If you were rich/very comfortable would you sit by and watch your kids struggle?

[WaxBar]

Just a general query as I don't get if it's me or her who is more fucked up.

No wrongdoing on part of kids. Parents were ok on paper in childhood (i.e. all basic needs met in keeping up appearances style) but emotionally neglectful (NO cuddles, kisses, words of kindness or reasurance) with physical abuse (hitting with hands, wooden spoons, leather belts including the buckle when especially bad). One parent (my mum) financially controlling of the other (who has earned the ££££££).

They've made great efforts since with my DC and other grandkids (to make up for their failings with me and my siblings?). My mum disclosed childhood SA to me and since then I've felt I've understood her more and we've both felt our relationship has dramatically improved.

Anyway, I'm a single mum doing a very emotionally draining job in NHS. Pay is so low as to require UC top up.

My new mortgage rates have come through and are horrendous. I'm dealing with it. Have appointments booked for advice etc.
I told my mum and she's basically said tough shit and it's also hard for my brother (him and his wife are both on triple figure salaries so not really comparable).

I didn't and don't expect financial help but was I asking too much to expect a morsel of kindness and moral support?

I could never sit back and watch my DC struggle when I had more money than I could ever get through in this lifetime.

I think OP, they obviously have their reasons. You may not know why and we certainly won’t.

Just ask

Op won’t ask because she drip fed they gave her deposit for a house which she describes as ‘life changing’.

They actually did help and I assume that’s the reason they haven’t been forth coming now.

I think some parents think that if they help their grown up kids out financially they will become lazy and frivolous. There is an element of 'I had to struggle and no one helped me out' and a myriad of other excuses why they don't. I have known people help their families out but only if they can say exactly what they are to do with the money or they use is as a carrot and stick to control them. It is the same with wills, changing their wills constantly depending on who's in favour and who is not. What a horrible sad way to live your life. The only winner when families do not distribute their wealth early enough is the tax man.

Hmm, in general I would help an adult child that needed it, though I'd be privately disappointed that clearly I'd not prepared them well enough for adulthood.

However, I think you should take into account that they've already given you a house deposit, which is a pretty substantial gift. I can't see how they could help you with your mortgage without giving you money every month towards it, which is a pretty massive deal and I think you're being unreasonable to expect it. They may also be concerned about being unfair to your siblings if they give you large quantities of money, or even about whether they could afford to do the same for another sibling that needed it.

We’re saving hard to help DS1 put together a good deposit and he will be living at home for 2 years to save post graduation. We’ve discussed finances with him and know that he is saving hard. His girlfriend is in the same situation. The figures speak for themselves. DH and I put down a 5 percent deposit and bought a 3 bed semi that we are still in , now extended, and borrowed only twice our joint gross income . There is no way DS and girlfriend will be able to get a house this cheap. We pointed this out to in laws when they started going on about how rates were 15 per cent at one point for them. When they first bought in the 60s it was calculated only on the man’s wage.

Families should help if they can and if the ££ will not be squandered. The simple fact is that it is much harder now to buy a reasonable house than it was on the 90s when we bought with no family help.

Of course I would help. The whole point of wanting to be better off financially is to make sure my children never have to struggle. Even in my wider family those who are better off help their siblings who have worked just as hard but for lower wages.

My own parents gave me and my sister a large house deposit each and I hope to be able to do the same for my children when the time comes.

Your parents sound awful. I'm sorry that they would see you struggle.

Depends how much money, we are quite well off but in our 60s so won't be giving DS loads of money because we might need it, in this day and age with the NHS as it is, we are making sure we have a large amount set aside for any medical stuff we might need, don't want to give it all away and then live in pain or ill health because of it. We would give some towards something specific like a house deposit and have allowed for that but not just for day to day spending

Of course we would help them and already have. We have the means to do so and would hate to see them struggle.

Not necessarily and I did read that update.

Perhaps there are other reasons to not offer ongoing help.

That immediately jumped out at me too! I’m a retired nurse and couldn’t believe what I was reading! 😲

I have helped my kids and adult grandchildren, and will continue to, if I can. Not regularly, but things like home deposits, cars etc.

They all work hard, and the money doesn't get squandered.

But, you've already had a house deposit - how much more are you wanting?

Family helping is a massive favour - you should view it as an expectation.😗

Unfortunately you can’t make people change and although this doesn’t help your situation now, all you can do is vow to be different when it comes to your children and grandchildren. That’s the promise I’ve made to myself

See, IMO your parents have given you a large deposit, which most children don't get. Like you say, this already is incredibly generous. Maybe they see that as them having helped and now it's up to you.

They should be offering sympathy and kindness for your situation though.

