Did anyone have irrational stress around sending baby/child to nursery and did you get used to it in the end?

[stressedpot]

My baby will go to nursery four days a week at 11 months. I am SO conflicted by it all. I could stay at home longer and re apply for jobs in another six months but I like my company and want to stay ideally. Then I feel selfish wanting that when I don’t strictly need to go back. Considered a nanny but I know I would be checking up on them etc in the house while I worked from home so don’t think I would get much work done.

I am getting so worried about this I can’t sleep! He seems so little still. I worry about him being harmed (I know this is unlikely), I worry about abuse and if he will be left alone (not literally but I mean not played with for a while as they are so busy). I worry if he will eat properly. At the same time I am going a bit mad at home with him and feel drained everyday. Starting to feel I shouldn’t have had dc if I can’t cope with this! I love him so much and feel whatever I do will be wrong.

@stressedpot is there a childminder you could send your baby to instead? My dd goes to one where the childminder has two helpers and it’s a lovely environment and not as busy or big as a lot of nurseries. Not that all childminders are going to be amazing, that’s where it can be helpful to get a recommendation.
babies all have their different personalities too, does yours like interacting with people and does she like a lot of stimulation? If she’s high needs / needs a lot of down time /is easily over-stimulated, nursery could be a more challenging environment for her.
I also think 11 months means that she’s had almost a year of building a strong bond with you and getting lots of lovely one-to-one care. I think that counts for a lot going forwards whatever your decision is.
It’s funny how people like to talk about how they don’t want to send their baby off to be looked after by strangers. The thing is everyone is a stranger until you get to know them? My ds went to a nursery age 2 onwards, he of course got to know the staff as did we, his key worker adored him and even now aged 8 he has happy memories of her and of nursery, he felt so loved and happy there and had so much fun. He still giggles over some of his memories and his key worker was almost in tears when he moved on to primary school. My dd’s childminder was also a stranger, now she is one of dd’s favourite people and I like her very much too, I see my dd’s face light up when she sees her. I am glad my children had the lovely experience of these other people in their lives as well as their parents, we could’ve said “No strangers!” but I love working part time and getting to spend some of my week working and childcare has worked out well for us. Ok so those nurseries where there’s a high turnover of staff and maybe they continue to all feel like random strangers, I can see how that would feel different!
anyway good luck choosing and explore various options if you can and see what feels like a good fit for you and your baby

Apologies I just realised I have said “she” throughout when it’s a boy you have.
should have checked first

Exactly. Teachers are strangers too before a child starts school but they build a relationship with them and it’s the same with nurseries.

My baby loves his keyworker. They have a great bond. Certainly not a stranger.

I think you either want to be a SAHP or you don't at the end of day, taking all the possibilities of whether you can afford it or not out of it. It either appeals to you or it really doesn't. We could afford it if I really wanted to, but being a SAHP is not for me at all, so my kids go part-time to nursery, and are both happy, well-adjusted (as far as I can tell), no behavioural issues, bright, exceeding milestones, and very attached to DH and I. I think we as parents put a disproportionate amount of worrying into the effects of being a SAHP v nursery when what we should be thinking about is the quality of the care they receive at either/both. There are plenty of SAHPs who do not parent particularly well, just as there are inadequate childcare settings.

It seems a bit taboo to admit that you find being at home every day with small children draining, as if you're saying you don't love your kids or something (well, if you're a woman - men don't seem to have to justify not wanting to be SAHPS in any way). I love my kids a lot, but I don't want to spend five days a week year-round looking after them and doing nothing for myself. On my deathbed I certainly won't look back and wish I had being a SAHP, because it would send me doolally.

I wish I hadn't had to (for financial reasons) send DD to nursery at 11 months. She was there three full days a week and with her grandmother the other two. Granted there was part of me that enjoyed the break from toddler parenting, as I never got one overnight (cosleeping, breastfeeding through the night well into the preschool years) or at the weekend. But mostly it was just awful for both of us. She never settled well at all, which makes sense now as it turns out she's autistic - back then she was just labelled a 'high need' baby/toddler - and she has never coped well with nursery/preschool/school. If I could have kept her with me until at least two years old, I would have done. I think she'd have gotten something out of part-time nursery perhaps at 2 though, and certainly at 3. It probably wouldn't have helped her in the long run to keep her at home with me until she started primary school.

