To think that some people don't want to be grandparents

[SilIssuesAgain]

My parents were over the moon when I told them I was pregnant. They love spending time with our 2 dc. They visit lots and interact with them and they are happy to help out.

My inlaws are the exact opposite. Mil especially does not seem interested in being a grandmother and I get the impression she thinks they are a burden almost. When dh told her I was pregnant she was on the phone almost in tears asking how we would cope (married, early 30s, have mortgage and some savings - not that that matters. We have also never asked her for any help). She rarely sees my dc and when she visits she is just interested in talking to dh. I honestly wonder if she even likes our dc.

Are your parents or inlaws interested in your dc?

I think that’s perfectly reasonable. It’s at least as reasonable as the demented people dropping heavy handed hints about longing for grandbabies from the moment their child gets their first girl/boyfriend.

My Gma has made us all so desperate to be grandmas. She has 17 of us and every single one of us visits and loves her so much. She is 98 and like a Queen for us, we can just enjoy her so much. I cannot wait for that pure love, with no obligations and all those baby kisses.

It's absolutely fine if people aren't keen on being grandparents - each to their own. But whilst we have a choice about being parents, anyone with a child can then have grandparenthood forced upon them - effectively, it's out of their control and they don't get a say!

My mother told me when I was 13 that she didn't want to be a grandmother. When DS started a hobby she was interested in (she's 7) she became a lot more interested in him. He's taking a break from the hobby and she hasn't spoken to him since.

Unless your parents/ in laws put huge pressure on you to have children and promised you the world once they came along, then I don’t think you have any comeback whatsoever.
YOU are the adult who decided to have children- why do you expect others to fawn around them and look after them?
I’m in a lucky position that I do have grandparents who care- but it was never an expectation . It was our decision to have children, our responsibility to get them looked after when needed and nothing to do with how our parents felt.
I have always said- it’s my time- they have done their time.
I understand why/ how it can be disappointing but nothing more than that. It’s disappointing like the friends who dumped me when I had a child (who I thought were good friends but because they didn't have kids) but we are all in different situations. So we can’t expect anyone else to “enjoy” or look after our children -just because they are family-when they weren’t the ones who reproduced/ didn’t want them and now have their own lives!

I love my two daughters but found parenting difficult. I did a good job but I did it conciously not instinctively. Babies don't interest me,
or toddlers, but as my grandchildren became older I enjoyed my time with them more and more. Now as young adults, I find them fascinating and fun. I'm not a traditional grandma but I love them dearly.

I have no urge to be a grandparent, of course if they come along I will love them to bits just as I do my dc but I feel utterly and completely rung out both emotionally and physically by parenting . There is just nothing left at the moment and what is left is taken up by caring for elderly parents and grandparents (106 and still going) . The thought of anyone else needing me is just pretty horrifying.

I don’t think it works like that. I just can’t see someone who’s that concerned about their children’s welfare just switch off their emotions with grandchildren. I’d want to of course, because worrying about my children has ruined my life but I’d feel responsible.

My adult child doesn't seem at all interested in having children and that suits me just fine. I loved being a mother but have no desire to try to recreate that feeling 3 decades on!

But things change, and if I ever get "the call" I'll be congratulatory and supportive (but inside won't be bubbling with excitement). I'm sure I'd love any potential grandchild but honestly don't think I'd be involved in the day-to-day.

I really should change my name to lwrenconfusedagain, because this topic makes me swing between thoughts like a hypnotists watch 🙈

When DC1 was newborn a lady in the asda burst into tears because her DC had both chosen to remain childfree. She really seemed to grieve this, she explained when they were little they didn't have much and she was not in a much nicer home etc, she'd just imagined being a hands on nana etc.

I love children of all ages and we're the family the neighbours kids or their friends are hanging out in our house, so I'd love on one hand the idea we always have a nice full house, but equally, it's not a nice world anymore.
It's a clusterfuck on many levels, so I'd possibly feel relieved that my DC weren't going to feel the endless pressures of modern life with DC.
I think back to the grieving lady in the shop and think, if my life needed more children to care for, I'd return to fostering or care home work for older kids.

My eldest has always wanted to be a dad, but he may change his mind, I'll encourage him to do what makes him happy always.

I have 3 NT kids, the 2 youngest I would be surprised if children are a choice the more able one would make and my youngest is sadly not, if I'm honest, likely to ever have the capacity for an adult relationship 💔

I'm due my first and only DD soon and I hope she never ever feels she has to justify her choices to have children or remain child free or to have a large brood to me.
I hope I can raise her to be confident to do what she feels is her path.

My DS has friends who are parents at 16 and I honestly felt so capable and ready to start spitting out kids that age, (I never, waited until 19, so I was SUPER mature!) But i look at these kids now and realise how young they are, I'd definitely be as helpful as I could in this scenario, but I'd be secretly upset for all the experiences my DC would miss out on.
But equally, nothing has ever bought me as much joy as sitting on the beach with my little fella in his straw hat, face covered in ice cream and sand and just being truly, 100% completely happy in the moments I had with him when it was just us, but I do hope my kids never feel their lives are so lacking they need someone to love such as a baby.

So with my twattish thoughts compressed, whilst I would always love more DC in our lives, more people even, to love, I'd just much rather my actual DC as opposed to imaginary DGC are happy. Whatever they choose, they have my support. (Unless they choose to be dicks, not having that)

I used to think I would be so sad if I wasn't a grandparent, I am not so sure now. I think I would be ok with it if none of mine had any children. Funny thing is, I adore children but the intrinsic want that I used to have to have about being a grandmother has waned. On the other hand if I do get grandchildren, I will dote on the them, visit lots, have them visit me and do the odd night of babysitting but I will not do any kind of regular childcare, not a chance, not a hope. I am only now beginning to relax and enjoy the freedom that having young adults and teenagers brings and there is not a chance in hell I would give that up to be saddled with minding grandchildren all day every day. Some people on here especially take the absolute PISS out of their parents and wear them in to the ground with free childminding. I won't be one of those grandparents. I will be living my life and enjoying my retirement. I will also enjoy my grandkids if I do get any but not to my own detriment.

