Giving in to tantruming 3 year old

[CatLoaf]

3 year old DD just had a horrible tantrum over what to wear to nursery this rainy morning - my DH let her put on shorts and no socks, then there was a huge to-do when we both tried to put her rain suit and socks on when it was time to leave. Fighting to get her into it - and me pissed off with DH for letting this happen in the first place. Then she started to scream that she wanted trousers on instead of shorts, and DH started to unzip her rain suit... I felt like I was going to go bananas, and told him he was just letting her know that she could have a tantrum and we would give in. He also barked at me not to twist her arm getting her suit on - after she'd whacked me in the face.
Just a standard horrible morning with a pre schooler I guess? She's really not normally as bad as that though - and I just feel pissed off with DH being 'the patient one', but then teaching her tantrums are fine basically :/
I'm probably horrible and grumpy

Sorry for that wall of text

No idea why this scenario required both of you. Your DH was getting her ready, he can deal with it.

Honestly, a three year old isn't having a tantrum to get their way, they are having a tantrum because they have a lot of feelings they are physically unable to process or manage themselves. I totally understand the feelings of aggravation in the face of one, but I do think your DH's approach of keeping things calm and "giving in" is the better one, especially if you are in a hurry to get out the door.

Tantrums should ideally be managed with patience, kindness and an understanding that small children are not manipulative and won't be "ruined" by a parent listening to them and trying to help them achieve what they want. We've all felt that helplessness and frustration though, I emphasise completely.

Patience is a good thing, though.

The aim is to get the preschooler through the door, relatively appropriately dressed, on time. If that’s done with calm negotiation not arm twisting, so much the better.

Next time, only one of you should be involved. Step away. Or tell the other person too! The tantrum always lasts longer when there’s more of an audience!

Sympathy- I am also in the thick of it with my 3 year old. With my husband and I, the screaming makes us immediately stressed and we end up pissed off with each other since all our patience is gone on the little one.
I'd say talk quietly with your husband at another time what the game plan is. Both your strategies would have worked- your method to wrestle her into the clothes or his method to let her go out underdressed and then put the clothes on once she's outside and starts crying that she's cold/ wet.

You twisted her arm because she hit you in the
face?

A child lashing out doesn’t justify twisting their arm. That suggests you had lost control at that point and should have stepped away for a few minutes.

This.

Take it in turns by all means but it should only take one of you

Natural consequences. She doesn’t want socks/shoes/a raincoat? Fine. She gets wet. Pack what she needs in her bag and let her learn. Being a bit wet on an otherwise mild day won’t do her any harm and you can always grab a towel.

I also agree my pre-schooler learnt the hard way

It doesn't need two people to dress a three yo.

It's not something I would be bothered about - she won't melt if she gets a bit wet. Stick the rainsuit in her bag.

I found Janet Lansbury good for this sort of thing. A tantrumming 3 year old is not in control, she is not able to ‘learn’ anything at this point. Pick your battles. If she hits you, tell her firmly that you are not going to let her hit you. But also consider why she is getting like this in the mornings. Is she overtired? Do you have enough time to give her choices in what she wears etc?
(easier said than done, we’ve all lost it in this scenario, which is why you need proper parenting tactics so you can have a plan)

As I always say, you have to choose your battles. Toddlers are wild and it's not 'giving in'.

Not a normal morning, no. Why were both involved? Why were you “wrestling” with her? Why did you twist her arm, intentionally to punish her for whacking you? You sound like you lost it, how do you think that made her feel or improved things?!

Try and work with her instead of trying to dominate her and win. If you really did hurt her arm on purpose you need help so you don’t do it again. There’s nothing wrong with patient, your husband didn’t do anything wrong.

And I certainly hope you didn't twist her arm.

You should have kept out of it when your husband was already dealing with it, really.
You added nothing but stress to the situation and you actually twisted her arm in the process, which you appear to be trying to justify?!

Sorry you e had a difficult morning.

I agree with pp that it’s generally best to let one parent deal. Tantrums are difficult but it helps not to think in terms of “giving in” or letting her get her way and more about calmly managing the situation so that she learns to regulate her emotions. That’s not saying you have to do whatever thing it is she wants- obviously that’s not always practical- but really that’s secondary to gently helping her be calm.

I read something once that takes about it in terms of expanding circles- you’re the parent and have a circle of calm, she’s the child with a circle of anger. You need to gently expand your calm circle so that she’s drawn inside it, and resist being drawn into her angry circle (eg the arm twisting)- wish I could remember where I read it as it explains it much better than this.

You are the adults, you should be taking control of the situation, but more importantly than that you need to be saying the same thing and not squabbling. Her behaviour is a consequence. Sounds like you are both a bit afraid of setting her off.

I solved the clothing tantrums with my daughter by getting three of everything laid out and she got to choose which socks, which knickers, bottoms, top, coat and footwear.

Sometimes I would pretend I didn't like her choice as she went to pick something just to give her the satisfaction of making her feel she'd got one over on me by getting excited about choosing that item!

They are funny little things at that age. So determined to prove they know best!

Previous posters are reading the arm twisting as intentional- I had read it that you were trying to get her arm into the sleeve and then your husband had said that you were twisting it.
Obviously if you intentionally twisted her arm then you need to work on yourself immediately since harming a child is not remotely ok.

Clarification, I did NOT twist her arm! I was getting her into her rain suit. She lashed out at my face before that, but I wasn't retaliating by twisting my daughter’s arm ffs!

Why were you both involved it sounds chaos clothes off/,on/off again. Give her a choice of 2 appropriate outfits if you want her to have choice do it then night before and then the "little miss boutique " is closed and one of you gets her organised. Remember 2 choices she can't cope with anything else resulting her to get upset.

Why were two of you getting her dressed?

This reminds me of a friend, years ago....

Twin boys, aged 3, nearly 4. Both had a strop when being 'forced' to wear something appropriate for the weather and as soon as Dad dressed them, they tore the clothes straight off again.

In the end, Dad calmly said 'fuck this' and plonked them both in their birthday suits in their car seats and drove them to where they going with them completely stark naked. He drove the journey with the car aircon on, and surprise surprise, when they got to nursery, they couldn't wait to put their clothes on. Still makes me laugh now when I think about it!