To not forgive my MIL

[BrokeTheDietAgain]

My mum died almost two years ago.

A few weeks before she died, my MIL said something REALLY horrible about her. I didn't react at the time, just changed the subject. But I can't get it out of my head.

Now each time I see MIL I just feel full of rage. I've always been pleasant to her, but recently when I see her I just struggle to be nice and polite. I mean, I am generally polite, but sometimes I'm a bit off because I just can't forgive. She probably doesn't even remember what she said

I'm seeing her this weekend. I just can't face it. I just don't like her, and that sense has increased since the last thing she said about my mum before she died was so horrible.

Don't even know what I'm asking! Maybe, how do I let this go?

They may not and the mil doesn’t deserve their love. It’s unlikely she’s a positive influence in their life’s.

It wouldn't be a surprise to him either I guess, since MIL and SIL are regularly pretty horrible about SIL's MIL, in front of SILs husband, and me and my DH.. )

And you all just sit there and listen? DH doesn’t tell her to stop?

That’s pretty shitty behaviour.

OP sorry you lost your Mum & I totally understand what you are feeling. 💐

My Dad died very suddenly & just hours later, my FIL said something cruel & heartless to my Mum & I NEVER forgave him!

We were never close beforehand but I tolerated him, I never told my DH because I promised my Mum I wouldn't, as she felt it wasn't his fault & it would hurt him.

I never addressed it with FIL, which, with hindsight I should have but in my case it wouldn't have done any good, as he would never have owned it but it might have made me feel better.

My Dad was years younger than FIL & had so much more to give as a person, i always thought it should have been FIL & not my lovely Dad...I think that's a normal reaction that is all tied in with grief & anger.

But did that not make you more likely to say stuff/say what you think?! It’s something I’d like to do (mother rather than in laws) but I think it would be carnage.

Such a great post @ParisP!

OP, I can relate to so much of what you say and how you feel. When I met my DP and his family, I had been NC with my own family for 11 years. I instantly adored my MIL and she became a mother figure to me. 3 years in to our relationship I found out my Dad had died and I reached out to my Mum and wider family and we reconnected. The reason for NC was my Dad was an abusive alcoholic who physically and mentally hurt my Mum and me very badly. I never blamed my Mum though for what happened to us - she had so many problems herself I couldn’t ‘save her’ from him. Anyway, after we reconnected, my relationship with my Mum went from strength to strength and I was overjoyed to have my family back again.

One day I was sat having a cup of tea with my MIL and we were chatting about my Mum and she said, ‘Well, all I can say is, I don’t understand why you’ve forgiven her because I wouldn’t have.’ I was so shocked and I remember feeling so much hurt and anger towards my MIL in that moment but I never said a word. I pulled back from her that day and have chosen to stay polite and civil and care on the surface. But inside I can’t stand her and the way she judged my Mum, and by extension me, in that moment despite knowing the horrors we had been through. It’s been 15 years since that comment and I still feel angry and upset and I have no respect or love for my MIL. But she’s my DP’s Mum and I will stay polite and civil and superficially concerned for her, for him, but I will never trust or respect her again.

if you choose to have a relationship with her, could try changing your view of her to “she must have a very sad life to be that unpleasant.” Sometimes it helps to tolerate someone if you feel sorry for them. You could also write a letter to her - tell her exactly how her comment about your Mum made you feel, tell her how you feel about everything else she’s done/said that upset you. Don’t hold back and use plenty of swear words. Then burn the letter. It can be very cathartic to just get it all out. Then you can choose if you want to talk to her about how she upset you. If you don’t want to discuss with her, put up your boundaries so she has less opportunity to upset you again.

I agree on the suggestion to speak to DH about it. You don't have to badmouth her, you could just say you're really struggling still with the pain that that comment caused you and it's affecting your relationship with her. Pose it as a problem you want to solve rather than a bitching session about his mum. I also think you should speak to her about it. Even if it does cause some tension in the short term it will likely help you a lot to voice the upset it has caused you. It's likely that not only do you resent MIL's comment (and possibly that she's here and your mum isn't) but you also resent her for the fact that she's your MIL and thus you have to keep putting up with her and feel you can't say anything. So even if a discussion with her wouldn't fix the upset over the comment it probably would help with the upset over feeling trapped and unable to either end the relationship with her or to address it with her directly.

