Did anyone have irrational stress around sending baby/child to nursery and did you get used to it in the end?

[stressedpot]

My baby will go to nursery four days a week at 11 months. I am SO conflicted by it all. I could stay at home longer and re apply for jobs in another six months but I like my company and want to stay ideally. Then I feel selfish wanting that when I don’t strictly need to go back. Considered a nanny but I know I would be checking up on them etc in the house while I worked from home so don’t think I would get much work done.

I am getting so worried about this I can’t sleep! He seems so little still. I worry about him being harmed (I know this is unlikely), I worry about abuse and if he will be left alone (not literally but I mean not played with for a while as they are so busy). I worry if he will eat properly. At the same time I am going a bit mad at home with him and feel drained everyday. Starting to feel I shouldn’t have had dc if I can’t cope with this! I love him so much and feel whatever I do will be wrong.

Nursery from 10/11 months was wonderful for both my children. They flourished with the routine and the caring staff and have grown into content, confident, independent children. The nursery staff are great at settling them and getting them to sleep and eat and it makes you enjoy and appreciate your time with them when you pick them up.

I missed them but I knew that they were having lots of fun and nursery becomes a home away from home. They did activities that I wouldn’t have done with them at home and they ate a more varied diet. The worse thing was all the bugs they catch in the first 6 months. The plus side to that is that they were rarely ill when they went to school as they had been exposed to so many bugs.

Working and having young kids in nursery was hard but it meant that the transition to school was easy for them and my career hadn’t suffered when they were more independent and I wanted to progress.

We did change nurseries a couple of times to find the right one. I’d definitely suggest going by recommendations.

Mine are 18 & 15 now and I was so worried before DS started. I have a group of friends who I got the train with from the nursery and our kids started from 3 months - 12 months; all well adjusted young adults all at university now. Most of them barely remember a thing about nursery, which means they wouldn’t have remembered a thing about staying at home too and it would have driven me insane! All great kids who are very close to their parents. It’s normal to worry, completely normal but it will be fine

@ClinkyWotsit exactly this! For people that don't want or need to go back to work then great, make the choice that is right for you. But so many people on here seem to be suggesting I should feel terrible for putting a 9mo in nursery - it was 100% the right choice for me and my family, not just from a financial point of view but because I am a much better mother for it.

My mum send me to a childminder from 16 weeks and I would defy anyone to find a closer mother/daughter pairing than us.

You're fretting because you're trying too much too soon, and it panics you. This is absolutely not an all or nothing decision. Work out a plan for the hours that would work for your child and you. If that's 5 mornings, or 2 days - fine. If it's about building up over a year to gradually add days - fine. Then try and work out that compromise with your employer. Start with a number of hours that feels genuinely doable for you.

Nope, I couldn’t send my child to nursery as a baby, it just didn’t feel right to me. Yes, absolutely, from the age of 2/3 onwards a child benefits from some socialisation, various types of play, routines etc but of course a 9 month old baby doesn’t need to be socialised, they want their parents and to be at home. The nursery staff are stepping into that role but I used to work in a nursery and hated seeing a room full of small babies who never left the nursery gates for up to 10 hours a day.

(I wouldn’t worry about harm or abuse though, the staff have a duty of care to your child and there are always (or should always be) multiple adults in the room with at least one qualified)

Hi! My little boy started nursery at 11 months old, 4 days a week. He is nearly 4 now (starting school in Sept) - and I can honestly say nursery has been the making of him! He absolutely loves it there. His speech and language has come on leaps and bounds, he's got a lovely group of friends, all in all he's a happy, confident little boy and I owe so much of that to nursery. Don't forget they are trained professionals who can support your DC in all the areas they need. I work in a school too and I can tell you everyone in this industry puts their heart and soul into it (cos let's face it nobody works in childcare/education for the money 😂). Trust your gut, don't be afraid to explore a few settings to find one you feel will be right for you, and once you find the right setting, they really will start to feel like family to you, corny as I know that sounds. Best of luck with whatever you decide xx

I think babies benefit from happy, fulfilled parents and for some that will include working parents and going to nursery.

Babies also don't know what is best for them. My baby could ''want'' me at home all he likes but the reality of it would be a bored, miserable, unfulfilled parent and I fail to see how that would be good for me or for him.

I also feel that he benefits so much from nursery. They have resources I'd never have at home and do so many different activities I'd never think of doing.

It also felt completely right to send him.

Of course your son’s speech has come on leaps and bounds… he was 11 months old when he started and is now 3 - this would have also happened had he not been in nursery!

Why did you not move her if she was that unhappy?! :-/

It is hard! We put so much pressure on ourselves to be super Mum.

My DD went to nursery at 5 months old (went on mat leave very early due to sickness and only took the 9 months)

This is different for everyone, but i felt that the opportunities nursery could give DD would be better than what i could give her if i stayed at home with her. Im not very social, get anxious around new people so baby groups were out. I didnt want my own anxieties to hold her back from her social development etc and so i dont regret sending DD.

