To not forgive my MIL

[BrokeTheDietAgain]

My mum died almost two years ago.

A few weeks before she died, my MIL said something REALLY horrible about her. I didn't react at the time, just changed the subject. But I can't get it out of my head.

Now each time I see MIL I just feel full of rage. I've always been pleasant to her, but recently when I see her I just struggle to be nice and polite. I mean, I am generally polite, but sometimes I'm a bit off because I just can't forgive. She probably doesn't even remember what she said

I'm seeing her this weekend. I just can't face it. I just don't like her, and that sense has increased since the last thing she said about my mum before she died was so horrible.

Don't even know what I'm asking! Maybe, how do I let this go?

I haven't told DH what she said. He wasn't there when she said it. I am relatively nice about MIL to DH because I don't think it's my place to criticise his mother to him. Occasionally I let slip that I find her controlling nature a bit frustrating, or I often offer sympathy when she criticises him, but otherwise I stay neutral and try and be nice about her, to him.

I'm seeing her this weekend. I just can't face it. I just don't like her, and that sense has increased since the last thing she said about my mum before she died was so horrible.

Hiw long do you have to see her for? Can you agree with dh that you only go for as short a time a ls possible? Also are lots of others going? Could you avoid her as much as possible?

She sounds a bit like my MIL! My FIL.is also quite a nice man :)

My MIL said some awful things about my dad when we found out he had cancer. I'll never forgive her and I'm not going to try to. I'm outwardly polite and friendly towards her because of who she is but there will always be a barrier there now. I'm sorry about your mum op

My FIL was a very difficult man, and cruel to my DH too... but I did feel a lot better calling it out, standing up for myself (and sometimes for DH when comments were said to me about DH) and then reducing the time spent with him. I was also actually also very kind to him (at a distance) including sorting out housing, carers, cleaners, dealing with hospitals and nursing homes etc. etc. I understood the reasons he was such hard work and was sympathetic, but there also was no way I was going to put up being abused by him. Perhaps you do need to call MIL on the comment?

I haven't told DH what she said.

How do you think he would react if you told him? If you think he’d be supportive then it would be a good idea to tell him.

I'm sorry about your dad and what your MIL said. I would like to try and continue to be polite and friendly, it's just quite hard isn't it ? 💐💐 Thank you for getting it.

First you tell your husband that you want to keep the peace but also that his mothers remark was incredibly nasty and it's not something you can move past and forget.

Then you decide whether it's better die you to say something on your own to her or your husband has a word with her or the three of you sit down and social it together.

You need to address the issue and in a calm and Frank discussion.

If she chooses to take umbrage and have histrionics then that's up to her but you will have behaved in a rational manner.

I think some of the pressure you’re feeling is because you’re going through this alone, not having told your H about it.

why not try the “mil said something that hurt about my mum and I can’t get past it, I need your help on this” thing with him, as a warm up for saying the same to Mil?

OP, you need to be honest with your DH about your MIL. He needs to address it with her and make compromises with you to limit your exposure to her. Does she say nasty things in front of your children. Do they benefit from a relationship with her or do you find that you have to correct things she has said and done in front of them.

My MIL also has a history of saying awful things to me. The difference is she has actually said them about me. My DH is now present any time she is around me and we severely limit visits with her. He is welcome to visit her as much as he wants, but the children and I rarely see her because of her behavior. We feel it won’t benefit our children to spend time with someone whose attitude and behavior is very problematic. My kids are all old enough to notice her bad behaviors and we use our rare visits as teaching moments to show them that we can be polite but firm in maintaining our boundaries.

OP, just wondering why you don’t feel able to have open discussions with your DH about this? Do you bottle up other emotions and not tell people/him?

I tell my DP everything whether nice or not. Not to be critical or mean, but because we speak freely. His parents are lovely but if they’ve ever annoyed me then the minute we get in the car I’ll vent and we’ll discuss it, laugh about it or disagree. He’ll do the same with mine about it.

we don’t feel the need to hide our emotions from eachother because neither of us would be personally offended as we know we’re not trying to hurt eachother.

Are you a people pleaser? Why don’t you feel you can tell him? What would he say/do?

Just don't see her any more. You don't have to go round when your DH goes there. Just stay away from her.

I don't know really. I think it's just part of my way of being that I don't think it's nice to put down other people's parents to them. I just wouldn't want to put her down to him. I suppose if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd want him to tell me if my mum had said something mean to him, so I don't know why I think it's wrong to tell him my thoughts on his mum, or what she said. It just doesn't sit right, like it's disrespectful or not appropriate or something.

