Giving in to tantruming 3 year old

[CatLoaf]

3 year old DD just had a horrible tantrum over what to wear to nursery this rainy morning - my DH let her put on shorts and no socks, then there was a huge to-do when we both tried to put her rain suit and socks on when it was time to leave. Fighting to get her into it - and me pissed off with DH for letting this happen in the first place. Then she started to scream that she wanted trousers on instead of shorts, and DH started to unzip her rain suit... I felt like I was going to go bananas, and told him he was just letting her know that she could have a tantrum and we would give in. He also barked at me not to twist her arm getting her suit on - after she'd whacked me in the face.
Just a standard horrible morning with a pre schooler I guess? She's really not normally as bad as that though - and I just feel pissed off with DH being 'the patient one', but then teaching her tantrums are fine basically :/
I'm probably horrible and grumpy

@CatLoaf you apologise to her to model apologising when you behave in a less than stellar way so that when she's older she knows to apologise too. You identify your feelings and how things made you feel so that she can identify her feelings, you talk about what you could do next time and guide her on what she can do next time too. Really the apology is about teaching her about her emotions and coping strategies.

However, I wouldnt do that today, it needs to be done as soon as the issue happens as she will have completely forgotten it by the time she came home.

Op the moment may have gone now but to validate her feelings.

Stop it turning into a battle..

If you find yourself again in the this morning situation stop m say... Mummy sorry she forgot you don't Like this wet suit.

Removes the tug of wills.

Pick your battles.

With toddlers you need to use "both hands" when parenting.

That is some giving in - and some standing firm.

Always try to be kind sympathetic no matter how annoying they are - it's very hard being a toddler and being so small and dependent with so little control yet such big feelings you can't really manage n your own.

Something like clothes might be something you could let her lead on.

Something dangerous or antisocial - screaming in a restaurant - running off in a supermarket - being a massive nuisance to others - hurting another child - running rings around you about bedtime beyond what is reasonable need for reassurance - you need to be firm on.

I saw an interesting reel on insta recently by Dr Becky (clinical psychologist) about the fact that toddlers are at an age where they’re trying to assert their independence, trying to show us that they’re starting to be their own person and need to be in control of some things, and sometimes the best thing you can do is lean into the “yes” when you can, and when it’s safe to do so. Hence why DD has gone to nursery in her wellies this morning, with a pair of more appropriate shoes in her bag.

I fucking love that rain suit too, it's adorable 😂
But leaning into the yes when possible, I really like that. Thanks :)

Don’t you just love it when men undermine your efforts? Dad is 4 she hasn’t cleaned her teeth all week due to her hating it and DH saying it’s not important as only baby teeth, then says I bully her because I refused to acknowledge her grunting then failing to say please doesn’t matter how I attempt to discipline or manage it’s wrong I can’t win even food or drink causes huffing and puffing

This!! I have 8 children ranging from 22 to 2 and 3 year olds don't know how to deal with their emotions. They don't understand them so the only way to communicate is a tantrum. Give them 2 choices of outfits to choose from

I think maybe he was picking his battles,
And this is wasn't one that needed to be a battle.
I have taken my daughter as a toddler to nursery once in her pjs and ones in everything but a pair of trousers because those mornings she was adamant she wanted to go like that.
I thought do I fight this and put us both in a bad mood or just take clothes with me knowing full well she will cooperate when she got there.
We took the clothes and she was dressed before I'd left the driveway.
It's hard when you have a newborn and a toddler this is the perfect time to practice picking your battles!

Not remotely comparable to brushing teeth.
In this case the father was already dealing with getting the daughter dressed, it was OP who pushed in and did the undermining.

Oh ffs, I hardly pushed in

I do try and manage her tantrums with patience and kindness btw - but sometimes have neither the time nor the inclination tbh. I'm trying to do better though - and 'pick your battles' shall be my mantra!

Natural consequences. She doesn’t want socks/shoes/a raincoat? Fine. She gets wet. Pack what she needs in her bag and let her learn. Being a bit wet on an otherwise mild day won’t do her any harm and you can always grab a towel

I agree with this. One parent was already getting the child dressed and ready.

The situation didn't require a second parent of a power struggle.

Sometimes it's about dropping the rope and not getting into a power struggle over something that really doesn't matter.

@CatLoaf op, ignore a lot of these ridiculous comments. I'm 100% with you, I wouldn't be putting different clothes on and off, shoes etc. & I'm with you that tantrums don't get them what they want, I never want to let my ds think that.

Had he decided he was wearing shorts, but then had a fit to wear trousers when we where about to leave the door, he would certainly not have been getting changed into trousers. I see nothing wrong in what you're saying! I always try to deal with any tantrums or disagreements calmly and with explanation, which I'm sure you do too. But sometimes I don't have the perfect patients, and I don't even have a month old baby! But because I don't give in to ds, he knows tantruming will get him no where! So he'll express feelings of dissatisfaction and get upset or cross, but he'll soon stop after a calm chat.

You're doing great, I'd have been aggravated too if my dp bought ds downstairs with no socks etc as I would have known it would then be my battle to have at the door 🙃 cos realistically he's going to be wearing his socks so may as well put them on at the time of getting dressed. I'm guessing our dc are of a similar age? Mine is 3.

Don't take any of this personally, lots of people on Mumsnet love to make others feel bad by exaggerating the story making out like you said you lost your shit and started screaming at everyone and hit your dp and dd!

This whole thread just reminds me how judges and perfect people on mn are lol! Op we’ve all had mornings like this were all rhyme and reason goes straight out the window. Hope tomorrow’s a better day and you and dh get to just sit down and commiserate with tea and a biccie tonight x

Haha, love your last 2 posts 😁 I know very well that if I'd posted that I was taking on and off toddler's clothes and spending loads of time mucking around with shoes, many MN responses would probably have chided me for being a wet lettuce, setting my child up to be a spoiled horror 🤷‍♀️ And also undermining my husband...

Many responses have been really helpful though, thank you.

OP I'm so with you on this one, you're not alone.
My 3 yr old makes me learn so much with her behaviours 😬omg... At times I feel like I'm giving in to tantrums too, but in reality it's not giving in, you just pick your battles, I've heard this phrase so much, and only now that my DD is 3 yr old I actually understand this phrase 😅
It's not parent mostly giving in, it's just 3 yrs of age is a hard ride to most, as 3 yr olds becoming their own individualities with their own interests and wants etc.. ..

I'm quite shocked how many 'perfect' parents here.. why takes 2 parents to get child ready ?? Because! In some families both trying to help each other, nothing wrong with that..

I did like response from some in here that they let their child to learn hard way, let them go get wet or cold, not easy to do but maybe worth a try sometime ..