Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive my MIL

108 replies

BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:25

My mum died almost two years ago.

A few weeks before she died, my MIL said something REALLY horrible about her. I didn't react at the time, just changed the subject. But I can't get it out of my head.

Now each time I see MIL I just feel full of rage. I've always been pleasant to her, but recently when I see her I just struggle to be nice and polite. I mean, I am generally polite, but sometimes I'm a bit off because I just can't forgive. She probably doesn't even remember what she said

I'm seeing her this weekend. I just can't face it. I just don't like her, and that sense has increased since the last thing she said about my mum before she died was so horrible.

Don't even know what I'm asking! Maybe, how do I let this go?

OP posts:
TeeBee · 27/07/2023 22:26

Why do you feel the need to be polite to her when she was horrible about your mum? Doesn't sound like she deserves it.

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:29

I also just find her intolerable. She is so crude about people. She is so up herself. She's so bossy and overbearing. She's soooo critical of DH. She is sooooo status driven and materialistic. I just don't like her.

I've been married 15 years! Until my mum died I always just tolerated MIL. I was always polite, always friendly, always tried to get along, always smiled and was chatty with her, always tried to be a good daughter in law.

But since mum has died I just feel I can't do it anymore. I want to be the same with her as a was, for the sake of my lovely DH and children, but I find it so hard. I don't like her. She is not my kind of person and I just don't have the tolerance I used to. How can I get my tolerance back!!?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:30

TeeBee · 27/07/2023 22:26

Why do you feel the need to be polite to her when she was horrible about your mum? Doesn't sound like she deserves it.

Really just for the sake of harmony, for my husband's sake and for my children. She is my DHs mum, and my childrens grandmother. I'd like us all to get along.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 27/07/2023 22:31

I understand OP. The question I’d ask myself is “what would mum think?”. My MIL has made some very silly remarks in the past, one about wishing my mum could die with her dignity intact - this was during her 10 week struggle but only days before she died. I was as disgusted then as I am today by this flippant comment. She clearly didn’t mean it the way I took it and … I just think my mum wouldn’t want my kids to lose both sets of grandparents because of one comment. So I’m civil, but it ends there. I think that’s what my mum would want. We’ve all regretted something we’ve said at times and no matter how strongly you feel (and I’m sure you’re bang on), nothing will ever bring your mum back. 💔💔 I would keep her in my life for the sake of my husband and my children, but it would be at arm’s length if you know what I mean.

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:32

You just have to, because you'll only hurt your husband and kids who I presume love her.

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:33

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:32

You just have to, because you'll only hurt your husband and kids who I presume love her.

Yeah I know. I agree. I just don't know how to. I just am struggling and feel so fake. But I will try :)

OP posts:
CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:33

Have you thought about telling her how much her comment upset you?

Why carry around this burden? Off load it on to her.

CherryMaDeara · 27/07/2023 22:33

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:32

You just have to, because you'll only hurt your husband and kids who I presume love her.

Sorry but that’s shitty advice, telling OP to put herself last.

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:34

Vallmo47 · 27/07/2023 22:31

I understand OP. The question I’d ask myself is “what would mum think?”. My MIL has made some very silly remarks in the past, one about wishing my mum could die with her dignity intact - this was during her 10 week struggle but only days before she died. I was as disgusted then as I am today by this flippant comment. She clearly didn’t mean it the way I took it and … I just think my mum wouldn’t want my kids to lose both sets of grandparents because of one comment. So I’m civil, but it ends there. I think that’s what my mum would want. We’ve all regretted something we’ve said at times and no matter how strongly you feel (and I’m sure you’re bang on), nothing will ever bring your mum back. 💔💔 I would keep her in my life for the sake of my husband and my children, but it would be at arm’s length if you know what I mean.

Well they only met twice. My mum didn't like her at all as they have v different values. I think that's part of the problem. When mum was alive I felt annoyed with my mum that she couldn't make an effort to be nice, for me. But now she's died, my anger has moved to MIL....

OP posts:
Littlemissprosecco · 27/07/2023 22:36

I’ve pretended for 25 years! I don’t think it’s worth it. Try having a conversation with her about what she said and how lt made you feel. At least then it’s over instead of festering

Georgiepud · 27/07/2023 22:36

I tried so hard to like my MiL, but the whole time I was thinking it should be my mum who was still around, not MiL. MiL wasn't at all likeable, and since the children were gaining nothing from her existence it was easier to just see her two or three times a year.

doubtit · 27/07/2023 22:36

I think I'd have to be open and tell her. Burying down the anger and resentment just let's it fester, which it has done.

MIL, there's something that's been bothering me for a while now and it's affecting my relationship with you. Just before my mum died, you said X, and I just can't forget it.

Give her the opportunity to apologise.

Not an easy conversation I must admit, but an apology and closure on the matter may help you move on from it. Ultimately that will benefit your children and DH

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:36

Vallmo47 · 27/07/2023 22:31

I understand OP. The question I’d ask myself is “what would mum think?”. My MIL has made some very silly remarks in the past, one about wishing my mum could die with her dignity intact - this was during her 10 week struggle but only days before she died. I was as disgusted then as I am today by this flippant comment. She clearly didn’t mean it the way I took it and … I just think my mum wouldn’t want my kids to lose both sets of grandparents because of one comment. So I’m civil, but it ends there. I think that’s what my mum would want. We’ve all regretted something we’ve said at times and no matter how strongly you feel (and I’m sure you’re bang on), nothing will ever bring your mum back. 💔💔 I would keep her in my life for the sake of my husband and my children, but it would be at arm’s length if you know what I mean.

