If you were rich/very comfortable would you sit by and watch your kids struggle?

[WaxBar]

Just a general query as I don't get if it's me or her who is more fucked up.

No wrongdoing on part of kids. Parents were ok on paper in childhood (i.e. all basic needs met in keeping up appearances style) but emotionally neglectful (NO cuddles, kisses, words of kindness or reasurance) with physical abuse (hitting with hands, wooden spoons, leather belts including the buckle when especially bad). One parent (my mum) financially controlling of the other (who has earned the ££££££).

They've made great efforts since with my DC and other grandkids (to make up for their failings with me and my siblings?). My mum disclosed childhood SA to me and since then I've felt I've understood her more and we've both felt our relationship has dramatically improved.

Anyway, I'm a single mum doing a very emotionally draining job in NHS. Pay is so low as to require UC top up.

My new mortgage rates have come through and are horrendous. I'm dealing with it. Have appointments booked for advice etc.
I told my mum and she's basically said tough shit and it's also hard for my brother (him and his wife are both on triple figure salaries so not really comparable).

I didn't and don't expect financial help but was I asking too much to expect a morsel of kindness and moral support?

I could never sit back and watch my DC struggle when I had more money than I could ever get through in this lifetime.

me and my mum were getting on well. We speak weekly. She gets invested in patients on my caseload

What?! You discuss your patients with her? To the point that she gets invested in them?

I don't know what branch of health you're in, but what about patient confidentiality?

I can understand feeling let down at her reaction, she could have been more understanding but I suppose I'm surprised you're surprised judging by how she raised you.
They did help with a deposit which was kind, I suppose being from the background they were they perhaps didn't much financial help from their own parents so feel like they've done you better than they had it themselves.

@saraclara Do you know what I almost included the word anonymously in that post but figured that no-one reading would be thick enough to interpret it as me sharing patient identifying information with a family member.

Apparently I was wrong.......

So you're rude and unprofessional as well as grasping.
You have bigger issues than finding the money to pay your mortgage.
Good luck.

I would help out ds

struggling financially isn’t character building it’s miserable the worry is constant

my dad is very comfortable he doesn’t help us out but he will other family members (which he is expected to) it’s strange but this is the way he is

My dad was very poor growing up and while I understand that he doesn’t want us to rely on him I think it’s mean of him to never offer. We all have a good work ethic we are all independent so the odd time helping us out (without is having to ask, then agree to a smaller amount then being reminded) here and there would be nice

my mum isn’t like and whenever I visited my nanny and grandad I would always be given a little something to help with the gas/electric bills (usually £20) it was always given almost in secret to not take it was really upsetting to them. I shall be doing the same

Do you know what I almost included the word anonymously in that post but figured that no-one reading would be thick enough to interpret it as me sharing patient identifying information with a family member.

Apparently I was wrong.......

@WaxBar judging by the above, it seems as though you've developed some less than desirable character traits from your upbringing. Good for you 👍.

Well that's nice.
So absolutely dismissive of parents efforts, dad was just lucky in his job and would like to think you're being facetious that they bought their home for '45p' but am awaiting snark.
To have am assuming a 'caseload' you must be at minimum band 4?

I absolutely would as it's a lot more difficult to get financial security these days. I wish I had more money to help them.

Yes I plan to help my kids as much as possible. Mostly through education and do my best to set them up that way. My dh and I are looking to help them get into the property market if we can.

We have had no financial support from parents over the years, so everything we have is of our making (DH and myself). We have similar nhs jobs and have over the years downsized, used 0% loans, consistently gone without holidays and other luxuries, sold and bought second hand to muddle through. I am pleased with our little house and the life we provide for our teens which is loving and enriching despite the lack of luxury. I would like to help my own children financially in some form in the future, wether it’s getting on the property ladder or married or with grandchildren. If they were not sensible with cash and frittering money away, I’d be less inclined to help.

YANBU

People who claim they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps are often very sanctimonious about it.

Your mum is cold and a tightwad. However, the time will come when she will need your help and support. She'll hopefully understand then that what goes around comes around.

I would always help my DC if I were in the position to do so but I doubt very much I will be able to gift them generous house deposits like yours did.

OP, your post is very contradictory. The thread title is an appeal to parents as to whether they would financially support their adult children.

Your parents already have - very substantially.

The body of your thread says you don't want a handout but are cut up by a comparison with your brother and his wife who are paid so much more. Then you say you wouldn't sit back and see your children struggle - pie in the sky by the way as you haven't been called on this yet. Better couched as "I hope".

So what it is you want? A more sympathetic attitude from your mother or money?

This is what I’ve taken away from OPs responses, too. Snarky snap backs and downright rude responses make me wonder where the problem actually lies.

The parents gave a large, life changing lump sum for a down payment, if I’m reading this right. Surely this should be recognised and appreciated, without the expectation for any more gifts.

