Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

I wouldn’t dream of charging rent unless I needed the money. Good luck, you sound like a great young person with a bright future.

Play along for now, but know they don't see you as anything other than a resource to exploit. Make sure that comes back to haunt them when the time is right
There's a lot of sheer spite in your post (you're clearly projecting massively), but there's not a lot of actual logic, is there?
It's 30 quid pw. If op's parents have the desire to exploit someone for money; they need lessons on how to do it properly... Thirty quid 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think YABU as £30 a week is nothing and it is good to learn the lesson that you need to pay your way in life. You couldn't live anywhere else for £30 per week.

You can only afford a social life if you earn the money for it. You can only afford train tickets if you have the money for it.

When I earned £28.50 a week in my first "job" which was YTS at a bank, my parents took £7 a week off me. I probably got it back in other ways, but I learned the lesson that I had to pay my way.

When I bought my first house, I had no spare money and worked one night a week in a pub to pay for my social life at the weekend.

I agree, it really is next to nothing; absolutely a token amount!

Are you being a bit picky about the sorts of jobs you'll take? Care assistant in a nursing home are in demand around here, as well as hospitality, factory shifts....i wonder if your parents are a bit worried you are in a bit of a bubble about real life. £30 is not a lot and I wouldn't argue with it.

Sounds like a crap age for a training contract though-they were £12000 pa about 20 years ago so sadly still only attracting the sort of people whose parents can afford to subsidize them. You might have to reign in your spending for a couple of years more, rubbish I know after being a student for 3 years. If BF is working tell him to come to you or you slum it on the Megabus -no money for socialising won't hurt, there's plenty of free events at city law firms and barristers chambers. And if you need extras at a certain point e.g new suit, you could ask for help then.

I would say pay it, but never forget that they did this to you. There may come a time when they are older that they rely on you for help and that's when you can tell them to get stuffed, they're on their own.

Over 30 quid a week? You can't be serious.

£30 is an extraordinarily gentle introduction to real world costs.

I would accept this offer gratefully in your shoes- it’d cost you a hell of a lot more to live anywhere else.

you dont get child benefit for 21 year olds

Congratulations on your training contract!
Are you sure you’re going to have to pay for your own books? When I did the GDL/LPC (granted it was some years ago) books were included in the course fee and that was paid by my firm.
I’d try and get another tutoring job if I were you. You have a degree and good grades so you should be able to earn much more tutoring than doing bar work. I think £30 per week living expenses is pretty good to be honest. You’ve already secured your job so if you have to scrimp and save a bit for the next two years that’s ok.

£30 is a bargain.

I paid £50 a week more than 25 years ago.

I would say pay it, but never forget that they did this to you. There may come a time when they are older that they rely on you for help and that's when you can tell them to get stuffed, they're on their own.

Over 30 quid a week? You can't be serious.

Absolutely! ‘They did this to you’ would be more like renting OP’s room out to a lodger at market rate so she couldn’t live at home.

What have they done to her? A roof over her head, her own room, food, bills, broadband, everything paid for for just £1,140 a year, 12% of her income, is a bargain.

I wouldn’t charge mine to stay at home if in education. Unless I really really needed the money and even then I’d try to find alternate routes.

I think your parents aren’t behaving well as they don’t need the money.

congrats on your training contract, you can get out and away from them soon enough,

Your complaining about £30. You are having a laugh. I paid £270 a month 25 years ago. You are an adult. You have your food and accommodation paid for. £30 isn't rent. £30 is trying to teach you responsibility. Get a part time job.

You pay your bills first, before socialising and savings - so all the stuff you've listed is irrelevant. I think you need to get in the real world. £30 a week is nothing.

Firstly, register with some agencies and do online tutoring while you're studying. It pays more per hour than working in retail or catering, there's no travel or clothing requirement, and you can arrange your sessions flexibly. My d is a med student in London and fits in 2-3 hours a week around her study and placement.

My d has London rent, bills and travel to pay, along with London prices for food etc. £27k is far more than she has to live on, between her (minimum) student loan and our contribution, she has less than £20k - so while it would be nice to have some savings, especially as you'll have moving costs and deposit to find, saving £7k this year is making things unnecessarily hard and stressful this year. Maybe aim to save 4k rather than 7?

I think YABU to think you can decide what to save before you have covered your basic expenses. You can't afford to save £7000. £30 per week is not even rent, it's a contribution to the food bill. Of course you should pay it.

How entitled?! Jesus, they’ve already bankrolled you and now you resent paying a pittance towards what it costs for an adult to live.

Move out now then you won’t have to pay them And get a part time job like everyone who isn’t loaded does.

I don't think £30 a week is a lot, it will hardly even cover your food. I think that you are even complaining about it is surprising. You are 21 years old - at what age do you think it you should be financially independent?

Nothing as you are still at uni

This totally!!!!!

it seems to me as if you would like to socialise, visit your boyfriend and save more than 50% of your income.

even though you realistically couldn’t afford any of this without parental support (as in accommodation etc).

that would essentially mean that your parents were the ones covering the intentionally created hole in your finances.

which means that your savings would essentially come out of your parents pockets.
I absolutely understand that they’re not too fond of that idea!

but I also understand that this will feel incredibly unfair when you compare yourself to friends and colleagues that don’t need to worry about finances or about their housing costs.

but that’s life. And learning how to make and stick to a budget is an incredibly valuable life skill.

Your parents are asking for a token amount - £30 is very low. They are already subsidising you. Personally I would just pay up.

@FrostieBoabby sums it up nicely for me.
Parental support is great but learning to stand on your own two feet is better.