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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so hurt by a little comment

91 replies

Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 19:53

Am I wrong for being really upset by my partner saying I should take more care of myself. We’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 children, I was a 8/10 then I’m a size 12 now, I wear similar clothes to what I always have, I like how I dress, I am going grey, he doesn’t like it when my hair roots show and prefers when I dye my hair. I’ve never been a big make up wearer, but feel I make similar efforts for nights out, and my usual mascara for the rest of the time. Now I am usually quite sensitive, I’m a bit emotional immature maybe, due to lots of things growing up including losing a parent and various other things in my early life I don’t feel I cope too well with feelings of hurt, I want to be reassured. However that said I know where my faults are and try to acknowledge them. We are both morally decent, his work allows him more free time than me, so he can go to the gym more, he does do his share of house work and kid stuff. I am also peri menopausal so I know I’m lacking motivation and confidence at the minute, I do try to exercise and eat well most of the time, but I am struggling to lose weight and generally feel a bit low I know I’m looking older. I don’t always shave and very rarely paint my nails. I just think he should try to be more supportive or at least acknowledge when he knows he has upset me. He’s not great with mental health or hormonal issues, it’s almost like a man up attitude. Thanks for reading. Please be kind.

OP posts:
TVtv · 27/07/2023 21:13

How did this comment actually come about though?!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2023 21:30

What did he actually say and in what context?if out of the blue he started saying you have let yourself go or something then that's horrible. If you're very insecure and were badgering him and asking him what he thinks about your hair and he answered honestly but then said he thinks you look great anyway then that's completely different. Also if his job gives him more free time then he should be doing more at home and with the kids so you have equal leisure time. Not for example finishing at 3, going to the gym for 2 hours then moaning at you when you've got no time for exercise when you get home at 7 and have to put the kids to bed

momtoboys · 27/07/2023 21:36

What I wouldn't give to be a size 12. 😄

Jl2014 · 27/07/2023 21:38

And he is a perfect specimen of a human being is he?

Cherry8809 · 27/07/2023 21:46

Idk, unpopular opinion probably but I would feel unkempt if I wasn’t regularly shaving or touching up my roots. It literally takes 10/15 mins to throw a box dye on and I feel kind of scruffy when the roots are showing.

But yeah, do it for you though, not because of his comment.

Herejusttocomment · 27/07/2023 21:51

It literally takes 10/15 mins to throw a box dye on

You must have a good system, cause touching up my roots is a minimum one hour process which I need to plan weeks in advance 😂

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 21:51

Cherry8809 · 27/07/2023 21:46

Idk, unpopular opinion probably but I would feel unkempt if I wasn’t regularly shaving or touching up my roots. It literally takes 10/15 mins to throw a box dye on and I feel kind of scruffy when the roots are showing.

But yeah, do it for you though, not because of his comment.

Unless her partner dyes his grey hairs and shaves regularly he should keep his mouth shut.

MoonLion · 27/07/2023 21:53

No way would DH ever tell me when to get my hair coloured.

anon1888 · 27/07/2023 21:53

And by shaves regularly, I don't mean his facial hair.

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 21:53

YANBU

If he wants you to take care of yourself more then he needs to make sure you have more free time to allow you to do the things you want to.

I think size 12 is fine but if you were much slimmer before then it’s possibly he doesn’t find you as attractive anymore.
If being on MN has taught me anything it’s that if your DP puts on weight it’s ok to not find them attractive.

MysteryBelle · 27/07/2023 21:56

Awful of him to say that. It would upset me too. What an ass he is. You need a little revenge for that, Op 😂 have him take care of the kids while you go ‘take care of yourself’ with salons, massages, pedicures, handsome personal trainer hee hee

girlfriend44 · 27/07/2023 21:56

Nope that just gets you into tit for tat arguments and it goes rapidly downhill.

MissingMoominMamma · 27/07/2023 21:57

DH often offers for me to have my hair coloured. I thank him for the thought, but it’s my hair and I don’t want to dye it. He is completely grey.

His comments don’t bother me because I’m perfectly happy with the way I am. Are you, OP? If not, there are things you can do to help yourself.