Your LO might get hurt at nursery, infact he probably will at some point!! But he can get hurt at home whilst with you, accidents happen. I think whats important is how nursery respond to the accident and what the accident actually is. For example, DD pulled a book shelf down upon herself once and got a bruise on her head. She seemed fine except for the bruise but they still called me and I had to collect her as it was a head injury and the nursery removed the shelf and reviewed all other shelves around the nursery. So in this instance yes the accident happened and some might argue it was preventable, but I felt the actions they took were correct, they called me straight away and they removed the risk for future happenings.

It does take trust though, if you dont trust anyone but yourself to look after LO (not a criticism btw) then you will have a hard time with childcare providers. Maybe a childminder might feel better for you? At one point my DD went to both a childminder and nursery and i couldnt have asked for a better childminder, she was so kind and my DD adored her.

You'll be surprised how quickly you'll go from being scared to counting minutes till you can dump them at nursery.

I would take extra time off if you can do it and look at pre schools for when your child is 2, they are SO much nicer than nurseries with generally older experienced staff and at 2 a child is usually talking. It’s miserable dropping off your baby who is often crying going into nursery and from your post, you sound very wary as it is - would you ever really trust them?

Some of these are concerns born of unfortunate events that are true. Some of the weight of it you are feeling is anxiety. Leaving your kid is hard. No two ways around that. But it's not impossible. Maybe try and work through it with someone. I'd advise being mindful of how you approach it though because not everyone has options. I feel you know some of this is "you" because of how you'd treat a nanny as well with the checking up but some of it is just parenthood and the hard choices we have to make on the daily. Good luck x

Another ex- nursery worker here, and also have experience of being both a SAHM with my 1st, and a part time working parent who sent my 2nd into childcare (childminder) at 10mths.

I personally missed working abit the first time, the only reason I didn't go back was because I had post natal anxiety and couldn't bear to leave DD1 or trust anyone to care for her properly, especially emotionally but that was very different the 2nd time around, felt much more relaxed, so have sent DD2 to an amazing childminder.She has definitely benefitted from it, socially and developmentally.She is has been there nearly a year now and loves going still.

I am not denying that there are some good nurseries but there are also sadly alot of bad ones.Unfortunately the childcare profession is all too easy for people to get into who aren't really that passionate about children, or knowledgable about their needs, and as they have multiple staff you do tend to often get some good and some bad.
It's true that children often do eat better at other settings than at home, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

What I would beware of, is people telling you 'they will be absolutely fine'.This may well be the case but it is often not, especially with babies and toddlers.
And things can be covered up.At the nursery I worked (which had its good points but in general had alot of issues) we were incredibly overstretched, on occasions I was left in the babyroom with six under 2s on my own.I rarely was within ratio and trying to meet all their physical and emotional needs was impossible.Some babies and toddlers did OK, but many between about 9mths and 2 really struggled in such a busy, noisy and impersonal environment.

If I was you, I would definitely consider a childminder.They are much better for babies as it's a homely environment, one person, who is always there (not like keyworkers in nurseries who can be off sick/on training/on holiday which can leave their keychildren inconsolable) and you know exactly who is looking after them all day.Also, if they are a good childminder, your child and family as a whole will build up a lovely close, trusting, personal relationship with them, and they will love your child as their own.

Wherever you choose, I would say they should definitely do the following 3 things.If they don't do these things, reconsider.

1. it's normal to feel abit anxious and nervous when leaving your precious child, but these feelings should be able to subside with reassaurance from the setting- phonecalls/messages, sending photos of them having fun etc....if you continually feel panicky or concerned, or don't feel like they are sensitive and empathetic to your feelings, reconsider.

2. They should be flexible with settling in.They should be willing to let your child gradually build up their sessions (be prepared to pay for that though) to get used to the setting and people.Afew BRIEF tears or unhappiness at drop off, which quickly subsides and the child is happy the rest of the day and when collected is normal, but no setting should be expecting parents to be leaving inconsolable children with people they barely know yet- it is incredibly traumatic for both parent and child, and they should not be spending long periods upset.A child being abit upset for a short time and then reassured and effectively comforted by someone they have had time to build up a close, trusting bond with is different.

3. Go with your gut....visit multiple settings, see what feeling you get.If the person feels 'right' you will likely know pretty early on.Don't settle or compromise with someone you are not comfortable with.You can always test the water and if you still don't feel comfortable with sending him yet maybe don't go back to work til he is older, at least you might find a setting you can use in future :) Good luck, and you're not irrational, and you should definitely have had DC's....you sound like a very caring and devoted mummy!

Your 'worries' are built in animal instinct to protect your baby. It maybe common to send babies away for long periods of time but it's not natural.

Listen to your body, trust yourself. All the worries that you're feeling need to be addressed and for you to be reassured before you can move forward.

You are more than capable of making an informed decision on whether a place is safe and you feel comfy leaving your child with staff.

But do not ignore your animal instincts. Write them down and tick them off when you feel reassured. If you don't, you need to look at alternative options.

