To say DH is being unreasonable?

[TheLostNights]

Looking to hire a sitter and found a guy who looks great on one of the childcare sites. The problem? DH.
He doesn't want a guy looking after our school aged girls. Only open to female sitters which we have had in the past. I am really fed up at his attitude. Aibu to say he is being totally unreasonable?

*concerning

Of course I would hire him if he was the best for the job.
Good friend of mine works in a creche. A lot of the dads had a problem with him but tough, they had the option to take their kids out and find alternative care..nobody did in the end, they just shut up about it eventually when the realised he wasn't kidnapping, abusing or hurting the kids 🙄.

Whenever male teachers/nannies/nursery workers are mentioned on these threads they are always so amazing and fun and so much better at the job than women and everyone loves them so much! Apparently no mediocre men ever go into childcare. There is a male teacher at my kids' school who is great, but so are the women. People are good at their jobs, shocker.

Anyway, a male teacher or nursery worker is not in the same position as a male babysitter in terms of vulnerability so it's just not relevant.

Why do people keep likening the OPs scenario to one where there is a male teacher or a male carer at nursery?!

There is a very big difference between a known member of male staff being in a busy environment with other adults there too, and an unknown male being alone inside inside a house with two young girls.

Ok. I think I should disclose my previous work as I don't want people to feel torn. For 3 years, 2 decades ago, I was the main legal adviser at a Women and Child Abuse Centre in a Commonwealth country. I took those cases to court. There were times I would flee to my other colleagues' offices as soon as I had met a family with an abused child relaying what the person who was trusted by them and their parents did to them. It was sad to see the sadness in the parents' eyes. Most of the kids were so young that their accounts can be classed as unreliable in court- they know how to choose their victims. And in between Pol!ce and social workers who deal with them for about a year before the case comes to me, you approach their evidence with care and sometimes they have grown up a bit by then.

Mothers described how their outgoing children started being withdrawn, not engaging, not wanting to play with other children. And still, sometimes mothers have no idea why and it carries on. So, the best way to deal with that is to remove the risks as much as humanly possible. It doesn't;t happen overnight. It can even take a year before it starts, by then the abuser has worked out how to do it and what character your child has.

It remains with the kids and their parents forever. Don't risk it.

As a person, I am very trusting. However, I can see if my sitters were male and they started doing something to me when so young and not knowing any different, I would have thought it was part of the care I ws supposed to receive. As they would still play with them ( I loved playing), feed them etc etc. Don't take these unnecessary risk. In the words of one judge who was, in a motor vehicle case not clear if the prosecution had proved their case beyond doubt, he said: : I would rather have a guilty person free, than imprison an innocent person.' So, for the large number of wonderful males in trustworthy relationships with kids, there are those who are not trustworthy'. But how will you know?! So, why on earth take the chance for your kids/daughters to be the unlucky ones?

Sorry, I know in this day and age it's probably considered a terrible stance, but I would NOT have left my school aged girls (or boys for that matter) with an unknown male.

It's crap that we even have to think along these lines, but sadly we do.

So you think these are mothers that knowingly had children with predators?

I think you just can't tell the difference between "all men are predators" and "being male is a higher risk factor for committing abuse than being female, sex being just one of a number of risk factors, none of which can predict the future"

I actually feel sorry for the husband. He says he is not comfortable with something and that is entirely reasonable and most folks here actually agree with him. But for some reason, it’s not enough for his wife to accept that, she needs validation on a public forum.
Even if your hold a different view to your spouse’s, you lose nothing by going with his instincts. Don’t feel the need to prove how reasonable you are or how unreasonable he is.
Please respect your husband’s feelings on certain matters. All this intellectualising about the babysitter’s qualifications etc means nothing if your heart is not right. Not all issues are ‘head’ problems to be solved by proving this or that - DSB check etc.
Please submit yourself to the wisdom of your husband and in this case, to the wisdom of crowds!

@MoyoGaza Yes, I also feel sorry for the Dh but I didn't want to post any further as clearly there are those who think he is being unreasonable.

I would be traumatised by this, won't be able to focus on my day and could lose my job over this. Why would anyone put their spouse who's clearly expressed a reasonable concern through this?

*flee- fled in floods of tears as I refused to let the children and parents see me crying. I had to be strong for them. I had to establish another trusting relationship with them which they needed to feel was permanent and not temporary. The discussions over those details are conducted in a way that the kids still feel they are mere relaying a story and we couldn't react. It was the only way I knew they would be able to tell the judges the next day (with defence lawyer trying all tricks including that they can't remember, it's what social workers told them to say etc etc) and get the monsters sent to jail.

1. There's no way to know the sex or gender of a poster on the Internet.
2. Hysterical is just a word.
3. I am no smarter than anyone else of average intelligence, just pragmatic and try to be balanced and reasonable.
4. I am aware men can be sexual predators. This does not mean I would not hire a qualified male to care for my children.
5. Sometimes you need childcare and as long as you do all the checks (qualifications, valid dbs certificate, reviews from other families, using a reputable website) your able to, what else are you supposed to do?

Hysterical isn't just a word though, it is loaded with medical misogyny and history. And here it's been applied to women expressing the very reasonable opinion that a male babysitter poses an inherently greater risk than a female one. Hysterical is a word often used to describe women expressing their feelings, thoughts and opinions and it's intended to diminish and minimise them.

The thing is, women know we get blamed of we're assaulted (why did you walk that route, wear that dress, get drunk etc) but we get called hysterical when we try to mitigate the risk of assault (how dare you label all men as predators!) If a woman hired a male babysitter and he did abuse her children, she'd be castigated for inviting him into her home and leaving her innocent children with him while she went off and enjoyed herself. Choose not to hire one and get called hysterical and a man-hater. Sounds pretty misogynistic to me.