If you were rich/very comfortable would you sit by and watch your kids struggle?

[WaxBar]

Just a general query as I don't get if it's me or her who is more fucked up.

No wrongdoing on part of kids. Parents were ok on paper in childhood (i.e. all basic needs met in keeping up appearances style) but emotionally neglectful (NO cuddles, kisses, words of kindness or reasurance) with physical abuse (hitting with hands, wooden spoons, leather belts including the buckle when especially bad). One parent (my mum) financially controlling of the other (who has earned the ££££££).

They've made great efforts since with my DC and other grandkids (to make up for their failings with me and my siblings?). My mum disclosed childhood SA to me and since then I've felt I've understood her more and we've both felt our relationship has dramatically improved.

Anyway, I'm a single mum doing a very emotionally draining job in NHS. Pay is so low as to require UC top up.

My new mortgage rates have come through and are horrendous. I'm dealing with it. Have appointments booked for advice etc.
I told my mum and she's basically said tough shit and it's also hard for my brother (him and his wife are both on triple figure salaries so not really comparable).

I didn't and don't expect financial help but was I asking too much to expect a morsel of kindness and moral support?

I could never sit back and watch my DC struggle when I had more money than I could ever get through in this lifetime.

Anyone?

I am not in that position but I feel certain I would help. Generously.

If they were distant and unkind when you were children, it isn't going to change. I'm from a WC area and help is given if possible. I don't understand the attitude of some MC/good earners. My eldest DD pays for her nieces to go on holiday, as well as clothes. I buy the school uniform and top up her fuel over winter. I used to buy my neice a weekly bus pass so she could get to different baby classes. We all give help to who needs it.

Might not be a popular opinion but if I'm financially stable enough, then my children will never struggle, ever. Obviously, I won't be funding them to sit on their arses and we are quite strong in terms of passing on a good work ethic, but I will always help my children if I can. Understand that it's totally personal choice, though!

Aww. Your parents don't sound v nice OP. They also sound like they struggle with empathy and compassion. No, I couldn't sit back and watch my own children struggle.

I struggled financially about 20yrs ago (when I was quite young, early twenties). My mum could've helped me. Instead she sat by and watched me go bankrupt (for quite a small amount). She saw me struggle and instead of helping, she made me feel v low and ashamed. I didn't ask her to help, but she knew I was struggling. I only realised how cruel she was a few years ago when I had my own children and thought back on it all. With my own children they wouldn't need to ask, I'd say 'come stay with me for a bit. Stop paying rent on a property you can't afford. Lets look at your finances together, let's work out together how you can get through this. It will be ok. You will be ok. I love you". And I'd help financially if I could too.

YANBU. I would do anything to help my kids if they were struggling financially. In fact I've just taken on a more stressful job to earn more to help them get on the housing ladder etc as it seems so far out of reach for them currently. I could never watch them go without. My parents helped us a lot when my kids were little and we were skint ( financially and practically ) despite not having a lot of money. DH's parents were a lot better off but didn't offer help but I think they likely would if they had known.

I would help.

I would especially help if I'd lacked as a parent in their younger years.

I don't think my dad will leave me a penny when he dies, despite being terribly emotionally abusive and doing sweet fa to look after me since my parent got divorced when I was 8.

I spent a lifetime trying to make him proud of me.

It's not the money (which would obviously make life easier), it will be the final stab to the heart tbh. No real interest in me or my brother, keeping us safe, or looking after us in any way our whole lives.
But to not even have enough regard for us to want to care for us even after he's died will maybe more than I could bear.

So in answer to your question- no, I could not watch as one of my beautiful children (clearly working hard as you are) struggle if I had the means to help them.

It's not just the money, it's the meaning behind it- that you're loved and supported. Which is what family should be.

I would support my DDs if we had enough money.

I’d help my DC.

On the flip side, I wouldn’t accept help from my parents (who have similarities to yours) as I couldn’t deal with them constantly holding it over my head as if I owed them something. I’d rather struggle alone than deal with that…

@Ponoka7 I hear what you're saying and love that approach 💖

My parents came from v modest working class backgrounds but were lucky as my dad joined an ultimately very lucrative career as a teen apprentice. Then they were able to buy their first home for about 45p but my mum doesn't accept that they were lucky to do this, just "hardworking"(she never worked bar odd part time jobs for social interaction).

They gave me and ex a generous amount towards our deposit which has changed my life and I will always be grateful for.

So it isn't that they've never been financially supportive. They have. And I'm massively grateful for that. But when my mum is so dismissive and cold I guess I just feel like that completely lost little kid again.

I would help mine but I'm in a similar position to you.

Abusive parents (but they think they're great.)

One parent is skiing several times a year, on holiday often, extensions, society dinners etc.

My sister and myself both really struggle. Low paid jobs, small houses and scrape together for a camping holiday/kids activities. Parent doesn't even buy kids an ice cream. Just 20quid at Xmas to the kids.

We used to think we'd inherit in death so at least something good would come of it all- but it's all being left to the new partner

I do think they should be dolling out money but the meanness mixed with the complete disparity in life is huge. They spend a fortune on dinners with their friends - would be so nice if the occasio ally did something for the kids.

I would love to be able to help my dcs. We do as best we can. My own parents, who have spare money, sneer at us for doing it though, and have never shut up about the 5k they lent my brother. (Which he paid back. ) I wouldn't take help from them. Too many strings attached.

