Did anyone have irrational stress around sending baby/child to nursery and did you get used to it in the end?

[stressedpot]

My baby will go to nursery four days a week at 11 months. I am SO conflicted by it all. I could stay at home longer and re apply for jobs in another six months but I like my company and want to stay ideally. Then I feel selfish wanting that when I don’t strictly need to go back. Considered a nanny but I know I would be checking up on them etc in the house while I worked from home so don’t think I would get much work done.

I am getting so worried about this I can’t sleep! He seems so little still. I worry about him being harmed (I know this is unlikely), I worry about abuse and if he will be left alone (not literally but I mean not played with for a while as they are so busy). I worry if he will eat properly. At the same time I am going a bit mad at home with him and feel drained everyday. Starting to feel I shouldn’t have had dc if I can’t cope with this! I love him so much and feel whatever I do will be wrong.

Yanbu. It's hard when they first go. I cried when I dropped my first off for his first days.
The reality is, the quicker you leave, the quicker they settle and have fun. Quick kiss and cuddle, cheery bye bye, see you later and get outta there.
He is highly highly unlikely to come to any harm, don't worry! The key workers become attached to the children and they have lovely bonds. I've occasionally teared up when our nursery workers greet my children so happily in the morning.

God yes. And if I'm honest I don't think my relationship with my son (where I went back at 9 months) was the same as with my daughter (went back at 15 months). Purely for reasons of my own making and guilt. It wasn't really until COVID that I felt like I was at home more and could make amends.

Two options given we're in a cost of living crisis. I don't think moving jobs is one because kids get insanely sick at nursery and the stress of that on a probation period is awful. So stay in your job.

1. Go back - kids are in nursery ALL the time and he will absolutely be fine. Better to be in a job that know your capabilities and can give you a bit of slack if you need it. The worries you have are normal but he"ll be fine. The anticipation is 100% worse than reality.
2. Ask work if you can take extended unpaid leave for a further 6 months.

And regarding sleeping and eating, nursery workers are magic like that 😁 they always got mine to sleep while they were still breasts to sleep at home. Plus my kids were always less fussy at nursery than home. I'm still confused how my youngest eats cucumber and tomato at nursery but not at home 🤷🏼‍♀️

I felt really guilty and looking back it was such a waste of emotional energy. I went back at 6 months with baby 1 because that’s when paid maternity ended. She was absolutely fine. Took to it straight away. Baby 2 was 9 months and clingy and mummy mad. It was really hard leaving her. She doesn’t remember this at all and still has happy memories of her time there. Neither of them were great with naps at nursery or home, baby 2 was an incredibly fussy eater. No nursery magic worked on my two. They were happy and thriving though. Didn’t impact on their attachment to me or DH.

@Eileen101 this would make me think they are pretending she’s eaten! 🤦‍♀️

They'll tell you though if she hasn't :)

They absolutely won't hide anything from you. Anecdotal of course, but our nursery use the feedback from the kids to change things. For example, the stir fry is being removed from the menu because plenty of kids refused it!

Plus (I think this is the general 'done thing') most places print out a diary sheet every day up to the age of 2, listing all nappy changes, milk feeds, food eaten and activities done.

That's because they say they've settled well and eaten tomato and cucumber because they have to do a write up for ofsted and they don't want parents to worry and pull them out.
I'm not saying they come to harm there, but the awkward lies some members of staff told to parents made me leave the childcare industry.
And when mums on MN say 'nurseries are magic' it makes me die a little inside because I know it's just not true.

Yes I think it’s normal to worry, it’s such a big step.

When my DS actually went, it was much less of a big deal emotionally (for me) than I thought it was going to be.

Our nursery has an app and they upload pictures of what they’ve been up to through the day.

And yes they will eat things there that they won’t at home because all the other kids are. And they will sleep longer because they wake up and all the other kids are asleep so they decide to go back to sleep too!

Being worried about it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.

p.s. nursery do tell me sometimes that he didn’t eat any of the lunch. So he had some bread and butter instead. They don’t want hungry, grumpy kids, they will feed them!

It’s normal to worry but I think nursery is so beneficial. He will do different activities, learn key social skills etc. yes he’ll catch colds and bump himself but that’s inevitably

I think being honest I would say stay with the baby, you obviously want to but you seem to have this internal feeling that that's silly. It's not, that's our society.

You never get the time back. Your child will be there on your deathbed, not this company.

I've worked in a nursery with very young babies and they don't want to be there, they want their parents. The workers are very young and inexperienced with babies. I sent mine at age 2 and it was perfect. There's absolutely no need to learn social skills when you're a baby. All they want and need is their mother and their milk.

6mo extra at work isn't going to make or break your career, and it doesn't sound like you financially need to go back.

Could you consider staying home another 6mo and putting DC in for say 2 mornings a week or something? Depending on if you can get a partial place like that. It might get you a bit more space to yourself, you still have most days at home together for the bonding you clearly want to do, and you get used to the nursery environment/ figure out your comfort levels with it?

