Giving in to tantruming 3 year old

[CatLoaf]

3 year old DD just had a horrible tantrum over what to wear to nursery this rainy morning - my DH let her put on shorts and no socks, then there was a huge to-do when we both tried to put her rain suit and socks on when it was time to leave. Fighting to get her into it - and me pissed off with DH for letting this happen in the first place. Then she started to scream that she wanted trousers on instead of shorts, and DH started to unzip her rain suit... I felt like I was going to go bananas, and told him he was just letting her know that she could have a tantrum and we would give in. He also barked at me not to twist her arm getting her suit on - after she'd whacked me in the face.
Just a standard horrible morning with a pre schooler I guess? She's really not normally as bad as that though - and I just feel pissed off with DH being 'the patient one', but then teaching her tantrums are fine basically :/
I'm probably horrible and grumpy

They aren’t. It’s just easier to offer tips when you aren’t sleep deprived and in thick
of it.

Are you ok Huffle? I'm not losing my shit again, fear not 😱 It was just a jokey statement... Sure, at the point of the tantrum, I'd have loved someone to whisper 'THE MAN IS AN ARSE' in my ear, but past that now.
(And fuuuck yes, the sleep deprivation does not help!)

I wouldn't have taken the wet suit off and changed shorts for trousers.. I do think it's important to be black and white regarding tantrums, screaming and hitting is not acceptable and whilst doing that you're not then going to demand a change of clothes after asking for something else not long before. There are time constraints in life, and I do think that if you're rushing and then doing every demand from your child you are re enforcing that the tantrum gets you your way..

I generally have 40 minutes from when my child gets up (now 4) to when we leave the house. Whilst I'm a fan of 'picking battles' e.g. if he asked for a cuddly toy I would put let him carry it then put it in his bag when arriving at nursery, I primarily focus that he's had an opportunity to eat, is dressed appropriately for the weather (and I'm reasonably no nonsense in this, I give 2 options that I deem appropriate and no others are up for discussion), has teeth brushed, toileting done. That pretty much has us to the time to go.

I have sometimes pacified tantrums by giving in and find they re occur. I stopped giving in at all, if screaming or hitting was to occur I would not listen to requests until an apology came..

So you're not really alone! I am the hard one out of the two of us parents, but we make it to childcare and work on time. Our period of tantrums also really didn't last long, they were dealt with calmly and not unkindly (I never shouted but I did give space to calm/request apology if there was a hit), but I didn't give into the thing my boy was tantruming for..!

Mine never ever wanted was tain suits and didn't want rain coats.

On a summers day rain both wanted to get wet. Also didn't like socks... I'd have the rain cover on the buggy and she would be forcing her head out to get the rain.
The onl/y people who made me feel bad were school/ nursery staff.

Drop rhe suit... Leave socks... Give her choice when calm but explain when she's calm that once she's mad that descion that's it.

At that age you have to box clever and not.... Not turn things into a battle..

It was perfectly obvious to.me what you meant. Some people just like to feel superior.

If it was Finland and _30 wrestling to get into a life saving snow suit... Maybe.

But not a rain suit.

Stop worrying OP. MN goes like this: immediately focus on the arm twisting - naturally you meant to hurt her rather than you were getting her dressed while flailing about like a possessed octopus. DD is a fluffy little sunbeam ‘expressing herself’ rather than a misbehaving child who needed to learn to do as she is told, stop trying to dictate and get out the door. Oh and anything DH does is wrong of course’. HAHAHAHAHA grab a coffee and enjoy your day at work. Will be peaceful by comparison.

@kirsty2023 @Jazzybean

That's what I was told... Let her be wet so I did. She didn't care clothes dried on her and she aas absolutely fine.

Different story of course if its genuinely cold but people do panic about getting wet unnecessarily.

When I realised dd fine and dint care I dropped the rope.. My two still aren't the only two who will have their raincoats packed in their bag when it's raining after school.

You’ve missed the part where op’s dh was already dealing with the situation? There was no real need for op to do any wrangling at all, really.

Op don't kale anything into a battle.

Doesn't want to suit.. Fine... Be smooth and calm.

Drop the rope. Once you start making it into a battle that's when they dig in.

Infact you should acknowledge her feelings and apologise to her.

My dd likes to wear crocs wen it's raining I just let her wear what she wants now I can't be doing with fighting with her lol

Congrats on the baby.
Once I had my second the first appeared to change from a baby to a mature child overnight. I found it hard looking after myself and the newborn and feeling like the toddler was going 'backwards' making life harder with tantrums over shoes when I thought we had that sorted.
It's crazy times, you are doing great and the tough bits do pass.

Take more photos today of the good bits, the domestic bits, the heading off to nursery in the wrong shoe bits. Promise you, my teens melt when they see those crazy toddler outfit combinations, wish I'd more pictures.

Surely she meant she had to ‘twist’ her arm to get it into her coat….
isn’t that how we get a child’s arm into a coat. I very much doubt she maliciously dislocated her shoulder. This poor mum is having a hard enough time without readers calling her out as an abuser. You try getting an unwilling child ready in the morning!

You try getting an unwilling child ready in the morning!
Well, I think most of us have?

Would it have been a problem if she'd gone in shorts and no socks? Maybe with a change of clothes in her bag for later?

I also remember having extremely strong views on what I wanted to wear for nursery 😂

This. We sought out a therapist for my daughter's terrible tantrums as they were impacting our family life so badly. She was a strong advocate of this. Also on filling up her 'control' bucket with things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter – wearing a coat, socks etc etc. You don't have to win every battle.

I always made sure weather appropriate things were packed in the nursery bag but didn’t get into a battle of wills when getting dressed.

wearing something was the only expectation! Mornings can be stressful enough without making it into a battle zone

I'd have let her wear what she liked but packed the rain suit. Then put it on her when she went outside and realised she was wet. Pick your battles!

Mine used to go to pre school in odd wellingtons and superman pyjamas with cape...as long as the child is wearing some type of clothing..don't worry.

You need to incentivise her acquiescence.

I can't speak for everyone but for me it comes from going through it 4 times and learning as I went. You will almost certainly do somethings differently with this baby because you did learn things with number one. It is just how it is.

What a lovely response, thank you!

While I get most of what you're saying, why do I need to apologise to her?

Hindsight innit 😃