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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel so hurt by a little comment

91 replies

Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 19:53

Am I wrong for being really upset by my partner saying I should take more care of myself. We’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 children, I was a 8/10 then I’m a size 12 now, I wear similar clothes to what I always have, I like how I dress, I am going grey, he doesn’t like it when my hair roots show and prefers when I dye my hair. I’ve never been a big make up wearer, but feel I make similar efforts for nights out, and my usual mascara for the rest of the time. Now I am usually quite sensitive, I’m a bit emotional immature maybe, due to lots of things growing up including losing a parent and various other things in my early life I don’t feel I cope too well with feelings of hurt, I want to be reassured. However that said I know where my faults are and try to acknowledge them. We are both morally decent, his work allows him more free time than me, so he can go to the gym more, he does do his share of house work and kid stuff. I am also peri menopausal so I know I’m lacking motivation and confidence at the minute, I do try to exercise and eat well most of the time, but I am struggling to lose weight and generally feel a bit low I know I’m looking older. I don’t always shave and very rarely paint my nails. I just think he should try to be more supportive or at least acknowledge when he knows he has upset me. He’s not great with mental health or hormonal issues, it’s almost like a man up attitude. Thanks for reading. Please be kind.

OP posts:

RudsyFarmer · 27/07/2023 19:59

Well I can tell you a comment a like that would go down like a bag of sign in my house but then my DP would never say it. He knows better than to do that.

RudsyFarmer · 27/07/2023 19:59

*bag of sick

Hugasauras · 27/07/2023 20:02

I'm sure some people will be on his side here, but I have to say, 'he doesn't like it when my hair roots show' made me go WTF. I don't think my husband has ever even noticed hair roots! Much less felt like he should comment on them.

I don't paint my nails, I don't often wear make-up. I shave my legs very sporadically. I wear clean clothes, I shower frequently, I brush my hair. That's taking care of myself for me. Does he actually want you to take care of yourself, or does he want you to do stuff that's actually for his benefit?

Hithisismee · 27/07/2023 20:04

Double his time looking after the children so you have got time to get your hair coloured or gym or whatever you want to do. Size 12 is not big unless you are 3 feet tall. Oh, and he can pay for the hairdresser.

Blanca87 · 27/07/2023 20:06

Let me guess, your partner is probably a big fat, ugly ride but that doesn’t matter because he’s a man…

PixiesAreReal · 27/07/2023 20:06

I don't think there's anything wrong with you but there is with him, you're not wrong for being upset anyone would be.
Size 12 is slim but it wouldn't matter if you were much bigger your partner is being an insensitive dickhead and sounds a bit controlling.
These little comments grind you down, who cares if you're going grey it's completely natural, sorry but "He prefers it when I dye my hair" made me really angry. Cheeky fecker.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 27/07/2023 20:06

It’s harsh that he’s commenting on those things, if he loved you it wouldn’t care. However, maybe making more of an effort would make you feel better about yourself? When I do nothing with my hair, wear no makeup and don’t shave I feel crappy about myself. Just putting my hair up nicely and putting a tiny bit of bronzer and doing my brows and shaving my legs and pits makes me feel so much better!
I am lucky that I’m nearly 40 and no grey hair but can’t imagine the hassle of constantly having to dye it!
Anyway it isn’t about what he thinks but how you feel about yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2023 20:07

So basically it's all about what he wants to look at for his personal enjoyment, no actual concern for how you are doing as a person.

Wow.

Fuck that and fuck him.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/07/2023 20:08

I often complain that my DP never notices anything about my appearance but reading this I’m now rather glad.

how you look and present yourself is your business. If you feel like you want to go more, do it for you. Not fucking Brad Pitt over there

meditated · 27/07/2023 20:11

I'd be upset too.

I hate this pressure on women to 'look after themselves' by dying hair, wearing make up, painting nails. What a waste of time (and planet resources). I'd love a world where keeping healthy, clean and mentally fit is enough for all women. Then men won't have choice but to change attitude too.

Whataretheodds · 27/07/2023 20:15

I would be upset too.