Its completely normal to feel this way, I second the person above who suggests asking to extend mat leave unpaid. I did this with baby number 2 because the cost of paying for 2 nursery places made working slightly pointless. I asked for 6 months unpaid and got it (his took me to a point where child#1 had some free hours) kept my familiar job, stayed at home with child 2 until 18mnths old win win for me at the time.

Mine started nursery at 3 months. Some nurseries are most definitely magic, of course the quality varies. I’m thrilled with the nursery we use.

P.S in my sons baby room, only one is young and inexperienced because she’s still learning. The others aren’t young and have plenty of experience.

YANBU. They’re all valid concerns.

It’s tough OP!

But he’ll settle in fine.

Personally - and it is just a personal preference - I think a child minder or nanny is better for the under 2.5s. If a nanny is too expensive or you think it would drive you crackers at home, then you could look at a child minder or a nanny share at someone else’s house.

But hood nurseries can be very good too.

All totally normal feelings and there is no right or wrong answer. Feel empowered to make whatever decision is right for your family.

If you are happy with your nursery choice and it’s a lovely setting then I promise you all babies settle at nursery and it is best to have a quick AND CHEERFUL goodbye - let baby see you positive and happy and confident handing them over.

I would advice going back for 3-6 months if everyone is happy and you’ve found a routine that is working for you - great! If not, sack it all off and stay home with your baby. It’s your choice. No decision is final and you can change your mind at any time!

Good luck.

advise*

Nurseries are there for a reason and I didn't think it was healthy to put stress onto my child no matter how much parents try and hide it babies and kids know when their parents are stressed

I happily did drop off's and happily did pick ups, there is no medal we get for how much we can't be without our babies

@BeaumontLivinston what age would you say is youngest to go?

It depends on the child but I would honestly say 2. I sent mine for 3 hours a day.

I got to working from home doing what I do so I did it around that.

Career is important, I really need to get back into it since neglecting it to be focused on my child and that has its own drawbacks, but if you're going to choose one I would choose the child every time.

I'm not seeking a job where I can mingle with people instead of kids all day. I have been working but it's been a bit difficult and we're not well off. Now she's going into a bigger year with more after school activities I'm looking for roles but I'm not young and it's a big career gap but I believe it's possible and even if it wasn't, I spent those years nurturing my child and the bond we have is brilliant because of it.

I can't compare it to a different situation as I've only had one.

I wouldn't send before 2. I'd be doing groups and parks and soft plays. They're funny places, you should find a good one with a nice cafe, maybe join some home ed groups or local groups or a church to gain a group you could organise things with. (you can get in with the home ed groups as your child isn't in school) they can be an interesting bunch and I've made some good friends that way.

When I look back on the years she was a baby I'm so glad I was there for all of it. It creates a secure attachment and they don't mind leaving you when the time comes. Mine walked happily into nursery and seemed to enjoy every minute. She's very good at making friends, perhaps it took her a few weeks to settle in since she'd never been in a nursery, but we did spend the first year in baby groups and the second with other groups including kids and adults so she wasn't isolated.

But I am somewhat isolated. Not having a job, every single school run, appointment, entertaining friends, constant tidying and cleaning. I cannot wait to get into an office or something!

Perhaps your company will give you more time?

Or is there the possibility you set yourself up in whatever it is you do so that you can do it remotely, independently, contractually, in a role that is 100% remote, or retrain?

I always suspected I would become a SAHM after my mat leave was up and that is exactly how it panned out. It didn't feel right to leave him with strangers and go back to work. I sent my son to preschool when he was 3 as I thought he would benefit from it at that age. I understand not everyone has this choice however.

My 11 month old started nursery last month, 4 days a week. I feel exactly the same. I was made redundant on maternity leave and had to start a new job, and haven't been there long enough to negotiate part time yet.

I hate it, and feel so guilty, and am constantly thinking about packing in my job. But it's local and flexible and well paid, and I'm not sure I'll find something as convenient in the future. So I'm persevering for now and taking things one day at a time.

I guess you've got to weigh everything up and make a judgement call. The way I see it, it's worth giving work and nursery a go - I can always change things in the future.

I worked in nurseries for years, we were always over ratio even in the baby room. Sometimes we would have 12 babies with only 3 staff members, and this was a nursery that charged higher than normal fees and had a well known reputation for being "the best". It wasn't. The staff were a mixed bag, mostly young girls out of college with little experience, a few older more experienced ones and some really awful ones.

We were encouraged to only tell parents positive things when settling in. So it was always that there child had settled well, eaten "most" of their lunch and had a good day even when they had screamed all morning, ate one bite of lunch and slept all afternoon from exhaustion.

Most children do settle in after a few weeks though, I found the babies who only did 1 day a week the most difficult to settle.

It wasn't a horrible place for babies to be, they got to play with toys and other babies, occasionally do messy play/painting, got fed, played with, and were safe.

But after working there it made me realise that it wouldn't be a place I'd want to send my own baby. An older child 2+ would get a lot more out of it than a young baby.