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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so hurt by a little comment

91 replies

Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 19:53

Am I wrong for being really upset by my partner saying I should take more care of myself. We’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 children, I was a 8/10 then I’m a size 12 now, I wear similar clothes to what I always have, I like how I dress, I am going grey, he doesn’t like it when my hair roots show and prefers when I dye my hair. I’ve never been a big make up wearer, but feel I make similar efforts for nights out, and my usual mascara for the rest of the time. Now I am usually quite sensitive, I’m a bit emotional immature maybe, due to lots of things growing up including losing a parent and various other things in my early life I don’t feel I cope too well with feelings of hurt, I want to be reassured. However that said I know where my faults are and try to acknowledge them. We are both morally decent, his work allows him more free time than me, so he can go to the gym more, he does do his share of house work and kid stuff. I am also peri menopausal so I know I’m lacking motivation and confidence at the minute, I do try to exercise and eat well most of the time, but I am struggling to lose weight and generally feel a bit low I know I’m looking older. I don’t always shave and very rarely paint my nails. I just think he should try to be more supportive or at least acknowledge when he knows he has upset me. He’s not great with mental health or hormonal issues, it’s almost like a man up attitude. Thanks for reading. Please be kind.

OP posts:
MrsMorrisey · 28/07/2023 07:00

Well OP you did ask. 🤷‍♀️

Vettrianofan · 28/07/2023 07:06

DH has never once told me I am fat. Been with him almost 20 years. Your DH should be more respectful. It isn't easy losing weight the older you get.

I have weight to lose but doing my best as it's school holidays. Have accepted miracles won't happen. It takes time.

Vettrianofan · 28/07/2023 07:10

Buy him some men's make up. See how he likes that!

gogogo98 · 28/07/2023 07:54

My partner told me they weren't attractied to me few years ago. Someone else was involved in that they were getting more friendly and I found out and comments were said when I asked what's going on?
All the time before that they said I had beautiful eyes hair smile.
Since that comment we are still together and they said they didn't mean but I think abut that comment several times daily and just can't unhear it now.
Makes me very sad and i frequently fantasise about revamping my appearance but never look great as need to lose 4-5 stone and can't get the motivation.

gogogo98 · 28/07/2023 08:02

I would never hurt someone by making a personal commitment about their appearance. I have never been a overly confident person so it really affected me.
What my partner and yours did is unkind and surprised me as didn't think they were that sort of person.

Maniplusa · 28/07/2023 08:09

I've mixed feelings on this. 'Taking care of myself' is important to me. My mum was always groomed, made up and tried to maintain a weight she felt confident at and I do the same. I hate dyeing my hair but hate the look of my white roots even more. I enjoy wearing make up every day and while my body has definitely been through the wars after 3 kids and I'm carrying and extra 10 lbs, I do like to wear nice clothes that flatter my shape. I do it for me, but I know that my husband likes my look. If I stopped doing the extra things, I don't think my husband would say anything but he would still have a preference. My husband also takes very good care of himself and if he stopped, I wouldn't say anything but I still have a preference too.

Im sorry you feel hurt. Do you want to look a certain way but don't have time for it? A lot of people are saying that thinking about the external is very shallow, but often its representative of what's going on inside. Sometimes with motherhood, we get dropped to the bottom of the pile of priorities and instead end up with nothing left for ourselves. It seems futile to put on make up just to run after kids all day or find an hour to dye and dry your hair when you just want to sit with a glass of wine in front on netflix or get some sleep. If you felt fresh, well rested and energised more often, would you feel more inclined to want to 'take care of yourself'? Genuine questions, because your response is making me think that you are actually not happy with how you look. Nobody has to made up, and your inherent worth as a human isn't connected to your looks, but it does go deeper than skin deep if you start looking at the psychology behind how you present yourself and why.