BrokeTheDietAgain · 27/07/2023 21:57

Crikey! I'm incredibly self conscious and feel fat and ugly most of the time :) I present myself ok, but rarely wear make up, don't dye my hair. I don't have time/money or inclination.

If my husband made those comments I'd be v upset! Luckily, he tells me I'm beautiful (even though I'm not!) That's the kind thing to do when you love someone 🩷

MissingMoominMamma · 27/07/2023 21:57
  • offers to pay for me.
MysteryBelle · 27/07/2023 21:58

I’m going to let my hair go grey when it does. It already has a little bit on the side. Too many negatives to dying your hair.

Usernamen · 27/07/2023 22:00

DP and I are very honest with each other and tell each other if we’re putting on weight / not eating healthily / drinking too much. I really appreciate having someone who loves me enough to tell me things other people won’t. But I know not every relationship works like that!

Eyesopenwideawake · 27/07/2023 22:00

Context is everything;

"Hey, you're stressed. Why don't I look after the kids while you give yourself the boost/treat that will make you feel better about yourself?"

"Hey, you should shape up, otherwise I'll have to look elsewhere"

  1. Good
  2. LTB
Didiplanthis · 27/07/2023 22:01

My hair is almost completely white now.. I'm 48 .. its genetic. My 13 yr old already has a few grey hairs... my hair also grows incredibly fast.. I tried for years but couldn't keep up with dying it. My DH has never once mentioned it...

StartSWagaintomorrow · 27/07/2023 22:03

Make him take your makeup off for you every night then he will soon change his tune!

hamstersarse · 27/07/2023 22:14

I like to look after my appearance, just makes me feel generally more confident.

I think there’s something to be said for good grooming: it used to be a thing!

Are you sure this hasn’t touched a truth nerve? That if you are honest, you aren’t really looking after yourself?

Sittingonabench · 27/07/2023 22:19

I understand your hurt - he’s clearly hit a bit of a nerve. What he said was insensitive but as pp have suggested he may not mean it how you have taken it. Your post suggests you rely on his external validation and I would work on that. Also I would think about what he said and what you really think about it. Nobody is getting any younger, grey hairs will creep in as well as lines. You may as well embrace it. However most of us can be healthier - that may not include losing weight but finding happiness and balance.

Allthings · 27/07/2023 22:20

You have not given sufficient context about what your DH has done or not done which is causing upset, other than he doesn’t like your roots and prefers it when you dye your hair. Everything appears to be you saying you have put n weight, don’t do this that or the other in terms of painting nails and shaving etc and it is not clear if he is saying you should be doing it, or if he is, what the motivation behind it is.

It does sound like you are struggling the peri menopause, which can be brutal.

Is taking more care of your self related to your health and peri or dying your hair and painting your nails?

Self care which can incorporate doing things around health as well as other things that make you feel good or bring you joy can be very helpful in dealing with peri.

Sorry, but I am struggling to work out if anyone is being unreasonable without sufficient context.

Original poster
Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 22:23

Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear others opinions. He had made a comment on an old photo, about how good I looked. I asked him what about now and his reply was “well you could take better care of yourself” he didn’t say the hair or the weight comment but I knew that’s what he meant due to previous conversations. I’m not totally unkempt, I usually always feel ok with what I’m wearing/how I look in general, I will eventually embrace the grey I think, I occasionally let it go a little longer between touch ups, I’m still not ready to take the leap just yet, my roots don’t bother me, I don’t particularly care if others think it’s unattractive, it’s just I don’t want him to think that. But I don’t feel I’ve let myself go other than what I mentioned, I’ve only gone up a dress size in most of my clothes. I definitely am more sensitive if he’s the one making a comment, if it was anyone else I’d most likely brush it off. I don’t think he means to hurt me, he just can’t seem to apologise or understand my feelings when he has.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 27/07/2023 22:24

VerityUnreasonble · 27/07/2023 21:08

When was the last time he shaved his legs, dyed his hair, got his nails and eyebrows done, put on a proper full face of make up and dolled himself up to impress you?

Or made any effort other than doing things he just happens to like doing for himself?

Well said.
OP, don’t waste any time or thought worrying about what he said. If YOU want to paint your nails etc then do so. But do it for you. If my DH dared to comment in that vein he would seriously regret it.