I'm sorry about your mum op. It sounds as though you've had a tough time yourself too.

I'm watching with interest as I really dislike my in laws too. For 15 year I have been nice and polite and my fil in particular has been rude and nasty to me many times. He's said some truly awful things to me and I have bitten my tongue for the sake of everyone. What's made it worse is my dh hasn't spoken up.

I've reached a point where I'm sick and tired of listening to it, I'm too old now for this shit.

So what did your "D"H say? Surely he knows how much this has upset you and should be saying something on your behalf. Has he? It's his place to do something.
If I were you I'd cut MIL off completely, she sounds horrid anyway. Your DH can still take the kids to see her, but there's zero reason for you to have to.
I suspect this won't happen though and you won't dare rock the boat, your husband won't dare stand up for you, and you'll continue to see her.

I totally get this. Fil said something awful related to dd and I hated him for it. After she died I didn’t want to tolerate him anymore. It came up during bereavement counselling and I decided I didn’t need to tolerate him or even see him until he knew how hurt I’d been by what he said. DH ended up speaking to him and he apologised. I still hate him but tolerate him again now, a few times a year, so the sake of DH.

Just RTFT and I'm surprised how many people are willing to put up and shut up when it comes to other people's shitty behaviour. It's mind boggling. At one time I probably would have, but as I've got older I've learnt to stand up for myself more, not be a doormat, and set my own boundaries - there's no way I'd be being polite or even neutral to someone who has crapped on me, more than once in some cases!

@BrokeTheDietAgain She sounds like Hyacinth Bucket to me. Do you really HAVE to see her? Could you be doing other things when she visits or go low contact? Does she air her views around your kids and when she does, do you disagree?

Op I'm also in agreement with those who suggesting it's imperative that you 6 share what she said and how it's made you feel with your dh.

I'd go as far to say that's it's absolutely not fair to not share it?
Imagine your dh was hurting so much he came into an anonymous forum to share it?
How would that make you feel?

Don't bad mouth his mum just beautiful factual.

BTW darling, your mum said something a few months ago that I can't get out of my head. She said blah.

Unfortunately darling I don't feel loose seeing her for the time being.

End of.

@hot2trotter

If I had stood up to my Mil from the off set I do wonder what things would be like, better or worse.. However it was pretty relentless and constant as well! So it would have meant my entire time pushing back or making feelings known.

That's the issue with these people it's usually integral part of then!

OP, it is totally fine to not see your MiL if you don't want to.

I still remember nasty things my step mother said about my dead mother when I was 15, and even though both women have been dead for years, I will never forgive her for it.

Three years ago my MIL made a very hurtful comment, it was completely unnecessary and for me it killed our relationship.

I decided to completely step back. I no longer took any initiative in inviting her over, phoning her, sending her birthday card, keeping her updated, organising meals out etc.

My DH is 100% crap with any organisation so he doesn't bother. They do talk once a week though. Getting information out of him is like getting blood out of a stone, so she knows nothing really of our lives and just isn't involved or included.

no, you don't OP. You can let your DH decide what his relationship with his mum is like, but you don't have to be a part of it. He can see her with your DCs and you can take yourself off somewhere nice for the day if she comes to yours, or not go with them when they go to hers.

And if she or he calls you rude? Repeat back to them what your MIL said about your mum, and then tell them you won't put up with her behaviour any more.

FWIW - i loathed my MIL because of how she treated her daughters but put her son on a bloody pedestal (I mean, my DH is fabulous, so i get it - but they did EVERYTHING for her)

Mind you, i don't like most (i have a fair few) of my SILs either. So i just engineered it that i never visited them and since they were too lazy to haul over to visit us the occasions i actually had to put up with them was extremely limited. One SIL I love dearly, she is like a sister, and we see each other a lot.

