Page 4 | Did anyone have irrational stress around sending baby/child to nursery and did you get used to it in the end?

stressedpot · 2023-07-27T07:16:42+00:00

My baby will go to nursery four days a week at 11 months. I am SO conflicted by it all. I could stay at home longer and re apply for jobs in another six months but I like my company and want to stay ideally. Then I feel selfish wanting that when I don’t strictly need to go back. Considered a nanny but I know I would be checking up on them etc in the house while I worked from home so don’t think I would get much work done. I am getting so worried about this I can’t sleep! He seems so little still. I worry about him being harmed (I know this is unlikely), I worry about abuse and if he will be left alone (not literally but I mean not played with for a while as they are so busy). I worry if he will eat properly. At the same time I am going a bit mad at home with him and feel drained everyday. Starting to feel I shouldn’t have had dc if I can’t cope with this! I love him so much and feel whatever I do will be wrong.

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 29/07/2023 23:10

You are not being irrational. Maybe your mother's instinct is telling you your child does not have the right temperament for nursery at this age? I wish I had not ignored my instinct and let people persuade me it was irrational anxiety.

If you can afford it, you can take unpaid parental leave on the end of mat leave.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/07/2023 23:41

We are honest with our parents and say if they haven't eaten well or been unsettled because the parent needs that feedback to know what care they'll need when they get home.

A baby that hasn't eaten much of our meal may need a bit more offered before bed, or perhaps they were unsettled because they are becoming unwell.

Oliesjola · 29/07/2023 23:50

My granddaughter started nursery at 11 months and she was absolutely fine. The nursery carers were absolutely amazing and my daughter was very happy with the care her daughter was given.It was during covid so my daughter had to trust the carers and she had daily pics and videos .
My granddaughter is now three and is still thriving from the stimulation and routine she has at nursery. Please don’t worry.💐

mastertomsmum · 29/07/2023 23:54

At 11 months it’s a great time to send them. Our only difficult times were when B we had to switch to US nursery when away for a year as a toddler and when we had a judgemental nurses assistant who didn’t like DC

JST88 · 30/07/2023 09:07

Can we please normalise having such a strong bond and attachment to our children that the thought of being separated from them distresses us and that is completely normal and natural. The system is so broken and it seems like a lot of us mothers are being expected to do it all nowadays, is that really empowering us? Or is it just putting us under enormous amounts of pressure and stress? These babies need us, sure we need a break and support but it’s true what OP says about worrying; will they be played with, will they eat etc because nurseries are businesses and will cram as many kids in to make more money. My dd is 3, it’s 8 to a worker. It’s not normal/natural for one woman to be looking after 8 3yo’s, sure they’ll survive but my dd is in for a few days a week and takes the rest of the week to recover because they definitely don’t sleep as well, don’t drink anywhere near enough water, eat properly, get the nurture they need. I think your concerns are so so valid, I don’t think anyone is in the position to tell you what the right thing to do is, just know your feelings are so natural and please please follow your gut, it’s there to guide you and your connection with your baby. If you don’t need to go back FT and have the financial support could you take a career break, or reduce your hours? It’s such such a short a time until they go to school, flys by! Good luck 🤞

Stacybrown · 30/07/2023 10:34

It’s scary but my daughter has really excelled at nursery. She’s 1 year and she uses her cutlery, she’s confident, she shares toys, her speech is really advanced. She cousins around the same age who don’t go to nursery and they’re a lot further behind. Nursery is so beneficial for them.

BeaumontLivinston · 30/07/2023 10:54

MissTrip82 · 29/07/2023 10:22

This comment reflects such a stupid, insightless viewpoint.

I look after a lot of dying people. You’d be surprised how common it is for them
to be estranged from their children. Or for their children to not be there when they die because it’s ‘upsetting’.

The money the OP earns helps support her child. That’s important too.

There’s also many many women who wish they’d had the chance to have a career.

This nonsense about ‘nobody on their death bed regrets not working more’ is just that: nonsense. Silly hyperbole.

OP if you want more time take it. If the financial side of raising your child can be met by your partner in the short term it’s fine to take more time. Your child will also be fine in nursery if that’s what you choose. There isn’t really a right choice here, every family needs to work this out for themselves.

Show quote history

It's not stupid at all, and insight? I have a child, have worked in nurseries, and am speaking from experience.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/07/2023 11:20

JST88 · 30/07/2023 09:07

Can we please normalise having such a strong bond and attachment to our children that the thought of being separated from them distresses us and that is completely normal and natural. The system is so broken and it seems like a lot of us mothers are being expected to do it all nowadays, is that really empowering us? Or is it just putting us under enormous amounts of pressure and stress? These babies need us, sure we need a break and support but it’s true what OP says about worrying; will they be played with, will they eat etc because nurseries are businesses and will cram as many kids in to make more money. My dd is 3, it’s 8 to a worker. It’s not normal/natural for one woman to be looking after 8 3yo’s, sure they’ll survive but my dd is in for a few days a week and takes the rest of the week to recover because they definitely don’t sleep as well, don’t drink anywhere near enough water, eat properly, get the nurture they need. I think your concerns are so so valid, I don’t think anyone is in the position to tell you what the right thing to do is, just know your feelings are so natural and please please follow your gut, it’s there to guide you and your connection with your baby. If you don’t need to go back FT and have the financial support could you take a career break, or reduce your hours? It’s such such a short a time until they go to school, flys by! Good luck 🤞

I don't think it's ever a good idea to normalise just women staying at home. Especially when it is implied that women who want to work just don't have a strong bond or attachment to their children because that is simply untrue.

