To think that some people don't want to be grandparents

[SilIssuesAgain]

My parents were over the moon when I told them I was pregnant. They love spending time with our 2 dc. They visit lots and interact with them and they are happy to help out.

My inlaws are the exact opposite. Mil especially does not seem interested in being a grandmother and I get the impression she thinks they are a burden almost. When dh told her I was pregnant she was on the phone almost in tears asking how we would cope (married, early 30s, have mortgage and some savings - not that that matters. We have also never asked her for any help). She rarely sees my dc and when she visits she is just interested in talking to dh. I honestly wonder if she even likes our dc.

Are your parents or inlaws interested in your dc?

I don’t think this is a nice world to bring children in to so I’m hoping I don’t become a grandmother. I would love them of course but what an awful world they’ll have to navigate.

I do find the Mumsnet expectation that grandparents should be prepared to drop everything ans do childcare a bit odd. Maybe they want to maintain their adult relationship with their children but feel they have done all the baby care they want to do in life!

I do find the Mumsnet expectation that grandparents should be prepared to drop everything ans do childcare a bit odd never asked or expected childcare from mil. But I think she does not even like our dc let alone love them. It's one thing not wanting to take active roll in being a grandparent and being almost in tears at the prospect of being one and showing zero interest in the few times you see them. I think she resents our dc as it changes the relationship she has with dh.

From personal experience, people who enjoyed parenting and, given the choice, would do it over again, generally make for involved grandparents. Those who were ambivalent (or forced into it via abortion denial or family pressure) and would not do it again, generally don’t. I also think people who were reluctant parents generally don’t have great relationships with their kids, so that would also affect the relationship with the grandkids.

If I become one, that's fine. If there is an expectation to provide childcare or be available at the drop of a hat, I won't be up for that.

My parents love their grandkids and make lots of effort to be in their lives. My in laws like to post about their grandkids on Facebook, but don’t actually ever bother to visit or maintain contact. It’s shame about the in laws, but it’s their choice to keep us at arms’ length.

I'm not a grandparent yet, but my daughter is of the age that she is deciding if she wants to have children or not. I'm terrified because honestly I don't want to have to be an involved grandparent. However I don't want to hurt my daughter's feelings if she does have children by not being an involved grandparent, which my guilty conscious would make me pretend to be one and then I would end up resentful and unhappy.

Of course i would be there for her and any grandchildren in case of need/emergency situations but I really wouldn't be one to want to take them for a day on a regular basis. I'm not good with kids so it wouldn't be something I'd enjoy.

I do wonder why everyone expects grandparents to adore their grandchildren. We all are different and some of us will love them and be there for them if needed but otherwise don't want to be overly involved, especially after raising their own children.

We drew the short straw when it came to grandparents. PIL not interested and neither is my mother. Neither have ever looked after our children who are now 11 13 and 15. It was very hard when they were younger and myself and DH were in desperate need of a night of. Never happened. Im currently on holidays in Spain with my three kids for 7 weeks, DH will follow soon. Its us against the world and I wouldn't have it any other way. To my PIL and mother... fuck you... you missed out on the most amazing grandchildren and could have enjoyed so many lovely experiences with them. I don't wany any of them near my beautiful children now.

I was nervous about becoming a grandmother because I didn’t feel I’d been a very good mum. I just don’t have that mindset of playing games or running around being silly. However, when my first DGC arrived I was gobsmacked by how strongly I felt love towards her and have felt the same with all the others that have arrived since.

I don’t live close enough to be actively involved in their daily lives but do enjoy spending time with them when we visit. My DDs have told me they aren’t expecting me to play games etc but are pleased I am happy to spend time with them. My DH is the one who plays games etc so they get that from him.

Some people may be dealing their own life baggage re DCs and unsure about how they feel re DGCs.

I have no overwhelming desire to be a grandparent. I have four children, I work with children, and I enjoy children generally. If any of my children chose to have children of their own then I'm sure it would be great but it'll be equally good if they chose not to!

My parents are fairly involved with our children - on their own terms (as my grandparents were) & they have strong relationships with their adult grandchildren. I would never have considered asking them for childcare - they worked & now they are enjoying their retirement! I imagine I'd be quite similar if/when the opportunity arises.