Threenow · 28/07/2023 08:46

I wouldn't have been upset if my DH (when I had one) said that to me, but I most certainly would have been angry - and let him know!

gogogo98 · 28/07/2023 12:51

Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 19:53

Am I wrong for being really upset by my partner saying I should take more care of myself. We’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 children, I was a 8/10 then I’m a size 12 now, I wear similar clothes to what I always have, I like how I dress, I am going grey, he doesn’t like it when my hair roots show and prefers when I dye my hair. I’ve never been a big make up wearer, but feel I make similar efforts for nights out, and my usual mascara for the rest of the time. Now I am usually quite sensitive, I’m a bit emotional immature maybe, due to lots of things growing up including losing a parent and various other things in my early life I don’t feel I cope too well with feelings of hurt, I want to be reassured. However that said I know where my faults are and try to acknowledge them. We are both morally decent, his work allows him more free time than me, so he can go to the gym more, he does do his share of house work and kid stuff. I am also peri menopausal so I know I’m lacking motivation and confidence at the minute, I do try to exercise and eat well most of the time, but I am struggling to lose weight and generally feel a bit low I know I’m looking older. I don’t always shave and very rarely paint my nails. I just think he should try to be more supportive or at least acknowledge when he knows he has upset me. He’s not great with mental health or hormonal issues, it’s almost like a man up attitude. Thanks for reading. Please be kind.

Maybe let them know a few things they could improve on themselves
See if they enjoy being told

gogogo98 · 28/07/2023 12:52

I'm sure they are not perfect
If you do anything do it for yourself and go out with some mates

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 28/07/2023 13:01

He’s focusing on very superficial things that suit his idea of what women should look like and then judging you for not meeting his standard. If you’re wearing things you are comfortable in and put makeup on when it suits you to then that’s rightly your choice to make, not his. I’d find his shallowness pretty unattractive because this isn’t him worrying about your health or hygiene - it’s just crap like natural grey roots showing. YANBU.

Ponoka7 · 28/07/2023 13:06

If I was looking at an old photo of me, I wouldn't ask someone if I looked as good now, because I don't. It isn't as important to me, as I've aged I'm more comfortable in my skin. I won't invest the time or money that I used to. You asked, he should have shown more sensitivity, but he answered honestly. I think that you should ask him if how you've changed your beauty routine really does bother him, get it all out and put it to rest.

godlikeAI · 28/07/2023 13:39

Really surprised by responses here - I mean, of course a partner should look beyond the superficial, but maintaining your looks, within reason, is hardly that much to ask. It’s nice to feel attracted to your partner and it’s nice to make a basic effort, surely? Things that hurt often do so because they have hit a nerve and are true

Baldieheid · 28/07/2023 13:43

Pat his belly with a concerned smile and suggest he skip the beer, doughnuts and chocolate for a few weeks. It would clear up his skin too, so win, win! Tinkly laugh.

Usedtolikefood · 28/07/2023 13:49

Didiplanthis · 27/07/2023 22:01

My hair is almost completely white now.. I'm 48 .. its genetic. My 13 yr old already has a few grey hairs... my hair also grows incredibly fast.. I tried for years but couldn't keep up with dying it. My DH has never once mentioned it...

I love white hair! I think it looks great!

ManateeFair · 28/07/2023 14:42

He had made a comment on an old photo, about how good I looked

It sounds like your DH is one of those men who doesn't understand that 'taking care of yourself' and 'remaining the same age forever' are not the same thing. It sounds to me like you are taking care of yourself just fine, but he has failed to grasp that women, just like men, do look different at 40 than they do at 25.

Firstworldprobs · 28/07/2023 15:11

OnlyFannys · 27/07/2023 23:01

My partner often points out that I look homeless most of the time.(he is correct 😂) when I'm not dressed to go out for the day/evening but he says he loves the way I am confident enough to be completely natural around him. He is lucky that he adds the second part.

I have three looks: homeless, beauty queen, 12 year old boy 😂

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