Giving in to tantruming 3 year old

[CatLoaf]

3 year old DD just had a horrible tantrum over what to wear to nursery this rainy morning - my DH let her put on shorts and no socks, then there was a huge to-do when we both tried to put her rain suit and socks on when it was time to leave. Fighting to get her into it - and me pissed off with DH for letting this happen in the first place. Then she started to scream that she wanted trousers on instead of shorts, and DH started to unzip her rain suit... I felt like I was going to go bananas, and told him he was just letting her know that she could have a tantrum and we would give in. He also barked at me not to twist her arm getting her suit on - after she'd whacked me in the face.
Just a standard horrible morning with a pre schooler I guess? She's really not normally as bad as that though - and I just feel pissed off with DH being 'the patient one', but then teaching her tantrums are fine basically :/
I'm probably horrible and grumpy

Your reaction is the problem here, not your DH. You totally lost control, your husband seen it, your daughter seen it and all you are doing is reinforcing the idea that losing your shit is an acceptable way to deal with things.

Helpful responses otherwise, thanks guys. I am definitely the more no nonsense parent, and while I admire DH's ability to ask her what she wants etc., sometimes we just need to get somewhere on time and can't be faffing around taking on and off different pairs of shoes... but I recognise I could have just let her get a bit wet today, and packed extra clothes for nursery! Ahh, hindsight

Fir the future pick your battles, natural consequences and limited(acceptable) choices. Talk to your husband, come up with a plan and make sure you support each other.

So for clothes the blue or purple leggings? Or leggings or tracksuit bottoms? And just keep repeating.

If you missed that chance, let her be in shorts or the strappy dress or whatever and pack extra clothes. Let her be a bit wet/cold. It won't kill her , and then you /preschool can get her changed.

Puddle suit was only absolutely necessary if you walk to nursery and it was pissing down. Otherwise same thing, just pack it for later.

It's not about giving in, it's about getting things done with the least stress possible with all of you, otherwise situations escalate and it becomes very easy to be trapped in a negative circle.

Yeah, that's not funny.

Also, I wasn't getting her dressed - I've got a month old baby to deal with. I was only helping with shoes and rainsuit when they were about to leave.

You and her dad need to be on the same page or it's just upsetting and confusing for her. Bugger putting multiple pairs of shoes on nobody has time for that! .

I didn't lose my shit. I told DH that this was helping to reinforce tantrums pay off, that's all - when I saw him go to take her suit off. Where did you get me losing my shit from?

All behaviour is communication and children make adults feel the way the are feeling. Child feels out of control, scream and tantrum now parents feel out of control.

Toddlers are not manipulative, that is putting a very adult spin on what is essentially instinctive behaviour.

Two of you getting DD ready was too much. Keep a bag packed with spare clothes for all weather types then change DDs clothes when you get to nursery if they aren't appropriate, she'll be calmer.

If crying and tantrumming escalates your own emotions then wear ear plugs/headphones and reduce the sensory input you are receiving to keep yourself calm. I am like your DH and find being zen is the answer to most toddler behaviour but it took time and practise to get there. At any age if you let your own behaviour escalate to that of the child/ teen you are on to a losing battle.

No, I definitely don't have time for multiple shoes! We definitely need to be on the same page (mostly we are!), you're right

It's pretty evident that you did considering how irrationally pissed off at your DH for being patient you were, you said "I was going to go bananas" and the fact that you were still angry enough about this to post a thread and label it as your DH "giving in"!

It’s not teaching her she gets what she wants by tantruming, but you are teaching her not to express her feelings and that showing negative feelings is wrong. That’s going to lead to frustration on her part that will probably come out as anger which will be interpreted as being naughty so she’ll be punished which will make her angry etc, etc.

Toddlers usually have a small window when the meltdown is actually about the thing that upset them. After that they don’t like how their emotions are making them feel which is when they can really lose it. They’re not being manipulative or naughty, they just don’t have the emotional knowledge to deal with the situation (as an aside, you’re expecting your toddler to have control of their emotions which is something neither you nor your husband could do in the moment). If you get into a punitive spiral when they’re melting down, they don’t get the reassurance that the big feelings are ok to have so they’ll be programmed to panic when they have negative feelings. Defuse the heat and teach her how to behave after she’s settled down.

If she doesn’t have her rain suit on she’ll get wet 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was a stressful morning and anxiety probably was high because you wanted out the door. You need to speak to her dad without her in earshot about it.

With your update it sounds much less like clothes and more 3yr old wanting to stay home with mum with sibling. But they are 3 aren’t can’t say that in words.
With a month old you’ve all had a lot of change to contend with.
Can you agree you’ll lay out outfit night before. Not too many choices so red or blue top to go with trousers/socks/underwear you’ve put out.
If dh dealing I’d leave it to him then it’s not as intense 2 v 1 little one babble.
Easier said than done but quite no nonsense tone, chop chop not please put your shoes on…what about the red shoes..mummy will be sad if you don’t..

So you also have a tiny baby at home ie your dd’s life has just changed completely. Totally understandable she’s exerting control over what she can. Going forward find ways to give her (limited) choice and pick your battles. Safety = non negotiable. Getting a bit wet = not a big deal. Being on the same page with your DH (or at least her thinking you are) = crucial

@CosyKnits i couldn’t agree more.

I wouldn't like my bare legs in a rainsuit, and I am not particularly sensitive. The thought makes me shudder.

Why is everyone a perfect parent apart from me 🙈 <wallows>

If your partner had to point out you were twisting her arm then presumably going erre and that’s completely unacceptable and feels like you don’t understand the capabilities of a tiny 3 year old ( perhaps overwhelmed and tired not wanting to go out!!)

Because it's a lot easier when you're not in the midst of the actual stressful situation.

Sounds par for the course for a 3 year old. My dd used to have proper screaming throw on the floor tantrums about getting dressed every single morning. I used to just pull her clothes on her while she screamed and left her to it! She was lovely outside of the house! 😂

DD loves the baby, and both DH and I have been spending one on one time with her - as well as getting her involved with helping with her sibling, which she's proud to do (it's very cute). But yes, with some distance I can now appreciate she maybe wanted to stay home today :/

I always lay clothes out the night before, but DH has been getting her dressed recently and she inevitably emerges in something totally different 🤷‍♀️

So the only right answer was for everyone to say how awful your DH was, he’s giving in to a 3 year old and setting he up to be spoiled for life 🙄
You asked for feedback on the situation and you got it, it’s not beneficial to now go on the defensive.

Why don't you lay out two outfits in a mix and match way and allow her to choose? Is it really so wrong that she might want a say in what she wears and by laying out a choice you both get a say in how she looks.

I found it quicker to just ask them something like, "Do you want your blue socks or the pink ones?" It was quicker than an argument about the pink ones I'd put out. Sometimes you end up with an interesting outfit, a nice warm jumper with shorts and a pair of wellies with a selection of colours you'd never choose yourself but honestly in the interests of sanity and time I found it worked.

I always lay clothes out the night before, but DH has been getting her dressed recently and she inevitably emerges in something totally different 🤷‍♀️
But why can’t you just accept that and leave him to it??
What is the actual problem?