I heard someone once say there are 3 sides to every story; your side, their side and the truth. The whole truth may not be residing in this thread yet.

I would def help.

I'm sorry your DM isn't more empathetic, but she isn't, so well done for shouldering the sh1t on your own.

You parents sound crap when it comes to emotions l support. Sounds like they were awful when you were younger.

But it’s a bit of a drip feed to then say they helped you with your deposit and it was life changing.

What you mean is they won’t help you out again. Pretty sure most people who are posting that their parents didn’t help them didn’t receive help towards a deposit.

I think a lot of parents would be reluctant to keep supporting their adult DC. Usually ones that help with deposits don’t keep financing their kids as well.

They gave me and ex a generous amount towards our deposit which has changed my life and I will always be grateful for.

How much money do you want from them before you feel it is enough?

My parents are not very emotionally intelligent but they never hit my sibling or I. Even now they look awkward when my DD expresses love towards them. They also did ok in life, not rich by any means but comfortable.

My parents have helped me over the years but not on a continuous basis like a monthly mortgage payment. They paid for a new boiler after the last one broke down, for example. But they did the same for my sibling, so that's fair. They've paid for a holiday for us, and helped us with refurbishing our flat. I'm sure they've done similar grants to my sibling too. I think that's how they express that they care about us, by helping out on occasion.

My DD is nearly 17 so I've got all this to come. I wouldn't help her on a monthly basis because I wouldn't be able to afford it. But I could offer to pay ONE rent payment or a buy a new fridge/freezer or whatever she might need. But I wouldn't want her to depend on us, I would want her to find ways and innovate to take care of herself.

Call me heartless, but it would be situation dependent whether I helped or not. If the adult child in question was living beyond their means to have things they couldn’t really afford and then pleaded poverty and wanted handouts, no, I wouldn’t help. I’d be telling them to live within their means, like I brought them up to. Contributions to things like a deposit for an affordable house, sure, absolutely. But wouldn’t help them out to afford their car loan on some flash BMW, for example.

This is a tricky one as you’ve talked a lot about your parents but not about you and your choices in life.

We have given financial help before but have also refused it for various reasons.

@WaxBar Have you actually asked them for help? Maybe they don’t realise or are waiting for that. Perhaps you’ve refused before or there’s some other reason.

Show you’re in control by asking for help.

This is kind of what I was getting at too.

My mum sounds similar (although she did work and had a career but it didn't earn what would have really been the lifestyle she had and her money was always hers), she has a (very) firm hand on the finances and is very clear she never wanted to be a mum, she doesn't show much of an interest in grandkids. So I don't share finances with her, others do though (more fool them) and I realise that she's totally out of touch with what struggling is now, im not sure she can appreciate the cost of a family now. She tells me she struggled as a young mum, her husband was given a company car the moment I was born, his boss paying for his driving test, he had a fuel card in his next job, my grandparents hosted them for a large meal each every week until I was off to uni! (Two roast type meals) and would drop off shopping (paying for it) until my brother started school. Also my aunts and uncles did childcare, letting my parents have a break every week and both sets of grandparents whisked us off on holiday for a week each from when i was two! I think memory is the problem, my mum conveniently thinks all of that was somehow not being supported and they just worked really hard. My dad certainly worked on his career and she dealt with hers by never having had to pay for childcare or any of her education (or.mine). She's very scathing about how my uncle, eg, who is paying them back for a loan takes holidays and has supported his own children with things like uni, as though its irresponsible rather than caring. She also tuts over another uncle downsizing to clear debts (lost his job) she sees all of it as their fault and is oblivious to the advantages she's had.

(Oh and similarly distant, uninterested parents and certainly the hitting, which is why I don't allow my mum to really be part of my life as such. We both attend family events, I don't visit her, she doesn't visit me).

I like to think I would help my child but it really would depend on the situation and the child's attitude to money.
My ex in laws kept giving my ex money whenever he said he needed it and he'd just blow the lot on rubbish. He even had two large inheritances ( enough to buy a small house outright each time) and blew those too and now has nothing to show for it. I certainly wouldn't help financially there and I'd struggle to be sympathetic too.
If the child was demonstrating that they were financially sensible and were just struggling because their earnings weren't keeping up with sudden cost of living increases then yes I would definitely help.

My Dad struggled for money as a child and somehow never quite felt secure even though he is now very well off. He does not offer financial help and will not be leaving me or my siblings anything in his will either. It’s just the way he is, he strongly believes that to struggle is character building. Maybe it is but, in my case at least, I can’t forget how little support (financial or otherwise) he has offered when I’ve had incredibly tough times.

By contrast, I will probably never be in a position to help financially if one of my children was struggling but I’d do anything in my power (childcare, budgeting, moral support etc) to help.