What if you said something like "i felt hurt by your comment that I need to take more care of yourself, then I reflected on it and you're right, I do need more time to look after myself. I suggest you take over with the kids earlier (at X time) on A, B and C days so I can go to the gym and do personal stuff. Thank you so much for nothing and supporting me."

FuckNuggets · 27/07/2023 20:19

You need to tell him he's looking a bit old and podgy for your liking. When is he going to start going to the gym and go on a diet? His dress sense makes him look like a tramp and his grey hair is awful. No one likes it when a man lets himself go.

But really what you can do is LTB. Instant makeover that will last a lifetime.

DinoMummsy · 27/07/2023 20:20

Yanbu, he sounds like a shallow prick.

DrManhattan · 27/07/2023 20:29

Tell him 'yeah great but you need to work on being a decent human being'

Herejusttocomment · 27/07/2023 20:42

Wow, how shallow and, dare I say, at the risk of triggering some people, misogynistic.

anastaisia · 27/07/2023 20:46

Whataretheodds · 27/07/2023 20:15

I would be upset too.

This response is perfect. But use the time for things you really enjoy, not just fitness and beauty stuff (unless that’s what makes you happy)

HollyBookBlue · 27/07/2023 20:49

I'm just playing devil's advocate here... What did he actually say to you?

Are you certain that he means all these cosmetic surface level things when he says you "should take more care of yourself" In which case I totally agree with everyone

Or is it in anyway possible that he's concerned about your health, wellbeing, and is looking forward to a fun and active life together. I'm saying this because I would describe myself in a similar way to you except, I'm now a size 14/16 and don't dye my hair. And my DH said something similar to me, but he was actually worried about me having health issues in 10 or 20 years time. He couldn't give a stuff about the cosmetic stuff, but my own insecurities made me jump to that conclusion

Firstworldprobs · 27/07/2023 20:51

Wow. My DH and sons would never DARE comment on my physical appearance. But being the only female in the house I’ve always been very vocal about it being irrelevant to who I am and my value (as is theirs).

I’ve been known to exclaim “I am a HUMAN! We are MAMMALS! Mammals have BODY HAIR!” if anyone mentions a spiky shin or armpit! This is my meat suit, it carries me about the place. I am my character, personality, actions, and how I make people feel. The details of my meat suit are irrelevant and not up for comment or opinion. I want them to see girls and women as equal human beings before they are “ladies” (vom) or “babes”. We are not decorative objects on the planet to give men something pretty to look at. Fuck that notion.

I used to be a looker. I am 4 stone heavier, rarely wear makeup, and I am excitedly looking for new grey hair so I can eventually dye it pink - I’d love a streak at the front! I don’t give a shit what anyone, even my darling family, think about my body.

Firstworldprobs · 27/07/2023 20:53

Oh just to add, I’m not a swamp witch, I scrub up gorgeous when I want to 😉

Hankunamatata · 27/07/2023 20:56

But what does he actually mean take care of yourself?

Does he mean lose weight or just dye your hair?

ssd · 27/07/2023 21:00

Blanca87 · 27/07/2023 20:06

Let me guess, your partner is probably a big fat, ugly ride but that doesn’t matter because he’s a man…

Sorry but this is the best comment yet, i actually burst out laughing

And i agree as well

IamnotSethRogan · 27/07/2023 21:05

I think it's important to distinguish what he means when he says take more care of yourself. Does he specifically mean your physical appearance or do you have a pattern of letting your physical appearance slip when you're in periods of poor mental health ? I know, for example that during periods of my life where I haven't felt great, it's really reflected in how I present myself. I'm not sure if I'm wording this correctly! Obviously when you're in loving relationship, painting your nails isn't important but sometimes little things like that can be a reflection of how we're feeling about ourselves, if it's a change in behaviour

YeahIsaidit · 27/07/2023 21:06

Just tell him that you'd prefer it if his dick was bigger and his beer gut didn't exist but we can't always get what we want

VerityUnreasonble · 27/07/2023 21:08

When was the last time he shaved his legs, dyed his hair, got his nails and eyebrows done, put on a proper full face of make up and dolled himself up to impress you?

Or made any effort other than doing things he just happens to like doing for himself?

Emmamoo89 · 27/07/2023 21:09

YANBU. He's a dick

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