If you were rich/very comfortable would you sit by and watch your kids struggle?

[WaxBar]

Just a general query as I don't get if it's me or her who is more fucked up.

No wrongdoing on part of kids. Parents were ok on paper in childhood (i.e. all basic needs met in keeping up appearances style) but emotionally neglectful (NO cuddles, kisses, words of kindness or reasurance) with physical abuse (hitting with hands, wooden spoons, leather belts including the buckle when especially bad). One parent (my mum) financially controlling of the other (who has earned the ££££££).

They've made great efforts since with my DC and other grandkids (to make up for their failings with me and my siblings?). My mum disclosed childhood SA to me and since then I've felt I've understood her more and we've both felt our relationship has dramatically improved.

Anyway, I'm a single mum doing a very emotionally draining job in NHS. Pay is so low as to require UC top up.

My new mortgage rates have come through and are horrendous. I'm dealing with it. Have appointments booked for advice etc.
I told my mum and she's basically said tough shit and it's also hard for my brother (him and his wife are both on triple figure salaries so not really comparable).

I didn't and don't expect financial help but was I asking too much to expect a morsel of kindness and moral support?

I could never sit back and watch my DC struggle when I had more money than I could ever get through in this lifetime.

I come from a similar background/relationship with my parents. They don't have much money, but I also can't imagine them helping in your situation if they did have a lot of money.

I myself have chosen to be childfree and recognise the same lack of empathy in myself. I sometimes have the (irrational thoughts) I list below when I hear - for example - of people's parents sending their kids a few hundred a month when they are at uni, or paying for driving lessons etc. (all these things I had to struggle to do myself with 0 help). At the same time, this is one of the reasons I've chosen to be childfree.

I wonder if it is about the regularity of the help? Sometimes, I think giving someone a lump sum (e.g. £20,000) is easier psychologically for an unempathetoc person than paying a regular amount for an unknown duration. Unempathetic people also tend to think: "well no one helped me, I had to do X - it was hard - but I was OK. Plus I've already helped in XYZ way, which is way more than I got." They might even feel jealous or unfair that [person] had help when they struggled, and resent giving help. In other words, they aren't really thinking about another person's needs or feelings, just themselves and their own feelings and hurt. That's my take anyway.

At the same time, I don't think it's right to feel that way. Even odder to feel it about your own biological child. But that is the kind of thing that might be going on in their head.

It is shit, and they should help. Surely everyone should want better for their children and should want to help of they can. Maybe try asking for a lump sum and then use the money to tide you over? It might be easier for them to process and rationalise. They might surprise you.

i think you’ve been lucky. They gave you a deposit to get on the property ladder. DH parents are very well off and haven’t help us financially and I don’t blame them. DH used to be terrible with money and still isn’t the best. We’ve done everything on our own which I’m proud of. However saying that I know they’ve put money and property away for our Dc so I can’t lie they’ve done more than they should have for us.

I would expect them to work and I'd support them in trying to improve their financial position as much as possible themselves, but would definitely help out financially. We won't be taking it with us and if we can make life a little easier for our children then why wouldn't we. Life is hard enough as it is.

Unempathetic people also tend to think: "well no one helped me, I had to do X - it was hard - but I was OK. Plus I've already helped in XYZ way, which is way more than I got."

I don’t think that’s necessarily a lack of empathy. I can empathise with someone in their situation but that doesn’t mean it’s for me to fix it for them. If I had given a substantial sum for a house deposit and was making great efforts with my grandchildren (as the OP says her parents are), I wouldn’t be wanting to contribute further tbh. There’s a point when help fosters dependency.

The OP also talks about her poor childhood as if her parents should be financially compensating her for their poor parenting, which feels quite off tbh.

I don't stop being a parent when my kids grow up. We look after each other in this family, and if we have more than we need and either or both girls could use some help to make their lives easier then we will do it without question.

My mum helped us out financially at various points in our lives and it allowed us to buy a much better house and for me to work part-time with young children, which has been amazing. I'd love to be able to do that for my own kids, and thanks to my mum being so switched on financially, she's left a substantial inheritance which will allow us to do that for our kids.

Sorry you are struggling, OP Small consolation but I think this kind of thing does make us better parents to our own children in a way, as you will never let yours struggle in the same way.

I would love to be in a position to help my DD with a house deposit. She is renting a tiny house and paying a ridiculous amount in rent and is struggling. I wish I could help her.

This. What kind of person wouldn’t help their kids out.