I know my parents loaned us £10K to cover some unexpected costs when we bought our house, and we repaid over 2 years. My sister is in a tough spot financially, and they help with the odd grocery shop etc. But they wouldn't help to get her on the housing ladder, that is down to her. She is now essentially stuck in expensive private renting.

I know how much my parent's have in the bank / pensions and they could buy us both family homes outright in cash whilst still maintaining a really decent income. But I think they have the opinion that they'll use whatever they need (rightly so!) and we'll eventually get any remainder when they sadly pass. I actually think that's fair, but can see I'm in the minority.

*I didn't and don't expect financial help but was I asking too much to expect a morsel of kindness and moral support?

I could never sit back and watch my DC struggle when I had more money than I could ever get through in this lifetime.*

I don’t know why you say you don’t expect financial help when a) it’s very clear that you absolutely do and b) you’ve already had substantial financial help. It sounds like you think your mum should be offering to pay towards your monthly mortgage payments, which is a frankly insane expectation. My parents are about as generous as they come, gave me and my siblings a very substantial house deposit, pay for clubs for the kids, buy meals frequently etc. They would never dream of paying an actual monthly contribution to any of our mortgages. I don’t even think the bank would like that much at all. No one else I know who’s had a gifted house deposit gets ongoing help thereafter either. It’s just not a thing.

Maybe she thinks that you're living beyond your means, partly due to them giving you a generous and life changing amount towards your deposit?

My aunt helped my cousin and her husband buy a house to the tune of 250k deposit (basically passed on an inheritance she'd received). They got divorced. House got sold. Then my cousin went travelling and did another degree. Then got pregnant with her new boyfriend and was pleading poverty.

My aunt didn't have the cash for her second time round, and regrets passing over the money. I see the argument for insisting kids make their own way in the world. It's tough though.

Yes I would help out but ultimately one of my aims as a parent is to have taught my dcs the importance of financial independence, particularly by the time they have their own children.

Yanbu. My dad has always harped on about paying for my rental deposit 11 years ago. Very generous at face value but if I hadn't had to pay rent to stay at his house for a few months as a pregnant single mum I could have paid for it myself. I expect he was just pissed I was a pregnant single mum.

No way would he pay for a house deposit for me.

For context...I used to teach and now work FT for nhs. I've always worked hard.

I would either help you, or spend the money. What I don’t understand is why some of the older generation sit on huge sums of cash (I’m talking about those with millions stashed away) and refuse to spend a penny of it. And then it goes to their kids in the form of inheritance, minus tax, when their kids are 60 and grandparents themselves, having missed out on the opportunity to actually enjoy it when they needed it! I just don’t get it at all.

She did get help. She was given money for a house deposit.

I always fail to understand meanness… mean with money= mean in spirit.
I have a friend who’s mum uses her substantial bank balance as a weapon over my friend.. it’s just awful.
I have no children but am generous with the people in my life .. I would rather give then hoard.

I too, had a career where confidentiality was important, and now have a retirement role where it is very much so. And as someone else who does, you should know that confidentiality is not just about whether you identify somone. It is also about people's stories not being yours to tell (other than obliquely) without their permission

If you are telling people's stories to the level that your mother is invested in individual patients' lives, then you are not respecting their privacy, and are close to using them as entertainment.

This was spelled out VERY clearly in my training. It's not just about identification. It's about respecting that you are talking about real people's lives and difficulties/trauma.

I wonder where the duty on parents to financially support their kids ends. Mine aren’t there yet but I hope to be able to help them here and there - I won’t be able to find house deposits but will help them get on their feet if I can.

I wouldn’t be offering regular cash to support their monthly outgoings though, there has to be a point when they become financially independent. I’m not remotely mean, I’ve always been generous to people close to me but there has to be a limit to how much you’re expected to bail your kids out - I’d suggest that by the time they’ve bought a house and have children it’s time to stand on their own two feet.

And as someone else who does, you should know that confidentiality is not just about whether you identify somone. It is also about people's stories not being yours to tell (other than obliquely) without their permission

And absolutely this, where are your boundaries OP, professionally and personally.

Well, they haven’t sat back and watched you struggle, have they? You’re on the property ladder thanks to them. Beyond that, perhaps they think it’s better for you to manage this yourself as the independent adult you are.

There’s been threads on here before about siblings resentful because their parents have taken on financial responsibility for a less solvent sibling. People tend to attach a lot of emotion to parental help, and just because your brother is better off doesn’t mean his family isn’t feeling the pinch, and it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t perceive favouritism if your parents stepped in to help you. Indeed, your parents may feel it wrong to offer help to one and not the other as well.

They may also be mindful of how much elder care costs.