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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so hurt by a little comment

91 replies

Bibby98 · 27/07/2023 19:53

Am I wrong for being really upset by my partner saying I should take more care of myself. We’ve been together for 15 years and have 2 children, I was a 8/10 then I’m a size 12 now, I wear similar clothes to what I always have, I like how I dress, I am going grey, he doesn’t like it when my hair roots show and prefers when I dye my hair. I’ve never been a big make up wearer, but feel I make similar efforts for nights out, and my usual mascara for the rest of the time. Now I am usually quite sensitive, I’m a bit emotional immature maybe, due to lots of things growing up including losing a parent and various other things in my early life I don’t feel I cope too well with feelings of hurt, I want to be reassured. However that said I know where my faults are and try to acknowledge them. We are both morally decent, his work allows him more free time than me, so he can go to the gym more, he does do his share of house work and kid stuff. I am also peri menopausal so I know I’m lacking motivation and confidence at the minute, I do try to exercise and eat well most of the time, but I am struggling to lose weight and generally feel a bit low I know I’m looking older. I don’t always shave and very rarely paint my nails. I just think he should try to be more supportive or at least acknowledge when he knows he has upset me. He’s not great with mental health or hormonal issues, it’s almost like a man up attitude. Thanks for reading. Please be kind.

OP posts:
veryverytiredmummy · 27/07/2023 22:30

How do you feel about you?
If you're ok with it then it's his problem. If actually you feel you're a bit overweight and maybe would feel better if you made more of an effort I'd recommend the fast 800 keto and Boots or John Lewis often do free makeup sessions. Have a look up the colours (summer/autumn) thing to work out what looks best on you (iykwim). And if you're finding the grey is outrunning the dye then maybe think about going blonde. Maybe he knows you well and is trying to help you feel better.

BUT. If this is all about him and what he wants and actually you were quite happy thank you, then tell him you may have gained a bit of weight but he appears to have lost all his manners. If he doesn't like it he knows where the door is. YANBU to be upset at his unjustified rudeness.

Watchkeys · 27/07/2023 22:38

I'd ask him to elaborate. Hopefully, whilst he's saying to you 'You could do with losing a bit of weight' and 'I'd like you to shave your legs more and wear makeup more often', he'll realise what a superficial... person... he sounds like, but also, you can elaborate too. 'Oh, but I don't want to paint my nails. I feel like I'm looking after myself better if I take the time I would have used painting my nails to sit and read my book' etc.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 27/07/2023 22:38

Hugasauras · 27/07/2023 20:02

I'm sure some people will be on his side here, but I have to say, 'he doesn't like it when my hair roots show' made me go WTF. I don't think my husband has ever even noticed hair roots! Much less felt like he should comment on them.

I don't paint my nails, I don't often wear make-up. I shave my legs very sporadically. I wear clean clothes, I shower frequently, I brush my hair. That's taking care of myself for me. Does he actually want you to take care of yourself, or does he want you to do stuff that's actually for his benefit?

You have hit the nail on the head here.@Hugasauras
I would add dh comments are bloody rude and by your tone OP his bullying is making you question yourself.
Don’t let his comments affect your confidence.

He has upset you, tell him and if not forthcoming I’d ask for an apology.

MuthaBacon · 27/07/2023 22:43

I was prepared to give this guy the benefit of the doubt at first: maybe he just meant the OP could put herself first for a change, deserved a bit pampering or whatever......then I read the OP's latest update and no, he's just a thoughtless, shallow prick after all.

Twyford · 27/07/2023 22:43

Tell him if you can put up with his thinning hair and small prick, he can put up with your hair roots.

pinkishlemonade · 27/07/2023 22:49

Does he wear make up and dye his hair? It is 2023 after all.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/07/2023 22:52

VerityUnreasonble · 27/07/2023 21:08

When was the last time he shaved his legs, dyed his hair, got his nails and eyebrows done, put on a proper full face of make up and dolled himself up to impress you?

Or made any effort other than doing things he just happens to like doing for himself?

This

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 27/07/2023 22:53

I have mixed feelings about this subject. I don’t think it’s acceptable for either party to decide that now they are married, they don’t need to make an effort. Although you can’t turn back the clock, and many people will put on a few pounds as they age, they can still take care of their appearance. However, partners should be supportive of each other, and not cause hurt by thoughtless comments.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/07/2023 22:55

It depends if the comment was meant as 'you should make yourself look nicer' or 'you shouldn't work such long hours, you should take care of your health and rest and do things you enjoy more' if the second he adores you, if the first he is being judgmental.

But..... I think you should take his advice either way. Making more time to invest in yourself might mean less time to cook for him or clean the house etc but it will make you happier (and also have the secondary impact of being good for your relationship- take it from someone who let themself go into burnout and this contributed to my relationship ending)

LadyBird1973 · 27/07/2023 22:59

I'm mixed on this too. On the one hand I think true love is blind to a bit of weight gain and undyed roots, but otoh, attraction isn't something we have much control over and if partners stop making an effort to be attractive for each other, that's not good. A person whose appearance changes a lot (ie big weight gain) cannot guarantee that their dp will still fancy them.
Personally, I really hate beards and this would affect attraction - it sounds shallow because love is love but physical attraction is beyond our control.
But then again, people do age and he probably doesn't look identical to the man you first met either!

You did kind of push him into answering your leading question. He was being honest, even if shallow.

OnlyFannys · 27/07/2023 23:01

My partner often points out that I look homeless most of the time.(he is correct 😂) when I'm not dressed to go out for the day/evening but he says he loves the way I am confident enough to be completely natural around him. He is lucky that he adds the second part.