Personally, I do feel empowered having a career and financial independence.

Middlelanehogger · 30/07/2023 12:18

Normalising putting 6mo olds into institutional care is a bit unnatural though. That's not the same thing as saying women need to be SAHMs their whole lives and never have an identity or financial independence.

Finding a better solution for women requires acknowledging that yes it is a bit shit putting babies in nursery. It is a bit shit that there aren't more flexible options for women to slowly transition back to work at a pace that works for them and their babies. It is a bit shit that it's so hard to re-enter the corporate ladder once you've climbed off it for longer than 6-12mo. It is a bit shit that working norms require physically being in an office or workplace physically separate from your child.

Many, many women putting babies in nursery are doing it before they're ready and it's not for socialisation or the baby's benefit (this is different if it's 2/3/4yos of course), it's because they're making a compromise for their financial or career stability. I'm not saying it isn't the right choice in many cases, because this is the system that we're in. But the first step of changing the system that we're in is acknowledging that it's a compromise.

AlwaysFrazzled88 · 30/07/2023 12:26

JST88 · 30/07/2023 09:07

Can we please normalise having such a strong bond and attachment to our children that the thought of being separated from them distresses us and that is completely normal and natural. The system is so broken and it seems like a lot of us mothers are being expected to do it all nowadays, is that really empowering us? Or is it just putting us under enormous amounts of pressure and stress? These babies need us, sure we need a break and support but it’s true what OP says about worrying; will they be played with, will they eat etc because nurseries are businesses and will cram as many kids in to make more money. My dd is 3, it’s 8 to a worker. It’s not normal/natural for one woman to be looking after 8 3yo’s, sure they’ll survive but my dd is in for a few days a week and takes the rest of the week to recover because they definitely don’t sleep as well, don’t drink anywhere near enough water, eat properly, get the nurture they need. I think your concerns are so so valid, I don’t think anyone is in the position to tell you what the right thing to do is, just know your feelings are so natural and please please follow your gut, it’s there to guide you and your connection with your baby. If you don’t need to go back FT and have the financial support could you take a career break, or reduce your hours? It’s such such a short a time until they go to school, flys by! Good luck 🤞

Think of all the parents struggling to afford to put a roof over their heads and pay their bills who will be reading this. The guilt trip is unnecessary.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/07/2023 12:30

Middlelanehogger · 30/07/2023 12:18

Normalising putting 6mo olds into institutional care is a bit unnatural though. That's not the same thing as saying women need to be SAHMs their whole lives and never have an identity or financial independence.

Finding a better solution for women requires acknowledging that yes it is a bit shit putting babies in nursery. It is a bit shit that there aren't more flexible options for women to slowly transition back to work at a pace that works for them and their babies. It is a bit shit that it's so hard to re-enter the corporate ladder once you've climbed off it for longer than 6-12mo. It is a bit shit that working norms require physically being in an office or workplace physically separate from your child.

Many, many women putting babies in nursery are doing it before they're ready and it's not for socialisation or the baby's benefit (this is different if it's 2/3/4yos of course), it's because they're making a compromise for their financial or career stability. I'm not saying it isn't the right choice in many cases, because this is the system that we're in. But the first step of changing the system that we're in is acknowledging that it's a compromise.

It's not something I'm going to acknowledge because I don't think it's a bit shit to put babies in nursery and I don't believe that flexible options should only be offered or aimed towards women.

I also don't believe that it isn't for the baby's benefit. Financial stability is good for the baby, working for some improves their mental health which is also good for the baby etc.

Middlelanehogger · 30/07/2023 12:44

Financial stability is good for the baby.

Mother's mental health is good for the baby.

Setting these two things up in opposition to women being physically with their (sometimes very young) babies is what I object to.

Jack80 · 30/07/2023 14:26

It’s normal to worry but I agree nursery staff are great at their job I have been one. They can get your baby to sleep and in a routine very quickly as the baby/child adjusts to the routine of the nursery. You can pop in at anytime to see on the camera how your child is doing or ring them.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/07/2023 16:17

Middlelanehogger · 30/07/2023 12:44

Financial stability is good for the baby.

Mother's mental health is good for the baby.

Setting these two things up in opposition to women being physically with their (sometimes very young) babies is what I object to.

Mental health is really going to depend on the person. Having some space from your baby is what can improve someone’s mental health as well as having something outside of being a parent.

As for financial stability, I wouldn’t be against better parental leave but for both parents. Not just mothers.

vixencomet · 31/07/2023 00:46

I would never say this is irrational worrying. I'd say its very normal and common and if you're like me, you'd want to be able to have a plan of action for every eventuality. If you've visited the nursery and you're satisfied they answered all your questions then go for it, you'll have some settling in days so you'll see how your child reacts to it. Always keep in mind that whatever decision you make is not set in stone and you can always change it if it doesn't work. Besides, I don't think it's selfish for you to want to stay in a job you're happy with. This is vital. Happy mum = happy baby and all that.

JST88 · 27/08/2023 00:06

This is where the problem lies (In my opinion) by normalising one thing, it doesn’t discredit another. Empowering women is about empowering them to make decisions that are best for them and their family. Not empowering them to work. The government want the women to work too because it makes them money, women everywhere are absolutely completely exhausted trying to run a home like they don’t work and work like they don’t have kids. It’s not right. In my opinion, there is no such thing as having it all & that is a narrative that’s being pushed on us to churn out more tax etc. This is coming from someone who has a great career and really reconsidering everything while my kids are little and assessing what’s most important to me and best for them now.