My ex mil told me she didn't want to be a grandma and I wasn't to buy cards etc with it on. She mellowed years later for my kids cousins (big age gap, half sibling situation) but ruined any chance of a close relationship with my dc, she moans they don't keep in touch and my exh doesn't make them (they are adults!) I'm on pleasantries terms with her, but make no effort to see her except at inevitable moments like funerals

Isn't the point that some grandparents don’t enjoy it, know they won't, and therefore don’t become involved? They're probably not feeling they are missing out, as hurtful and incomprehensible as that is to parents.

“You lot” who are you talking to exactly?

I can identify with this 100%

I think if the grand children are from a daughter they are more involved as there are fewer boundaries. Also I find Great Grandparents are not into GreatGrand Children as they are too old . I enjoy my Grandchildren, I love them but I'm glad to hand them back . We get the good bits .

I couldn't have my own children for medical reasons. I gained lovely step-children via marriage but my parents wanted nothing to do with them. Even down to refusing to let the children call them 'grandparent' names. Their only opportunity to be grandparents and they didn't want to know because they weren't 'real blood grandchildren'. I don't understand their reasoning.

Well no, not everyone wants the same thing. I’m sure there are many people who aren’t massively bothered about being grandparents.

I know people who are not super-involved grandparents, and to me it seems like a generational thing. They are in their early 60s & have retired but certainly don’t consider themselves to be old in any sense of the term. They are very different to my own grandparents’ generation, being fit & active and are busy travelling and doing their sports & hobbies. They just don’t see themselves as ‘grandma & grandpa’ at all and prefer the grandkids to call them ‘Tom & Kate’.

I have 2 kids own and adult and one almost an adult. My mum always looked forward to grandkids. I feel a bit ‘meh’ about it. Either my kids have kids or they don’t.

I had my kids going and am in my early 40s. I will be likely to be working if they have kids. There’s not much chance I will be hands on. I don’t think I would choose to even if I didn’t need to work. I would babysit from time to time and spend time with them. But wouldn’t be providing regular childcare.

I enjoy being a parent but don’t want to do it again. As I get older I look forward to having less responsibility. Not ramping it up again.

My DDs 15 and perhaps I’d feel differently in a few years but tbh I’m dreading it and I hope she doesn’t get pregnant young.

I got pregnant as a teen and I’ve never not had any responsibility as an adult and selfishly I can’t wait for the day I can do whatever I want and perhaps work in other countries etc without having to think of someone else.

If my DD has kids then I want to be fully involved because I don’t want her throwing her life away and being restricted in getting her career or going out with her friends etc like I did as it so difficult not having that support but I also want to live my own life.

I'll ask:

1. Are you worried that you'll be expected to be heavily involved because you chose to have a lot of kids and also work with them? And are you worried that not being involved will damage your relationship with your children?
2. have you pre-empted all this with a chat about how you're not able to give up that time to eg do childcare or be highly involved?
3. do you think your attitude will change when/if DGCS arrive?

I had my kids going and am in my early 40s. I will be likely to be working if they have kids. There’s not much chance I will be hands on.

I wonder if this is part of the problem.

Most women work now and do not have the time to be hands on grandparents.
Whereas my grandparents were much more hands on and that’s probably because my grandmothers especially didn’t work and their only identity was a mother and so they wanted to carry it on.

There is also a difference between being a grandparent who sees the kids for a bit every so often and being expected to provide a day of care several days per week for several years - and to act like you enjoy it.

I can see one end of the spectrum being good and the other one being not so good.

I totally get what you're saying but it's not something that you choose or is ever in your control - the part you can control is how involved you choose to be.
To say you don't want to be a GP could be like saying "I don't want my child to do something that may be very important to them personally and emotionally because it doesn't suit me"

My own GP's ( only had one set growing up), were shit but my parents were amazing. DD and her DP don't want children ever, so being a GM myself is not something that will figure in my life and I'm not at all bothered if I'm honest. I don't think I would be cut out to be the sort of GP's my parents were although I'll sure as Hell be better than mine ever were...i.e I won't have gotten pissed and battered my GC with my walking stick.