Incognito2023 · 27/07/2023 23:14

My first instinct was “ how rude, how dare he” - but actually
You have not given sufficient context about what your DH has done or not done which is causing upset, other than he doesn’t like your roots and prefers it when you dye your hair.

Then - you posted your update, and now I’ve changed my mind. I nearly didn’t post this as you asked us to be kind, but plenty of other lovely women have jumped on in true MN fashion to reassure you the man is always wrong, so

OP, kindly as I can, I think you are being over sensitive, and almost definitely have low self-esteem.

You asked him a “does my bum look fat in this?” type question! HE didn’t just come out with a rude comment, you asked for his opinion. In fact, he was complimenting how you used to look in the photo. (and all of us looked better when we were younger!)

I think it would be a shame for your own lack of confidence (about weight, nails, not shaving etc) to cause damage to your relationship with him when I don’t think he has been derogatory.
You could tell him how insecure you are feeling, and mention that you would really appreciate compliments now and then but is that him? Did he ever do that? Because if not, could you trust it to be sincere…? I suspect you wouldn’t believe him if he did say nice things.

OP - you are gorgeous, you are worthy and you must believe in yourself! (please don’t blame it all on him)

SapphireSeptember · 27/07/2023 23:16

I think I've mentioned this before, but I don't think the blokes who go on about their partners wearing makeup and painting their nails have the kind of makeup and nail polish that I like in mind. I don't dye my hair either, although like someone mentioned up thread I can't wait for it to turn white so I can dye it pink. Currently sporting a white streak (I'm 34.) I refuse to cover up my white hairs, I love them. If your DH is acting like a shallow prick like you suspect, you need to tell him how you feel.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/07/2023 23:16

hamstersarse · 27/07/2023 22:14

I like to look after my appearance, just makes me feel generally more confident.

I think there’s something to be said for good grooming: it used to be a thing!

Are you sure this hasn’t touched a truth nerve? That if you are honest, you aren’t really looking after yourself?

Good grooming isn’t about dying your hair. It’s about having a good cut and maintaining it, about taking care of your skin, hands and nails, and wearing clothes and shoes that have been carefully looked after.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 27/07/2023 23:28

What an arse. I hope you told him how hurt you are.

How do you feel about your appearance? If you are happy then ignore him. If you want to make a few changes then make sure he is looking after the kids and put the cost of the new clothes and the regular hairdresser appointment on the family card.

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 23:33

Can I suggest you look at this another way?

DH made a comment to me over 20 years ago that I had got a bit dowdy! I was furious, when he said it, but when I thought about it, I realised he was right. At the time he said it, I was wearing dark navy jeans with a dark green fleece. I've always been very style conscious, wearing colours etc. and I wasn't doing that any more.

What it did do was make me think, "he is never ever going to fucking say that to me again!" I'm glad he said it, because he's never had cause to make any such comment (yes, ok at home I'll be relaxed and comfy etc) and it's important to me to be well-dressed, well-shod and well presented.

RachelNoire · 27/07/2023 23:36

I wish you could post a pic of him so we can comment on his “looks”. What an arsehole he sounds.Hmm

JudgeRinderonTinder · 27/07/2023 23:36

Doesn’t like your roots going grey? Tell him to f*ck off, OP, that’s life. I bet he looks fantastic and hasn’t aged a day since you met?

RachelNoire · 27/07/2023 23:37

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 23:33

Can I suggest you look at this another way?

DH made a comment to me over 20 years ago that I had got a bit dowdy! I was furious, when he said it, but when I thought about it, I realised he was right. At the time he said it, I was wearing dark navy jeans with a dark green fleece. I've always been very style conscious, wearing colours etc. and I wasn't doing that any more.

What it did do was make me think, "he is never ever going to fucking say that to me again!" I'm glad he said it, because he's never had cause to make any such comment (yes, ok at home I'll be relaxed and comfy etc) and it's important to me to be well-dressed, well-shod and well presented.

Well-shod? What are you? A palomino?! Confused

Catsmere · 27/07/2023 23:59

Hair dye and makeup are not "taking care of yourself". What he really wants is increased fuckability, you pandering to his sexual desires. Stuff that.

Catsmere · 28/07/2023 00:00

RachelNoire · 27/07/2023 23:37

Well-shod? What are you? A palomino?! Confused

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Neigh!

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 06:22

He sounds like the emotionally immature one.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 06:24

Canthave2manycats · 27/07/2023 23:33

Can I suggest you look at this another way?

DH made a comment to me over 20 years ago that I had got a bit dowdy! I was furious, when he said it, but when I thought about it, I realised he was right. At the time he said it, I was wearing dark navy jeans with a dark green fleece. I've always been very style conscious, wearing colours etc. and I wasn't doing that any more.

What it did do was make me think, "he is never ever going to fucking say that to me again!" I'm glad he said it, because he's never had cause to make any such comment (yes, ok at home I'll be relaxed and comfy etc) and it's important to me to be well-dressed, well-shod and well presented.

So he successfully made you feel shit about yourself and manipulated you into doing what he wanted…?

ZairWazAnOldLady · 28/07/2023 06:29

Well how kind of him to share that! What a charmer. Tell me do you ever suggest ways he could “improve”?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 28/07/2023 06:57

anastaisia · 27/07/2023 20:46

This response is perfect. But use the time for things you really enjoy, not just fitness and beauty stuff (unless that’s what makes you happy)

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Totally agree! Taking care of yourself doesn't need to mean the beautification of yourself, and i think thats what Op husband is saying!
If I had more time for me I do some hobby stuff and I would LOVE to have more time to.do that and DH would fully support me - he already tells me to!