased 😀

Araminta1003 · 28/07/2023 13:20

If it is provided by the Council you call the Council to find out the criteria. And you can just say that you are calling to thank them and give fantastic feedback etc- then ask at end what the criteria are- probably referral from school plus the EHCP. I would be making sure you use every session they offer if it benefits your child. I actually think it is really important for them to also be around children who have challenges as it is great for their confidence. If they are always around kids slightly ahead of them in main stream all year that can be demoralising in the long run.

AccountantMum · 28/07/2023 13:21

It sounds like your daughter enjoys it and gets a lot out of it and she is eligible so don't feel guilty at all you aren't taking anything away from anyone.

I would take all of the opportunities you can that you feel will benefit your child (As i'm sure the other parent you refer to would do too so don't feel guilty at all!).

cestlavielife · 28/07/2023 13:23

Just take the place
She will benefit

Other people s kids are not your responsibility
Make a donation to local kids charity to asduage your guilt

cestlavielife · 28/07/2023 13:28

You do not need to explain to anyone
Or smile and say
Yes it is wonderful! It helps her so much !

You can add
I suggest you contact LA if you want your child to go

If needs be say if query or complaint from someone without sen

We are so lucky she has these extra needs !
I bet you wish your kids did too !