To think that some people don't want to be grandparents

[SilIssuesAgain]

My parents were over the moon when I told them I was pregnant. They love spending time with our 2 dc. They visit lots and interact with them and they are happy to help out.

My inlaws are the exact opposite. Mil especially does not seem interested in being a grandmother and I get the impression she thinks they are a burden almost. When dh told her I was pregnant she was on the phone almost in tears asking how we would cope (married, early 30s, have mortgage and some savings - not that that matters. We have also never asked her for any help). She rarely sees my dc and when she visits she is just interested in talking to dh. I honestly wonder if she even likes our dc.

Are your parents or inlaws interested in your dc?

1. It's likely to be an expectation. DH is very child-focused as well as me (part of the reason we have 4 children). I'm not worried about that expectation, I'm good at saying no when needed. I don't think an adult child - parent relationship needs lots of "involvement" to be close and stable.

1. Yes, certainly with our older teens. They haven't even gone to uni yet tho, so babies are a while away. The kids already know our retirement plan is a tiny house somewhere remote. The tiny house means no room for grandchildren sleepovers. Somewhere remote means moving away. DH and I are both natural introverts. We love our children with all our hearts, but look forward to the empty nest. Ìt feels taboo to state that.

1. Possibly. I accept it might. I really want some "just me and DH time" without any responsibility for others. Because we have 10y between our eldest and youngest child, we may still be active parenting when we become grandparents. I don't face that thought with any glee.

@peachypudding

If you don’t mind me asking, why have you agreed then?

Mil likes to tell people all about her gc, does nothing to help out and nothing with them unless its something she enjoys like shopping. Asked for help when we were struggling with teen daughter, she said no. Fil actually does things with gc but doesnt help out. When dh visits quite often he does things with dcs on his own. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I love my kids, but the idea of being a grandparent fills me with dread.

I want to retire and not have any responsibility to children. I'm sure if my kids have children I will love them. But it will very much be a case of handing them back with much delight!

When we told my parents I was pregnant, my mum went absolutely silent and loked horrified. My dad quickly stepped in and congratulated us with real pleasure. It honestly wasn't the reaction from my mum that I was expecting. But it was real and has set the tone right up to now when her DGCs are in their 30s.

We left my parents' that day to drive on to tell my PILs. Whoe were absolutely ecstatic, not only at becoming GPs, but with joy for us. And that equally predicted what sort of GPs they became.

I'm going to sound awful now, but sometimes I'm really angry that my mum is still around, and my PILs never got the joy of being GGPs. They'd have loved my DGDs SO much.

This. I don’t think Dh parents truly wanted children but did as it was the norm

@Polik you sound very similar to me - including the 10 (well 11 in my case) year spread of children. My eldest is in her mid 20s, I'm still very much actively parenting my younger children. I do suspect that there is is an expectation within our extended family that I will be desperate to jump in as a hands-on-grandma. I don't want to be essential to anyone's parenting plans!

I'm utterly gobsmacked by many of the demands that are placed upon grandparents - it's way beyond anything I, or my parents, would have thought reasonable.

My DM never offered to babysit for us, always had to be asked. Never a sleepover in 17 years. I kind of get it. She'd rather be on holiday or going shopping, and although she loved her GC just didn't enjoy the company of young DC.
The difference was she wasn't afraid to say no to anything but occasional ad hoc care. I used to watch the same beleaguered bored looking GP pushing swings in the park and trudging round with prams and wonder why they didn't just say no too.
Makes me thankful to have boys tbh. Far less likely to be first port of call.

I’ve done 28 years of parenting and there’s light at the end of the tunnel now . I’m not going to provide free childcare and raise grandkids . So yeah I’m certainly not arsed about potential grandkids

Gosh how much childcare do people think you are expected to do??

My parents are wonderful grandparents - we probably see them once a week, perhaps a visit to a farm or something with my children and my brother's children.

They are more than happy to babysit for the odd meal out or if I need someone to sit in while I give the house a clean or something.

They are genuinely interested to see photos and hear about what we've been up to.

They are not particularly fond of children but love me and my brother and by extension love our children. We are very lucky to have them by the sound of this thread!