I'm one of those people and knowing I'll never have grandchildren has come as a huge relief.

My ex mil lived very locally and already had 6 dgc before mine came along so I hoped we were on a winner (albeit more of a glamorous gran than hands-on) as my parents lived hundreds of miles away.

In their first 6 years of life my dc saw more of my parents than of mil and fil, it really did break my heart (and contributed significantly to my pnd). Since I left dh they've seen the dc less than 5 times in 10 years.

Babies don't interest me,
or toddlers, but as my grandchildren became older I enjoyed my time with them more and more

I can see myself (potentially) being the same way. The only baby or toddler I ever had any interest in was my own. Just was never one of those women that was besotted by babies or found toddlers "adorable". Too old to change my ways now😂

There are no rules. Everyone is different. Some people just aren't close to their children, or maybe they didn't particularly enjoy raising children, so grandchildren aren't necessarily a positive or exciting addition to their lives. And some might feel closer to their daughter's children than to their son's. Everyone is different.

I thought I wasn't that bothered about being a grandmother but when my DD's baby was born I was instantly smitten 😄

I think there's an assumption throughout this thread that you'll know exactly how you'll feel about grandparenthood before having any grandchildren - but I think that, as with becoming a parent, it isn't always that predictable. My ILs were very clear before we had DC1 that they wouldn't want to be much involved - had far too much going on, not baby people, etc. He was born and they fell head over heels for him and it's hard to prise them away from him and his brother and I know for a fact that they bore on about their brilliance to all they encounter! On the other hand just like parenthood a lot of people have romanticised ideals that don't come true - hence the common occurrence of childcare arrangements being arranged in pregnancy/early infancy and then reneged on as reality looms...

My mum died when DD was 8 (now 18) they adored each other. Thankfully my DMIL is still with us (at 94 and living in our annexe). They too have an incredible relationship built on a mutual respect, lots of ‘in jokes’ and a love of Australian Masterchef and Bake Off.
It’s a joy to watch them together, they are both very lucky.
DD joined the Navy in May, I know DMIL misses her terribly, she writes her proper letters every week.

It's one thing not wanting to take active roll in being a grandparent and being almost in tears at the prospect of being one and showing zero interest in the few times you see them.

But if she didn't want to be a grandparent, why wouldn't she be upset knowing that our society's (and likely her children's) 'expectations' of her were going to be that she would be thrilled to be 'lovely helpful granny' and she would be 'odd' if she isn't. And the fact that you mention that she has 'zero interest' shows that you do have some expectations of what her behaviour 'should be'.

This is no different than a woman who doesn't want children being upset at unexpectedly falling pregnant. People will insist 'you will love it when it gets here' and are aghast at 'you don't want your baby?'. The difference is that the woman can make her own decision about what to do, but an 'unwilling' prospective grandparent (rightly) has no say as to the coming grandchild. All they can do is carry on with their lives and have as little or as much involvement as they choose to have, regardless of the wishes of their child. That doesn't make them a 'bad person' nor should they have to 'sacrifice' (for lack of a better word) the life they want to live.

My situation is 'opposite' as my eldest & spouse have decided they don't want children and I would love to be a grandma. But I have no more right to 'force' them to provide me with a grandchild than they would have to 'force' me to be a 'granny' if I didn't want the 'role' or responsibilities.

You have the choice (usually) whether to be a mother. You don't get any choice about whether you want to be a grandparent.

I adore my grandkids, who are at really cute ages when they love my company too. But who knows whether I always will, when they get to the stage when a visit to grandma's means they just sit on their phones and ignore me because they're only here on sufferance (my friends are enduring that stage at the moment!).

My inlaws adored being grandparents, and would have been beside themselves had they lived to see their DGGDs. My mum couldn't be less interested in her grandkids, and hasn't shown the slightest interest in metting her GGDs.

I think plenty of people don't particularly want to be grandparents but I don't think most resent/disapprove when their children do become parents.
I think the truth is many (older) woman have never really viewed being child free as an option. I've heard many older people say they married and had kids (pretty soon) because 'that's what people did '. I dare say there are reluctant grandparents who, if they had their time again today would probably not even be parents!
Living away from each other makes it easier to 'ignore' grandchildren because you don't really bond with them. When I visit my daughter I enjoy spending time with her the most. She has 2 teens who l have a 'good' relationship, but I'd much rather spend time in daughter's company. My sons due a baby (maybe today!) and ill visit, but it's him I want to see. If he emigrated I'd miss him a lot. I wouldn't miss the baby at all.

I remember feeling a bit hurt that my parents didn't seem that bothered about my children. They loved them but weren't exactly desperate to look after them.

Now I'm a grandmother I get it completely. I love my grandchild but have no desire to provide childcare (though I have agreed to).

I'm pretty sure she won't-I think we have a equal, respectful relationship and we like each other. And of course I might suddenly turn into a doting devoted granny. But in my dark moments at 2 in the morning, I do worry that when/if my dd has children, I'll end up with a relationship with my dd that is dependent on her children.

Well sometimes, but sometimes less than enthusiastic grandparents have just had their fill of children by being parents.

They do have fond feelings for their grandchildren, but they want to do other things with their lives than centre life around kids, again.

We expect too much of grandparents these days. It’s lovely when they want to be hands on, but it can’t be expected.

Why did you agree to it?