Obviously most kids aren't like mine, most will settle after a while but as others have said they get so much more out of it after 2. Before that they really just want to be with the familiar trusted adults who've been there since they were born (mum, dad, maybe grandparents etc).

But given DD's difficulties, I got a unique insight into nursery life. Our nursery was wonderful at recognising how hard she was finding it to settle and encouraged me to be in the building with her as much as needed. So even after I was back at work, after our rather unsuccessful attempts at settling before I was due to go back, I was there for up to an hour in the morning and also in the evening - autism means transitions are difficult so, although she was thrilled to see me when I came back for her, she struggled to leave quickly! So we'd sit and have a cuddle, she'd have some milk from me, we'd read a book, she'd want to play with things in the room that she couldn't enjoy in the same way when I wasn't there to help her feel safe.

This meant that I sat and watched many drop-offs in the morning. Yes many kids were fine, even at 12 months old, and settled really well. But a significant minority didn't, they'd sit there and sob and not even really have anyone actually try to comfort them because the keyworkers had learned that they couldn't really do anything other than wait it out. These kids just wanted their parent to come back. I was also there at the end of the day, when these kids were being collected, and watched the staff breezily tell the parent that they'd been absolutely fine all day, settled really quickly as soon as the parent had gone, etc etc. Which made the parent feel better, obviously. Which is why they do it. But IT WASN'T TRUE. So I don't believe that all nurseries and their staff are 'magic', at least not for all children.

If I had my time again and any choice in the matter, I would have stayed at home with her until 2 or 3 and then gone back to work part-time. If you have that option OP it is definitely worth considering. Listen to your gut.

I think I carry actual parental trauma from the nursery years, ages 1 and 2 at least. DD managed a little better from age 3 but I could still never leave her easily (by which I mean she couldn't leave ME easily).

Every morning, sobbing in the corridor out of her sight and hearing while she screamed for me in her keyworker's arms, having been literally pulled off me. It didn't matter whether I spent an hour settling her into the room to help her feel safe or whether I did the 'bright and breezy and speedy' drop off. Nothing worked, she was absolutely distraught. Three days a week. For over TWO YEARS.

It's normal for it to feel really hard. I left mine at nursery 3 days a week from 6 months. He's grown up really social, makes friends easily, outgoing and confident.
I was anxious for about a year. But grit your teeth and get stuck in. Pick the best nursery you can then enjoy your work life.

It's OK to be anxious but he should settle quickly and have a lovely time spudding around doing things he wouldn't be able to do at home. Mine never wanted to come home so I'd end up sitting there while they finished playing.

Mine started at nursery at that age recently, here's how I coped:

• We found a nursery that we LOVED - not just liked. It was extra pricey but the staff are professionals, not like other places I'd seen where it's just local school leavers working there. Whether it's nursery or nanny - love them or leave them.

• Choose childcare where you have one main person looking after your child - our pricier nursery has this. Eventually they bond with their person and it's lovely.

• Ease in gently. Mine started settling in sessions a month before I went back to work. The first week we did an hour or two, with me in the cafe next door on hand if needed.

• Remind yourself of the positives and why you're doing it. It's great for them especially at 11 months - mine just follows the older kids round all day fascinated. And like I say, the staff are professionals so my baby is learning so much more than I could teach. And you want or need to work!

The last point is especially important when they clock on that you're leaving them there and they do the "please don't leave me" face/cry. Because 10 minutes later the nursery are sending a video of them laughing and they're fine for the rest of the day.

I went back to work when DD was 10 months old. She was in nursery 5 full days a week.
She’s 3 now, amazing social skills, a lovely young child and she is enjoying nursery a lot. We have an amazing bond, and we get to be present all weekend and mornings/evenings because all the housework is done, our batteries are not empty and it just works.
For us anyways. I never felt guilty. My DH is super supportive as well, and I get to be the professional I want to be for 8 hours a day and the rest I get to be a mum. Perfect balance for me

From your lips to all the new mums ears

I felt exactly the same when I sent my boy to nursery when I went back to work, it was a week before he was 9 months old. I hated it. But it is without a doubt one of the best decisions I’ve made so far. He will be 2 in September and LOVES nursery so much and his key workers. He has even started saying names of his little friends who he sees there which makes me feel so happy. Although I still find drop off difficult and have serious guilt for leaving him 🙃
I feel like Mums always feel guilty no matter what they do, can’t win!