To be honest, this thread is mr very encouraging. Everyone seems to be talking about grandparents in terms of childcare. I never actually met my grandmother, but we had a brilliant relationship pre internet by letter. She was wise and kind and I learned enormous amounts from her. My own mother was a very hands on grandma to my dd, but wasn't physically able to look after ds alone. But they read and talked and drew together and he and she had a very special relationship. No childcare at all.

My children are teenagers. I loved it when they were small and loved spending time with them. But now the idea of spending a lot of time with a small child horrified me. Maybe it's menopause?

My mum was the complete opposite.
Whilst I've no doubt she loved all 3 of her DC's in her own way she didn't really enjoy being a mother. She was never abusive or nasty but there were many times, looking back, that she was just "going through the motions" of being a mother, for want of a better way to describe it. When the GC came along all that changed. She absolutely adored all 5 of them and when the GGC arrived (there were 6 by the time she died), she positively glowed with happiness. I think DD misses her GM far more than I miss my mum 3 years on from mum's death. Of all the people I thought would be ambivalent about being a GP I would have put mum on the top of the list...I got that so, so wrong.

I guess some people don't want to be grandparents any more than you or I chose to be born. It's a decision out of their hands. Sad but true.

How totally awful. So sad for you and your partner.

That’s horrible. Although I’m not at all eager to be a GP I couldn’t imagine being so cold.

My parents have always been disinterested. They moved abroad when mine were tiny and the relationship now the DC’s are young adults hasn't - I was going to say recovered - but actually has never really established. A three week visit once a year hasn't been enough.

On the other hand I would love to be actively involved as a GP. My ex step DIL made contact very difficult when she was married to DSS. She has refused any contact since they divorced and we have lost our GDC’s. ☹️

These potential grandparents are also actual adults with their own hopes, dreams and goals. Being a grandparent is not a goal of mine because I have a rich, fulfilling life and i don't feel like I need grandchildren to define myself. If I do eventually have grandchildren I will love them but I plan to spend my later years being me and rediscovering my passions that fr the most part, I had to sacrifice while being a parent.

I think it’s obvious disinterested parents become disinterested GPs.
MIL was obsessed when first GC was born and talked about little else, but she lived a distance away. When they moved closer I think it became clear she wasn’t actually interested in small children at all. When the second GC was born she was totally over it. She did do babysitting for them, but very minimal interaction with them.
Of course wasn’t interested when DD was born. She particularly wanted DH to stay child free (and single) to be totally available to her.
If you went in her house it was full of photos of her GC so you would think she was devoted. DH still persists in talking as if she was. She would do anything not to actually spend any actual time with them though or be in the room with them.
She was minimally interested in her own children particularly when they were children though.

Exactly how I feel. However it is unlikely I will ever be a biological grandparent. My DD has always been clear she would only adopt. My DS is unable to have DC. I worked in childcare and education for 27 years and feel like I wouldn't be interested in being a grandparent; particularly if they had no biological connection.

This thread is quite an eye opener and I think things have changed an enormous amount over the generations. All of my friends my age had really involved grandparents who were very much part of the family (whether they lived with them or not). I can't remember any grandparents 'opting out' and I'm not talking about childcare - just being present at birthday parties, BBQs, holidays etc.

I'm really lucky in that my parents absolutely embraced being grandparents and during the last year or so of my dad's life when he was in a lot of pain, they were his focus.

Now that my mum is on her own to be involved in her grandchildren's lives keeps her going and keeps her young. She loves spending time with them and their friends.

Also plenty of studies have shown the positive effects for both grandparents and grandchildren in a good relationship and being actively involved in each others lives.

I’m a long way off being a grandparent but I could never imagine shunning my babies babies! I will definitely be an involved grandparent if/ when that day comes, I can say that with certainty!

That’s lovely to read! Perhaps, in retrospect, she felt badly about her lack of enthusiasm as a mother, and considered her grandchildren a second chance?

My parents live all their grandchildren. I have adult children, eldest in her thirties. I have no desire for grandchildren but of course if they did come along I’d love them and want to spend time with them.

Being really honest I’m not overly fussed about the prospect at all. Love my sons to bits but if they don’t have their own children that’s ok - a dog or cat Nan is fine for me!