I literally don't care if i appear rude. I don't want or need to spend my time around bitchy, misogynistic (internalised) racists. So i don't. (to be fair, nor does DH)

When my father died unexpectedly, I was devastated. For 6 months to a year after he died, I was so resentful that my FIL was still alive. My FIL was in the early stages of dementia, he had very limited sight and was in a care home. I never told anyone I was resentful and after a while the feelings went and I was able to be loving and kind again. It is hard to lose a parent and it can mess up your relationship with others.
I was genuinely upset when my FIL died and I was so, so glad that I never told my husband and that I was able to grieve with him.

What are some of these comments that these in laws are making?

As I've sometimes wondered whether I'm being a bit irrational, but it's been a slow drip over the years to the point I've had enough. We cannot have a single visit without fil making a snide remark.

Some posters see things in such black and white terms. They seem to think that people are all good or all bad. That just isn't true and is far too simplistic. If I asked everyone who knew you OP, many people would think you were lovely but some might be less than enthusiastic because you had inadvertently said something which offended them. We all do it. My husband loved his parents. I love my husband. I did a lot to support him with them. He did so much for my widowed mother. So many practical tasks for her. It is one of the many comforting things about a happy marriage. Mutual support.

It's complicated op and looking back I think I disliked mine the very most about 10 to15 years into marriage when all her true colours had come out. Thank goodness for MNet which has been a place to vent. It's more than 30 years now and she is a very old, widowed lady and behaves slightly better and I ignore her little digs. We have absolutely nothing in common.

Similarly to you my mother can be equally irritating and again thanks to MNet I think she is a classic narcissist which I didn't know growing up.

Mother used to put me down for not being pretty enough, not being a.party girl and for not having a high enough standard of living. MIL had numerous digs about "monied people's attitudes", "how super it was I was so practical rather than being academic" and her cracker after a string of miscarriages "such a shame you can't perform". The difference between them I think is mother doesn't necessarily do it on purpose and doesn't have a filter whereas MIL is far more crafty about it.

Looking back both of them have fallen out with numerous people over the years and have strained relationships with many members of close family. I might have the odd ruck.on here, where I speak my mind, but in RL I don't lose friends or family.

The lesson Intake from it is not to be a tit to my own DIL.

Would it help if you re-framed this distress as part of your grieving process? I feel that this could potentially help in two ways:

1. In understanding it yourself, and letting you consider whether it was actually an awful thing MIL said, or whether/to what extent your grief is magnifying it
2. (possibly more important) giving you a framework to approach your MIL, so that you can say to her something like "I would like to discuss something with you. I know it is part of my grief, but I keep thinking about what you said about my mum and it's really upsetting me. Could we discuss this, as it would help me work through it?" That gives her an opportunity to backpedal a bit and see what effect her words have on others, in a kind way.

Do you have to see her? My aunt didn't see her MIL for 20 years after MIL made judgy comments to my aunt.
My uncle and cousins still saw her, used to stay with her or she would come and visit when my aunt was away.
My aunt carried that on right until her MIL died, she has no regrets.

When I was 21 my DF was diagnosed with MND, it was the quick type, so 6 months from diagnosis until he passed away. The day he died my then boyfriend and I were meant to be meeting her and his his dad for lunch, but my mum phoned and said ‘ you need to come’, so we apologised to my partners parents and went. She accused me of being dramatic and not appreciating that she’d been cooking all morning, he died later that afternoon. It was never mentioned again, she never said sorry about your dad, can I do anything, no hug, nothing….I’ve tried to pretend I like her for the sake of my husband and children. My eldest is 21 now and barely has a relationship with her. Over the years I’ve cooked meals, facilitated play with the kids( all on her terms of course) The problem is the pretence eats away at you and eventually ( it was when I hit 50) you realise that life is too short for fake relationships. I realise now just how untrue to myself I have been and how damaging it has been for my children and husband to witness such pretence fakeness and ultimately pain on my part. I wish I’d just broken down in tears called her out for the that she was and either way moved on. 25 years of sweeping it under the carpet really isn’t where you want to be
Good luck