(If I did tell him, I'm sure he'd be nice about it to me. It wouldn't be a surprise to him either I guess, since MIL and SIL are regularly pretty horrible about SIL's MIL, in front of SILs husband, and me and my DH.. )

It does sound like you are a lovely person but a bit of a people pleaser @BrokeTheDietAgain

standing up for yourself or having a discussion with your DH about his mothers attitude and past comments isn’t being mean/rude or unsupportive.

you are equals in this relationship but can’t even have an honest conversation about feelings?

please be open with him as bottling this uo
won’t work for ever and your resentment will spill out and catch him off guard - and might be aimed at the wrong folks.

‘Dh I just need to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind since just before my mum passed. Your mum said X and Y and it made me feel really Z. I didn’t say anything to her at the time but my anger and grief are making me really struggle to be around your mum right now. What do you think I should do?’

and if he says move on and forget about it I’d be planning a new patio. Maybe he needs professional help so he can stand up to his mum as neither of you seen able to do it?

This behaviour will be mimicked by your children. Show them how adults cope with stuff in a better way as they grow up.

I quit setting myself on fire to keep others warm years ago.

I’d ABSOLUTELY tell your dh what happened. Hiding her bad behaviour only benefits her. Allowing her to behave as she does without any consequences only guarantees more of the same.

I’d sit down and have a long talk with your dh. Be honest, don’t soften or hide details. I’d end the talk with, “I really can’t handle visiting with your mother at this point. I think it would be best if she went to a hotel, and you and the kids can visit without me. I don’t want to be involved at all.”

You’re allowed to say no and take care of yourself. You have value. You matter.

Put yourself first OP

that can be done by telling her she’s a dick and going NC or just go NC with no update

I don't believe you do need to slog on with MIL at this point. Things change. My Mums death eventually saw me just stopping contact with a few key relatives. It's OK for you to step back and only see her once a year or not, it's up to you. I found I just had zero tolerance for self centeredness any more.

My advice would be to talk to her about it and explain how she made you feel. If she seems genuinely remorseful for her comments about your mum then you might be able to let go of some of the hurt and anger you feel towards her. If she doesn’t show any genuine remorse then you have your answer.

Somehow, I doubt talking to her about it would help. As you say, she probably doesn't remember and if she is so self absorbed she could turn the situation on you (poor me, you're judging me etc) - you know her personality best if this fits.
You have also been stewing for so long that any apology or comment she makes will not satisfy you. Her response will be somewhere between imperfect and insensitive. I'm not convinced you'd get relief from saying it and if she's so dislikable then it's not going to change your relationship. Offloading here, to a friend or DH might help get it out of your head.

I'm another without my mum and a poor MIL. She's not a bad person but not a good mum or GP and drives me round the bend. I don't have to see her often, have a good bitch to DH after (she's upset him too) and that helps me get through.

I’d recommend alcohol. We used to see IL’s 2/3 times a year as was 6hr drive each way, and they were not people such that any more frequently was desirable. I would make sure I had that night and next morning off work. We would arrive around 10am, and on being offered a cuppa I would say I’ll have a wine and would whip out a few bottles. My offer to share would be declined. I would stagger out to the car around 3 when we left. Lot of side-eyeing from IL’s and they obviously thought I was a complete alcho, but small price to pay😝.

You don't have to forgive her and you don't have to see her. I think you should be honest with your dh about how you feel tho. If you don't want to go this weekend stay at home.

The things which helped me … seeing her less often and for a couple of hours rather than full days. Also being polite and making general conversation but not sharing my own private information or personal updates, which in turn gives her less opportunities to be judgemental. Not worrying if DH shared family information however, that’s his decision. Lowering my expectations of her behaviour so she couldn’t keep falling short and I wouldn’t feel routinely disappointed . Acceptance that this is who she is and she’s unlikely to change. Appreciation that somehow she made DH, who is wonderful husband.

🤣🤣🤣

OP, we can't really judge the situation without knowing the nature of what she said. What did MIL say? If you can't tell us, was it within the realms of the usual sort of thing she says?

Importantly, did your MIL know that your mum would soon be passing away?

Do you feel angry with yourself for not saying anything at the time, and now it's eating away at you?

You can either (1) Continue as before, keeping the peace by ignoring your MIL fault's and not taking it personally (2) Discuss it with MIL, which I'm guessing wouldn't go down well, (3) Discuss your feelings respectfully with your husband - bearing in mind that any future issues with family relations due to this situation may be more painful to him than you discussing it with him. (4) Carry on festering.

It seems like 3 is the best option. If relations with MIL deteriorate further, your husband may well end up annoyed with you for not talking to him about it.

I think you're right, you have to fake it. It's a mindset that starts with empathy -

• She can't help what she said
• She's ignorant and uneducated.
• She's not happy with her lot.
• She'll probably never know what it's like to be content.

That's sad.

Why don't you reduce the time you see her eg if it's monthly, move to 6 weekly, then once every 2 months. Or reduce the length of time you're in her company.
She sounds toxic esp if she's hard on your DH. Just hope exposing your DC to her doesn't harm them.