Kids do eat foods and drink at nursery and pre school that they don't at home. Quite a few times we have told parents 'oh X ate blah for snack today and drank blah' and they'll turn round and say but X won't eat that at home!

Don't know where you have worked but no nursery or pre school have to do any write up's for Ofsted

I've been a nursery nurse for 25 years and we have NEVER lied about what children have eaten. Why would we? Children often copy what their peers are doing which means that they try more foods than at home. And we actually ARE good at getting children to sleep. My 2 babies were a nightmare going to sleep for me at home but I can get a roomful of toddlers to sleep easily at nursery.

Yup. I looked at around 6 nurseries in my area. Hated them all and felt so uneasy.

I ended up taking a few months unpaid leave following maternity and started looking at childminders instead.

I met a lady and clicked within the first couple of minutes. I knew in my gut she was the one I wanted taking care of my child.

My child ended up staying with her instead of nursery or preschool. She did so much - days out, forest school, various clubs, crafts, lots of learning and so many activities. She carried on providing before and after school care until he started high school.

She is still part of our lives to this day. Started as a childminder and ended as a dear friend.

I’ve felt like this with them all once it was time to start nursery or preschool. They’ve all loved it (outside of the initial period where they’re getting used to being away from their mum) and have really thrived, and I’ve always enjoyed going back to work.

My gut (and baby) screamed at me to not send ds to nursery so young. I'm glad i listened to it. The nursery seemed OK but had high turnover of staff. I waited till 2.5 yrs to a different lovely nursery - zero tears.

I sent mine at 9 months and now at 18 months she runs into nursery without a backward glance at us, she absolutely loves it. She equally runs out laughing her head off when we pick her up because she is happy to see us - we have an amazing bond but she also enjoys nursery.

Re concerns of abuse, I felt more comfortable with a nursery than a childminder because there are more staff around (increasing the likelihood that abuse or neglect would be spotted).

She also eats better at nursery and I know the nursery cook personally (via family) so I know this is true, not just them telling me she eats when she doesn't.

Most nursery staff are trained in child development - I know I'm certainly not. So I think she's better off there a few days a week, with me feeling like I've kept my career and the time I spend with her being proper quality time (not the same for everyone but I completely lost myself during mat leave and am a much more present parent for spending part of the week at work around other adults).

DD is 3 now, started nursery at 10 months old (4 days per week). I was ready to go back to work, by the end of our day off together each week I’m not the mum I want to be because my proverbial cup is virtually empty so a SAHM life was not for me. Luckily she settled easily into nursery, makes friends easily, many of whom will go with her to school, and I can count the number of times she’s struggled with drop off on one hand over 2+ years. The nursery is at the end of our road so I was lucky enough to get a sneak peek regularly into her daily routine when she was in one of the rooms and nothing I saw ever gave me cause for concern.

On the topic of eating, I went to a stay & play session the nursery ran at Easter and one of the other mums watch in amazement as her child happily demolished an afternoon snack of veg sticks despite the fact she would barely tolerate them on the table at home, let alone try them. So it’s not always fibs 😊

I would go and have another look around the nursery at an open day there for reassurance

Also, every time i went into nursery during settling in period, i also saw one kid who was constantly crying. Every time. I asked the staff, and they said "oh he's always like that". I took my kid, walked out and didn't look back.

Gosh, I think a lot of these responses make me feel guilty/worse.

I too have to leave my baby at 9 months to return to work/uni. There will be an opportunity only when she is 2y for me to reduce my hours. I KNOW I should be with her. Believe me. But this is not the way society is built, especially not now with how greedy the western world is.

I worked in nurseries for years before career progression. And let me tell you, I adored those children and babies. I played and kept them entertained well. I comforted them like I would my own. I let the parents know EXACTLY how their babies day went. The most difficult age to settle children was around 2y.

I completely agree and also used to work in nurseries. Why Love Matters is a great book to read to get an in-depth view.