I'm really sorry you have lost your mum 🩷🩷💐

OP posts:
Wenfy · 27/07/2023 22:38

Seems like you made your Mum a saint in your head. But she was real, a person with flaws just like anyone. If they disliked each other for random ego related reasons then that’s their business - your relationship with mil needs to be seperate. Focus on how she treats you - not your DH, not your DC, not your Mum - if she’s ok with you, fine. If she isn’t I’d be planning to grey rock her.

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:38

Georgiepud · 27/07/2023 22:36

I tried so hard to like my MiL, but the whole time I was thinking it should be my mum who was still around, not MiL. MiL wasn't at all likeable, and since the children were gaining nothing from her existence it was easier to just see her two or three times a year.

Yeah, I think I do sometimes think it's unfair my mum died. She had a v hard life, right up to the end. MIL has had a gold plated life and as a result doesn't understand hardship. She's very money obsessed, looks down on people, does lots of "charitable work" so everyone thinks how wonderful she is, but actually it's all about her...

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:39

doubtit · 27/07/2023 22:36

I think I'd have to be open and tell her. Burying down the anger and resentment just let's it fester, which it has done.

MIL, there's something that's been bothering me for a while now and it's affecting my relationship with you. Just before my mum died, you said X, and I just can't forget it.

Give her the opportunity to apologise.

Not an easy conversation I must admit, but an apology and closure on the matter may help you move on from it. Ultimately that will benefit your children and DH

I'd like to be able to do that. I don't think I have the confidence/assertiveness/skill. Maybe if I have a few sherry's at Christmas :)

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/07/2023 22:43

I'm in a similar situation but with my own mum. Like you, I tolerated her behaviour for years (even though, in my case, it caused me a lot of mental harm) but something happened which I can't forgive 3 years on. I haven't discussed it with her, and can't now as she has dementia but really wish I had so that she knew how much she hurt me. I have, however, taken a huge step back which has helped.

If I were you I'd try to discuss it and then step back if you can't reconcile. But free yourself first.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 27/07/2023 22:44

Why hasn't your DH spoken to his mum and got her to apologise to you?

She said something incredibly hurtful to you about your dying mother and now it's making you not want to see her.

You don't HAVE to see your MIL by the way; your DH can always take the kids to visit her by himself and perhaps at that point he can explain that you're still in pain from her comment and that she needs to build some bridges with you.

SarahAndQuack · 27/07/2023 22:44

Ella31 · 27/07/2023 22:32

You just have to, because you'll only hurt your husband and kids who I presume love her.

I disagree with this. You really do not have to!

Why on earth should you have to put up with being the person who gets hurt here, when there are other options?

I struggle with my MIL; she's done and said some awful things. I do understand she's a limited person and she struggles; I don't entirely blame her. But I don't want to spend much time in her company. So, I'm often busy at work when DP takes DD down to visit her. I go down every now and again, but very often, I let myself off the hook and I feel so much better since I've done that. It doesn't spoil DD's relationship with her granny at all.

Can you do anything like this? You certainly should be required to sit there feeling awful. That's not far.

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:44

Wenfy · 27/07/2023 22:38

Seems like you made your Mum a saint in your head. But she was real, a person with flaws just like anyone. If they disliked each other for random ego related reasons then that’s their business - your relationship with mil needs to be seperate. Focus on how she treats you - not your DH, not your DC, not your Mum - if she’s ok with you, fine. If she isn’t I’d be planning to grey rock her.

She is quite nice to me to be fair. Shes v critical to DH. She probably means well but if she wasn't my MIL I would never be friends with her. I don't like her because she is v v self centred and materialistic. It's all about keeping up with the Joneses (or overtaking them) and demonstrating her martrydom (which I hate).

I'm not idolising my mum. My mum had very many flaws. She was actually quite abusive to me growing up. But at the end of the day, she was my mum and I loved her. I understand why she was as she was, and I understand why she didn't like MIL (I dislike mil for the same reasons, but just think you should sometimes put your own feelings aside for the sake of your DH and kids. My mum should also, IMO, have made an effort to be nice to MIL for my sake...)

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 27/07/2023 22:44

So do you think you would be less angry or able to forgive if she did apologise. Or do you think your anger is that mil is still here and your mum isn't

Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:45

TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/07/2023 22:43

I'm in a similar situation but with my own mum. Like you, I tolerated her behaviour for years (even though, in my case, it caused me a lot of mental harm) but something happened which I can't forgive 3 years on. I haven't discussed it with her, and can't now as she has dementia but really wish I had so that she knew how much she hurt me. I have, however, taken a huge step back which has helped.

If I were you I'd try to discuss it and then step back if you can't reconcile. But free yourself first.

💐💐

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:47

Hankunamatata · 27/07/2023 22:44

So do you think you would be less angry or able to forgive if she did apologise. Or do you think your anger is that mil is still here and your mum isn't

Good question and I don't know the answer to that yet...

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 22:49

Littlemissprosecco · 27/07/2023 22:36

I’ve pretended for 25 years! I don’t think it’s worth it. Try having a conversation with her about what she said and how lt made you feel. At least then it’s over instead of festering

Why and how have you done that? Do you regret it? Why?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 27/07/2023 22:50

My MIL has done several very awful things to me over the 34 years dh and I have been married. I really dislike her but for the sake of my Dh and children I’m always polite to her. I’m not over friendly however and I’m sure she notices a sort of barrier between us but I really don’t care. I also limit how often I see her, Ive realised I don’t have to go every time Dh goes over. (DH doesn’t like her either but gets on well with his dad).
My MIL is a snob and a racist but because she’s heavily involved with the church she thinks she’s a saint.
There’s no arguing with stupid so why bother?