My mum helped me out many times,.I think to her own detriment much to my embarrassment now. I'd certainly help my ds in your circumstances without a second thought. Obviously there are times where direct financial help isn't right though. I eventually did stop giving my dad money because it seemed to be like giving him heroin - it made things worse a lot of the time. If I had a child with a gambling habit, or who just wasted previous help, then maybe not.

@Imdrivinginmygetawaycar That's shit, I'm sorry.

Another weird thing about my parents is that they have always hated each other. They live in separate wings of the same big empty house (me and all my siblings moved to different parts of the world as soon as we could leave home. This was always framed this as us being educated and curious with wanderlust but I've since realised we just couldn't wait to get away. I was first. I was the worst abused as I reminded my mum of her and therefore something "wrong"".)

They're not living the high life together

My mum shops and hoards to fill her empty cupboards and empty soul. My dad is a workaholic in his late 70s as to stop would be to allow time to think on his actions (he cheated on my mum with a v close family member. I am the only child who knows this. My mum confided in me. It's changed my concept of my entire childhood and I can't speak to anyone about it).

Weirdly I would've said me and my mum were getting on well. We speak weekly. She gets invested in patients on my caseload, is supportive on phone.

don't think not. Do think they should be doling out money. Completely changed that sentence !

My parents would help. I would help my dc

I wouldn't let parents who'd physically and emotionally abused me as a child anywhere near my own DC (hence, my Mother never meeting my DC), nor accept any money from them, lament the absence of money from them, nor be in any contact with them whatsoever.

I would absolutely help if I had the means and my DC were struggling financially

@AmIinsane2023 Good for you 👍

My parents wouldn't help. They are just not generous or empathetic people. But yes you'd think if you had plenty they wouldn't wouldn't want to see you struggle. I think that's not a universal view though it is how I'd approach it.

My parents have been and now are in a position to help financially but haven't and I can't imagine them doing so. So you aren't alone!

I'm sorry your Mum isn't more loving towards you. No I wouldn't sit back.and let me DC suffer especially if they worked hard in NHS. I've recently gifted my youngest DS £50k for a deposit for a house he had about £13k saved up. I paid his solicitors fees too. I am relieved my older 2 DC are both in year 2 and 3 of a 5 year fix. I know anyone who is unlucky enough to have a mortgage fix ending now is going to have to pay a lot more each month. Even if your Mum could not afford to help you out she could be sympathetic and help you look for new mortgage deals.

i would help.
you say you are relatively close. Next phone call say:
you know what mum, I was really hurt last week. How can you possibly compare my financial status with my brothers. Do you know how much I earn? And how much they earn together? It’s 6 times what I get, and you tell me they are struggling too. What are you trying to say to me? How are those two incomes even remotely comparable? Do you know how much someone would get torn apart and justifiably so for writing a newspaper column telling people on my wage to suck it up because there are families out there struggling on £200k(all numbers are guessed) a year? The public would be calling for a lynching.
I’m genuinely struggling and you pointed to my wealthy brother and just told me it’s hard for everyone. You should know that all I heard was’ would you just shut up about your challenges as I don’t care.’ I’ve spoken to friends (even if you haven’t - thinking other people heard them helps sharpen their realisation that it’s not ok) and that’s all they would hear too when you respond like that. So I’m hurt and I think I'm going to hang up now and go back to making ends meet.

When we were younger we went through a phase where we struggled a bit financially. We had a low rate mortgage for a couple of years, which stopped and almost doubled overnight. I had expected to be back at work after having DS2 but I suffered very severe SPD, still have it now, so it wasn’t possible. MIL used to send us some money every month which really helped, then I got DLA so she stopped.

Our children are grown up now and DS2 and DDIL are expecting their first baby, their both nurses. Their fixed rate mortgage is, also, due to end. We offered to pay the penalty to get them out of their mortgage last year to try to get them a better rate but they declined. We, and DDIL’s parents, have offered a substantial sum of money towards the baby equipment they need because we want them to save up for when she’s on maternity leave. They have accepted that.

We have all had the conversation with them that if they are struggling or they need anything then they are to come to us first and not worry about it alone. We are in the very fortunate position where we can help and we will help. I could never sit back and see my kids struggle it’s just not in my nature.

DS1 is fine. He’s a single bloke in the army, living in the mess. He spends most weekends at his girlfriend’s house . He has more disposable income than anyone I know, tbh. When DS2 was at university he’d send him money so he could treat himself to something nice because he was very aware of him not having a lot.

Looking after each other is what families should do imo.

They gave me and ex a generous amount towards our deposit which has changed my life and I will always be grateful for.

But you still want more? You're complaining because they're not now offering to help again?

Those who've had to find their own deposits (or have failed to) will be playing the tiniest of violins for you.

But yes. I have a decent amount of savings. For years they've made next to no interest. Now, the same interest rates that are adding financial strain to my daughters, mean that suddenly I'm making a decent amount of extra money. I'm not comfortable with that, so once I've worked out the amount of tax I'll be paying, I'll be using that interest to help my kids with their mortgages..

I think it's very normal for people to worry about their futures and even more so when they are getting older. I don't think it's wrong for them to keep money for themselves. Usually they will also know that the kids will receive an inheritance once they die.

They've already given you enough money for a deposit so it's not as though they are hoarding their money.