My DD started when she was 10 months in January. Totally normal to feel guilty and I definitely had those ‘she’s too tiny to go to nursery’ pangs a lot before she started. Honestly I wouldn’t change a thing - they do lovely activities, really engage the kids, send plenty of pictures and my DD seems to love it. She took a few weeks but has a great bond .
do what you want. There will ALWAYS be things we feel guilty about as mums, but the fact you are worrying just shows how much you care about your child. Whatever decision you make will undoubtedly be made with their best interests at heart so give yourself a break!!

i think nurseries MUST exaggerate how well they eat and sleep but I try to let it go - DD is a healthy weight and sleeps fine at home so there’s no problem.

its a personal choice. I need to work - I am a much better mum and we enjoy the days we spend together more. Do what works for you xx

I also echo going with your instinct. You aren’t being irrational, you are worried about the well-being of your baby, it’s sounds like you’re doing an amazing job!
I felt guilty even thinking about full time nursery and my partner / family felt the same. You need to chose the right decision for you and your baby, don’t go along with what everyone else does. A childminder is a great alternative, home-from-home experience with less children to look after (very difficult looking after 6 babies plus in a nursery..)

I have a very close friend with a desperately wanted IVF baby and she’s just told me she’s signed them up for 7am - 6pm nursery full time at 11 months, despite being very financially comfortable and saying she doesn’t need to work etc. also she’s loving maternity leave. Of course she wants to work, but I can’t relate at all, sometimes I feel like I’m programmed differently to everyone else!

I had childminders when DD was younger as I went back to work when she was 6 months old. With each one (we moved aroubd with DH's job) she was part of their family and went out and about as well as being taught educational things as she got older.

This comment reflects such a stupid, insightless viewpoint.

I look after a lot of dying people. You’d be surprised how common it is for them
to be estranged from their children. Or for their children to not be there when they die because it’s ‘upsetting’.

The money the OP earns helps support her child. That’s important too.

There’s also many many women who wish they’d had the chance to have a career.

This nonsense about ‘nobody on their death bed regrets not working more’ is just that: nonsense. Silly hyperbole.

OP if you want more time take it. If the financial side of raising your child can be met by your partner in the short term it’s fine to take more time. Your child will also be fine in nursery if that’s what you choose. There isn’t really a right choice here, every family needs to work this out for themselves.

@MissTrip82

This nonsense about ‘nobody on their death bed regrets not working more’ is just that: nonsense. Silly hyperbole.

Totally agree. I truly hate this phrase: it’s a mindless cliche which people trot out without any insight into what they are saying.

In fact a lot of people do come to really regret not working more, particularly women who never earned enough money to support themselves and are left up shit creek when their marriages fail.

I also just think what on earth is achieved by guilting a woman who is already feeling significant anxiety about going back to work. Telling her she will “never get the time back”. No shit, Sherlock, do you think she doesn’t know that?

Irs a difficult and emotionally fraught period of any woman’s life, even if the financial case for going back to work is clear cut and this OP is struggling with her feelings. What are you hoping to achieve by making her feel worthless and panicky with extreme scare stories about bad nurseries?

I don’t have a position on what the OP should do: it’s a totally personal decision and I’m sure she and her baby will be fine whatever happens. Millions of women face this decision and we all get through it.

But terrifying someone who is already anxious with ominous stories about nurseries and homespun bollocks about trusting instincts etc is just so irresponsible.

@MissTrip82 @Thepeopleversuswork 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🥰

Sorry I should have been clearer haha - it developed very quickly after he started. For a lockdown baby who'd previously spent most of his life confined to the house, it was quite amazing to see how quickly he gained those speech/social skills. Of course he'd have gained them anyway regardless but, considering I was feeling anxious about sending him like the OP, it was a nice reassurance to see him happy, settled and developing new skills in that way.

There's been some really nice advice on here OP. I wanted to just offer some reassurance if nursery is what you go for, but ultimately just listen to your gut and do what works for you and your family, whatever that looks like. Baby will thrive where ever they are if they have a loving mum like you! All the best.

Everyone is different but if you have a choice then don’t do it. Someone suggested a couple of mornings a week which is what I do before he starts full time when he’s 3. What’s more important 6 months at work or an extra 6 months with your baby? That way he will get all his colds and build his immune system for you to put him in 4 days. I just think 4 days is far too much for such a young baby, I know some people have to do that but I just couldn’t.

She was just as unhappy on the days that her loving and lovely Granny pulled her screaming from my arms to spend the day getting 1:1 care from somebody who loved her dearly and had been a significant figure in her life since birth. It's the way my particular DD is wired, she genuinely just needed me - and only me - until she was quite a bit older. I think she had a better experience the rest of the day with that 1:1 home care compared to nursery, but the parting was still very distressing for her every time. I couldn't ask my mother-in-law to do more than two days though, couldn't drop any days at work, and I actually had no concerns about her nursery setting at all. It was on site so I could get there in minutes if needed and incredibly highly rated by every single colleague and friend who had used it. Long-term, well-paid and experienced staff with childcare qualifications and a handful of qualified teachers too. Nursery in general just wasn't right for my DD. She didn't cope well at school either, and hasn't been able to attend at all for the last 18 months after hitting autistic burnout.